(_An Electioneering Study._)
ARGUMENT.--Mrs. HORACE HONEYBALL, wife of the
Liberal Candidate for a Metropolitan Working-class Constituency, has
undertaken in her husband's interests a house-to-house canvass in
Bodgers' Buildings.
_Mrs. H. H._ (_to herself, as she threads her way through a grove
of drying linen_). "I do _wish_ they would hang out their washing
somewhere else--it's absolute ruin to one's hat! What a depressing
place--but then they're all the more likely to be on our side. Have
I got my canvassing cards and the bundle of leaflets? Yes--then I'd
better begin.... How do you _do_, Mr. DOLLOP?... No, _please_
don't move--I see I've come upon you all at your tea. So refreshing
on a warm afternoon like this!... No, not any for me, thanks, I never
touch it--and besides, I had some before I came out, you know....
Oh, never mind about wiping a chair for me, Mrs. DOLLOP....
Yes, _quite_ comfortable, I assure you. What a delightful home you
have, with all those charming coloured pictures on the wall, and so
_beautifully_ clean, too!... Ah, if you only knew the trouble and worry
of a great house and a whole tribe of servants.... But you mustn't
say that; _no_ one need despair of getting on nowadays, you know. And
this is your little boy and girl? such bright, intelligent little
faces. Jam _is_ so wholesome for them, isn't it?... HALBUT and
HALICE? Really! such pretty names _I_ always think; and both
beginning with--er--H.... Well, yes, _I have_ called on some particular
business. I daresay, now, Mr. DOLLOP, you're quite a
politician.... A plasterer? Now, _how_ delightful! Because I must tell
you that my husband.... No, I'm afraid _not_. You see, we've only just
had the whole house thoroughly done up. I was only going to say that my
husband has such a respect for plasterers as a class, you know. Haven't
I mentioned who he is? _How_ stupid of me! He's Mr. HONEYBALL,
the Radical Candidate for this place.... Yes, I've come about the
elections, of course. Oh, but you _ought_ to care; I'm sure you're far
too intelligent a man to be really indifferent who represents you in
Parliament! And my husband is so devoted to the working-classes; it's
been quite the aim of his life to do something for them. His motto is,
'Trust the People.'... Oh, _dear_ me, no--he's not a _shopkeeper_--he's
at the Bar.... Certainly _not_. He's in favour of doing away with
public-houses. He's a barrister--a _lawyer_, you know.... Ah, but
perhaps you haven't been fortunate in such lawyers as you've _met_....
Well, but you wouldn't like the _Tories_ to get in, _would_ you?... But
they've _had_ their 'innings,' as you call it; they've been in a whole
fortnight--and what have they _done_?... And if the Liberal Government
is kept out, what will become of all the great reforms they've been
trying to give you?... Well, there's Home Rule, for _one_.... Surely
you're in favour of letting the Irish manage their own affairs?... No,
that's _such_ a mistake; they _won't_ want to manage ours--at least,
except Imperial matters--and why _shouldn't_ they?... All that can so
easily be settled afterwards.... Don't you call 'One man one vote' a
great reform?... Isn't it monstrous that some people should have five
or six votes, while you only have one?... It's foolish to say they're
'welcome to them,' like that, when they only use them to deprive you
of your rights.... Then there's Welsh Disestablishment.... Oh, if you
really can't see the immense importance of it, all I can say is, I'm
extremely sorry.... Yes, I'm going now, and I hope, before the election
day comes, you will have learnt to take a more enlightened----_Good_
afternoon."
"I'm so glad to have found you at home, Mr. BILGER. I'm
Mrs. HONEYBALL, and I want you to support my husband at the
election--he's standing as a Liberal, you know.... Oh, yes, I think
I can tell you his views on the Liquor Traffic. He's anxious to see
the curse of drinking thoroughly stamped out.... No, I'm sure you're
no friend to publicans--you look _far_ too respectable.... Yes, as you
say, they get rich on the earnings of the poor, and it's high time
they were done away with.... _Certainly_ you may ask me a question....
No, of course my husband would not _dream_ of putting down Clubs: he
belongs to several himself.... Oh, you meant _Working-men's_ Clubs. You
belong to one yourself? So _sensible_ of you!--and of course there can
be no possible objection, so long as no intoxicating liquor----_Not_
conducted on Teetotal principles? I'm afraid that _would_ make a
difference.... Why? Because, don't you _see_, if people can go and
join Clubs, and get drink there, there would be no use in closing the
public-houses, _would_ there? We must be _logical_.... No _doubt_
intoxicating drinks are supplied in Clubs, but I don't see what _that_
has to do with it.... My husband? No, he's not a total abstainer, but
still----... No, no; it's not a question of one law for the Rich and
another for the Poor at _all_. You don't quite _understand_.... If
you _really_ have heard enough, I'll go, of course.... Not at all. If
anything I've said has helped you in making up your mind, I'm only
too----Don't trouble to come to the door!"
"Mrs. MANGLES, I think? Your husband _not_ at home, I
see. It doesn't matter--you will do _quite_ as well. I'm Mrs.
HONEYBALL.... Oh, you _have_ heard the name.... Seen my
husband's picture on the placards? Oh, you're not taking a liberty in
the very _least_. I shall be only too _delighted_ to give you one. He
_is_ rather nice-looking, isn't he? I'll tell you what I'll do--when
I get home, I'll send you one of his photographs to put on your
mantelpiece.... Oh, I _don't_ think I should have it coloured, if I
were you.... But his hair and moustache aren't _auburn_, and what _do_
you want to put him in a red tunic for?... Really? The living image of
your first young man? He _will_ be flattered!... You've had several
since? I can quite believe _that_.... Well, if you will promise to get
your husband to give me his vote, perhaps----_Why_ should I have to go
to the--er--'Cimingtery' for it?... Last Christmas?--_dear_ me! I'm
very sorry I----Good-bye, Mrs. MANGLES; and--er--if I _do_
find I have a photograph to spare----but the portrait of him on that
leaflet is really more _like_, you know!"
[Illustration: "I _love_ the smell of tobacco!"]
"No, don't put _down_ your pipe, Mr. GOWLES; I--I _love_
the smell of tobacco!... You weren't _intending_ to--how friendly of
you!... I daresay you don't know who _I_ am?... Perhaps not, but you'll
let me _tell_ you, won't you?... I've come to ask you to vote for my
husband, Mr. HONEYBALL; he's not a _Tory_, you know, he's a
thorough-going Radical.... Not going to vote for either of them?--Now
_why_?... Oh, no, I'm _sure_ you're not--you're _much_ too pleasant
and gentlemanly to be a horrid Socialist!... You want everything done
away with? Well, the Liberals _are_ going to abolish a lot of things.
There's the House of Lords, for instance, you're against _them_,
I'm sure.... Not more than you are against the House of Commons?
Oh, but you don't _really_ want to destroy one of our most ancient
institutions!... Capitalists? oh, they're sharks and bloodsuckers and
landgrabbers and all that, I _quite_ agree with you there--only they're
all _Tories_, you know.... Why shouldn't you share in all the wealth
you're assisting to produce? Why are you to be robbed of the product
of your brain and hands?--I really don't know--it's very wrong, no
doubt--what _do_ you produce?... Oh, you're a bill-poster? I _see_.
Now don't get excited.... Your only hope is in the Gospel of Hate?...
Now _really_, such a _disagreeable_ thing to say!... If I could only
bring you to see that by voting for the Liberals----... I'm _not_
a smooth-tongued humbug, and it's extremely rude of you to call me
anything of the kind.... I never said you hadn't a perfect right to
vote as you pleased.... Very _well_, then, _keep_ your horrible vote,
I'm sure _I_ don't want it! (_To herself, as she departs._) I shall go
home. If I see any more of these people, I shall find I've turned into
a rabid Tory--and I'm sure HORACE wouldn't like that!"
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