opening into a Garden formally planted, with Statues, &c. A Table set
for a collation, with Fruits, Flowers, Wine, and Plate. A Door C.
flat, communicating with Entrance Hall, other Doors R. and L. Settees
and high-backed Chairs, a Side Table with Plate, Salvers, &c._
[_Colander discovered arranging table._]
COL. So! malmsey, fruit, tea, coffee, yes! all is ready against their
leaving the dining-room!
[_Enter James Burdock, a salver with letters in his hand._]
BUR. Post letters, Master Colander.
COL. Put 'em on the salver. (_Burdock does so._) You may go, honest
Burdock--(_Burdock fidgets, turning the letters on the salver_) when I
say you _may_ go--that means you _must;_ the stable is your place when
the family is not in Huntingdonshire, and at present the family is in
London.
BUR. And I wish it was in Huntingdonshire, with the best part of it,
and that's mistress. Poor thing! A twelvemonth married, and six months
of it as good as a widow.
COL. We write to her, James, and receive her replies.
BUR. Aye! but we don't read 'em, it seems.
COL. We intend to do so at our leisure--meanwhile we make ourselves
happy among the wits and the players.
BUR. And she do make others happy among the poor and the suffering.
COL. James Burdock, property has its duties, as well as its rights.
Master enjoys the rights in town, and mistress discharges the duties
in the country; 'tis the division of labour--and now vanish, honest
James, the company will be here directly, and you know master can't
abide the smell of the stable (_crosses to L._).
BUR. But, Master Colander, do let him have this letter from missus
(_holds out the letter he has taken from the salver_).
COL. James Burdock, you are incorrigible. Have I not given it to him
once already? and didn't he fling it in my face and call me a puppy? I
respect Mistress Vane, James; but I must remember what's due to
myself--I shan't take it.
[_Exit Colander 3 E. L._
BUR. Then I will--there! Poor dear lady! I can't abear that her
letters, with her heart in 'em, I'll be sworn, should lie unopened.
Barnet post mark!--why, how can that be? Well, it's not my business.
(_puts salver on table 2 E. L._) Master shall have it though (_hurried
knocking heard_). There goes that door, ah! I thought it wouldn't be
quiet long--what a rake-helly place this London is!
[_Exit L._
[_Re-enter with Mrs. Vane in a hood and travelling dress._]
BUR. Stop! stop! I don't think master can see you, young woman.
MABEL. Why, James Burdock, have you forgotten your mistress? (_removes
her hood_)
BUR. Mistress! why Miss Mabel--I ask your pardon, miss,--I mean, madam.
Bless your sweet face!--here, John, Thomas!
MABEL. Hush!
BUR. Lord, lord! come at last! oh! how woundy glad I am, to be
sure--oh! lord, lord, my old head's all of a muddle with joy to see
your kind face again.
MABEL. (R.) But Ernest--Mr. Vane, James, is he well--and happy--and
(_sees his change of face_)--Eh! he is well, James?
BUR. Yes, yes, quite well, and main happy.
MABEL. And is he very impatient to see me?
BUR. (_aside_). Lord help her!
MABEL. But mind, James, not a word; he doesn't expect me till six, and
'tis now scarce four. Oh! I shall startle him so!
BUR. Yes, yes, madam; you'll startle him woundily.
MABEL. Oh! it will be so delightful to pop out upon him unawares--will
it not, James?
BUR. Yes, Miss Mabel,--that is, madam; but hadn't I better prepare him
like?
MABEL. Not for the world. You know, James, when one is wishing for any
one very much, the last hour's waiting is always the most intolerable,
so when he is most longing to see me, and counting the minutes to six,
I'll just open the door, and steal behind him, and fling my arms round
his neck, and--but I shall be caught if I stay prattling here, and I
must brush the dust from my hair, and smooth my dress, or I shall not
be fit to be seen; so not a word to anybody, James, I insist, or I
shall be angry. Where is my room? (_goes to 3 E. R. and opens door_)
Oh, here!
BUR. Your room, Miss Mabel; no! no! that is Mr. Vane's room, Ma'am.
MABEL. Well, Mr. Vane's room is my room, I suppose (_pausing at
door_). He is not there, is he?
BUR. No, Ma'am, he is in the dining-room (_knock_). Anon! anon!
MABEL. I fear my trunks will not be here in time for me to dress; but
Ernest will not mind. He will see my heart in my face, and forgive my
travelling sacque.
[_Exit into apartment R. 2 E._
BUR. Poor thing! poor thing! (_knock_) there goes that door again--darn
me if I go till I've seen Colander. Anon,--Miss Mabel!--(_going to door
3 E. R._).
[_Hundsdon enters 3 E. L._]
HUNDS. (_aside and looking at Burdock_). For all the world the twin
brother to those bumpkins behind Hebe's coach. Well, my honest fellow!
BUR. Well, my jack-a-dandy!
HUNDS. Can'st bring me Sir Charles Pomander hither, my honest fellow?
BUR. Here he's a bringing himself, my jack-a-dandy.
[_Exit C. L._
HUNDS. For so pretty a creature, she hath an establishment of the
veriest brutes. Ah! here comes Master!
[_Enter Sir Charles Pomander 3 E. L._]
POM. Well! is she arrived?
HUNDS. (_aside to Pom._). I've marked her down, sir. She is here--in
that room.
POM. Is her arrival known?
HUNDS. But to a rustic savage of a servant.
POM. Good! Take thy sheep's face out of sight, incontinently.
HUNDS. Yes, Sir Charles.
POM. Hold! I have kept thee sober for two days. Here's for thee to
make a beast of thyself.
HUNDS. Nay, I'll disappoint him, and profit by sobriety.
[_Exit 3 E. L._
POM. So, the train is laid and I hold the match in my hand (_Colander
returns with servants, who bring tea, coffee, &c._).
[_Enter Vane, Woffington, Quin, Clive, Cibber, Snarl and Soaper, as
from the dining-room, laughing._]
QUIN. I hate this detestable innovation of outlandish drawing-room
drinks--your tea and coffee--pshaw!
VANE. But you forget the ladies, Mr. Quin, and in the presence of Mr.
Cibber too, whom I cannot thank enough for the honor of this visit.
CIB. Nay, sir, I bring my wit in exchange for your wine; we barter our
respective superfluities.
QUIN. Good wine is no superfluity, Mr. Cibber; 'tis a necessary of
life, just as much as good victuals.
SOAP. I vow Mr. Cibber is as lively as ever, and doesn't look a day
older: does he, Mr. Snarl?
SNARL. 'Tis that there's no room on Mr. Cibber's face for another
wrinkle.
CIB. (_takes snuff_). Puppies!
QUIN. Really this is too bad, the coffee is getting cold (_goes to
table, R._).
CLIVE. So, no wonder Quin is getting warm--(_gives him coffee_). Here,
bear! (_Woffington presides over tea._)
CIB. You have a charming house here, Mr. Vane, I knew it in poor dear
Lord Loungeville's time. You may just remember him, Sir Charles?
POM. I never read ancient history.
CIB. Puppy! An unrivalled gallant, Peggy. Oh the _petits soupers_ we
have had here! Loungeville was a great creature, Sir Charles. I wish
you may ever be like him.
POM. I sincerely trust not (_goes to table, C._). I do not feel at all
anxious to figure in the museum of town antiquities--labelled, "Old
Beau, very curious."
CIB. (_aside_). Coxcomb! Let me tell you your old beaux were the only
ones worthy of winging the shafts from Cupid's quiver.
SNARL. Witness Mr. Cibber (_goes to table, C._).
WOFF. Oh, Colley is like old port--the more ancient he grows the more
exquisite his perfume becomes.
SOAP. Capital! She alludes to Mr. Cibber's pulvilio.
SNARL. And the crustier he gets.
SOAP. Delicious! He alludes to Mr. Cibber's little irritability.
CIB. Ah, laugh at us old fellows as you will, young people; but I have
known Loungeville entertain a fine lady in this very saloon, whilst a
rival was fretting and fuming on the other side of that door. Ha, ha!
(_sighs._) It is all over now.
POM. Nay, Mr. Cibber, why assume that the house has lost its virtue in
our friend's hands?
CIB. Because, young gentleman, you all want _sçavoir faire;_ the
fellows of the day are all either unprincipled heathens like you, or
cold blooded Amadisses like our host. The true _Preux des Dames_
(_regretfully_) went out with the full periwig, stap my vitals!
QUIN. A bit of toast, Mr. Cibber? (_goes to table._)
CIB. Jemmy, you are a brute.
QUIN. You refuse, Sir?
CIB. (_with dignity_). No, Sir, I accept.
(_Quin takes plate of toast to table, R._)
POM. (_goes to table_). You Antediluvians must not flatter yourselves
you have monopolized iniquity, or that the deluge washed away
intrigue, and that a rake is a fossil. We are still as vicious as you
could desire, Mr. Cibber. What if I bet a cool hundred round that Vane
has a petticoat in the next room, and Mrs. Woffington shall bring her
out.
VANE. Pomander! (_checks himself_) but we all know Pomander.
POM. Not yet, _but you shall._ Now don't look so abominably innocent,
my dear fellow, I ran her to earth in this house not ten minutes ago.
CIB. Have her out, Peggy! I know the run--there's the cover--Hark
forward! Yoicks! Ha, ha, ha! (_coughing_) Ho, ho!
VANE. Mr. Cibber, age and infirmity are privileged; but for you, Sir
Charles Pomander--
WOFF. Don't be angry. Do you not see it is a jest, and, as might be
expected, a sorry one?
VANE. A jest; it must go no farther, or by Heaven!--
(_Woffington places her hand on his shoulder--Mabel appears,
D. R. 3 E._)
MABEL. Ernest, dear Ernest!
(_Woffington removes her hand quickly._)
VANE. Mabel!
POM. I win (_a pause of silent amazement_).
(_Vane looks round on the reverse side from Woffington._)
WOFF. (_aside to Vane_). Who is this?
VANE. My--my wife!
(_All rise and bow. Colander places chair for Mrs. Vane._)
CIB. 'Fore Gad! he is stronger than Loungeville.
MABEL. You are not angry with me for this silly trick? After all I am
but two hours before my time. You know, dearest, I said six in my
letter.
VANE. Yes--yes!
MABEL. And you have had three days to prepare you, for I wrote like a
good wife to ask leave before starting, ladies and gentlemen; but he
never so much as answered my letter, madam (_to Woffington, who
winces_).
VANE. Why, you c--c--couldn't doubt, Mabel? (_Cibber joins Snarl and
Soaper at table L._)
MABEL. No, silence gives consent; but I beg your pardon, ladies
(_looking to Woffington_), for being so glad to see my husband.
SNARL. 'Tis a failing, madam, you will soon get over in town
(_laugh_).
MABEL. Nay, sir, I hope not; but I warrant me you did not look for me
so soon.
WOFF. Some of us did not look for you at all.
MABEL. What! Ernest did not tell you he expected me?
WOFF. No; he told us the entertainment was in honor of a lady's first
visit to his house; but he did _not_ tell us that lady was his wife.
VANE (_aside to Woff._). Spare her!
WOFF. (_aside to Vane_). Have you spared me?
POM. No doubt he wished to procure us that agreeable surprise, which
you have procured him.
SNARL. And which he evidently enjoys so much.
SOAP. Oh, evidently.
[_Cibber, Snarl, and Soaper, laugh, aside._
VANE. You had better retire, Mabel, and change your travelling dress.
MABEL. Nay; you forget, I am a stranger to your friends. Will you not
introduce me to them first?
VANE. No, no; it is not usual to introduce in the polite world.
WOFF. We always introduce ourselves (_rises_).
[_All come down except Vane and Quin._]
VANE (_aside to Woff._). Madam, for pity's sake!
WOFF. So, if you will permit me.
POM. (_aside_). Now for the explosion!
VANE (_aside_). She will shew me no mercy.
WOFF. (_introducing Clive_). Lady Lurewell!
CLIVE. Madam! (_She curtsies._) If she had made me a commoner, I'd
have exposed her on the spot.
WOFF. (_introducing him_). Sir John Brute!
QUIN (_he comes forward, aside to Woff._). Hang it! Falstaff!
WOFF. Sir John Brute Falstaff! we call him for brevity, Brute.
POM. (_aside_). Missed fire! Confound her ready wit.
VANE (_aside_). I breathe again.
WOFF. That is Lord Foppington (_crosses to Cibber_), a butterfly of
long standing and a little gouty. Sir Charles Pomander!
POM. Who will spare you the trouble of a description (_crossing to
Mabel_), as he has already had the honour of avowing himself Mrs.
Vane's most humble servant.
VANE. How? (_Advances C._)
MABEL. The good gentleman who helped my coach out of the slough
yesterday.
VANE. Ah! (_goes up to the table, L. U. E._)
WOFF. Mr. Soaper, Mr. Snarl--gentlemen who would butter and cut up
their own fathers!
MABEL. Bless me; cannibals!
WOFF. (_with a sweet smile_). No; critics.
MABEL. But yourself, madam?
WOFF. (_curtseying_). I am the Lady Betty Modish, at your service.
CLIVE (_aside to Quin_). And anybody else's.
MABEL. Oh dear, so many lords and ladies!
VANE. Pray go, and change your dress, Mabel.
MABEL. What! before you hear the news of dear Willoughby, Ernest? Lady
Betty, I had so many things to tell him, and he sends me away.
CIBBER. Nay, really, 'tis too cruel.
WOFF. Pray, madam, your budget of country news: clotted cream so
seldom comes to London quite fresh.
MABEL. There you see, Ernest. First, then, Grey Gillian is turned out
for a brood mare, so old George won't let me ride her.
WOFF. The barbarian!
MABEL. Old servants are such hard masters, my lady; and my Barbary hen
has laid two eggs, Ernest. Heaven knows the trouble we have had to
bring her to it. And dame Best (that's his old nurse, Lady Lurewell)
has had soup and pudding from the hall every day.
QUIN. Soup and pudding! that's what I call true charity.
MABEL. Yes; and once she went so far as to say, "it wasn't altogether
a bad pudding." I made it with these hands.
CIBBER. Happy pudding!
VANE. Is this mockery, sir?
CIBBER. No, sir, it is gallantry; an exercise that died before you
were born. Madam, shall I have the honour of kissing one of the fair
hands that made that most favoured of puddings?
MABEL. Oh, my Lord, you may, because you are so old; but I don't say
so for a young gentleman, unless it was Ernest himself, and he doesn't
ask me.
[_Cibber, Snarl, and Soaper go up._]
VANE (_angrily_). My dear Mabel, pray remember we are not at
Willoughby.
CLIVE. Now, bear, where's your paw? (_going up R._)
QUIN. All I regret is, that I go without having helped Mrs. Vane to
buttered toast.
CLIVE. Poor Quin, first to quit his bottle half finished, and now, to
leave the run of the table for a walk in the garden!
[_Exeunt U. E. R._
VANE. Let me shew you to your apartment (_rings bell, leads her to
door R._).
[_Enter Servant L. H._]
Bid the musicians play.
[_Exit Servant L. H._
(_Vane offers his arm to Woff._) Let me conduct you to the garden.
[_Music. Woffington gives her hand and goes off with Vane (L. C.): in
going out she looks back. Music._]
WOFF. (_aside_). Yes; there are triumphs out of the theatre.
[_Exit with Vane, L. C._
CIBBER (_crosses to Mabel_). Mr. Vane's garden will lack its fairest
flower, madam, if you desert us.
MABEL (R.). Nay, my Lord, there are fairer here than I.
POM. (_goes up to C. L._) Jealous, I see, already. Shall I tell her
all? No; I will let the green-eyed monster breach the fortress, and
then I shall walk in without a contest.
CIBBER (_meeting Sir Charles at C. L._). Your arm, Sir Charles.
POM. At your service, Mr. Cibber.
[_Exeunt Pomander and Cibber U. E. L._
SNARL. A pleasant party, Mr. Soaper.
SOAPER. Remarkably. Such a delightful meeting of husband and wife, Mr.
Snarl!
[_Exeunt L. C._
[_Music ceases._
MABEL. How kind they all are to me, except him whose kindness alone I
value, and he must take Lady Betty's hand instead of mine; but that is
good breeding I suppose. I wish there was no such thing as good
breeding in London, any more than in Huntingdonshire.
COLANDER (_without, angrily, C. L._) I tell you Mr. Vane is not at
home.
MABEL. What is the matter?
[_Triplet discovered attempting to force his way through L. C.
Colander bars his entrance. Triplet carries a portfolio, two volumes,
and a roll of manuscript._]
COL. I tell you he is not at home, sir.
MABEL. How can you say so, when you know he is in the garden.
COL. Ugh! (_aside_) the simpleton.
MABEL. Show the gentleman in.
COL. Gentleman!
TRIP. A thousand thanks, madam, for this condescension; I will wait
Mr. Vane's leisure in the hall.
MABEL. Nay, sir, not in the hall, 'tis cold there. Tell Mr. Vane the
gentleman waits. Will you go, sirrah?
COL. I am gone, madam. (_Aside_) Porter to players! and now usher to
an author! curse me if I stand it.
[_Exit L. U. E._
TRIP. (_advancing_). A thousand apologies, madam, for the trouble I
put you to. I--madam--you overwhelm me with confusion.
MABEL. Nay--nay--be seated.
TRIP. Madam, you are too condescending. (_Aside_) Who can she be?
(_Bows again and again._)
MABEL. Nay, sit down and rest you. (_Triplet bows, and sits on the
edge of a chair, with astonishment_). You look sadly adust and tired.
TRIP. Why, yes, madam; it is a long way from Lambeth; and the heat is
surpassing (_takes his handkerchief out to wipe his brow: returns it
somewhat hastily to his pocket_). I beg your pardon, I forgot myself.
MABEL (_aside_). Poor man, he looks sadly lean and hungry. And I'll be
bound you came in such a hurry, you forgot--you mustn't be angry with
me--to have your dinner first.
TRIP. How strange! Madam, you have guessed it. I did forget--he,
he!--I have such a head--not that I need have forgotten it--but being
used to forget it, I did not remember not to forget it to-day (_smiles
absurdly_).
MABEL (_pours wine_). A glass of wine, sir?
TRIP. (_rising and bowing_). Nay, madam (_eyes the wine--drinks_).
Nectar, as I am a man. (_She helps him to refreshments_).
MABEL. Take a biscuit, sir?
TRIP. (_eating_). Madam, as I said before, you overwhelm me. Walking
certainly makes one hungry (_eats_). Oh, yes, it certainly does
(_Mabel helps him_); and though I do not usually eat at this time of
the day. (_Mabel helps him again._)
MABEL. I am sorry Mr. Vane keeps you waiting.
TRIP. By no means, Madam, it is very fortunate (_eats_)--I mean it
procures me the pleasure of (_eats_) your society. Besides, the
servants of the Muse are used to waiting. What we are not used to is
(_she fills his glass_) being waited on by Hebe and the Twelve Graces,
whose health I have the honour!--Falernian, as I'm a poet!
MABEL. A poet! (_clapping her hands._) Oh, I am so glad! I never
thought to see a living poet; I do so love poetry!
TRIP. Ha! it is in your face, madam. I should be proud to have your
opinion of this trifle composed by me for Mr. Vane, in honour of the
lady he expected this morning.
MABEL (_aside_). Dear Ernest! how ungrateful I was. Nay, sir, I think
I know the lady; and it would be hardly proper for me to hear them.
TRIP. (_after placing the MS. by the side of his plate, with another
plate to keep it open; laying his hand on his heart_). Oh, strictly
correct, Madam. James Triplet never stooped to the loose taste of the
town, even in trifles of this sort. (_Reads_) "When first from
Albion's isle----"
MABEL. Take another glass of wine first.
TRIP. Madam, I will (_drinks_). I thank you infinitely. (_Reads_)
"When first from Albion's isle----"
MABEL. Another biscuit (_helps him_).
TRIP. Madam (_eats a mouthful_), you do me infinite honour. (_Reads
again_) "When first from Albion's isle----"
MABEL. No--no--no! (_stops her ears._) Mr. Vane intended them for a
surprise, and it would spoil his pleasure were I to hear them from
you.
TRIP. (_sighs_). As you please, madam! But you would have liked them,
for the theme inspired me. The kindest, the most generous and gifted
of women!--don't you agree with me, madam?
MABEL (_laughs_). No, indeed!
TRIP. Ah! if you knew her as I do.
MABEL. I ought to know her better, sir.
TRIP. Her kindness to me, for instance: a poor devil like me, if I may
be allowed the expression.
MABEL. Nay, you exaggerate her trifling act of civility.
TRIP. (_reproachfully_). Act of civility, madam! Why she has saved me
from despair--from starvation perhaps.
MABEL (_aside_). Poor thing! how hungry he must have been.
TRIP. And she's to sit to me for her portrait, too.
MABEL. Her portrait! (_aside._) Oh, another attention of Ernest's--but
I thought you were a poet, sir?
TRIP. So I am, madam, from an epitaph to an epic. Let me convince you.
(_Reads_) "When first from Albion's isle----"
MABEL. But you spoke just now of painting. Are you a painter too?
TRIP. From a scene to a sign-board; from a house-front to an
historical composition.
MABEL. Oh, what a clever man! And so Ernest commissioned you to paint
this portrait?
TRIP. No; for that I am indebted to the lady herself.
MABEL. The lady? (_Rises_).
TRIP. I expected to find her here;--perhaps you can inform me whether
she is arrived?
MABEL (_aside_). Not my portrait after all. Who?
TRIP. Mrs. Woffington.
MABEL. Woffington? No, there was no such name among the guests Mr.
Vane received to-day.
TRIP. That is strange! She was to be here; and therefore I expedited
the verses in her honour.
MABEL (_ruefully_). In _her_ honour?
TRIP. Yes, Madam: the subject is "Genius trampling on Envy." It
begins--(_reads_). "When first from Albion's Isle----"
MABEL. Nay, I do not care to hear them, for I do not know the lady.
TRIP. Few really know her; but at least you have seen her act.
MABEL. Act! Is she an actress?
TRIP. _An_ actress, madam! _The_ Actress!--and you have never seen
her! Madam, you have a great pleasure before you; to see her act is a
privilege, but to act with her, as I once did, though she doesn't
remember it--I was hissed, madam, owing to circumstances which for the
credit of our common nature I suppress.
MABEL. An actor too!
TRIP. And it was in a farce of my own too, madam, which was
damned--accidentally.
MABEL. And a play-writer?
TRIP. Plays, madam! I have written a library of them; but the madmen
who manage the patent houses won't act them and make their fortunes.
You see in me a dramatic gold mine, lost because no company will work
me.
MABEL. Yes, yes; but tell me! this actress:--Mr. Vane admires her?
TRIP. Mr. Vane is a gentleman of taste, madam.
MABEL. And she was to have been here? There were none but persons of
quality--Ah! the news of my intended arrival--no doubt--well Mr.----
TRIP. Triplet, madam! James Triplet, 10, Hercules Buildings, Lambeth:
occasional verses, odes, epithalamia, elegies, dedications,
translations, and every species of literary composition executed with
spirit, punctuality, and secrecy. Portraits painted, and lessons given
in declamation and the dramatic art. The card, madam, (_presents
card_) of him, who, to all these qualifications adds a prouder
still--that of being your humble, devoted, and truly grateful
servant--James Triplet (_bows and moves off,--returns_). The fact is,
madam, it may appear strange to you, but a kind hand has not so often
been held out to me, that I should forget it, especially when that
hand is so fair and gracious as yours. May I be permitted, madam?
(_puts her hand to his lips_,) you will impute it to gratitude rather
than audacity--madam, I am gone--I flatter myself James Triplet,
throughout this charming interview, has conducted himself like what he
may not appear to be--a gentleman.--Madam, I take my final leave.
[_Exit 3 E. L._
MABEL. Invite an actress to his house! but Ernest is so warm-hearted
and generous; no doubt 'tis as Mr. Triplet says; he has admired her
acting and wished to mark his sense of her merit by presenting her
these verses, and a dinner.
[_Music._
These poor actors and actresses! I have seen some of them down in
Huntingdonshire, and I know what a kindness it is to give them a good
meal. (_crosses to L._).
[_Enter Sir Charles Pomander, L. C. down R._]
POM. What, madam, all alone, here as in Huntingdonshire! Force of
habit. A husband with a wife in Huntingdonshire is so like a bachelor.
MABEL. Sir!
POM. And our excellent Ernest is such a favourite.
MABEL. No wonder.
POM. There are not many who can so pass in six months from the larva
state of Bumpkin to the butterfly existence of Beau.
[_Music ceases._
MABEL. Yes; (_sadly_) I find him changed.
POM. Changed? transformed! He is now the prop of the Cocoa-tree--the
star of Ranelagh--the Lauzum of the Green Room.
MABEL. The green room?
POM. Ah, I forgot! you are fresh from Eden; the Green Room, my dear
madam, is the bower where fairies put off their wings and goddesses
become dowdies--where Lady Macbeth weeps over her lap-dog's
indigestion, and Belvidera groans over the amount of her last
milliner's bill. In a word, the Green Room is the place where actors
and actresses become mere men and women, and the name is no doubt
derived from the general character of its unprofessional visitors.
MABEL. And is it possible that Ernest, Mr. Vane, frequents such
places?
POM. He has earned in six months a reputation that many a fine
gentleman would give his ears for--not a scandalous journal he has not
figured in--not an actress of reputation or no reputation, but gossip
has given him for a conquest.
MABEL. You forget, sir, you are speaking to his wife.
POM. On the contrary, madam; but you would be sure to learn this, and
it is best you should learn it at once and from a friend.
MABEL. Is it the office of a friend to calumniate the husband to the
wife?
POM. When he admires the wife, he reprobates the husband's ill-taste
in neglecting her.
MABEL. Do you suppose I did not know of his having invited Mrs.
Woffington to his house to day?
POM. What! you found her out? you detected the Actress-of-all-work
under the airs of Lady Betty Modish.
MABEL. Lady Betty Modish!
POM. Yes; that was La Woffington.
MABEL. Whom he had invited hither to present her with a copy of
verses.
POM. Et cetera.
MABEL. And who in an actress's sudden frolic, gave herself and her
companions those titles without my husband's connivance.
POM. Vane could not have explained it half so well. These women are
incredibles.
MABEL. Had the visit been in any other character, do you think he
would have chosen for it the day of my arrival?
POM. Certainly not, if he knew you were coming.
MABEL. And he did know; why here (_seeing letters on table L._) are my
letters announcing my intention to start--my progress on the road--the
last written from Barnet, only yesterday.
[_While speaking she has gone to the salver, and hastily taken the
letters, which she offers Pomander with triumph. He takes them with an
uncertain air, looks at them--gives them back to her--after a pause--_
POM. (_coolly_). The seals have not been broken, Madam.
MABEL (_bursting into tears_). Unopened! It is too true! Flung aside
unread! and I have learned by heart every word he ever wrote to me.
Sir, you have struck down the hope and trust of my life without
remorse. May heaven forgive you!
POM. Madam! let me, who have learned to adore you----
MABEL. I may no longer hold a place in my husband's heart--but I am
still mistress of his house--leave it, Sir!
POM. Your wishes are my law (_going_),--but here they come! (_crosses
to L._) Use the right of a wife, watch them unseen, and you will soon
learn whether I am mistaken, or you misinformed.
MABEL (_violently_). No! I will not dog my husband's steps at the
bidding of his treacherous friend (_watches Pomander out_).
POM. (_aside_). She will watch them.
[_Exit._
[_After a moment or two of irresolution, Mabel crouches down behind a
chair. Enter Vane C. L. conducting Woffington: they pass without
observing Mabel._]
VANE. But one word--I can explain all. Let me accompany you to this
painter's. I am ready to renounce credit--character--wife--all for
you!
WOFF. I go alone, sir. Call Mrs. Woffington's coach.
[_Exit Woff. followed by Vane._
MABEL (_starting from seat_). Oh, no, no!--you cannot use me so.
Ernest! Husband! (_tries to rush towards L. D. Swoons. Vane returns._)
VANE. Who called me? Mabel--my wife! (_stamps_) help, here!--what have
I done? (_He raises her in his arms._)
[END OF ACT I.]