You may boast your great improvements,
Your inventions and your "movements,"
For those who stay at home, and those who travel;
But arrangements for the latter
Are so complex, that the matter
Makes them dotty as a hatter
To unravel.
There was once an ancient lady
Whom we knew as Miss O'Grady,
Who was asked to spend the autumn down at Trew.
So in fear and trepidation
She sought out her destination,
And betook her to the station--
Waterloo.
She took her little ticket
And she did not fail to stick it
With half-a-dozen coppers in her glove.
Another moment found her
With a plenty to astound her--
For she'd notice-boards all round her,
And above!
So she studied every number
On those sign-posts that encumber
All the station; and she learned them one by one;
But she found the indication
Of the platforms of the station
Not much use as information
When she'd done.
In her shocking state of fluster
Little courage could she muster,
Yet of porters she accosted one or two;
But, too shy to claim attention,
And too full of apprehension,
She could get no one to mention
"Which for Trew."
So she trudged through every station--
"North," "South," "Main,"--in quick rotation,
And then she gave a trial to the "Loop";
Like some hapless new Pandora
She sat down a-gasping for a
Little hope to live on--or a
Plate o' soup.
* * * * *
'Mid the bustle and the hissing
An old maiden lady's "Missing"--
In some corner of the complicated maze;
And round about she's gliding
In unwilling, hideous hiding,
On the platform, loop, or siding,
In a craze.
And still they cannot find her,
For she leaves no trace behind her
At Vauxhall, Clapham Junction, Waterloo;
But she passes like a comet
With the myst'ry of Mahomet--
Her course unknown--and from it
Not a clue!
* * * * *
[Illustration: MOST OFFENSIVE
_Railway Porter._ "If you please, sir, was this your'n?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A RAILWAY COLLUSION--A HINT TO STATION-MASTERS
_Porter._ "Now, then, Bill! are you off?"
_Cab Ruffian._ "No; what sort of fare is it?"
_Porter._ "Single gent, with small bag."
_Ruffian._ "Oh, _he_ won't do! Can't yer find us a old lady and two
little gals with lots o' boxes? I'm good for a pint!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: CHANGELINGS; OR, A STORY WITHOUT (POLITE) WORDS.
"Them's the only dogs as come by this train, sir. The guard says as 'ow
there was three sportin' dogs, as 'ad ate their label off, wot's gone on
by the Scotch Express."]
* * * * *
RATHER 'CUTE.--_Small but Sharp Passenger._ "Look here! You didn't give
me the right change just now!"
_Clerk._ "Too late, sir! You should have spoken when you took your
ticket!"
_Passenger._ "_Should_ I? Well, it's of no consequence to me; but you
gave me half-a-sovereign too much! Ta-ta!" _[Exit._
* * * * *
[Illustration: