[79.] 1. Thou shalt have no other Gods but the LORDS
and COMMONS assembled at Westminster.
2. Thou shalt not make any Addresses to the King, nor
yeeld obedience to any of his Commands; neither shalt thou
weare any Image either of him or his Posterity; thou shalt
not bow down unto him, nor Worship him, for Wee are jealous
Gods, and will visite such sinnes unto the third and fourth
Generation of them that hate us, and will not observe our
Votes, Orders, and Ordinances.
3. Thou shalt not take the Names of Us, your GODS in
vaine, for we cannot hold you guiltlesse that take our Names
in vaine.
4. Remember that thou keep holy the Fast Day, for that
is Our Sabbath; in it thou shalt doe no manner of Work, for
we have blessed that Day, and hallowed it.
5. Thou shalt neither yeeld Honor nor Obedience to the
King (thy Countries Father) or thy Naturall Father or Mother,
so Wee will make thy dayes long in the lands which we shall
take from the ungodly and wicked ones, to bestow upon thee.
6. Thou shalt Remove the Wicked One from his Throne,
and his Posterity from off the face of the Earth.
7. Thou shalt edify the Sisters, and abundantly increase
and multiply the Saints.
8. Thou shalt get all thou canst; part from nothing; doe
no right, take no rong, neither pay any Debts.
9. Thou shalt be a Witness for us, against whomsoever we
judge to be Wicked, that so We may cut them off, that the
Saints may enjoy abundance of all things.
10. Thou shalt enjoy thy Neighbours House, his Wife, his
Servant, his Maid, his Oxe, or his Asse, or any thing that
belongs unto him; Provided he first be Voted (by US) to be
a wicked or ungodly Person.
All these Commandements Wee require you, and every of you
with all diligence to observe; and We your LORDS and GODS will
incline your hearts to keepe the Same.
The Parliaments PATER NOSTER.
Our Fathers, which think your Houses of Parliament to be heaven; you
would be honoured as GODS, because CHARLES his Kingdome is come unto
you; your wills must be done on earth, as unto the God of heaven;
you have gotten the day, and dispose of our daily bread; you will not
forgive any, neither must you look to be forgiven; you lead us into
rebellion and all other mischiefs, but cannot deliver us from evil.
Yours is the Kingdom, the power and glory, Parliament everlasting.
_Amen_.
The ARTICLES of the FAITH.
I Beleeve in CROMWELL, the Father of all Schisme, Sedition, Heresy and
Rebellion, and in his onely Son _Ireton_, our Saviour, begotten by the
Spirit in a hole, borne of a winching Mare, suffered under a house of
Office at _Brainford_, he deserves to be drawn, hang'd and quartered,
and to remain unburied: for he descended into _Hull_, the third day
he rose up in Rebellion against his KING, and now sitteth at the right
hand of the gods at Westminster. He beleeves there is no Holy Ghost,
nor Catholique Church, nor forgiveness of sins, but the Communion
of the Sisters, the resurrection of his Members, and Parliament
everlasting. AMEN.
_Ordered._--That these new Commandements, Pater Noster,
and Creed be read in all Parish Churches and Congregations,
throughout England and Wales.
One told a Principal [12.]
That some Rogues of his Hall
Had abus'd him late in his Stall;
I desire some redress
And you can do no less,
'Cause of 'em you are the Principal.
The Miser mump'd of his Gold.
or
The merry Frolick of a Lady of Pleasure in _Bartholomew_ Fair; shewing
how she fed the Usurer with Pig, but made him pay for the Sawce.
To the Tune of _Let Cæsar live long_.
_Licensed according to order._
A Lady of Pleasure in Bartholomew Fair. [80.]
Was powder'd and painted, nay drest in her Hair;
In such rich Apparel she then did appear,
As if her Estate was ten thousand a Year:
_Of each huffing[F. 132] Gallant she would make an Ass_,
_She fed them with Pig, but they paid for the Sawce_.
Among all the rest I will mention but one,
A Miser, who is in fair London well known;
Yet I will forbear now to mention his Name,
Because I am willing to keep free from blame:
_Of this wretched Miser she made a meer Ass_
_She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.
Tis known this old Miser he seldom did eat
From Years-end to Years end a meal of good meat;
Except it was given him freely, and then
He would eat as much as five labouring Men:
_He hapn'd to meet with this beautiful Lass_
_Who fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.
[Illustration]
It hapn'd this Miser went over the Rounds[F. 133]
And under his Arm he had seven score Pounds:
The which he was going that Morning to lend:
This Lady she met him, and said My dear Friend
_Your former good Nature lays claim to a Glass:_
_She found Wine and Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.
The Miser he told here he dare not drink Wine
Nor any such liquors until he had Din'd:
Quoth she, since we here did so luckily meet,
I now am resolved to give thee a treat:
_Away to her chamber they straightways did pass_,
_She fed him with pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.
A Dinner she straightways provided with speed,
The Miser he like an old Farmer did feed;
Concluding that he should have nothing to pay,
But to eat and drink, aye, and so go his way;
_The Lady supply'd him with Glass after Glass_,
_She found him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.
This Lady supply'd him with Liquor good store,
Till he was not able to drink any more;
Full bowls of Canary he had drank so deep,
That all of a sudden he fell fast asleep:
_Thus of this Old Miser she made a meer Ass_,
_She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.
She shook him, and finding that he would not wake,
The Sevenscore Pound she did presently take;
Then locking the Miser up in an old Chest,
This brings me, in short, to the Cream of the Jest:
_Thus her waggish purpose was soon brought to pass_,
_She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_,
Now he having told her before where he dwelt,
In this subtle manner she cunningly dealt;
Straight calling a Porter to finish this strife,
The Miser she sent in a Chest to his Wife:
_Without e're a Penny in Silver, alas!_
_Thus she fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.
This Lady she gave him two Shillings at first,
And bade him be sure he was true to his Trust;
Now for to deliver his Burthen with Care,
For why, I must tell you it is Merchant's Ware:
_And thus the poor Miser was made a meer Ass_,
_She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.
Now just as the Porter came to his own Door,
The Miser awak'd, and loudly did roar;
The honest poor Porter was frighten'd, alack!
Supposing that he had Old Nick at his back:
_But it was the wretched Old Miser, alas!_
_Who was fed with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.
The Wife she was frighten'd this Wretch to behold,
The Miser stark-mad for his Silver and Gold;
But all was in vain, tho' he search'd _Smithfield_ round,
The Lady of Pleasure was not to be found:
_Thus of an Old Miser she made a meer Ass_,
_She gave him roast Pig, but he paid for his Sawce_.
[Footnote 132: Swaggering.]
[Footnote 133: Had been collecting money.]
[77.] In the Country where the Queenes Plaiers were accepted into a
Gentleman's house, the waggon unloading of the apparell, the Wagoner
comes to _Tarlton_ & doth desire him to speake to the Steward for
his horses. I will saies he: & comming to the Steward, Sir, saies
_Tarlton_, where shall our horses spend the time? The Gentleman
looking at _Tarlton_ at that question, suddenly answered, If it please
you, or them, let them walke a turne or two, or there is a faire
garden, let them play a game or two at bowles in the Alley: and
departs thence about his other businesse. _Tarlton_ commending the
sudden wit of the Steward, saith little. But my Steward, not quiet,
tels to the Gentlewomen above, how he had driven _Tarlton_ to a
_non plus_ with a jest, whereat they all did laugh heartily: which
a Serving man loving _Tarlton_ well, ranne and told him as much.
_Tarlton_, to adde fuell to the fire, and loth to rest thus put off
with a jest, goes away and gets two of the horses into the Garden,
& turnes them into the bowling Alley, who with their heeles made
havocke: being the Gentleman's only pastime. The Ladies above from a
window, seeing horses in the Garden Alley call the Knight, who cries
out to _Tarlton_, Fellow, what meanest thou? Nothing, Sir, saies
he, but two of my horses are at seven up, for a peck of Provender; a
foolish match that I made. Now they being in play at bowles, run, run,
your Steward may come after and cry rub, rub: at which, though they
smiled, yet the Steward had no thankes for his labour, to set the
horses to such an exercise, & they could not blame _Tarlton_, who did
but as he was bidden. But by this Jest, oates and hay, stable room and
all, was plenty.
Fast bind, fast find: my Bible was well bound; [81.]
A Thiefe came fast, and loose my Bible found:
Was't bound and loose at once? how can that be?
'Twas loose for him, although 'twas bound for me.
[78.] One sayd a prodigall was like a brush that spent it self to make
others goe handsome in their Cloathes.
[61.] A little crooked Gentleman had lately taken a very fair house
to dwell in, and having nobly furnished it, he invites a friend of his
who was a very merry man to see it, and to judge of his bargaine: the
Gentleman asked him what rent he paid? The Crooked man answered him,
that he gave an hundred pounds for a fine, and fifty pounds a year.
Quoth his friend, I do not like your bargain. No! quoth the crooked
Man, I am told that it is a very good penny worth. I am not of their
mind, replyed his friend, for would any man be so mad to give fifty
pounds a year for a house, that he cannot stand upright in. So they
both laught, and went to dinner.
Mistris _Marina_ 'mongst some gossips sate, [5.]
Where faces were the Subject of their Chat;
Some look'd too pale, some seem'd too fiery red,
Some brown, some black, and some ill fashioned.
Good Lord (quoth she) you all are much to blame,
Let's alone, and praise the maker of the same:
Her Chamber maid, who heard her, standing by,
Said, then love me, for that you know was I.
[82.] Myselfe caried an old fellow by water, that had wealth enough to
be Deputy of the Ward, and wit sufficient for a Scavenger; the water
being somewhat rough, hee was much afraid, and (in stead of saying his
prayers) he threatened me, that if I did drowne him, hee would spend a
hundred pound, but hee would see me hanged for it; I desired him to
be quiet and feare nothing, and so in little space I landed him at the
Beares Colledge on the Bank-side,[F. 134] (alias Paris Garden.)
Well (said he) I am glad I am off the water, for if the Boat had
miscarried, I could have swum no more than a Goose.
[Footnote 134: Paris Garden, Southwark, was a famous place for
bear-baiting and other sports.]
One Goodman _Strong_ [12.]
Said his Wife did long,
And what was it for but Mackrill?
But he told him no,
It must not be so,
She's well now, and that will make her ill.
[17.] There were three Brothers named _Buck_, and having venison, made
three Pasties; and one of those who were invited was nam'd _Cooke_,
and thinking to play upon the Brothers, said, Here is _Buck_, _Buck_,
_Buck_. True, says one of the Brothers, _Buck_ is good meat, but what
says the Proverb; _God sends meat, and the Devil sends Cooks_.
[4.] A Fool being very sick, and like to dye, one that went to see
him, went to comfort him, bidding him Chear up. _For if you dye_, says
he, _four proper Fellows shall carry you to Church_: _Ay but_, quoth
he, _I had rather by half go thither myself_.