It was a long walk through the wind and blasts of rain, and the country
roads were very dark and wet--not a night for a woman to be out in, much
less a lady used to drive everywhere in her carriage, as he had said,
and less still for one whose strength had been wasted by long
confinement in a sick-room, and whose very life was sapped by secret
pain. But these things, which made it less possible for Mrs. Trevanion
to bear the fatigues to which she was exposed, reacted on the other
side, and made her unconscious of the lesser outside evils which were as
nothing in comparison with the real misery from which no expedient could
set her free. She went along mechanically, conscious of a fatigue and
aching which were almost welcome--which lulled a little the other misery
which lay somewhere awaiting her, waiting for the first moment of
leisure, the time when she should be clear-headed enough to understand
and feel it all to the fullest. When they came into the light at the
nearest railway station the two women were alone. They got into an empty
carriage and placed themselves each in a corner, and, like St. Paul,
wished for day; but yet the night was welcome too, giving their
proceedings an air of something strange and out of all the habits of
their life, which partially, momentarily, confused the every-day aspect
of things around, and made this episode in existence all unnatural and
unreal. It was morning, the dark, grim morning of winter, without light
or color, when Mrs. Trevanion suddenly spoke for the first time. She
said, as if thinking aloud, “It was not to be expected. Why should he,
when he knows so little of me?” as if reasoning with herself.
“No, Madam,” said Jane.
“If he had been like others, accustomed to these restraints--for no
doubt it is a restraint--”
“Oh, yes, Madam.”
“And perhaps with time and use,” she said, sighing and faltering.
“Yes, Madam,” said Jane.
“Why do you say no and yes,” she cried, with sudden vehemence, “as if
you had no opinion of your own?”
Then Jane faltered too. “Madam,” she said, “everything is to be hoped
from--time, as you say, and use--”
“You don’t think so,” her mistress replied, with a moan, and then all
settled into silence again.
It is not supposed that anything save vulgar speed and practical
convenience is to be got from the railway; and yet there is nothing that
affords a better refuge and shelter from the painful thoughts that
attend a great catastrophe in life, and those consultations which an
individual in deep trouble holds with himself, than a long, silent
journey at the desperate pace of an express train over the long, dark
sweeps of the scarcely visible country, with the wind of rapid progress
in one’s face. That complete separation from all disturbance, the din
that partially deadens in our ears the overwhelming commotion of brain
and heart, the protection which is afforded by the roar and sweep of hot
haste which holds us as in a sanctuary of darkness, peace, and solitude,
is a paradox of every-day life which few think of, yet which is grateful
to many. Mrs. Trevanion sank into it with a sensation which was almost
ease. She lay back in her corner, as a creature wounded to death lies
still after the anguish of medical care is ended, throbbing, indeed,
with inevitable pain, yet with all horror of expectation over, and
nothing further asked of the sufferer. If not the anguish, at least the
consciousness of anguish was deadened by the sense that here no one
could demand anything from her, any response, any look, any word. She
lay for a long time dumb even in thought, counting the throbs that went
through her, feeling the sting and smart of every wound, yet a little
eased by the absolute separation between her and everything that could
ask a question or suggest a thought. It is not necessary for us in such
terrible moments to think over our pangs. The sufferer lies piteously
contemplating the misery that holds him, almost glad to be left alone
with it. For the most terrible complications of human suffering there is
no better image still than that with which the ancients portrayed the
anguish of Prometheus on his rock. There he lies, bound and helpless,
bearing evermore the rending of the vulture’s beak, sometimes writhing
in his bonds, uttering hoarsely the moan of his appeal to earth and
heaven, crying out sometimes the horrible cry of an endurance past
enduring, anon lying silent, feeling the dew upon him, hearing soft
voices of pity, comforters that tell him of peace to come, sometimes
softening, sometimes only increasing his misery; but through all
unending, never intermitting, the pain--“pain, ever, forever” of that
torture from which there is no escape. In all its moments of impatience,
in all its succumbings, the calm of anguish which looks like
resignation, the struggle with the unbearable which looks like
resistance, the image is always true. We lie bound and cannot escape. We
listen to what is said about us, the soft consoling of nature, the
voices of the comforters. Great heavenly creatures come and sit around
us, and talk together of the recovery to come; but meanwhile without a
pause the heart quivers and bleeds, the cruel grief tears us without
intermission. “Ah me, alas, pain, ever, forever!”
If ever human soul had occasion for such a consciousness it was this
woman, cut off in a moment from all she loved best--from her children,
from her home, from life itself and honor, and all that makes life dear.
Her good name, the last possession which, shipwrecked in every other,
the soul in ruin and dismay may still derive some miserable satisfaction
from, had to be yielded too. A faint smile came upon her face, the
profoundest expression of suffering, when this thought, like another
laceration, separated itself from the crowd. A little more or less, was
that not a thing to be smiled at? What could it matter? All that could
be done to her was done; her spiritual tormentors had no longer the
power to give her another sensation; she had exhausted all their
tortures. Her good name, and that even in the knowledge of her children!
She smiled. Evil had done its worst. She was henceforward superior to
any torture, as knowing all that pain could do.
There are some minds to which death is not a thought which is possible,
or a way of escape which ever suggests itself. Hamlet, in his musings,
in the sickness of his great soul, passes it indeed in review, but
rejects it as an unworthy and ineffectual expedient. And it is seldom
that a worthy human creature, when not at the outside verge of life, can
afford to die. There is always something to do which keeps every such
possibility in the background. To this thought after a time Mrs.
Trevanion came round. She had a great deal to do; she had still a
duty--a responsibility--was it perhaps a possibility, in life? There
existed for her still one bond, a bond partially severed for long,
apparently dropped out of her existence, yet never forgotten. The brief
dialogue which she had held with Jane had betrayed the condition of her
thoughts in respect to this one relationship which was left to her, as
it betrayed also the judgment of Jane on the subject. Both of these
women knew in their hearts that the young man who was now to be the only
interest of their lives had little in him which corresponded with any
ideal. He had not been kind, he had not been true; he thought of nothing
but himself, and yet he was all that now remained to make, to the woman
upon whom his folly had brought so many and terrible losses, the
possibility of a new life. When she saw the cold glimmer of the dawn,
and heard the beginnings of that sound of London, which stretches so far
round the centre on every side, Mrs. Trevanion awoke again to the living
problem which now was to occupy her wholly. She had been guilty towards
him almost all his life, and she had been punished by his means; but
perhaps it might be that there was still for her a place of repentance.
She had much to do for him, and not a moment to lose. She had the power
to make up to him now for all the neglect of the past. Realizing what he
was, unlike her in thought, in impulse, in wishes, a being who belonged
to her, yet who in heart and soul was none of hers, she rose up from the
terrible vigil of this endless night, to make her life henceforward the
servant of his, its guardian perhaps, its guide perhaps, but in any case
subject to it, as a woman at all times is subject to those for whom she
lives. She spoke again, when they were near their arrival, to her maid,
as if they had continued the subject throughout the night: “He will be
sure to follow us to-morrow night, Jane.”
“I think so, Madam, for he will have nothing else to do.”
“It was natural,” said Mrs. Trevanion, “that he should hesitate to come
off in a moment. Why should he, indeed? There was nothing to break the
shock to him--as there was to us--”
“To break the shock?” Jane murmured, with a look of astonishment.
“You know what I mean,” her mistress said, with a little impatience.
“When things happen like the things that have happened, one does not
think very much of a midnight journey. Ah, what a small matter that is!
But one who has--nothing to speak of on his mind--”
“He ought to have a great deal on his mind,” said Jane.
“Ought! Yes, I suppose I ought to be half dead, and, on the contrary, I
am revived by the night journey. I am able for anything. There is no
ought in such matters--it is according to your strength.”
“You have not slept a wink,” said Jane, in an injured voice.
“There are better things than sleep. And he is young, and has not
learned yet the lesson that I have had such difficulty in learning.”
“What lesson is that?” said Jane, quickly. “If it is to think of
everything and every one’s business, you have been indeed a long time
learning, for you have been at it all your life.”
“It takes a long time to learn,” said Madam, with a smile; “the young do
not take it in so easily. Come, Jane, we are arriving; we must think now
of our new way of living.”
“Madam,” cried Jane, “if there had been an earthquake at Highcourt, and
we had both perished in it trying to save the children--”
“Jane! do you think it is wise when you are in great trouble to fix your
thoughts upon the greatest happiness in the world? To have perished at
Highcourt, you and me, trying--” Her face shone for a moment with a
great radiance. “You are a good woman,” she said, shaking her head, with
a smile, “but why should there be a miracle to save me? It is a miracle
to give me the chance of making up--for what is past.”
“Oh, Madam, I wish I knew what to say to you,” cried Jane; “you will
just try your strength and make yourself miserable, and get no return.”
Mrs. Trevanion laughed with a strange solemnity. She looked before her
into the vacant air, as if looking in the face of fate. What could make
her miserable now? Nothing--the worst that could be done had been done.
She said, but to herself, not to Jane, “There is an advantage in it, it
cannot be done over again.” Then she began to prepare for the arrival.
“We shall have a great deal to do, and we must lose no time. Jane, you
will go at once and provide some clothes for us. Whatever happens, we
must have clothes, and we must have food, you know. The other
things--life can go on without--”
“Madam, for God’s sake, do not smile, it makes my blood run cold.”
“Would you like me to cry, Jane? I might do that, too, but what the
better should we be? If I were to cry all to-day and to-morrow, the
moment would come when I should have to stop and smile again. And then,”
she said, turning hastily upon her faithful follower, “I can’t cry--I
can’t cry!” with a spasm of anguish going over her face. “Besides, we
are just arriving,” she added, after a moment; “we must not call for
remark. You and I, we are two poor women setting out upon the
world--upon a forlorn hope. Yes, that is it--upon a forlorn hope. We
don’t look like heroes, but that is what we are going to do, without any
banners flying, or music, but a good heart, Jane--a good heart!”
With these words, she stepped out upon the crowded pavement at the great
London station. It was a very early hour in the morning, and there were
few people except the travellers and the porters about. They had no
luggage, which was a thing that confused Jane, and made her ashamed to
the bottom of her heart. She answered the questions of the porter with a
confused consciousness of something half disgraceful in their denuded
condition, and gave her bag into his hands with a shrinking and
trembling which made the poor soul, pallid with unaccustomed travelling,
and out of her usual prim order, look like a furtive fugitive. She half
thought the man looked at her as if she were a criminal escaping from
justice. Jane was ashamed: she thought the people in the streets looked
at the cab as it rattled out of the station with suspicion and surprise.
She looked forward to the arrival at the hotel with a kind of horror.
What would people think? Jane felt the real misery of the catastrophe
more than any one except the chief sufferer: she looked forward to the
new life about to begin with dismay; but nevertheless, at this miserable
moment, to come to London without luggage gave her the deepest pang of
all.