That same night, being unable to sleep, she turned over in her bed, and
threw back the bed-clothes. She felt that sleep was still far off, that
it would come with the first rays, full of dancing atoms of dust, with
which morning pierces the chinks between the curtains. The night-light,
with its tiny burning heart shining through its porcelain shade, gave
her a mystic and familiar companionship. Félicie opened her eyes and at
a glance drank in the white milky glimmer which brought her peace of
mind. Then, closing them once more, she relapsed into the tumultuous
weariness of insomnia. Now and again a few words of her part recurred to
her memory, words to which she attached no meaning, yet which obsessed
her: "Our days are what we make them." And her mind wearied itself by
turning over and over some four or five ideas.
"I must go to Madame Royaumont to-morrow, to try on my gown. Yesterday I
went with Fagette to Jeanne Perrin's dressing-room; she was dressing,
and she showed her hairy legs, as if she was proud of them. She's not
ugly, Jeanne Perrin; indeed, she has a fine head; but it is her
expression that I dislike. How does Madame Colbert make out that I owe
her thirty-two francs? Fourteen and three are seventeen, and nine,
twenty-six. I owe her only twenty-six francs. 'Our days are what we make
them.' How hot I feel!"
With one swift movement of her supple loins she turned over, and her
bare arms opened to embrace the air as though it had been a cool, subtle
body.
"It seems a hundred years since Robert went away. It was cruel of him to
leave me alone. I am sick with longing for him." And curled up in her
bed, she recollected intently the hours when they held each other in a
close embrace. She called him:
"My pussy-cat! Little wolf!"
And immediately the same train of thoughts began once more their
fatiguing procession through her mind.
"Our days are what we make them. Our days are what we make them. Our
days....' Fourteen and three, seventeen, and nine, twenty-six. I could
see quite plainly that Jeanne Perrin showed her long man's legs, dark
with hair, on purpose. Is it true what they say, that Jeanne Perrin
gives money to women? I must try my gown on at four o'clock to-morrow.
There's one dreadful thing, Madame Royaumont never can put in the
sleeves properly. How hot I am! Socrates is a good doctor. But he does
sometimes amuse himself by making you feel a stupid fool."
Suddenly she thought of Chevalier, and she seemed to feel an influence
emanating from him which was gliding along the walls of her bedroom. It
seemed to her that the glimmer of the night-light was dimmed by it. It
was less than a shadow, and it filled her with alarm. The idea suddenly
flashed through her mind that this subtle thing had its origin in the
portraits of the dead man. She had not kept any of them in her bedroom.
But there were still some in the flat, some that she had not torn up.
She carefully reckoned them up, and discovered that there must still be
three left: the first, when he was quite young, showed him against a
cloudy background; another, laughing and at his ease, sitting astride of
a chair; a third as Don Cæsar de Bazan. In her hurry to destroy every
vestige of them she sprang out of bed, lit a candle, and in her
nightgown shuffled along in her slippers into the drawing-room, until
she came to the rosewood table, surmounted by a phoenix palm. She pulled
up the tablecloth and searched through the drawer. It contained
card-counters, sockets for candles, a few scraps of wood detached from
the furniture, two or three lustres belonging to the chandelier and a
few photographs, among which she found only one of Chevalier, the
earliest, showing him standing against a cloudy background.
She searched for the other two in a little piece of Boule furniture
which adorned the space between the windows, and on which were some
Chinese lamps. Here slumbered lamp-globes of ground glass, lamp-shades,
cut-glass goblets ornamented with gilt bronze, a match-stand in painted
porcelain flanked by a child sleeping against a drum beside a dog, books
whose bindings were detached, tattered musical scores, a couple of
broken fans, a flute, and a small heap of carte-de-visite portraits.
There she discovered a second Chevalier, the Don Cæsar de Bazan. The
third was not there. She asked herself in vain where it could have been
hidden away. Fruitlessly she hunted through boxes, bowls, flowerpot
holders, and the music davenport. And while she was eagerly searching
for the portrait, it was growing in size and distinctness in her
imagination, attaining to a man's stature, was assuming a mocking air
and defying her. Her head was on fire, her feet were like ice, and she
could feel terror creeping into the pit of her stomach. Just as she was
about to give up the search, about to go and bury her face in her
pillow, she remembered that her mother kept some photographs in her
mirror-panelled wardrobe. She again took courage. Softly she entered the
room of the sleeping Madame Nanteuil. With silent steps she crept over
to the wardrobe, opened it slowly and noiselessly, and, standing on a
chair, explored the top shelf, which was loaded with old cardboard
boxes. She came upon an album which dated from the Second Empire, and
which had not been opened for twenty years. She rummaged among a mass of
letters, of bundles of receipts and Mont-de-Piété vouchers. Awakened by
the light of the candle and by the mouse-like noise made by the seeker,
Madame Nanteuil demanded:
"Who is there?"
Immediately, perceiving the familiar little phantom in her long
nightgown, with a heavy plait of hair down her back, perched on a chair,
she exclaimed:
"It's you, Félicie? You are not ill, are you? What are you doing there?"
"I am looking for something."
"In my wardrobe?"
"Yes, mamma."
"Will you kindly go back to your bed! You will catch cold. Tell me at
least what you are looking for. If it's the chocolate, it is on the
middle shelf next to the silver sugar-basin."
But Félicie had seized upon a packet of photographs, which she was
rapidly turning over. Her impatient fingers rejected Madame Doulce,
bedecked with lace, Fagette, radiant, her hair dissolving in its own
brilliance; Tony Meyer, with close-set eyes and a nose drooping over his
lips; Pradel, with his flourishing beard; Trublet, bald and snub-nosed;
Monsieur Bondois, with timorous eye and straight nose set above a heavy
moustache. Although not in a mood to bestow any attention upon Monsieur
Bondois, she gave him a passing glance of hostility, and by chance let a
drop of candle-grease disfigure his nose.
Madame Nanteuil, who was now wide awake, could make nothing of her
proceedings.
"Félicie, why on earth are you poking about in my wardrobe like that?"
Félicie, who at last held the photograph for which she had sought so
assiduously, responded only by a cry of fierce delight and flew from the
chair, taking with her her dead friend, and, inadvertently, Monsieur
Bondois as well.
Returning to the drawing-room she crouched down by the fireplace, and
made a fire of paper, into which she cast Chevalier's three photographs.
She watched them blazing, and when the three bits of cardboard, twisted
and blackened, had flown up the chimney, and neither shape nor substance
was left, she breathed freely. She really believed, this time, that she
had deprived the jealous dead man of the material of his apparitions,
and had freed herself from the dreaded obsession.
On picking up her candlestick she saw Monsieur Bondois, whose nose had
disappeared beneath a round blob of white wax. Not knowing what to do
with him she threw him with a laugh into the still flaming grate.
Returning to her room she stood before the looking-glass and drew her
nightgown closely about her, in order to emphasize the lines of her
body. A thought which occasionally flitted through her mind tarried
there this time a little longer than usual.
She was wont to ask herself:
"Why is one made like that, with a head, arms, legs, hands, feet, chest,
and abdomen? Why is one made like that and not otherwise? It's funny."
And at the moment the human form seemed to her arbitrary, fantastic,
alien. But her astonishment was soon over. And, as she looked at
herself, she felt pleased with herself. She was conscious of a keen
deep-seated delight in herself. She bared her breasts, held them
delicately in the hollow of her hands, looked at them tenderly in the
glass, as if they were not a part of herself, but something belonging
to her, like two living creatures, like a pair of doves.
After smiling upon them, she went back to bed. Waking late in the
morning she felt surprised for a moment at being alone in her bed.
Sometimes, in a dream, she would divide herself into two beings, and,
feeling her own flesh, she would dream that she was being caressed by a
woman.