_As Played Daily on the Principal Lines_
_Turning Business into Pleasure._--Take a traveller pressed for time,
and induce him to enter a train supposed to be in correspondence with
another train belonging to another line, and by which other train the
traveller proposes to proceed to his destination. As the first train
arrives at the junction, start off the second train _en route_ for Town.
The dismay of the traveller when he finds his journey interrupted will
be, to say the least, most mirth-moving.
_The Panic-stricken Passengers._--Allow an express train to arrive at
the station of a rival company two hours behind its time. The travellers
will, of course, be anxious to learn the cause of the delay, and will
(again of course) receive no sort of information on the subject from
the servants of the rival company. Should there be any nervous ladies in
the train, the fun will become fast and furious.
_A Lark in the Dark._--Start a train ten minutes late, and gradually
lose time until it arrives in the middle of a long tunnel, and then stop
the engine. Stay where you are for half an hour, whistling and letting
off steam every now and then, to increase the excitement. Should it be
known in the train that an express is due on the line of rails already
occupied by the carriages, the humour of the situation will be greatly
improved. Before playing this joke, it will be as well to lock the
carriage-doors, and to carefully sever the cord of communication
existing (on some lines) between the passengers and the guard.
_A Comical Meal._--On a long journey promise that the train shall stop
at a stated station ten minutes for refreshments. Lose time in the
customary manner, and allow the train to arrive at the stated station
half an hour late. Permit the passengers to descend and to enter the
refreshment-rooms. The moment they are served, drive them back hurriedly
into the carriages with the threat that if they are not immediately
seated in their places they will be left behind. When the passengers are
once more in their compartments, the carriage-doors should be securely
locked, and the train can then remain waiting beside the platform for
three-quarters of an hour.
_The Strange Companions._--Invite ladies and gentlemen to travel in a
first-class carriage. When the compartment is a third full, over-fill it
with "merry" excursionists holding third-class tickets. The contrast
between the "merriment" of the excursionists and the disgust of the
ladies and gentlemen will be found a source of never-ending amusement.
_A Wholesome Joke (added by Mr. Punch and suggested to the
Passengers)._--Whenever you find yourselves subjected to the "fun" of
the railway officials, write to the newspapers and obtain a summons
against the directors of the company which you believe to be in fault.
_Verb. sap._
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Half third return to Brixton, please."
"Half! What's your age?"
"I'm thirteen at home; but I'm only nine and a half on railways."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Friend (to minor rail official at provincial station)_
"'Ullo Cocky, where 'ave you been all this time?"
_Minor R.O. (with dignity)._ "Oh I had to go up on duty for the Naval
Review at Spit'ead, I 'ad."
_Friend (impressed)._ "Ah! Fine sight I expect it wur?" _Minor R.O._
"Well, I can't say as I _saw much of it. I war taking the tickets at
Vaux'all!"_]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AN EXCITING TIME
Poor Jones is convinced that his worst fears are at last realised, and
he is left alone with a _dangerous lunatic!!_ (It was only little
Wobbles running anxiously over the points of his coming speech to the
electors of Plumpwell-on-Tyme!!)]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN
SCENE--_A third-class carriage._ TIME--_Three hours before the next
station._ DRAMATIS PERSONAE--_Jones and Robinson._
"It's the _last!_--and it's a Taendstickor. It'll only strike on the
box!"
"Strike it on the box, then;--but for Heaven's sake, be careful!"
"Yes; but, like a fool, I've just pitched the box out of window!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "WHAT'S SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c.
_Passenger (in second class)._ "I think I've got into the wrong
carriage."
_Ticket Inspector (sternly)._ "The difference must be paid!"
_Passenger (triumphantly)._ "Oh, just so! Then I'll trouble you for
three shillings--I've a first-class ticket!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A REMINDER
_Old Lady._ "Now, porter, you're quite sure you've put all my luggage
in?--the big portmantle and----"
_Porter._ "All right, mum."
_Old Lady._ "And you're certain I've not left anything behind----"
_Porter._ "No, mum, not even a copper!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: NOTES OF TRAVEL
_The Cunard "Special" full speed for London_
_John Bull (of the World in general)._ "There is nothing to be alarmed
at. Surely your American trains go much faster than this?"
_Jonathan (from the West in particular)._ "Why, yaas. But 'tain't that.
I'm afeard it'll run off your darned little island!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Impatient Traveller._ "Er--how long will the next train
be, portah?"
_Porter._ "Heaw long? Weel, sir ah dunno heaw ah con saay to hauf an
inch. Happen there'll be fower or five co-aches an' a engine or soa."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE LEVEL CROSSING
"Are there no more trains this evening on the up line, porter?"
"No, mum."
"And no more trains on the down line?"
"No, mum."
"Is there no _special_ train?"
"No, mum."
"Nor an _excursion_ train?"
"No, mum. The gates are to for the rest of the evening."
"You're quite sure?"
"Yes, mum."
"Then come, Amelia. We can cross the line!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Old Maid._ "Is this a smoking compartment, young man?"
_Obliging Passenger._ "No, mum. 'Igher up!"]
* * * * *