The events of the night on which Mrs. Trevanion left Highcourt had at
this period of the family story fallen into that softened oblivion which
covers the profoundest scars of the heart after a certain passage of
time, except sometimes to the chief actor in such scenes, who naturally
takes a longer period to forget.
She on whom the blow had fallen at a moment when she was unprepared for
it, when a faint sense of security had begun to steal over her in spite
of herself, had received it _en plein cœur_, as the French say. We have
no word which expresses so well the unexpected, unmitigated shock. She
had said to herself, like the captive king in the Bible, that the
bitterness of death was past, and had gone, like that poor prince,
“delicately,” with undefended bosom, and heart hushed out of its first
alarms, to meet her fate. The blow had gone through her very flesh,
rending every delicate tissue before she had time to think. It does not
even seem a metaphor to say that it broke her heart, or, rather, cut the
tender structure sheer in two, leaving it bleeding, quivering, in her
bosom. She was not a woman to faint or die at a stroke. She took the
torture silently, without being vanquished by it. When nature is strong
within us, and the force of life great, there is no pang spared. And
while in one sense it was true that for the moment she expected nothing,
the instantly following sensation in Madam’s mind was that she had known
all along what was going to happen to her, and that it had never been
but certain that this must come. Even the details of the scene seemed
familiar. She had always known that some time or other these men would
look at her so, would say just those words to her, and that she would
stand and bear it all, a victim appointed from the beginning. In the
greater miseries of life it happens often that the catastrophe, however
unexpected, bears, when it comes, a familiar air, as of a thing which
has been mysteriously rehearsed in our consciousness all our lives.
After the first shock, her mind sprang with a bound to those immediate
attempts to find a way of existence on the other side of the impossible,
which was the first impulse of the vigorous soul. She said little even
to Jane until the dreary afternoon was over, the dinner, with its
horrible formulas, and she had said what was really her farewell to
everything at Highcourt. Then, when the time approached for the meeting
in the park, she began to prepare for going out with a solemnity which
startled her faithful attendant. She took from her desk a sum which she
had kept in reserve (who can tell for what possibility?), and dressed
herself carefully, not in her new mourning, with all its crape, but in
simple black from head to foot. She always had worn a great deal of
black lace; it had been her favorite costume always. She enveloped
herself in a great veil which would have fallen almost to her feet had
it been unfolded, doing everything for herself, seeking the things she
wanted in her drawers with a silent diligence which Jane watched with
consternation. At last the maid could restrain herself no longer.
“Am I to do nothing for you?” she cried, with anguish. “And, oh! where
are you going? What are you doing? There’s something more than I
thought.”
“You are to do everything for me, Jane,” her mistress said, with a
pathetic smile. “You are to be my sole companion all the rest of my
life--unless, if it is not too late, that poor boy.”
“Madam,” Jane said, putting her hand to her heart with a natural tragic
movement, “you are not going to desert--the children? Oh, no! you are
not thinking of leaving the children?”
Her mistress put her hands upon Jane’s shoulders, clutching her, and
gave vent to a low laugh more terrible than any cry. “It is more
wonderful than that--more wonderful--more, ah, more ridiculous. Don’t
cry. I can’t bear it. They have sent me away. Their father--has sent me
away!”
“Madam!” Jane’s shriek would have rung through the house had it not been
for Madam’s imperative gesture and the hand she placed upon her mouth.
“Not a word! Not a word! I have not told you before, for I cannot bear a
word. It is true, and nothing can be done. Dress yourself now, and put
what we want for the night in your bag. I will take nothing. Oh, that is
a small matter, a very small matter, to provide all that will be wanted
for two poor women. Do you remember, Jane, how we came here?”
“Oh, well, well, Madam. You a beautiful bride, and nothing too much for
you, nothing good enough for you.”
“Yes, Jane; but leaving my duty behind me. And now it is repaid.”
“Oh, Madam, Madam! He was too young to know the loss; and it was for his
own sake. And besides, if that were all, it’s long, long ago--long, long
ago.”
Mrs. Trevanion’s hands dropped by her side. She turned away with another
faint laugh of tragic mockery. “It is long, long ago; long enough to
change everything. Ah, not so long ago but that he remembers it, Jane.
And now the time is come when I am free, if I can, to make it up. I have
always wondered if the time would ever come when I could try to make it
up.”
“Madam, you have never failed to him, except in not having him with
you.”
“Except in all that was my duty, Jane. He has known no home, no care, no
love. Perhaps now, if it should not be too late--”
And then she resumed her preparations with that concentrated calm of
despair which sometimes apes ordinary composure so well as to deceive
the lookers-on. Jane could not understand what was her lady’s meaning.
She followed her about with anxious looks, doing nothing on her own part
to aid, paralyzed by the extraordinary suggestion. Madam was fully
equipped before Jane had stirred, except to follow wistfully every step
Mrs. Trevanion took.
“Are you not coming?” she said at length. “Am I to go alone? For the
first time in our lives do you mean to desert me, Jane?”
“Madam,” cried the woman, “it cannot be--it cannot be! You must be
dreaming; we cannot go without the children.” She stood wringing her
hands, beyond all capacity of comprehension, thinking her mistress mad
or criminal, or under some great delusion--she could not tell which.
Mrs. Trevanion looked at her with strained eyes that were past tears.
“Why,” she said, “why--did you not say so seventeen years ago, Jane?”
“Oh, Madam,” cried Jane, seizing her mistress by the hands, “don’t do it
another time! They are all so young, they want you. It can’t do them any
good, but only harm, if you go away. Oh, Madam, listen to me that loves
you. Who have I but you in the world? But don’t leave them. Oh, don’t we
both know the misery it brings? You may be doing it thinking it will
make up. But God don’t ask these kind of sacrifices,” she cried, the
tears running down her cheeks. “_He_ don’t ask it. He says, mind your
duty now, whatever’s been done in the past. Don’t try to be making up
for it, the Lord says, Madam; but just do your duty now; it’s all that
we can do.”
Mrs. Trevanion listened to this address, which was made with streaming
eyes and a face quivering with emotion, in silence. She kept her eyes
fixed on Jane’s face as if the sight of the tears was a refreshment to
her parched soul. Her own eyes were dry, with that smile in them which
answers at some moments in place of weeping.
“You cut me to the heart,” she said, “every word. Oh, but I am not
offering God any vain sacrifices, thinking to atone. He has taken it
into his own hand. Life repeats itself, though we never think so. What I
did once for my own will God makes me do over again not of my own will.
He has his meaning clear through all, but I don’t know what it is, I
cannot fathom it.” She said this quickly, with the settled quietness of
despair. Then, the lines of her countenance melting, her eyes lit up
with a forlorn entreaty, as she touched Jane on the shoulder, and asked,
“Are you coming? You will not let me go alone--”
“Oh, Madam, wherever you go--wherever you go! I have never done anything
but follow you. I can neither live nor die without you,” Jane answered,
hurriedly; and then, turning away, tied on her bonnet with trembling
hands. Madam had done everything else; she had left nothing for Jane to
provide. They went out together, no longer alarmed to be seen--two dark
figures, hurrying down the great stairs. But the languor that follows
excitement had got into the house: there were no watchers about; the
whole place seemed deserted. She, who that morning had been the mistress
of Highcourt, went out of the home of so many years without a soul to
mark her going or bid her good-speed. But the anguish of the parting was
far too great to leave room for any thought of the details. They stepped
out into the night, into the dark, to the sobbing of the wind and the
wildly blowing trees. The storm outside gave them a little relief from
that which was within.
Madam went swiftly, softly along, with that power of putting aside the
overwhelming consciousness of wretchedness which is possessed by those
whose appointed measure of misery is the largest in this world. To die
then would have been best, but not to be helpless and encounter the pity
of those who could give no aid. She had the power not to think, to
address herself to what was before her, and hold back “upon the
threshold of the mind” the supreme anguish of which she could never be
free, which there would be time enough, alas! and to spare, to indulge
in. Perhaps, though she knew so much and was so experienced in pain, it
did not occur to her at this terrible crisis of life to think it
possible that any further pang might be awaiting her. The other, who
waited for her within shade of the copse, drew back when he perceived
that two people were coming towards him. He scarcely responded even when
Mrs. Trevanion called him in a low voice by name. “Whom have you got
with you?” he said, almost in a whisper, holding himself concealed among
the trees.
“Only Jane.”
“Only Jane,” he said, in a tone of relief, but still with a roughness
and sullenness out of keeping with his youthful voice. He added, after a
moment, “What does Jane want? I hope there is not going to be any
sentimental leave-taking. I want to stay and not to go.”
“That is impossible now. Everything is altered. I am going with you,
Edmund.”
“Going with me--good Lord!” There was a moment’s silence; then he
resumed in a tone of satire, “What may that be for? Going with _me_! Do
you think I can’t take care of myself? Do you think I want a nurse at my
heels?” Then another pause. “I know what you mean. You are going away
for a change, and you mean me to turn up easily and be introduced to the
family? Not a bad idea at all,” he added, in a patronizing tone.
“Edmund,” she said, “afterwards, when we have time, I will tell you
everything. There is no time now; but that has come about which I
thought impossible. I am--free to make up to you as much as I can, for
the past--”
“Free,” he repeated, with astonishment, “to make up to me?” The pause
that followed seemed one of consternation. Then he went on roughly, “I
don’t know what you mean by making up to me. I have often heard that
women couldn’t reason. You don’t mean that you are flinging over the
others now, to make a romance--and balance matters? I don’t know what
you mean.”
Madam Trevanion grasped Jane’s arm and leaned upon it with what seemed a
sudden collapse of strength, but this was invisible to the other, who
probably was unaware of any effect produced by what he said. Her voice
came afterwards through the dark with a thrill in it that seemed to move
the air, something more penetrating than the wind.
“I have no time to explain,” she said. “I must husband my strength,
which has been much tried. I am going with you to London to-night. We
have a long walk before we reach the train. On the way, or afterwards,
as my strength serves me, I will tell you--all that has happened. What I
am doing,” she added, faintly, “is by no will of mine.”
“To London to-night?” he repeated, with astonishment. “I am not going to
London to-night.”
“Yes, Edmund, with me. I want you.”
“I have wanted,” he said, “you--or, at least, I have wanted my proper
place and the people I belonged to, all my life. If you think that now,
when I am a man, I am to be burdened with two women always at my
heels-- Why can’t you stay and make everything comfortable here? I want
my rights, but I don’t want you--more than is reasonable,” he added
after a moment, slightly struck by his own ungraciousness. “As for
walking to the train, and going to London to-night--you, a fine lady,
that have always driven about in your carriage!” He gave a hoarse little
laugh at the ridiculous suggestion.
Mrs. Trevanion again clutched Jane’s arm. It was the only outlet for her
excitement. She said very low, “I should not have expected better--oh,
no; how could he know better, after all! But I must go, there is no
choice. Edmund, if anything I can do now can blot out the past--no, not
that--but make up for it. You too, you have been very tyrannical to me
these months past. Hush! let me speak, it is quite true. If you could
have had patience, all might have been so different. Let us not upbraid
each other--but if you will let me, all that I can do for you now--all
that is possible--”
There was another pause. Jane, standing behind, supported her mistress
in her outstretched arms, but this was not apparent, nor any other sign
of weakness, except that her voice quivered upon the dark air which was
still in the shadow of the copse.
“I have told you,” he said, “again and again, what would please me. We
can’t be much devoted to each other, can we, after all! We can’t be a
model of what’s affectionate. That was all very well when I was a child,
when I thought a present was just as good, or better. But now I know
what is what, and that something more is wanted. Why can’t you stay
still where you are and send for me? You can say I’m a relation. I don’t
want you to sacrifice yourself--what good will that do me? I want to get
the advantage of my relations, to know them all, and have my chance.
There’s one thing I’ve set my heart upon, and you could help me in that
if you liked. But to run away, good Lord! what good would that do? It’s
all for effect, I suppose, to make me think you are willing now to do a
deal for me. You can do a deal for me if you like, but it will be by
staying, not by running away.”
“Jane,” said Mrs. Trevanion, “he does not understand me; how should he?
you did not understand me at first. It is not that he means anything.
And how can I tell him?--not here, I am not able. After, when we are far
away, when I am out of reach, when I have got a little--strength--”
“Madam!” said Jane, “if it is true, if you have to do it, if we must go
to-night, don’t stand and waste all the little strength you have got
standing here.”
He listened to this conversation with impatience, yet with a growing
sense that something lay beneath which would confound his hopes. He was
not sympathetic with her trouble. How could he have been so? Had not her
ways been contrary to his all his life? But a vague dread crept over
him. He had thought himself near the object of his hopes, and now
disappointment seemed to overshadow him. He looked angrily, with
vexation and gathering dismay, at the dark figures of the two women, one
leaning against the other. What did she mean now? How was she going to
baffle him this time--she who had been contrary to him all his life?