A KIND PROVIDENCE SMILES ON MY PARENT'S SOLICITUDE.
If it hadna been to make certainty doubly sure, my father had nae
occasion to hound after Dr Dennistoun in the way he did, to ascertain
the probability o' the death o' Jedediah Cameron, or ony other mortal
that stood a chance o' needin a bit turf and a kindly clap o' his spade.
His ee was as sure as a cockatrice's. He needed nae howling o' the
moon-baying tyke, nae' death-watch, nae whip-lash on the table, nae
dead-drap, nae dead-shaving at the candle, nae coffin-spark frae the
fire, nae powers o second-sight, dreams, or divinations, to tell him
when he was to hae a guid job. He came to be able to read death in men's
faces, as he could do a printed book. Now, Jedediah Cameron didna
deceive him. Ae day, when I was busy teachin the puir man's scholars, he
came in, and whispered in my ear, that the parish clerk, schoolmaster,
and precentor o' St Fillan's, was dead. I was, at the time, in the very
act o' flogging an urchin wha had disputed my authority. The ferula fell
from my hands; the urchin's rebellion was, I thought, ominous o' the
rejection o' my claims o' succession; but, after a', there's nae oracle
like the presentiments o' a man's ain soul, speaking frae the inspired
tripod that is set owre the hollow-sounding, murmuring gulf o' an empty
stamach; and so the ancient Pythonissa o' Apollo's temple at Delphi,
judiciously took her seat over the abyss called the _umbilicus orbis
terrarum_. Being an honest man, I confess frankly that the first feeling
produced by my father's lively whisper, was a kind o' pleasure,
approaching as near to delight as any sensation I had yet discovered in
my microcosm. But I remembered the seventh verse o' the eighth chapter
o' Ecclesiasticus, directed against rejoicing over the dead; and, upon
the very instant, set vigorously to work, either to expel the delightful
emotion frae my mind, or, at least, to push the sweet rebel off the
cerebral throne--the pineal gland--and plunge him into some o' the deep
ventricles, or dungeons, lying in the lower part of the brain, or ben in
the cerebellum. It was a considerable struggle; but I succeeded to a
perfect miracle--a circumstance I am the more pleased with, as I hate
mortally that abominable cant of the Calvinists, about necessity, as if
a man hadna the whip-hand, direction, and guidance of his own will.
The grave o' Jedediah Cameron was, in due time, dog by my parent--wi'
what feeling, whether o' sorrow or satisfaction, I am not bound to say,
because a sense o' delicacy prevented me frae being present at the
breaking o' the earth; but I consider myself under an obligation to
state, that I never saw my respected parent cover up a mortal body so
cleverly. Lest, however, ony hasty-minded, sanguine individual, should,
from this admission o' mine, suppose that that cleverness, or
nimbleness, had ony connection with the alacrity o' joy, or the morbid
quickness o' a sorrow that wishes to get an unpleasant job out of hands,
I must explain that my father merely wanted--surely a most legitimate
object--to catch as many o' the parochial heritors present at the
funeral as remained on the ground, reading grave-stanes, or laughing and
chatting thegither, after the body was clappit down--with the view o'
securing their votes for me, as the singular successor (to speak as the
lawyers do) to the three vacant offices held by the now dead dominie.
But this is a sair subject--I can scarcely write upon it. My brain
whirls like an old woman's spindle the moment I think on't. Guidness!
what a risk I ran o' losin my three offices by the mere paternal
fondness o' that honest man. Some o' the heritors had remarked the
vivacity and agility o' my parent in throwin in the heavy moil on the
clatterin coffin, wi' mair noise, force, and fervor than was ever used
on an occasion o' the same kind afore; pushin and shovellin great
hillocks o' stanes and banes at a mighty effort, usin his very feet in
the process; sweatin, pechin, stumblin, and producin a noise frae the
coffin lid like distant thunner; and mair, peradventure, resemblin the
risin than the lyin doun o' the dead. The thing couldna be concealed.
My father was excited beyond a' prudence or decent decorum; and, when he
had finished the wark, or rather pretended to finish it--for it was at
best a clumsy business--and, drawin near, wi' the shovel in his hand, to
a knot o' the heritors, standin on a flat gravestane, they asked him,
wi' a significant expression, why he was in sae great a hurry in coverin
up the puir dominie, a laugh rang amang the grave-stanes--a guid answer
to my father's request--that stuck in his throat; and, in place o'
gettin a vote, he hadna the courage to ask ane. The thing deed awa afore
the meetin o' the heritors, an' I was saved frae ruin--an escape for
which I hae offered up many thanks to the Author o' our mercies.
The pleasant duty o' filial love is sae fu' o' artfu' seduction, and
winnin, pauky guile, that it has carried me awa frae my ain merits an'
successes. The first thing I had to do was to keep a guid firm grip o'
the schule, the parish books, and the dominie's desk; for I knew that
possession is nine points o' the law. I got ready my testimonials wi'
the greatest despatch; the mair by token, that some o' them were in a
very forward state before Jedediah Cameron's breath was out. I ca'ed at
the houses o' a' the heritors wha had bairns at the schule, and praised
wi' decent pride the progress they had made under my care--music mair
sweet to their ears than even the Bangor itsel. Meanwhile, I exerted
mysel on the Sabbaths, to sing, wi' the greatest pith and clearness, the
psalm tunes. I kenned the folks were fondest o' such as the Auld Hunder,
Mount Pleasant, and that excellent favourite the Bangor. My execution,
pathos, quavers, semi-quavers, were wonderfu. The parishioners were
astonished, and followin my leadin tenor into the altitudes o' the
highest inspiration, flew awa into the very Elysian fields o'
enthusiastic devotion.
Nae doubt, some o' the auld, cunnin foxes, that never sang a stave
looked at me as if they saw through my drift; but I was far abune their
envy, and was conscious o' the purity o' my heart. In the meantime, my
most excellent and much-respected parent was hawking aboot amang the
heritors my testimonials; and at the next meetin o' the heritors, I was
duly elected parish-clerk, schoolmaster, and precentor o' St Fillan's.
Weel do I recollect that joyfu occasion. Our dinner exceeded far ony
dead-chack I ever saw. My father took a free glass; and, inspired wi'
the generous liquor, made a speech to me as lang as a funeral oration.
"Noo, Gideon," he began, "yer namesake, the son o' Joash got his fortune
read by a dream o' a barley cake that fell frae heaven, as we find i'
the Book o' Judges. Yer barley-cake hath come frae heaven, and the
forces o' Midian are delivered owre to ye. I can do nae mair for ye. I
hae fed ye, clad ye, made ye. In yer mouth I hae put men's lear, in yer
heart God's fear. For yer sake I watched, as the husbandman does the
clouds, for signs o' mortality in the face o' Jedediah Cameron; and the
first symptom o' water I saw in his body, comin atween me and the sun o'
my hope, made a glitterin rainbow in my paternal ee. Muckle do ye owe
me, Gideon; but I'll no be ill to satisfy. I'll be pleased if ye measure
yer gratitude by the size o' that lank, toom wame, whilk I never saw
filled to satisfaction till this blessed day, when ye hauld the three
principal offices o' this parish."