I EXERT MY GREAT ABILITIES ON A GREAT OCCASION.
When I had fairly made up my mind to tak a wife, I set mysel to the wark
systematically. The first thing to be dune was to put mysel in a
convenient position for being struck; but a knowledge o' my combustible
nature suggested caution against mere love at first sight--_ex aspectu
nascitur amor_--lest I might be caught in yarn toils in place o' a goold
chain. After a', there's nae place like a dominie's desk, for showing
aff to the greatest advantage a man's personalities and graces. The
openin o' the chest to let out the wind, naturally produces an erection
o' the hail man. The keepin o' the time wi' the arm brings out a gracefu
movement, just as ane were to set aff in a minuet. The lightin up o' the
ee, and the fine attenuation o' a' the sma' limber muscles o' the face,
wi' the power o' the music, is a direct expression o' the pure pathetic,
showing at ance baith yer sentiment and yer beauty. Then singin
itsel--and love, Augustinus says, will mak a musician out o' an
ass--_musicam docet amor_--is a great grace and accomplishment, whether
it be in warbling "Dundee's" wild measures, the "plaintive Martyrs," or
"noble Elgin"--a' the very pick o' Psalm tunes--ranting "Tullochgorum,"
or spinnin out the lang, plaintive notes o' "The Flowers o' the Forest."
It may very safely be supposed, that I never lost sight o' thae
advantages. A dominie, in urgent celibacy, has a' the invention aboot
him o' a man in extreme hunger. In fact, I felt as keen to get a wife as
I ever did to get my three offices. But I was weel aware that a' my
dress--and Mr Meiklejohn himsel, the minister, hadna a finer gloss on
his black coat, or a brighter white in his cravat--a' my posture-makin,
my attitudes and smiles--a' my sentimental looks, and turnin up o' the
white o' my een--could avail me little, unless I picked out some female
as the object and mark o' a weel-directed and significant _glowr_. In
case o' failure, I fixed upon twa--May Walker, the dochter o' Gilbert
Walker, an auld cattle-dealer, wha rented Langacres frae a chief
heritor; and Agnes Lowrie, the dochter o' Benjamin Lowrie, feuar o'
Muirbank. Twa or three guid _glowrs_ were a' that was necessary, in the
first instance, to show that I, the dominie o' St Fillan's, wanted a
wife, and that I was even in a state o' great exigency. The moment I
thought I had impressed my twa damosels with this idea, I laboured
assiduously in my vocation of endeavourin to produce, by my gracefu
attitudes and sweet singin, a favourable impression on their hearts.
I am a weel-disposed man, but love is a terrible thing, and it now hangs
heavy on my conscience, that I did little else, during the duration o'
Mr Meiklejohn's discourses, than to cast the glamour o' my attractions
owre the een o' my dulcineas. There was ae particular occasion, however,
beyond a', for expressin the pressure and exigency o' my situation, and,
as it were, forcin attention to my wants and wishes. I used to gie out
the purposed marriages at an early hour, before the congregation was
half assembled; but I now took especial care, that the twa objects o' my
affections should be calmly seated before I executed this part o' my
duties. I began first by fixin my een on the ane I intended to devote
that particular Sabbath to, (for I alternated my preferences;) and, as I
looked at her as significantly as I could, I pronounced the emphatic
words--"There is a purpose o' marriage between"--wi' sae muckle strong,
heart-felt pathos--sometimes even inclinin my right hand a little in the
direction o' my heart--that baith look and word maun hae pierced her
very gizzard. It was perfectly impossible that this could fail. These
preliminary operations I persevered in for sixteen Sabbaths.
Having prepared matters in this effectual--I may say irresistible way--I
bethought mysel o' the maist efficient way o' followin up the advantage
I had gained. I asked my respected parent which o' the twa lasses he
thought I should attack first. He answered, wi' that wisdom for which he
was sae remarkable, that that depended upon circumstances. Twa or three
days afterwards, he said he was prepared to answer my question--the
interval being, I presume, occupied in gettin intelligence about the
wealth o' the respective fathers o' the young women. He said, that, sae
far as he could answer, May Walker was the preferable damsel. I asked
him his reason. He replied, that he had taen the trouble o' ascertainin
the hail circumstances o' her condition; and, though her father wasna
sae rich as Agnes Lowrie's, he was paler, and a guid deal mair
cadaverous looking. If my parent hadna been speakin professionally, as
the sexton o' St Fillans, I might hae been inclined to think he was
jokin, but he never was mair serious in his life; and, in fact, he had
that very mornin been _Buchaneezing_, as he caed it, on Gilbert Walker's
_prognosis_, and had come to a conclusion on his case, very favourable
to my prospects in life.
The saxteen Sabbaths I had spent _in limine_, as it were, o' Cupid's
temple, drove me sae _hard up_--in other words, increased the exigency
o' my celibacy to such an extent--that, actin on my father's advice, I
determined upon fa'in foul o' her the very first time I met her in an
unprotected situation, and in a secret, sequestered, and convenient
place. My respected parent aye said, that love was just like death. The
twa powers are aye best, baith for themsels and their victims, when they
tak them by storm, or, as the French say, by a _coup de main_. A
lingerin death and a lingerin love (said the guidman) make the heart
sick, and, for his part, (laying aside his professional feelings), he
detested baith. He seized my mither, he said, just like an apoplexy, and
she succumbed in a single groan o' consent.
"Gideon, take example by me," he continued; "never seize a woman like
what Buchan ca's a _hemiplegia_--that is, by halves; comprehend in your
embrace liver, pancreas, stamach, heart, spleen, and then ye're sure to
move her compassion, and settle the affair in an instant."
Following my worthy genitor's advice, I watched for May Walker, the
next Sabbath, as she left the kirk after the afternoon's service. She
was alane, and took the quietest road to Langacres. I dogged her most
determinedly up the Willow Loan that leads into a solitary and
sequestered howe, ca'ed the Warlocks' Glen, a place sae intensely
romantic, sae completely sacred to the high feelins o' love and poetry,
that it seemed impossible there for a woman to resist a man; and, if she
might attempt it, she could look for nae mortal assistance. Having ogled
her into a perfect state o' preparation, or predisposition to receive
the attack, as the doctors say, I was quite certain o' success; and,
just as an experienced sportsman lets a bird tak a lang flight afore he
fires, to shew his ease, coolness, and confidence in his powers, I
allowed her to be half-way up the Willow Loan afore I should pounce upon
her. By some misfortune, however, she had got a glimpse o' me; for, just
when I was meditating on the surest way o' makin my point guid, she took
to her heels, like a springbok, and was off through the Warlocks' Glen
in as short a time as I tak to gie out the first line o' a heroic Psalm
verse.
I cam hame and reported my progress to my parent; but he wasna in the
slightest degree dispirited; and next Sabbath, I got Andrew Waugh, a
singin weaver o' the village, to officiate for me, under a pretence that
I had caught a severe cauld. I repaired to the Warlocks' Glen, and sat
doun on a stump o' an auld aik tree, allowin freely the inspiration o'
the place to seize me, and nerve my energies for the bauld project I had
in hand. In a short time, I espied the streamers o' a woman's bannet
wavin amang the willows in the distance. Slouchin doun, like a tiger,
behind a large broom bush, I watched the onward progress o' the sweet
nymph, doubtless my beloved May. It was absolutely and indispensably
requisite that I should take her by ambuscade; for, if she had seen even
the hem o' my garment, I'm satisfied her ambulation would hae been
reversed, and in speed very considerably increased. I'm vexed to be
obliged to mak this admission, which grates sae harshly against my
self-conceit; but verity transcends, in beauty and importance, vanity;
and I consider this biography to be naething but a confession frae
beginnin to end.
Keepin my slouchin, sneakin attitude as weel as my lang gaunt body would
permit, I had at least the exorbitant satisfaction o' seein the dear
young woman walkin mournfully alang, unconscious o' the danger that
awaited her. At a little distance from my lurkin place, she stood, as if
she feared there was a snake in the grass; for the anxiety and
solicitude I felt to get a glimpse o' her fair face, forced me to twist
my body into unpleasant contortions, which produced a kind of a rustling
amang the sere-leaves that lay on the ground. Findin a' quiet again, she
seemed to renounce a' fear; though I secretly suspected that she kenned
weel aneugh the cause o' the noise, for I had detected the hinder part
o' my body in a higher state o' elevation than my will or security
warranted, being considerably abune the broom, and, therefore, plainly
in her ee. Keepin my suspicion to mysel, I watched her motions wi' still
greater curiosity and intensity; because, if my suspicions were true
that she kenned I was lyin sneakin there, her conduct, of course,
required frae me a different rule o' construction. At last she sat doon,
quite close to me--a circumstance that satisfied me still mair that she
was aware o' my position, condition, and intentions--for it seemed to be
a kind o' an invitation to me to dart upon her, and secure my prey. She
spoke.
"Noo, this is no usin me quite weel," said she, "no to be here," (a mere
blind, thinks I, to mak me think she doesna ken I'm lyin slouchin at her
very side), "when I had sae muckle to say to him. Though I was shy to
him the last time I saw him, he might hae learned eneugh o' the heart o'
woman to ken that we hae certain arts and wiles, and guiles about us--a
kind o' secret charms--to increase an affection that we think over
languid, and bring it out o' the dead-thraw o' a starved love into the
warm life o' a lively passion. It canna be, that, after sae lang a
period o' lookin, followin, and languishin, he doesna like me. If he
only kenned the condition o' this puir, flutterin, beatin heart, that
fears to listen to its ain timid voice, as if it were treason to
love--how muckle mair wad he prize my sittin here, invitin--wae's my
puir prudence!--thae very attractions I used to flee frae! But woman,
weak woman, is doomed to be the sport o' men, as weel as o' her ain
heart."
It was noo clearly my time to pounce. In fack, the young woman was
invitin me. Up I sprang, like a jungle thief.
"How can you sit there, May," said I, "kennin I was lyin sneakin there
under that broom bush, and yet abusin a faithfu creature for being slow
and languid in his love, when last Sabbath ye flew frae him wi' a' the
pith o' a bitter hatred disgust, and scorn! Languid in _my_ affection!
Is _that_ like languidness?" (Throwing my arms fully around her, so as
to include, if possible, the hail body in my ample embrace.) "Is _that_,
dear May, like love in the dead-thraw? If _that's_ no a sign" (still
pressing her, as she struggled and cried) "o' the warm life o' a lively
passion, as ye ca'd it, I kenna what it is?"
As I thus held her in my impassioned grasp--as firm as a tiger's--she
screamed most inordinately, makin the hail Warlocks' Glen ring frae end
to end, rousin the mawkins on every side, and makin them skip over the
whin bushes as if they had been followed by a pack o' harriers. But I
wasna to be deceived. She had, when I was sneakin under the bush o'
broom, gien me the key to this conduct, in her cunnin monologue. This
was ane o' the arts, wiles, guiles, and secret charms, to increase a
languid affection, and bring it out o' the dead-thraw o' a starved love
into the warm love o' a lively passion. Her words still rung in my
ears, and I was as determined as the very deevil to show her that her
efforts to increase my love were perfectly effectual. I hugged her
closer and closer. Heart, liver, pancreas, a'thegither, as recommended
by my father, were in my embrace. I squeezed the dear creature like a
vice, sae strong was my determination, increased every minute by her
screams, to prove to her entire satisfaction--in fack, to demonstrate,
beyond the possibility of a doubt--that there was nae mair occasion for
her female guile or charm, and that she might rest assured that my
affection could, nae mair than my grasp, be increased in point o'
intensity. But a' wouldna do--her heart seemed to be insatiable. In
addition to my squeezing grasp, I kissed her ruby lips. She cried the
louder and the louder; and--oh! hae I lived to write it?--she actually
spat on the face that was glowin red hot wi' affection for her. Still I
persevered; for I thought that even the _sputum_ might be ane o' her
secret charms. The struggle continued, and her cries increased. She had
recourse to her nails, and I felt the blude streamin doun my cheeks. We
fell on the ground. A man's voice behind me cried--"My love, my love!
knock doun the spoiler!" A tremendous blow on the head took frae me my
senses; and, when I recovered, I was in my ain bed, with my respectit
parents sitting by me, watchin, with the greatest and tenderest care,
the return o' consciousness to their beloved son.