CHARACTERS: Sir Anthony Absolute; Captain Absolute, his son.
SCENE: Captain Absolute's lodgings.
_Enter_ SIR ANTHONY _and_ CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE
CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. Sir, I am delighted to see you here, and looking so
well! Your sudden arrival at Bath made me apprehensive for your health.
SIR ANTHONY. Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack. What, you are
recruiting here, hey?
CAPT. A. Yes, sir; I am on duty.
SIR A. Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it; for
I was going to write to you on a little matter of business. Jack, I have
been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not
trouble you long.
CAPT. A. Pardon me, sir, I never saw you look more strong and hearty;
and I pray fervently that you may continue so.
SIR A. I hope your prayers may be heard, with all my heart. Well, then,
Jack, I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty, I may
continue to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the
income of your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but
a small pittance for a lad of your spirit.
CAPT. A. Sir, you are very good.
SIR A. And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some
figure in the world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a
noble independence.
CAPT. A. Sir, your kindness overpowers me. Such generosity makes the
gratitude of reason more lively than the sensations even of filial
affection.
SIR A. I am glad you are so sensible of my attention; and you shall be
master of a large estate in a few weeks.
CAPT. A. Let my future life, sir, speak my gratitude. I cannot express
the sense I have of your munificence. Yet, sir, I presume you would not
wish me to quit the army.
SIR A. Oh, that shall be as your wife chooses.
CAPT. A. My wife, sir!
SIR A. Aye, aye, settle that between you--settle that between you.
CAPT. A. A wife, sir, did you say?
SIR A. Aye, a wife--why, did not I mention her before?
CAPT. A. Not a word of her, sir.
SIR A. Upon my word, I mustn't forget her, though! Yes, Jack, the
independence I was talking of is by a marriage,--the fortune is saddled
with a wife; but I suppose that makes no difference?
CAPT. A. Sir, sir, you amaze me!
SIR A. What's the matter? Just now you were all gratitude and duty.
CAPT. A. I was, sir; you talked to me of independence and a fortune, but
not one word of a wife.
SIR A. Why, what difference does that make? Sir, if you have the estate,
you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands.
CAPT. A. If my happiness is to be the price, I must beg leave to decline
the purchase. Pray, sir, who is the lady?
SIR A. What's that to you, sir? Come, give me your promise to love, and
to marry her directly.
CAPT. A. Sure, sir, that's not very reasonable, to summon my affections
for a lady I know nothing of!
SIR A. I am sure, sir, 'tis more unreasonable in you to object to a lady
you know nothing of.
CAPT. A. You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that on
this point I cannot obey you.
SIR A. Hark you, Jack! I have heard you for some time with patience; I
have been cool--quite cool; but take care; you know I am compliance
itself, when I am not thwarted; no one more easily led--when I have my
own way; but don't put me in a frenzy.
CAPT. A. Sir, I must repeat it; in this I cannot obey you.
SIR A. Now, shoot me, if ever I call you Jack again while I live!
CAPT. A. Nay, sir, but hear me.
SIR A. Sir, I won't hear a word--not a word!--not one word! So, give me
your promise by a nod; and I'll tell you what, Jack,--I mean, you
dog,--if you don't--
CAPT. A. What, sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness;
to--
SIR A. Sir, the lady shall be as ugly as I choose; she shall have a lump
on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the crescent; her one eye
shall roll like the bull's in Cox's mu-se-um; she shall have a skin like
a mummy, and the beard of a Jew; she shall be all this, sir! yet I'll
make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her
beauty!
CAPT. A. This is reason and moderation, indeed!
SIR A. None of your sneering, puppy!--no grinning, jackanapes!
CAPT. A. Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humor for mirth in my life.
SIR A. 'Tis false, sir! I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know
you'll grin when I am gone, sir!
CAPT. A. Sir, I hope I know my duty better.
SIR A. None of your passion, sir! none of your violence, if you please!
It won't do with me, I promise you.
CAPT. A. Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life.
SIR A. I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know you are, you
hypocritical young dog! But it won't do!
CAPT. A. Nay, sir, upon my word--
SIR A. So, you will fly out? Can't you be cool, like me? What good can
passion do? Passion is of no service, you impudent, insolent,
overbearing reprobate! There, you sneer again! Don't provoke me! But you
rely upon the mildness of my temper, you do, you dog! You play upon the
meekness of my disposition! Yet take care; the patience of a saint may
be overcome at last! But, mark! I give you six hours and a half to
consider of this: if you then agree, without any condition, to do
everything on earth that I choose, why, I may, in time, forgive you. If
not, don't enter the same hemisphere with me; don't dare to breathe the
same air, or use the same light, with me; but get an atmosphere and a
sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission; I'll lodge a
five-and-threepence in the hands of trustees, and you shall live on the
interest! I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you! I'll never call you Jack
again! [_Exit_.
CAPT. A. Mild, gentle, considerate father! I kiss your hand.