On Monday the Electors of Barkshire assembled in the great hall
of their county town to elect a Member to serve in the Fourteenth
Parliament of Queen VICTORIA. The High Sheriff presided.
Owing to the constitutional rule which forbids Peers to take part
in Parliamentary electoral proceedings, the Lord Lieutenant of the
county was precluded from showing himself on the platform. It was said
that, indisposed to be entirely out of so interesting and popular
an event, his lordship was present disguised as a tide-waiter. Our
representative, however, did not observe in the throng any person in
nautical dress.
[Illustration: "Carried unanimously."]
The hall, which was crowded to its utmost capacity, was gaily decorated
with flags. Across the full length of the hall was suspended a banner
bearing the proud device "BARKS'S IS WILLIN'."
Our esteemed ex-Member was accompanied on the platform by the principal
county gentry of all shades of political opinion. On taking his seat in
the front row of chairs, he was received with rounds of Kentish fire,
made in Barkshire. Having been proposed and seconded in eulogistic
terms, report of which he has expressed a desire we should suppress,
the High Sheriff inquired if any elector desired to propose another
candidate?
"I should think not," said a burly Barkshire farmer, ominously grasping
a stout blackthorn.
After this no one seemed disposed to move, and the High Sheriff
declared TOBY, M.P., duly elected. There were loud cries for
the Member, who, overcoming natural and usually insuperable diffidence,
got on his hind legs.
"Brother electors," he said, "it is an old saying, 'What Barkshire
thinks to-day, England will do to-morrow.' Obviously some inaccuracy
underlies the aphorism, since whilst you have to-day thought me
worthy of being elected your Member, it's no use England coming
round to-morrow and asking me to represent it in the Commons House
of Parliament. This is the fourth time Barkshire has done me this
honour; and base indeed is the man--(_A Voice, 'Who pays'_)--who could
be insensible to such testimony of confidence and esteem. Brother
electors--(_A Voice, 'Who stole the Emperor William's uniform?'
Disturbance at the end of the hall. Another Voice, 'Chuck him out.'_)
No, electors of Barkshire, let him stay. If he is put outside, he
loses the opportunity of observing your behaviour, and learning how
gentlemen comport themselves when publicly assembled in discharge of
a solemn duty. (_Loud cheers. A Voice, 'That fetches 'em!'_) I was
about to observe, when our friend's feelings temporarily overcame him,
that since I entered the room I have had a number of questions handed
up to me. They are a little late, since I am no longer a candidate
but am duly elected. That, however unusual the case may be, makes no
difference. The first question is: 'Will you, if elected, see that
every man in Barkshire over fifty years of age has three acres of
the best land in the parish, with a cow for every adult child and a
calf a-piece for each infant in arms?' Certainly; I hope I may live
to see established those desirable conditions as between man and man.
(_Cheers._) Another esteemed friend asks: 'Do you understand Local Veto
to mean that a man may go into the public-house, take his noggin or
what not, and when asked to pay may refuse?' I could not if I tried put
my views on the situation more clearly. The Veto, as you all know, is
a Latin word meaning to _vete_, or, as we say in English, to refuse to
stump up. A public-house is, according to 19 Vict. c. 190, a locality.
Local Veto is, therefore, the inalienable right of the English citizen
as defined by my friend. (_Loud cheers._) 'Are you in favour of
Equalisation of the Rates?' To be frank with you, my idea of rates is
that they should be equalised to the extent that makes them absolutely
impalpable. (_'No, no.' 'Yes, yes.' Uproar under the gallery. Cries
of_ 'JUDAS!' _A free fight, during which a man was ejected,
omitting to take his coat with him._) Don't put him out; don't put
anyone out. If there's a renewal of the interruption, form a ring round
the man; then we will see where we are. Here's another question: 'Do
you approve of Ice Creams made in foreign prisons smuggled over here in
barrel-organs and ground out in our streets, ruining the digestion of
our working men?' That is a question which hardly seems to need reply
from a patriotic Englishman. But I will say--and you observe I say it
emphatically--No. (_Loud cheering._) 'Are you in favour of a Second
Chamber, or do you go the length of Tenification?' That is a very nice
question. It shows how deeply and intelligently the men of Barkshire
study the questions of the day. It is not a matter on which I, for one,
care to dogmatize; I will therefore content myself with saying, that
between two and ten we might find the happy medium. (_More cheering,
the audience rising to their feet, waving hats and handkerchiefs._)
Now, gentlemen, that's all the questions I have, and I hope you'll
agree that I have answered them frankly. Ah! here's another one coming
up. (_A dirty piece of paper is passed from hand to hand till it
reached the hon. Member._) 'Could you lend me five bob till Saturday
night?' (_Laughter, in which the hon. Member heartily joined._) I
think, gentlemen, it is time we now proposed a vote of thanks to the
High Sheriff." (_This was carried unanimously, and the meeting broke
up. A torch-light procession conducted the popular member to his family
seat, The Kennel, Barks._)
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