Printed for B. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner.
[Footnote 139: To take umbrage.]
[82.] A Cardinall of Rome had a goodly faire house new built, but the
broken brickes, tiles, sand, lime, stones, and such rubbish as are
commonly the remnants of such buildings, lay confusedly in heapes
and scattered here and there: The Cardinall demanded of his Survayor
wherefore the rubbish was not conveyed away: The Survayor said that
he proposed to hyre an hundred Carts for the purpose. The Cardinall
replyed that the charge of Carts might be saved, for a pitt might bee
digged in the ground and bury it. My Lord, said the Survayor, I pray
you what shall wee doe with the earth which we digge out of the said
pit? Why, thou Coxcombe, said the Cardinall, canst thou not dig the
pit deepe enough, and bury all together?
[77.] At _Salisbury_, _Tarlton_ & his fellowes were to play before
the Maior & his brethren: but one of his company (a yong man) was so
drunke, that he could not; whereat _Tarlton_, as mad angry, as he was
mad drunke, claps me on his legs a huge pair of bolts.[F. 140] The
fellow dead asleepe, felt nothing. When all was done, they convayed
him to the Jayle on a Man's back, and intreated the Jailer to doe
God good service, and let him lye there til he waked. While they were
about their sport, the felow waked, & finding himselfe in durance,
& the Jaile hung round with bolts and shackles, he began to blesse
himselfe, & thought sure in his drunkennesse hee had done some
mischiefe. With this hee called to know, but none came to him; then
hee thought verily his fault was capitall, and that hee was close
prisoner. By and by comes the Keeper, and mooved him, that one so yong
should come to so shamefull a death as hanging. Anon, another comes,
and another with the like, which further put him in a puzzle. But
at last comes _Tarlton_ and others, intreating the Keeper, yet if it
might bee, that they might see their fellow ere they went. But hee
very hardly was intreated. But at length the poore drunken Signior
cald out for them. In they come. Oh _Tom_, saies _Tarlton_, hard was
thy hap, in drunkennes to murder this honest man, and our hard hap
too, to have it reported, any of our company is hang'd for it. O God,
O God saies the fellow, is my fault so great? then commend me to all
my friends. Well, short tale to make, the fellow forswore drunkennes,
if hee could escape, and by as cunning a wile (to his thinking) they
got him out of prison by an escape, and sent him to London before, who
was not a little glad to be gone. But see how this iest wrought: by
little and little the fellow left his excessive drinking, and in time
altered his desire of drunkennes.
[Footnote 140: Shackles or fetters.]
A Barber left handed [12.]
Trim'd so well, that he bandy'd[F. 141]
With all the Barbers in the _Strand_,
For he trims dextrously;[F. 142]
But that I deny,
'Cause he does it with his left hand.
[Footnote 141: Was at feud. _Minsheu_ gives its meaning "to
join in a faction" and its equivalent in French as "bander,"
"mutiner." _Fleming_ translates "bander" "to rise--to band
against one."]
[Footnote 142: Dexter, _Lat._, right hand.]
[17.] _John_ came to _Thomas_ his house to speak with him: but
_Thomas_ came to the door, and bid his Maid say he was not at home,
which _John_ overheard; Two or three days after, _Thomas_ came to
speak with _John_, and _John_ looks out a window, and told him he was
not at home: Why do you say so? do I not see you at home? Hey day,
says _John_, I believed your Maid you were not at home and you will
not believe me my own self.
[78.] One said a tooth drawer was a kind of unconscionable trade
because his trade was nothing else but to take away those things
whereby every man gets his living.
[61.] There was a Gentleman who had been very smartly drinking at the
Feathers Tavern in _Cheapside_, where there is a very long entry from
the street door to the Bar, and a drinking roome by the way where were
many civill persons with their wives at supper, but their door was
only shut to and not latched; and this Gentleman staggering thorough,
reeld against this door, and fell head long into the Room, to the
sudden astonishment of the Company, who rise up and demanded the
reason of that rudenesse; the poor Gentleman with very much adoe got
up, and staggering with his hat in his hand he made hard shift to cry
them all mercy in these words, Gentlemen and Ladyes, I pray excuse my
boldnesse, and consider I am not the first that have fallen into ill
Company.
The following throws much light on the habits of people in the reign
of Charles II., and is valuable as it shows a phase of life not often
depicted.
[85.] _A Lampoon on the_ Greenwich _Strowlers_.
Oh! assist me you Powers, who have Rhimes at command,
For I faith I've a weighty business in hand.
Of the late _Greenwich_ Strowlers I'me now going to sing,
But all things in order--first, God save the King.
Hem; hem; now put we off to the matter,
On _Easter_ Sunday, the Raskals took water;
Where landing at _Greenwich_, they agreed that a share
Should be settled o' th' Sculler, instead of his fare.
Then up they march'd to the sign of the Bull,
Where asking for Lodging, quoth the folks we are ful.
But we'el see for some for you, and so with that wheadle,
Ud's lid, exit's the Landlord, and enter the Beadle.
With that their Chief Actor begins for to bristle,
Quoth he, p'shaw waw, let the Beadle go whistle,
For I can; and he did, too, produce straight a Pattent,
That had the King's Hand and Seal, and all that in't.
Well this rub of fortune is over; but stay,
They call for a Reckning, theres six Pence to pay.
Now mark how damn'd fortune these Strowlers do's cozen,
They pawn all their stock to pay the half dozen.
But promising th' Host that he should Tricket free,
See their Plays every day, and his whole family.
He releases 'em straight, and now all the rabble
Marcht up to go lye in their Play house,--a Stable.
* * * * *
* * * * *
I confess they had never a Scene at all,
They wanted no copy, they had th' original.
For the Windowes being down, and most part of the roof,
How could they want Scenes when they had prospect enough.
Now we will suppose that _Munday_ is come,
And the Play is proclaymed by beat of a Drum.
Faith, now you're supposing, let it be _Tuesday_ morn,
For of _Monday_, I know no more than the child unborn.
It's said that they Acted not upon _Monday_,
Something was wanting, and so they lost one day.
They send unto _London_, what's lacking is gotten,
And so on the next day, w'ye all things did cotten.
The Prizes they took, were a Londoners groat,
A Gentleman's size,[F. 143] but his skipkennel's[F. 144] pot.
The Townsmen they let in for drink and good chear,
The School boys for peace, and the Seamen for fear.
On _Tuesday_ at three a clock I was we'e 'em,
I kist their doorkeeper, and went in to see 'em.
Being enter'd an Actor[F. 145] straight brought me a stool,
Hee'd a held my cloak too, but I wa'nt such a fool.
The first that appear'd, when I was come in,
With her train to her ankles, was who but the Queen.
She civilly made me a curtsy and straight,
Retired to sit on her Fagots of state.
Then in came the King with a Murtherous mind,
Gainst his new married Queen, which when I did find,
I call'd him a side, and whispering in's Ear,
Desired him to fetch me a Flagon of Bear.
There's twelve pence, said I, take the rest for your pains,
Your Servant said he, Sir, sweet Mr _Haines_.
His Majesty, faith, I must needs say was civil,
For he took up his Heels, and ran for't like a Devil.
Meantime I addrest myself to his Bride,
And took her unto the tireing House side;
A hay loft it was which at a dead lift,
Instead of a better serv'd then for a shift.
But mark the Fate of her Civility,
The Players did rant both at her and me:
And therefore because for fear she'd be lack'd
I ordred the Drummer to beat a long Act.
He beat and he beat, but no Queen appear'd,
He beat till at length the house was all clear'd:
By my Troath a sad loss, but to make 'em amends,
I threw 'em a Crown, and we were all Friends:
And so this Renowned History ends.
[Footnote 143: Sixpence--the 6 on dice being called "size."]
[Footnote 144: Footman or footboy.]
[Footnote 145: This is an allusion to the custom of the
gallants sitting on stools on the stage, so frequently spoken
of by the dramatists of the sixteenth century. Indeed Queen
Anne found it necessary to issue two proclamations forbidding
people other than actors to go on the stage.]
[52.] A Gentleman upon a time having a man that could write and read
well, rebuked him one day for idlenesse, saying, If I had nothing to
do, like thee, I would to recreate my wit, set down all the fooles I
knew. The fellow, making little answer, tooke his pen and inke, and
as his Master had wished him, fell to setting down a Catalogue of the
fooles that he was well acquainted with: among whom, and first of all,
he set down his Master, who, reading his name, would needs know the
nature of his folly; Marry, quoth he, In lending your Cozen twenty
pound this other day: for I think he will never pay you. Yea but
(quoth his Master) what if he do pay me? Then (quoth his man) I will
put out your name, and put down his for a foole.
[20.] A Gentleman in _North Wales_ was standing in a Sunshiny day,
upon a high rock near the Sea-Side in those parts; and as he was
looking about, he saw an Island some Four miles from the shore or
there abouts, upon which Island he spy'd two Hares playing one with
another: Well, says he, are you got over there now; for I am sure I
cours'd you both yesterday with my two Greyhounds, and then you shew'd
me a trick, but now I'll shew you one. So he went immediately home,
and fetch't his two Greyhounds, and a great Morter piece which he had
of a Thousand pound weight, which he fastened between the two Dogs
Necks; but he was forced to fasten a Cord to it also, lest the Dogs
might run away with it; and when they had carry'd it to the Rock
aforesaid, he charg'd the Morter piece, and presently the two
Greyhounds slipt into it (for it seems they had been used to it) which
two Greyhounds he ram'd in very well, and then discharg'd the Morter
piece with no hurt at all to the Greyhounds (for you must know he shot
with white Powder) and it so happened that says he, I protest t'ye
Gentlemen (upon my honest word and Credit 'tis true) that the two
Greyhounds each lighted upon a Hare as they were playing, and then
kill'd 'em and immediately left the Island, and swam through the Sea
with the Hares in their mouths, which were one boil'd and t'other
roasted for my dinner. One ask't him what colour his Greyhounds were?
He swore they were both black before, but the White Powder did so
Change their Colour, that they were both turn'd grey; and so from them
all of their kind were called Grey hounds, for their sakes to this
day. They told him they thought this probable enough to be improbable.
O Gentlemen, says he far be it from me to tell you a lie, for if you
won't believe me, pray ask my Dogs.
_Upon Thorough-good, an unthrift._
Thy Sirname _Thorough-good_ befitteth thee, [5.]
Thou _Thorough-good_, and good goes thorough thee,
Nor thou in good, nor good in thee doth stay,
Both of you thorough goe, and pass away.
[77.] _Tarlton_ having been domineering[F. 146] very late one night,
with two of his friends, and comming homewards along Cheapeside, the
Watch being then set, Master Constable asked, Who goes there? Three
merry men, quoth _Tarlton_. That is not sufficient, What are you? quod
M. Constable. Why, saies _Tarlton_, one of us is an eye maker, and the
other a light maker. What saiest thou, knave, doest mocke me? the one
is an eye maker, the other a light maker, which two properties belong
unto God onely: commit these blasphemers, quoth the Constable. Nay,
I pray you, good M. Constable, be good in your Office, I will approve
what I have said to be true, qd. _Tarlton_. If thou canst, saies the
Constable, you shall passe, otherwise you shall be all three punished.
Why (qd. _Tarlton_) this fellow is an eye maker, because a Spectacle
maker, and this other a maker of light, because a Chandler, that makes
your darkest night as light as your Lanthorn. The Constable, seeing
them so pleasant, was well contented. The rest of the Watchmen
laughed: & Tarlton with his two Companions went home quietly.
[Footnote 146: Roystering.]
[78.] One perswaded his friend to marry a little woman because of
evils the least was to be chosen.
[26.] A crafty Fellow being extremely in debt, and being threatened by
his Creditors, that they would have him, if he was above ground,
got himself into a Cellar, and there lay with the Tapster; and being
reproved for so doing, he told them there's no fear of catching him
there, because 'twas underground, and they durst not break their
Oaths, because they swore they would have him above Ground.