“We must take the bull by the horns,” my companion whispered to me, “for
this woman is quite capable of making fun of us.”
The laundress was seated facing me; she was enjoined to be silent and to
allow herself to be touched, which she did with much good humor; but she
laughed slyly while I held her hand, and I heard her mutter while
pretending to be asleep:
“Oh! mon Dieu! how stupid this is! The sapper told me that they’d try
some flim-flam game on me!”
I at once proclaimed aloud all that Clairette had told us concerning the
laundress’s love-affairs. I forgot nothing, neither the drum-major, nor
the waltz, nor the assignation, nor its consequences. At my first words,
the company began to laugh, Madame Jolicœur was covered with confusion,
and before I had finished my speech, the laundress had left her seat,
elbowed her way through the crowd and rushed from the inn, swearing
that we were sorcerers.
This first experiment left no doubt in anyone’s mind concerning the
virtue of magnetism; so that Monsieur le Marquis de Vieux-Buissons
stalked solemnly toward us, and, in an almost courteous tone, requested
my confrère to put him in communication with me at once.
The usual preliminaries concluded, the following dialogue took place
between us two:
“Who am I?”
“A most high and mighty seigneur in your ancient château, of which but
one wing remains; that is why you have recently purchased another small
seigniory in the neighborhood.”
“That is true; but what do I wish to do now?”
“You wish that your vassals should be submissive, trembling and fearful
in your presence, like lambs before a lion; you wish to be the master of
their destinies; you wish that they should give you their fairest and
best--what they have earned by the sweat of their brow; and in addition
to all that, you wish that they should pay you.”
“That is very true.”
“You would that maidens should not change their state without your
permission.”
“That is the truth.”
“And as you are no longer capable of effecting this, you would, on the
wedding day, put your old bare leg into the bed of the young virgin, who
will shriek and weep at the sight of her lord’s calf, a result which
will do great honor to him, as he is very glad now to frighten his
vassals with that, since he can arouse no other sentiment. In short, you
wish to revive the rights of _jambage_, _cuissage_, _marquette_ and
_prélibation_, as they existed in the good old days of chivalry, when a
knight always rode with lance in rest, fighting when neither would
yield to the other, on a narrow road where two could not pass; fighting
when the man whom he met refused to declare aloud that his lady was the
fairest, although he had never seen her; fighting with dwarfs--there
were dwarfs in those days--and with giants who carried off young
maidens, and who, despite their enormous clubs--for a giant never went
abroad without one--allowed themselves to be run through like manikins
by the first knight who appeared on the scene!”
“That’s it, that’s it exactly! I mean to have a dwarf at the door of my
dovecote, and to kill the first giant who appears on my land, where one
has never yet been seen.”
“Very well, monsieur le marquis, buy some of Master Graograicus’s pills,
take them in large quantities and often; they will make you young,
vigorous, active and lusty; your white hair will turn black again, your
figure will become straight, your wrinkles will disappear, your cheeks
will fill out, your color will come back and your teeth will grow again.
I will guarantee that, when this transformation has taken place, your
vassals will do whatever you wish, and especially that the girls will no
longer avoid you.”
The marquis, delighted by my replies, took twelve boxes of the pills and
paid for them without haggling. He put some in every pocket; he
swallowed half a dozen at once, and started for home, with head erect
and a sparkling eye, and feeling ten years younger already.
After the marquis, Aline-Cunégonde Trouillard came forward; there was no
need of preliminaries or of harangues to induce Madame Trouillard to
believe in magnetism; the poor woman had such sensitive nerves that she
fell into a trance as soon as my companion touched her with the end of
his wand. In my interview with her I said recklessly whatever came into
my head; she had all the diseases that I mentioned, she felt all the
symptoms that I suggested to her. What a windfall to charlatans such
weak-minded creatures are! Madame Trouillard filled her reticule with
pills and went away, after subscribing to all our séances, public and
private.
We were awaiting Estelle Guignard, whose name was on our list, when a
sturdy fellow, in wooden shoes and a blue blouse, forced his way through
the crowd and approached us. I had no answers prepared for this new
arrival, so I let him address my companion, who looked about for
Clairette, hoping to obtain from her some indispensable information; but
the girl, thinking that we had no further need of her, had gone down to
the kitchen; so that we had to proceed without a confederate. My
colleague hoped to extricate himself from the difficulty easily,
especially as he had to do with a peasant. He walked up to the man, who
was staring with a surprised expression into the mysterious tub; and
trying to assume a more imposing air than ever, he began to question
him.
“Who are you?”
“Pardine! you’d ought to know well enough, as you’re a sorcerer.”
“Of course I know; but as I ask you, of course I must have secret
reasons for doing so. Answer then, without tergiversation.”
“Without tergi--without terger--What are you talking about?”
“I ask you your name.”
“My name’s like my brother’s, Eustache Nicole.”
“What do you do?”
“Why, I work in the fields, or else I drive folks’ wagons when there’s
stuff to carry.”
“Why have you come here?”
“What! why, I’ve come like the rest of ’em! to see what a sorcerer looks
like.”
“Who told you that I was a sorcerer?”
“The barber did, when I got clipped at his place this morning; and as
there ain’t been no sorcerers in these parts for a long time, I stayed
in town on purpose to see you.”
“Do you want to be magnetized?”
“Magne--What do you mean by that?”
“Do you want me to put the secret agent at work on you?”
“Pardi! I don’t care what you put to work!”
“Well, what do you wish to know?”
“Oh! well! lots o’ things!--You mean to say that you can’t guess ’em?”
“Yes, indeed; and first of all I am going to magnetize you.”
“All right, I’m willing; will it cost me much?”
“I charge nothing for that.”
“If that’s so, then you must be a sorcerer sure enough, if you do your
business without having your hand greased!”
My little hunchback seated the peasant in a great easy-chair, then
touched him several times with the magic wand; but the clown let him
keep on, and seemed to be not in the slightest degree under the charm.
Thereupon my companion began to pass his fingers very lightly over his
eyes, in order to communicate the magnetic fluid to him. The peasant
said nothing, but contented himself with turning his chair from time to
time and rubbing his eyes. I felt a strong desire to laugh when I saw
the pains that my poor comrade was taking, perspiring profusely in his
efforts to magnetize Eustache Nicole.
At last the peasant seemed quieter; he ceased to move and rub his eyes.
“The charm is working,” said Master Graograicus in an undertone, as he
continued his labors; “this fellow has given me a lot of trouble! but I
have succeeded at last! As you see, he is entering the somnambulistic
state; before long he will speak.”
But, instead of speaking, the peasant, who had really fallen asleep,
gave passage to so prolonged a sound that the most dauntless magnetizer
would not have had the courage to continue. My hunchback jumped back,
holding his nose. I roared with laughter and the whole audience followed
suit.
That sudden noise awoke our peasant; he rose and asked if the experiment
was at an end.
“You are a boor,” said my companion angrily; “you have failed in respect
to the whole company, and you are not worthy to be magnetized.”
The peasant was not long-suffering; he lost his temper, declared that we
were making fools of the poor people and that we were no more sorcerers
than he was. At that, Master Graograicus attempted to expel the insolent
villain who cast a doubt upon his learning. He pushed him with his wand.
The angry peasant turned and seized my illustrious magnetizer by the
beard. The hunchback cried out, the spectators came forward; the women
called for help, the wiser sort contented themselves with laughing, and
the partisans of magnetism rushed to the assistance of the poor
sorcerer. He was fighting with Monsieur Nicole, who would not relax his
grasp on the beard. In their struggles they approached the tub; they
stumbled over it and both fell in, face down. Water cools and allays the
passions. The peasant, on withdrawing his head from the tub, released
his opponent’s beard and quietly left the room. My companion, who was
thoroughly drenched, felt that he was no longer in a condition to make
proselytes, and he declared the séance adjourned.
XIII
EFFECTS OF THE PHILTERS.--BROTHER JACQUES LEAVES HIS COMPANION
Despite the unpleasant conclusion of our first séance in magnetism, we
did a very good business at the Tête-Noire. Clairette gave us all the
information that we desired, and to avoid a repetition of the Eustache
Nicole episode, we admitted only those persons who had entered their
names beforehand.
But the public curiosity abated, and the effects of our pills did not
always correspond to the expectations of the purchasers. Moreover, I
began to be less in love with Clairette; I had surprised her several
times being rejuvenated by Pierre and Jérôme, and that had taken away
all the illusion of a first love. So that I was not disappointed when my
companion suggested that we should go away.
For six months we lived in that same way, remaining a longer or shorter
time in one place according to the number of dupes we made there. That
worked very well; but we did not always find accomplices, and then we
were likely to make serious mistakes. One day I told a money-lender that
he didn’t care for money, a drunkard that he didn’t like wine, a gambler
that he didn’t care for cards, and a bachelor that his wife was false
to him; you can imagine, Sans-Souci, that we did not make a brilliant
success in that town.
I began to be tired of that kind of life; I had informed my companion
that I wished to leave him, but he always strove to keep me. But one day
I resolved to give my love of mischief a free rein and to play some
trick on him that would take away all desire on his part to have me for
a partner.
We were in a small town where we were performing miracles. Magnetism and
somnambulism seemed to have turned everyone’s head; people fought for
the privilege of consulting us first, of obtaining private conferences.
I could not fill the orders for pills, and even the charms were selling
very well. It was in that place that I determined to try an experiment
of my own invention on the fools who applied to us.
An old advocate had been paying court for some time to a coquette of
uncertain age, who refused to respond to his flame, but did not cease to
listen to his tender declarations. The lady was crafty, she was well
pleased to inspire passions, and she was afraid of losing her influence
over her adorer if she yielded to his desires. They both came to consult
us: the advocate to learn how to soften the heart of his charmer, and
she, how to retain the charms that made so many men wretched. My
companion promised Monsieur Gérard--that was the old suitor’s name--a
philter that would make the coldest woman amorous; and he promised
Madame Dubelair a charm that would shelter hers from the ravages of
time.
In the same house with Madame Dubelair lived the deputy mayor of the
town. Monsieur Rose was an excellent man; but his wife complained of one
great failing in him; he was not enough in love with her, and was not
in the slightest degree jealous. So Madame Rose also came to consult us
as to the means she could employ to put an end to her husband’s
indifference. To make a husband amorous of his wife after fifteen years
of wedlock was rather difficult. Nevertheless my companion promised
Madame Rose a philter with a marvelous power of causing jealousy, and
the dear soul went away, overjoyed to know that she might still hope to
drive her husband frantic.
My hunchback made haste to compound the philters, and gave them to me to
carry to their addresses, instructing me to collect the pay for them. On
the way I reflected how amusing it would be to change the destination of
the little phials.
“Parbleu!” I said to myself, “I am going to see what will happen! I will
give Madame Rose, instead of the charm for jealousy, the one to make a
person amorous; to Monsieur Gérard the one to arouse anger, and to
Madame Dubelair the one for jealousy; the results cannot fail to be
comical.”
I instantly put my plan into execution; I delivered the phials to the
three persons concerned, assuring them of their miraculous effect; then
I returned to the inn and impatiently awaited the result of my prank.
Monsieur Gérard had solicited and obtained from Madame Dubelair
permission to lunch with her _en tête-à-tête_. I had carried him the
alluring charm early in the morning, and he thought that it would not be
a bad idea for him to take part of it before calling upon his inamorata,
in order to give himself resolution and audacity. Madame Dubelair had
lost no time in tasting the marvelous phial, which was to make her
charms impervious to time; and Madame Rose had poured a large part of
hers into the chocolate that her husband drank every morning.
You know, my dear Sans-Souci, what my master’s drugs were compounded of,
and how he had figured out their inevitable effect. Imagine therefore
the events that occurred during that memorable evening! Monsieur Gérard
betook himself to his adored one’s abode; on the way, he felt slight
colicky pains; his head was burning hot. He supposed that the charm was
working and he hastened to Madame Dubelair’s. He found her reclining
negligently in a long chair. But imagine his surprise! His charming
friend was unrecognizable; her nose was red and swollen, her skin
tightly drawn; several blotches embellished her brow.
“How do you think I look this evening, Monsieur Gérard?” she asked with
a sly smile; “I am sure that you find me changed.”
“In truth, madame,” replied the poor advocate, holding his hands to his
abdomen and making diabolical faces as he spoke, “I do find you changed.
You are ill, no doubt.”
“Ill, monsieur! ill! when you yourself are writhing and twisting in such
an extraordinary way!”
“Madame, I admit, that for a minute or two----”
“My mirror, Fifine; I wish to know if I look sick, as monsieur thinks.”
Poor Gérard could stand it no longer; the philter was working; colic and
headache appeared. The maid brought Madame Dubelair her mirror. The
coquette looked at herself and began to shriek horribly; she broke the
mirror, she had an attack of hysterics, and her poor lover implored
Fifine to give him the key to his mistress’s closet. The girl, who was
mischievous and sly, like most soubrettes, roared with laughter when she
saw Monsieur Gérard’s plight; and to make the confusion complete, Madame
Rose rushed in, crying that she was betrayed, dishonored; that her
husband was a monster who gave her no children but had just debauched
his concierge. Our amorous philter had raised the deuce with Monsieur
Rose; the poor man had gone home, hoping to find his wife there; she had
hidden in order to make him jealous, and the dear husband, finding
nobody but his concierge at hand, had made her the victim of the flames
that consumed him.
The cries of Madame Rose, who was frantic with rage, of the concierge,
who pretended to be, of Madame Dubelair, who was trying to tear off her
nose, of Monsieur Gérard, who was holding his stomach, and of Monsieur
Rose, who was weeping over his own perversity, soon attracted the whole
quarter. The neighbors hurried to the spot, asked questions, pushed and
crowded, gave Madame Rose orange-flower water, the concierge cologne,
Madame Dubelair ether, Monsieur Gérard an enema, and Monsieur Rose
extract of water lily.
When the first outcries had subsided, an attempt was made to ascertain
the cause of so many untoward events. It was clear that there must be
some witchcraft underneath. Madame Dubelair swore that she had never in
her whole life had a pimple on her nose or anywhere else, Monsieur
Gérard never ate too much, and Madame Rose, despite her wrath, admitted
that her husband was not the man to pinch a woman’s knee unless he had
been made tipsy. Thus these extraordinary events must have had some
hidden cause. They remembered the philters; they confided in one
another; and the result was that the little hunchback was voted a
sorcerer, a magician, a charlatan, an impostor worthy of hell-fire. But,
pending the time when he should go to hell, they considered that it was
necessary to put him in prison, in order to prevent him from repeating
his infamous incantations.
Rose, the deputy, went to the mayor and explained the affair to him; he
obtained an order for the culprit’s arrest. On his side, the advocate
assembled all the notables of the town; they shared his wrath and
considered that the scoundrel who gave one of the long robe the colic
could not be punished too severely. Madame Dubelair and Madame Rose
stirred up all the women; Madame Dubelair especially had to say no more
than this: “A man who can make the nose red and the complexion
lead-color is a villain who deserves the halter!”--As for the philter of
which Monsieur Rose had drunk, all the ladies begged for a few drops of
it for their private use, thinking that, when thus divided, it could not
fail to produce very pleasant results.
These events had taken time; it was daybreak when they started for our
lodgings to arrest us. I say us, for I am quite sure that I should have
shared my companion’s fate. But since the preceding day I had been on
the alert, walking about the town, watching all that took place,
listening to what people said; in short, I learned that they were coming
to arrest us, and I did not deem it prudent to wait until that time.
While my companion was asleep, I made a little bundle of everything
belonging to me, and of the money I had earned with him, being careful
to take no more than was really mine; then, wishing my little hunchback
much good fortune, I left our lodgings, leaving him to get out of the
scrape as he could.
I have no idea what happened to him, for I never saw him again; but as
sorcerers are no longer hanged, since it has been discovered that there
are no such things, I am very sure that my poor charlatan got off with a
few months in prison.
XIV
END OF JACQUES’S ADVENTURES
I had about thirty louis in my purse; for selling pills made of bread is
a very good business; you make few advances and never sell on credit,
which proves that there is nothing that has not some value. You can
imagine, my dear Sans-Souci, that my only idea was to enjoy myself
thoroughly, and that is what I did in several towns where I stopped; but
the adventure that happened to me in Brussels put an end to my
enjoyment.
I had been living at an inn two days, and I passed my time like all
idlers or strangers, eating much, drinking a great deal, and walking
about without any definite object, but going into all the public places,
and visiting everything that seemed likely to be at all interesting to
me.
On the second day, having gone to the theatre, I found myself beside a
young man of respectable exterior. He seemed to be three or four years
older than myself and to be thoroughly acquainted with society. We
talked together, and he told me at once that he was from Lyon, and was
travelling for pleasure and to escape from a marriage which his parents
wished to force upon him. His confidence invited mine; so I in my turn
told him all my adventures, the narrative of which seemed to interest
him greatly.
In a word, by virtue of this similarity of tastes and of temperament, we
became friends. Bréville--that was my new acquaintance’s name--invited
me to dine with him on the following day, at one of the best
restaurants, and I accepted very gladly; for it is a great pleasure,
when one arrives in a town, to find some one with whom one can form an
intimacy.
My new friend entertained me handsomely; we lived on the fat of the
land; we walked and drove, and went to the theatre and to all the cafés.
Bréville seemed to know the city very well for a stranger; he took me to
all the tap-rooms and public places; I commented upon it laughingly to
him and complimented him on the facility with which he remembered the
way to all the places of amusement. To make a long story short, after
doing the city one night, visiting cafés and frail ladies, we found
ourselves at one o’clock one morning in the street, drunk with punch,
liqueurs, porter, whiskey and faro.
I could hardly hold myself erect, and I was most desirous to be in my
bed, to which I would have liked to be transported by some kind genie,
for I felt that my legs were but a feeble support to me. Bréville seemed
less affected than myself, but he too complained of fatigue. The street
lamps gave a very dim light. For an hour I had been urging my companion
to take me home; but in vain did we walk through streets and squares, I
could not discover my inn.
At last my guide admitted that he had lost the way and that we were very
far from my lodging; but by way of compensation we were very near his,
where he offered me a bed. As you may imagine, I accepted without
hesitation. I was no longer able to walk, I could hardly see where I was
going,--the inevitable result of the numerous forms of dissipation in
which we had indulged.
Bréville knocked at a door leading into a dark passageway. An old woman
admitted us. I hastened, or rather was carried, up a dirty winding
staircase, and at last I found myself in an almost unfurnished chamber,
which at any other time would not have given me a very brilliant idea of
the situation of my new acquaintance; but at that time I thought of
nothing but sleep, and in two minutes I was lying on a wretched bed and
sleeping soundly.
Whether it was the effect of the punch, or of the strong liqueurs, I
passed a very restless night; I did not wake however and it was not
until late in the morning that a violent shaking made me open my eyes.
“I say, my friend! wake up! You have been sleeping a long time, and it
ain’t good for you!”
Such were the words that first fell upon my ears. I opened my eyes to
their fullest extent, looked about me, and made no reply, for the
picture before me left me uncertain as to whether I was really wide
awake.
Imagine my surprise, my dear Sans-Souci; instead of finding myself in a
bedroom and in the bed on which I had lain down the night before, I
found myself stretched out on a stone bench, in a sort of square,
without coat or hat, and with nothing on but my shirt, trousers and
waistcoat, and surrounded by a number of messengers who were gazing at
me with curiosity.
“Come, come, comrade,” said one of them; “come to yourself; you must
have had a good supper last night, and drunk a great deal! That makes
you sleep sound; I know how it is! And the morning after, you are as
stupid as a fool; you don’t know where the deuce your memory has gone
to! But it comes back little by little!”
The fellow’s words recalled all my folly of the night before. An impulse
as swift as thought led me to feel my pockets and my fob. Alas! they
were empty; and like most young men, I had been ass enough to carry all
that I possessed about me. I was the dupe of a swindler. In vain did I
ask the men about me where Bréville lived; no one knew him. I looked to
see if I could recognize the house to which the traitor had taken me; I
saw nothing that resembled it.