* * * * *
=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.=
_Monday, June 11th_.--I am told that it was WILLIE REDMOND'S ambition
to be the Father of the House; indeed, that by some arithmetical
process peculiar to himself be claimed, although only elected in 1883,
to be already entitled to that venerable honour.
In reality he was the Eternal Boy, from the far-off time when it was
his nightly delight with youthful exuberance to cheek Mr. Speaker
BRAND until the moment of his glorious death in Flanders, whither he
had gone at an age when most of his compeers were content to play the
critic in a snug corner of the smoking-room.
Personal affection combined with admiration for his gallantry to
inspire the speeches in which the PRIME MINISTER, Mr. ASQUITH and Sir
EDWARD CARSON enshrined the most remarkable tribute ever paid to a
private Member.
Sir GEORGE GREENWOOD'S affection for the animal creation is commonly
supposed to be such that he would not countenance the slaughter of the
meanest thing that crawls--not even those miserable creatures who hold
that SHAKSPEARE'S plays were written by SHAKSPEARE. It was therefore
with pained regret that I heard him attempting to support his
objection to the activities of sparrow-clubs by the argument that,
if the birds were destroyed, large numbers of grubs and caterpillars
would be left alive. After this I shall not be surprised to hear that
he has been summoned by the R.S.P.C.A. for brutality to a slug.
What I most admire in the CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND is his wonderful
self-restraint. When Mr. GINNELL stridently inquired whether to
institute legal process against the police in Ireland was not like
bringing an action against Satan in hell, the ordinary man would
have been tempted to reply: "The hon. Member probably has sources of
information not accessible to me." Mr. DUKE contented himself
with mildly suggesting that the hon. Member should "apply his own
intelligence to that matter." Perhaps, however, he meant much the same
thing.
[Illustration: _IN RE_ AN ACTION AGAINST SATAN.
(MR. H.E. DUKE, K.C.)]
Half the sitting was taken up with discussing whether Messrs. JOWETT
and RAMSAY MACDONALD should be given passports to Russia. Mr. BONAR
LAW clinched the matter by saying that the Russian Government wanted
them. Well, _de gustibus_, etc.
_Tuesday, June 12th_.--Perhaps the most wonderful revelation of the
War has been the adaptability of the British working-man. Mr. CATHCART
WASON called attention to the case of a professional gardener who,
having been recruited for home service, had first been turned into a
bricklayer's assistant, then into an assistant-dresser, and finally
into a munition-maker. For some time the Ministry of Munitions
seems to have been loth to part with the services of this Admirable
Crichton, but having learned from the Board of Agriculture that there
was a shortage of food it has now consented to restore him to his
original vocation.
It will be a thousand pities if Captain BATHURST should persist in
leaving the department of the FOOD-CONTROLLER. If he could only keep
down food-prices as effectively as he does irrelevant questioners he
would be worth his weight in "Bradburys." His latest victim is Mr.
PENNEFATHER, who has developed a keen curiosity on the subject of
potatoes. Did not the Government think that the high price would cause
premature "lifting"? Were they aware that potatoes could be used for
making rubber substitutes and cement; and would they assure the House
that there would be an abundance of them for the next twelve months'?
Captain BATHURST declined to figure in the _rôle_ of prophet, and, for
the rest, remarked that the hon. Member appeared to have an insatiable
appetite for _crambe repetita_. Mr. PENNEFATHER is understood to be
still searching the Encyclopædia to discover the properties of this
vegetable, with the view of putting a few posers on the subject to
Captain BATHURST (or his successor) next week.
[Illustration: CAPTAIN BATHURST REFUSES TO BE A POTATO PROPHET.]
As the friends of Proportional Representation are wont to refer to
their little pet by the affectionate diminutive of "P.R.," they
can hardly be surprised that its appearance should lead to combats
recalling in intensity the palmy days of the Prize Ring. It was
designed that the Front Bench should be content to perform the
function of judicious bottle-holder, and leave the issue to be fought
out by the rest of the House. But Sir F.E. SMITH, like the Irishman
who inquired, "Is this a private fight, or may anyone join in?" could
not refrain from trailing his coat, and quickly found a doughty
opponent in Mr. HAYES FISHER. The House so much enjoyed the unusual
freedom of the fight that it would probably be going on still but for
that spoil-sport, the HOME SECRETARY, who begged Members to come to a
decision. By 149 votes to 141 "P.R." was "down and out."
Mr. EUGENE WASON entered an anticipatory protest against the
possibility that Scotland might be deprived of some of her seventy-two
Members. "I myself," he said, "represent two whole counties,
Clackmannan and Kinross, and I have a bit of Stirling and Perth and
West Fife, and I am told I am to be swept out of existence." Gazing at
his ample proportions the House felt that the Boundary Commissioners
will have their work cut out for them.
[Illustration: HEAVY WORK FOR THE BOUNDARY COMISSIONERS.