In acting upon this truth, I was often accused of being a hypocrite,
because my prayers, my manifestations of love and interest in others,
and whatever I did for the Lord, seemed unreal and strained. Here,
however, faith came to my rescue, enabling me to say to Satan: "No, I am
not a hypocrite. I know that I do not feel like doing what I am doing;
I know that I am not getting any particular pleasure out of it. But I do
not deserve any pleasure, and I shall continue to do the best I can to
prove to God that I do love him and am trying to give him pleasure.
If he never sees fit to give me back again the joy which I formerly had
in his service, that is his business. Mine is to love and serve. Let him
do as he will with his own."
It was all very dry and hard at first, for the old doubts about being
his when I did not feel his presence, knocked hard for admittance; but
I was enabled to meet them always with the same confidence: "I can not
doubt that he loves me now, whether I seem to love him or not; for did
he not 'love me and give himself for me' when I was not trying to serve
him at all? Anyway, my salvation does not depend upon my love for him,
but upon his for me. But I WILL love him and prove it by trusting and
obeying him. This is all I can do; the rest I leave with him." The test
was a long one, and a lesson that I shall not forget.
When, at last, God saw that I would ask only for ability to satisfy
and please him, whether I felt pleased and satisfied or not, there came
into my soul gradually light and joy, and oh! such a sweet sense of his
presence. Praise his name! The love and other graces I then felt in my
soul, I could not boast of, however, for they all came from and belonged
to him; and when I was enabled again to bow before him with a sweet
sense of love and reverence, I felt that in adoring and loving him,
I was not bringing to him something of my own, but only returning to
him that which he had given me. I felt as I had not for years that
"The graces within are not mine;
For the love and the power and the glory
Belong to the Savior divine."