CHARACTERS: Sir Anthony Absolute; Captain Absolute.
SCENE: The North Parade. Captain Absolute has discovered that the
lady whom his father so peremptorily commanded him to marry is none
other than Lydia Languish with whom he, under the name of Beverley,
was plotting an elopement.
_Enter_ CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE
CAPT. A. 'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed!--Whimsical enough, 'faith! My
father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run
away with! He must not know of my connection with her yet awhile. He has
too summary a method of proceeding in these matters; however, I'll read
my recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed; but
I can assure him, it is very sincere.--So, so, here he comes. He looks
plaguy gruff! [_Steps aside_.
_Enter_ SIR ANTHONY
SIR A. No--I'll die sooner than forgive him! Die, did I say? I'll live
these fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had
almost put me out of temper--an obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy!
This is my return for putting him, at twelve years old, into a marching
regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever
since! But I have done with him--he's anybody's son for me--I never will
see him more--never--never--never--never.
CAPT. A. Now for a penitential face! [_Comes forward_.
SIR A. Fellow, get out of my way!
CAPT. A. Sir, you see a penitent before you.
SIR A. I see an impudent scoundrel before me.
CAPT. A. A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error,
and to submit entirely to your will.
SIR A. What's that?
CAPT. A. I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your
past goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me.
SIR A. Well, sir?
CAPT. A. I have been likewise weighing and balancing, what you were
pleased to mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority.
SIR A. Why, now you talk sense, absolute sense; I never heard anything
more sensible in my life. Confound you, you shall be Jack again!
CAPT. A. I am happy in the appellation.
SIR A. Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady
really is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow,
prevented me telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and
rapture--prepare! What think you of Miss Lydia Languish?
CAPT. A. Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire?
SIR A. Worcestershire! No! Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop, and her
niece, Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were
last ordered to your regiment?
CAPT. A. Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the
name before. Yet, stay: I think I do recollect something. Languish,
Languish! She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl?
SIR A. Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds, no!
CAPT. A. Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person.
SIR A. Jack, Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen?
CAPT. A. As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent: if I can please you in
the matter, 'tis all I desire.
SIR A. Nay, but, Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so
bashfully irresolute! Not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought
of love! Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at
the insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! Oh, Jack,
lips, smiling at their own discretion! and, if not smiling, more sweetly
pouting, more lovely in sullenness! Then, Jack, her neck! Oh! Jack!
Jack!
CAPT. A. And which is to be mine, sir; the niece, or the aunt?
SIR A. Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was
of your age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket!
The aunt, indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would
not have touched anything old or ugly to gain an empire.
CAPT. A. Not to please your father, sir?
SIR A. To please my father--zounds! not to please--Oh! my father? Oddso!
yes, yes! if my father, indeed, had desired--that's quite another
matter. Though he wasn't the indulgent father that I am, Jack.
CAPT. A. I dare say not, sir.
SIR A. But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so
beautiful?
CAPT. A. Sir, I repeat it, if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I
desire. Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir,
if you please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or
two, one eye, and a few more graces of that kind. Now, without being
very nice, I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual
number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back; and though one eye may
be very agreeable, yet, as the prejudice has always run in favor of two,
I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article.
SIR A. What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you are an anchorite! a
vile, insensible stock! You a soldier! you're a walking block, fit only
to dust the company's regimentals on! Odds life, I've a great mind to
marry the girl myself!
CAPT. A. I am entirely at your disposal, sir; if you should think of
addressing Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the
aunt; or if you should change your mind, and take the old lady, 'tis the
same to me--I'll marry the niece.
SIR A. Upon my word, Jack, thou art either a very great hypocrite,
or--but, come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a
lie--I'm sure it must. Come, now, off with your demure face; come,
confess, Jack, you have been lying, ha'nt you? You have been playing the
hypocrite, hey? I'll never forgive you, if you ha'nt been lying and
playing the hypocrite.
CAPT. A. I am sorry, sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you,
should be so mistaken.
SIR A. Hang your respect and duty! But come along with me. I'll write a
note to Mrs. Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her eyes
shall be the Promethean torch to you; come along, I'll never forgive
you, if you don't come back stark mad with rapture and impatience; if
you don't, 'egad, I'll marry the girl myself! [_Exeunt._