Printed for _P. Brooksby_ at the _Golden Ball_ in _Pye Corner_ near
_West Smithfield_.
[17.] In _Ireland_, a Bag-piper coming for _England_ with his Snapsack
on his shoulder, as he sate at dinner in a wood, three Wolves began to
accost him; then he threw one bread, and another meat, and still they
crept nearer to him; Upon which, being afraid, he took his bagpipes
and began to play, at which noise the Wolves all ran away: A pox take
you, says he, If I had known you had loved Musick so well, you should
have had it before dinner.
[26.] A man was condemned the last Sessions to be hang'd for a
Robbery; but before and after he was condemned, his careful, dear, and
loving wife bid him take no care; for she had took care that he should
not die; which made the man live more dissolutely than he would have
done, but for his wife's confidence; which Confidence she continued
to him till the night before he was to be hang'd; and then she came to
him and told him, That all the great Promises made to her were come to
nothing; for she could not procure him a Pardon by any means whatever;
which put the poor man into such a Grief and Trembling that he was
scarce himself. Come, husband, says she, take Heart, for though I
cannot get you a Pardon, yet I'll tell you what I'll do for you; I
will make you an excellent Cawdle tonight, which will make you sleep
well, and another to morrow morning to comfort up your heart before
you are hang'd: for truly I believe it troubles you as well as me,
that I could not get your pardon; therefore pass it by this once; but
if ever you come to be hang'd again, I'll warrant you, I'll get you
pardon.
Says a man nam'd _John_, [12.]
In every place the Sun
Does rise every Morning soon;
'Tis not so, in every place,
For my Son t' his disgrace,
Never rises till the Afternoon.
[52.] A Gentleman of Norfolk, as he was riding towards London in the
Winter time, and sitting by the fire side with his Host, untill supper
could be made ready, there happened a Rabbit to be at the fire a
rosting, which the Gentleman perceived to bee very leane, as he
thought. Quoth he unto his Host, We have Rabbits in our Country, that
one will drip a pottle, and baste itselfe. The In-keeper wondred with
himselfe, and did think it to be a lie, but would not say so, for
manners sake, and because he was his guest: but, thinking to requite
him, Now truely, quoth he, it is very strange: but I can tell you of
as strange a thing as that: Which the Gentleman was desirous to heare.
Quoth he, I had as fine a Grayhound as any was in England: and if I
had happened to goe abroad to my grounds, the Grayhound would alway go
with me. And sometime there would start out a Hare before me, which my
Grayhound would quickly catch. It fortuned that my dogge died, and for
very love that I bare to him, I made me a bottle of his skin, to carry
drinke withall, So, one time in hay harvest, my folkes being making of
hay in my grounds, and the weather being hot, I filled my bottle with
Beere, to carry to them, lest they should lack drink. And as I was
going along, there starts a Hare out of a bush before me: and as it
was my custome, I cryed, Now, now, now. My bottle leaping from my
girdle, ran and catcht the Hare. What, (quoth the Gentleman) me thinks
that should be a lie. Truly sir, said the In-keeper, so did I think
yours was. The Gentleman perceiving that he was requited for his
kindnesse, held himselfe contented.
_Jack_ drink away [85.]
Thou hast lost a whole Minute,
Hang Wenches and Play;
There's no pleasure in it.
Faith take t'other glass
Though the Nights old and grey,
We may all have a pass
To the Grave before day.
And in the cold forsaken Grave,
There's no drink, _Jack_, no drink,
No wine nor women, can we have:
No Company but Worms that stinck.
Then name thy own health and begin it.
[86.] The beginning of our late unnaturall broyles, was, among other
causes imputed chiefly to the imposition of Ship-money, for which
Mr _Hambden_ was condemned in the Exchequer in a penall Sume by the
consent of ten of the judges, who gave their opinion that that Taxe
was legal, only Judge _Hutton_, and Judge _Crook_ declared against it,
so that a stop was put to the levying of it, whereupon a Countryman,
no friend to the prerogative, said Wittily, The King may get
Ship-money by _Hooke_, but not by _Crook_; but since that time other
taxes ten times heavyer have been taken from us by _Hook_ and _Crook_
together.
[17.] A Country Farmer being sick, he and his Wife came to a Doctor,
who advised him to drink Asses Milk and Sugar every morning, but if
you can get no Asses milk come to me and I'll help you to some: says
his Wife to him, pray _do you think that the Doctor gives suck?_
[61.] There was a Gentleman whose onely study and practice was
Manhood, as football playing, Wrastling, Pitching the ball, throwing
of Weights, Riding, and Fencing, in which active practises he was so
perfect, that he over match'd all men that came neer him, insomuch,
that he was the Glory of the _West of England_, and he was the
Conqueror of all men that came to him, and grew froward that he could
not find any man fit to match him, but it happened that one day after
hunting, at a drinking Match in an Ale house, by chance he met a
_North Countryman_ who was highly extolling a great Gamester like
himself in the _North_, who performed all exercises that were manly,
and a person that was an over commer of all that durst engage him. The
_Western_ Gentleman desired his name and habitation, which was soon
told him. But when he heard it, he was impatient of further delay,
and therefore in order for a Journey to him he provided himself of
all conveniences, and rid into the North, where with little enquiry he
found the Gentleman's house, and knocking at the gate, he was
informed by a Servant that his Master was in his Parke a mile off. The
Traveller returned thanks, and with his Horse in his hand (guided by
the Servants direction) he went to him, where he found him mending of
a pale. Now take notice that this _North Country_ Gentleman was a very
stout man, but of very few words; and the _Western_ Gentleman of as
many, who thus began to accost him: Sir, I have intelligence that you
are the stoutest man in all the _North_, and I am as highly reputed in
the _West_, which hath provoked me to find you out, that we may trye
both our strength and our skill, so far that fortune and time may
Crown one of us, the only glorious man in _England_. The _North_
Countryman was still at his worke: but heard distinctly all that he
said: but returned no answer, onely when the other had ended speaking,
and expected a reply the _North_ Countryman comes fairly to him,
puts his hand under his twist,[F. 138] and pitcheth him over the Park
pales; the _West_ Country man seeing him do that so easily, began to
think there was no contending with him, and therefore very civilly,
with his Hat in his hand, gave him a return in these words, I thank
you, Sir, heartily. Pray throw my Horse over too.
[Footnote 138: Cotgrave says "twist" answers to the French
"fourchure," a fork, or division, _i.e._ he caught hold of him
between his legs.]
Be not wroth _Cotta_, that I not salute thee, [5.]
I us'd it whilst I worthy did repute thee;
Now thou art made a painted Saint, and I,
_Cotta_, will not commit Idolatry.
[4.] A Lusty young Man in _Somersetshire_, after he had been Married
about four Months, grew very Lean and Feeble, so that he cou'd hardly
crawl a long; He, one day, seeing a Butcher run over a Plough'd Field
after a Mad Bull, ask'd him the reason of it. Why, says the Butcher
it is to Tame him: O, says the Fellow, Let him be Married, let him be
Married; if that don't Tame him, I'll be hang'd.
The Scolding WIFE.
To a pleasant New Tune.
There was a young man for lucre of gain [87.]
he lov'd a Widow well,
His friends did tell him often and plain,
in scolding she did excel.
Why that is no matter, quoth he,
so I may have her Bags of Gold,
Let her not spare to Brawl and Scold,
for I'll be as merry, as merry can be.
This Woodcock wedded his hearts desire,
a Widow with Money enough;
They was not so soon out of the Quire,
ee'r she began to snuff.[F. 139]
Methink you be very fine,
you can no quicker get you hence,
Without such large and great expence,
of Sugar'd Sops and Musick to dine.
They was not all at supper set,
or at the board sate down,
E'er she began to brawl and scold,
and call'd him a peaking Clown:
That nothing could he doe
that was pleasing in her sight,
But still she scolded day and night,
which made this merry man's heart full of woe.
[Illustration]
If he had provided any good cheer,
for him and her alone,
Then she wou'd a said, with words more hot,
you might a done this of your own;
If sparingly he will be,
then she would have said, with words more hot,
I will not be pinch'd of what I brought,
but of mine own I will be free.
That nothing he could doe,
that was pleasing in his sight
But still she scolded day and night,
which made this merry man's heart full of woe.
A hundred times he curst
the Priest, the Clerk, the Sexton too.
And tongue that did the Widow wooe
and legs that brought him first.
It fell out upon a day
that with his friends he did devise
To break her of her scolding guise,
and what they did they shall be wary;
They got and tyed her Arms,
she could not them undoe.
And many other pretty Charms
they used her unto.
Her Petticoat was rent and torn,
upon her Back they did put on,
They tore her smock sleeves all along,
as if a Bedlam she had been born;
Her hair about her head they shook,
all with a Bramble bush.
They ring her Arms in every crook
till out the blood did gush,
And with an Iron Chain
fast by the leg he did her tye
There within an old dark House by;
so soon he went away again;
And with a countenance so sad
he did his Neighbours call.
Quoth he my Wife is Mad,
she doth so rave and brawl;
Help Neighbours all therefore,
to see if that you can reclaim,
My Wife into her Wits again
for she is troubled wondrous sore.