the earth and most of the way back, "I started out, alone, unaided,
without friends to help me along, with the intention of making the
world pay me the living that it owes me. My only allies were a dollar
bill and a determination to make a million more. Today (and he threw
out his chest proudly) I still have the determination and fifty cents
in change."
When hope seems dim
And the worst's in sight,
When you've lost your vim,
Just hang on tight;
Give blow for a blow,
And don't give in,
Till you've let 'em all know
That you tried to win.
DIAGNOSIS
FRIEND--"What is the first thing you do when a man presents himself to
you for consultation?"
DOCTOR--"I ask him if he has a car."
FRIEND--"What do you learn from that?"
DOCTOR--"If he has one, I know he is wealthy--and if he hasn't, I know
he is healthy."
Starting with a wonderful burst of oratory, the great evangelist had,
after two hours' steady preaching, become rather hoarse.
A little boy's mother in the congregation whispered to her son, "Isn't
it wonderful? What do you think of him?"
"He needs a new needle," returned the boy sleepily.
The telephone rang and the bookkeeper answered it.
"Yes, madam, this is Wilkins's market."
"This is Mrs. Blank. I want you to know that the liver you sent me is
most unsatisfactory. It is not calf's liver at all; calf's liver is
tender and----"
"Just a moment, madam, and I'll call the proprietor."
"What is it?" Wilkins asked.
The bookkeeper surrendered the phone.
"Mrs. Blank," he said. "Liver Complaint."
Axel, a Swede in an outfit at Fort Jay, woke up one morning with a
desire to loaf. He got put on sick-call, thinking it was worth trying,
anyway. At the dispensary the "doc." looked him over, felt his pulse,
and took his temperature. Then he said:
"I can't find anything wrong with you."
No answer.
"See here, what's wrong with you anyway?"
"Doc," replied Axel. "That bane your yob."
"Some un sick at yo' house, Mis' Carter?" inquired Lila. "Ah seed de
doctah's kyar eroun 'dar yestiddy."
"It was for my brother, Lila."
"Sho! What's he done got de matter of'm?"
"Nobody seems to know what the disease is. He can eat and sleep as
well as ever, he stays out all day long on the veranda in the sun, and
seems as well as any one; but he can't do any work at all."
"Law, Mis' Carter, dat ain't no disease what you brothe' got! Dat's a
gif!"--_Everybody's_.
DILEMMAS
The house doctor of a Cincinnati theater sometimes tires of his
office; hence the following:
One evening an excited usher rushed to the doctor's seat and whispered
a brief message. The occupant rose at once and both men left the
orchestra hastily and made for the dressing-rooms.
"It's the leading lady," wailed one of the actresses, meeting them;
"come this way."
"Have you poured water on her head?" inquired the doctor, solemnly.
"Yes, from the fire-bucket."
"The fire bucket!--what a fearful blunder! Here," and he scribbled a
line on a card, "take this to the drug-store and get it filled."
When the leading lady found herself alone with the doctor, she opened
her eyes.
"Doctor," she gasped, "you're a good fellow, aren't you? I know you
are aware that there's nothing the matter with me. I want a day off,
and I don't want to go on in this act. Can you fix it?"
"You bet I can," said the doctor, wringing her hand, sympathetically.
"I ain't no doctor. I came in on this ticket."
A lady's leather handbag was left in my car while parked on Park
avenue two weeks ago. Owner can have same by calling at my office,
proving the property and paying for this ad. If she will explain to my
wife that I had nothing to do with its being there, I will pay for the
ad.
"Mamma, if a bear should swallow me, I should die, shouldn't I?"
"Yes, dear."
"And should I go to heaven?"
"Yes, dear. Why do you ask that question?"
"And would the bear have to go too?"
A new regulation in a certain coal-mine required that each man mark
with chalk the number on every car of coal mined.
One man named Ole, having filled the eleventh car, marked it with a
number one and, after pondering a while, let it go at that.
Another miner, happening to notice what he thought was a mistake,
called Ole's attention to the fact that he had marked the car number
one instead of eleven.
"Yes, I know," said Ole; "but I can't tank which side de odder wan go
on."
Dinah Snow was a colored cook in the home of the Smiths. One morning
on going to the kitchen Mrs. Smith noticed that Dinah looked as if she
had been tangled up with a road-roller.
"Why, Dinah!" exclaimed she, "what in the world has happened to you?"
"Was me husban,'" explained Dinah. "He done went an' beat me ag'in,
an' jes' fo' nothin', too!"
"Again!" cried Mrs. Smith, with increasing wonder. "Is he in the habit
of beating you? Why don't you have him arrested?"
"Been thinkin' ob it several times, missy," was the rejoinder of
Dinah, "but I hain't nebah had no money to pay his fine."
"Yes," said the storekeeper, "I want a good, bright boy to be partly
indoors and partly outdoors."
"That's all right," said the applicant, "but what becomes of me when
the door slams shut?"--_Judge_.
DINING
_Nocturne_
The hour grows late,
And hungrily I wait
To hear her say
Three words--three little words,
Yet great
Enough to bring completeness to the day.
At last she comes,
Cassandra tall and dark--
Oh, very dark! A careless tune she hums,
And pauses shamelessly to mark
How her delay has angered or unnerved
The weak among us. Then she snuffles--Hark!
_"Dinnah am served!"_
--E.W.B.
"Has Bobbie been eating between meals?"
"Bobbie has no between meals."--_Life_.
A farmer who went to a large city to see the sights engaged a room
at a hotel, and before retiring asked the clerk about the hours for
dining.
"We have breakfast from six to eleven, dinner from eleven to three,
and supper from three to eight," explained the clerk.
"Wa-al, say," inquired the farmer in surprise, "what time air I goin'
ter git ter see the town?"
"Mama, I want a dark breakfast."
"Dark breakfast? What do you mean, child?"
"Why, last night you told Mary to give me a light supper, and I didn't
like it."
MOTHER (at the breakfast-table)--"You always ought to use your napkin,
Georgie."
GEORGIE--"I am usin' it, mother; I've got the dog tied to the leg of
the table with it."
DIPLOMACY
"Father," said the small boy, "what is an overt act?"
"My son, an overt act is something that either compels you to be so
rude as to fight or so polite as to pretend you didn't notice it."
"Now, sir," said the persuasive philanthropist, "we want you to be the
chairman of the big meeting which we are to hold."
"How much?" inquired Mr. Cassius Chex, wearily.
"I don't quite follow you."
"How much is the deficit that you expect my subscription to meet?"
Uncle Mose owns and operates an "exclusive shoe-shining parlor" in
a little Northwestern town, and, as customers are rather scarce
thereabouts, he can't afford to offend any of them. But his "parlor"
has to be run on a strict cash basis. So when a man a little too well
known to Uncle Mose as "slow pay" about town came in to have his shoes
shined and suggested to the old negro a desire to pay at a later date,
Uncle Mose did some quick thinking.
"I'se sorry, boss; I sure is," he replied with diplomatic suavity;
"but I jes' cain't do it. You see, de banker on de nex' cohner an'
me--we done made a 'greement dat ef I didn't loan money he wouldn't
shine shoes, an' I jes' cain't break dat 'greement."
Diplomacy has been defined as the art of letting someone else have
your way.
DISARMAMENT
Were half the power that fills the world with terror,
Were half the wealth bestowed on camps and courts
Given to redeem the human mind from ERROR,
There were no need of arsenals and forts.
--_Longfellow_.
"What do you think of this disarmament idea?"
"I'm for it. If those people next door will sell their player piano,
I'll agree to have my daughter stop taking singing lessons."
DISCHARGE
COMMANDING OFFICER--"Snathy, here is your honorable discharge, you
ought to be proud of it."
SNATHY--"Deed ah am Cap. Why in civil life when ah was discharged ah
was jest fired."
DISCIPLINE
The principal of a certain school for girls had occasion to speak
sharply to one of the pupils.
"Marion," he said, "you've neglected your work shamefully, and you
must remain with me an hour after school."
Marion shrugged her thin little shoulders. "Well," she said, "if your
wife doesn't mind it, I'm sure I don't."
In a certain public school very advanced ideas are put into practice.
No pupil is ever punished in any way, for the individuality of every
child is considered too sacred for repression.
One day, soon after her enrollment at this school, little Grace
arrived home, her face streaked with tears and her mouth covered with
blood.
"My precious! What happened?" cried her mother.
The little girl was soon pouring out her story in her mother's arms.
Sammy Gates, it appeared, had struck her and knocked out two teeth.
When Grace had been kissed, comforted, and washed, her father wanted
to know how the teacher had dealt with Sammy.
"She didn't do anything," said Grace.
"Well, what did she say?"
"She called Sammy up to the desk and said, 'Sammy, don't you know that
was very anti-social?'"
HUSBAND--"You'll never get that new dog of yours to mind you."
WIFE--"Oh, yes, I will.--You were just as troublesome yourself at
first."
_See also_ Children; Parents.
DISCOUNTS
SPOKESMAN OF CREDITORS--"Veil, Cohen, we've decided to accept five
cents on a tollar--cash."
COHEN, THE DEBTOR--"Cash, you say? Den, of course, I get der regular
cash discount?"--_Puck_.
DISCRETION
WILLIE--"Pa, what is discretion?"
FATHER--"Oh, that's only another name for lack of nerve, my son."
Discretion is the perfection of reason, and a guide to win all the
duties of life.--_Addison_.
DISPOSITION
"Allow me to congratulate you."
"What for?"
"Oh, for just anything--the sunshine, the blue skies, the fact that
you are up and about. Isn't that something?"
"No!"
"Then congratulate me for not having a disposition like yours."
"Have you heard my last joke?" asked the Pest, as he stopped the
Grouch on the street.
"I hope so," replied the Grouch, as he kept on traveling.
"Why is it, Bob," asked George of a very stout friend, "that you fat
fellows are always good natured?"
"We have to be," answered Bob. "You see, we can't either fight or
run."
"What a cheerful woman Mrs. Smiley is!"
"Isn't she? Why, do you know, that woman can have a good time thinking
what a good time she would have if she were having it."
DISTANCES
The German officer who confiscated a map of Cripple Creek belonging
to an American traveler, and remarked that "the German Army might get
there some time," should be classed with the London banker who said
to a solicitous mother seeking to send cash to San Antonio, Texas, for
her wandering son: "We haven't any correspondent in San Antonio, but
I'll give you a draft on New York, and he can ride in and cash it any
fine afternoon."
At Sadieville, Ky., a tourist called to an old colored man: "Hey
uncle! How far is it to Lexington?"
"I don't know, suh; hit used to be 'bout twenty-five mile, but
ev'ything's gone up so I speck hit's 'bout fohty now, suh."
"Where do you live in the city--close in?"
"Fairly so--thirty minutes on foot, fifteen by motor-car, twenty-five
by street-car, and forty-five by telephone."
DIVORCE
"Binks has married again."
"I knew he didn't deserve that divorce!"
At the present terrific rate of divorce cases, we shall soon need a
new reference-book--"Who's Whose."
SOLICITOR (whose client is thinking of getting a divorce)--"Well,
you can get it for about twenty pounds; everything done quietly and no
publicity."
CLIENT--"And how much will the real thing cost, with lots of publicity
and everything?"
WIFE (trying to think of The Hague)--"Let's see, what is the name of
the place where so much was done toward promoting peace in the world?"
HUB--"Reno, my dear."
"And are the divorce laws so very liberal in your section?"
"Liberal? Say! They are so liberal that nobody ever heard of a woman
crying at a wedding out there."
A divorce suit would not appeal so much to a jury if it was cleaned
before it was pressed.
"What are you cutting out of the paper?"
"An item about a California man securing a divorce because his wife
went through his pockets."
"What are you going to do with it?"
"Put it in my pocket."--_Everybody's_.
"Scotsman, married, desires change."--_Weekly Paper_.
We ought to warn him that the Divorce Court is very congested just
now.
To matrimonial speedsters, divorce is just a detour.
DOCTORS
"What is your greatest wish, Doctor, now that you have successfully
passed for your degree?"
YOUNG DOCTOR--"To put 'Dr.' before my own name, and 'Dr.' after the
name of other people."--_Life_.
"Who is your family doctor?"
"I can't tell you."
"Why not? Don't you know his name?"
"Yes. Dr. Johnson used to be our family doctor but nowadays mother
goes to an eye specialist; father to a stomach specialist; my sister
goes to a throat specialist; my brother is in the care of a lung
specialist, and I'm taking treatments from an osteopath."
A young suburban doctor whose practice was not very great sat in his
study reading away a lazy afternoon in early summer. His man servant
appeared at the door.
"Doctor, them boys is stealin' your green peaches again. Shall I chase
them away?"
The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment, then leveled his eyes at
the servant.
"No," he said.
Once an old darky visited a doctor and was given definite instructions
as to what he should do. Shaking his head he started to leave the
office, when the doctor said:
"Here, Rastus, you forgot to pay me."
"Pay yo for what, boss?"
"For my advice," replied the doctor.
"Naw, suh; naw, suh; I ain't gwine take it," and Rastus shuffled out.
M.D.--"Would you have the price if I said you needed an operation?"
MANNING--"Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn't
have the price?"--_Life_.
"How do you pronounce 'pneumonia'?" asked the French boy, who had come
to England to learn the language.
His only chum told him.
"That's odd," replied the young Gaul. "It says in this story I am
reading that the doctor pronounced it fatal."
Mr. Roger W. Babson says that in looking up appendicitis cases he
learned that in 17 per cent. of the operations for that disease the
post-mortem examinations showed that the appendix was in perfect
condition.
"The whole subject," he adds, "reminds me of a true story I heard in
London recently. In the hospitals there, the ailment of the patient,
when he is admitted, is denoted by certain letters, such as 'T. B.'
for tuberculosis. An American doctor was examining these history slips
when his curiosity was aroused by the number on which the letters
'G.O.K.' appeared. He said to the physician who was showing him
around:
"'There seems to be a severe epidemic of this G.O.K. in London. What
is it, anyhow?'
"Oh, that means 'God only knows,'" replied the English physician.
The fashionable physician walked in, in his breezy way, and nodded
smilingly at his patient.
"Well, here I am, Mrs. Adams," he announced. "What do you think is the
matter with you this morning?"
"Doctor, I hardly know," murmured the fashionable patient languidly.
"What is new?"
"When I was a boy," said the gray-haired physician, who happened to
be in a reminiscent mood, "I wanted to be a soldier; but my parents
persuaded me to study medicine."
"Oh, well," rejoined the sympathetic druggist, "such is life. Many a
man with wholesale aspirations has to content himself with a retail
business."
The eminent physicians had been called in consultation. They had
retired to another room to discuss the patient's condition. In the
closet of that room a small boy had been concealed by the patient's
directions to listen to what the consultation decided and to tell the
patient who desired genuine information.
"Well, Jimmy," said the patient, when the boy came to report, "what
did they say?"
"I couldn't tell you that," said the boy. "I listened as hard as I
could, but they used such big words I couldn't remember much of it.
All I could catch was when one doctor said:
"'Well, we'll find that out at the autopsy.'"
YOUNG WOMAN (to be neighbor at dinner)--"Guess whom I met today,
doctor?"
DOCTOR--"I'm afraid I'm not a good guesser."
"You're too modest. Aren't you at the top of your
profession?"--_Life_.
DOCTOR--"My dear sir, it's a good thing you came to me when you did."
"Why, Doc? Are you broke?"--_Life_.
"It's a little hard for young doctors to get a start."
"I know. I'm raising whiskers."
"They will help. And I'll loan you some of my magazines for 1876 to
put in your anteroom."
PATIENT--"I want to see doctor. Be this the place?"
DOCTOR--"This is where I practice."
PATIENT--"Don't want no person for to practice on me; I want a doctor
for to cure me."
FRIEND--"To what do you attribute your rapid rise in your profession?"
SURGEON--"It has been my rule all along never to perform an operation
unless I was sure it would be a success either way."
A doctor who had a custom of cultivating the lawn and walk in front of
his home every spring engaged O'Brien to do the job. He went away for
three days and when he returned found O'Brien waiting for his money.
The doctor was not satisfied with his work and said: "O'Brien, the
walk is covered with gravel and dirt, and in my estimation it's a bad
job."
O'Brien looked at him in surprise for a moment and replied: "Shure,
Doc, there's many a bad job of yours covered with gravel and dirt."
"You say this doctor has a large practice?"
"It's so large that when a patient has nothing the matter with him he
tells him so."
_Why She Objected_
An old woman's son was seriously ill and the attending surgeon advised
an operation. But the mother bitterly objected.
"I don't believe in operations!" she exclaimed. "Even the Scriptures
is agin it. Don't the Bible say plain and flat: 'What God hath j'ined
togither, let not man put asunder'?"
REDD--"The doctor said he'd have me on my feet in a fortnight."
GREENE--"And did he?"
"Sure. I've had to sell my automobile."
SPECIALIST--"You are suffering from nerve exhaustion. I can cure you
for the small sum of $2,000."
PATIENT--"And will my nerve be as good as yours then?"
In a confidential little talk to a group of medical students an
eminent physician took up the extremely important matter of correct
diagnosis of the maximum fee.
"The best rewards," he said, "come, of course, to the established
specialist. For instance, I charge twenty-five dollars a call at the
residence, ten dollars for an office consultation, and five dollars
for a telephone consultation."
There was an appreciative and envious silence, and then a voice from
the back of the theater, slightly thickened, spoke:
"Doc," it asked, "how much do you charge a fellow for passing you on
the street?"
An insurance agent was filling out an application blank.
"Have you ever had appendicitis?" he asked.
"Well," answered the applicant, "I was operated on but I have
never felt quite sure whether it was appendicitis or professional
curiosity."
"Oh, doctor, I have sent for you, certainly; still, I must confess
that I have not the slightest faith in modern medical science."
"Well," said the doctor, "that doesn't matter in the least. You see, a
mule has no faith in the veterinary surgeon, and yet he cures him all
the same."
_A Great Difference_
A noted physician, particularly expeditious in examining and
prescribing for his patients, was sought out by an army man whom
he "polished off" in almost less than no time. As the patient was
leaving, he shook hands heartily with the doctor and said:
"I am especially glad to have met you, as I have often heard my
father, Colonel Blank, speak of you."
"What!" exclaimed the physician, "are you old Tom's son?"
"Certainly."
"My dear fellow," cried the doctor, "fling that infernal prescription
in the fire and sit down and tell me what is the matter with you."
"Father, what is a convalescent?"
"A patient who is still alive, son."
Young M.D.--"Well, Dad, I'm hanging out my shingle; can't you give me
some rules for success?"
"Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills very
plainly."
MOTHER (after visitor had gone)--"Bobby, what on earth made you stick
out your tongue at our pastor? Oh, dear!..."
BOBBY--"Why, muvver, I just showed it to him. He said, 'Littul man,
how do you feel?'--and I thort he was a doctor!"
An Irishman coming out of ether in the ward after an operation,
exclaimed audibly: "Thank God! That's over!" "Don't be too sure," said
the man in the next bed, "they left a sponge in me and had to cut me
open again." And the patient on the other side said, "Why they had to
open me, too, to find one of their instruments." Just then the surgeon
who had operated on the Irishman, stuck his head in the door and
yelled, "Has anybody seen my hat!" Pat fainted.
Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order
to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, dwelt so long on the sexton's
misconduct as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought you
would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have
covered so many blunders of yours!"
DOCTOR (to patient)--"You've had a pretty close call. It's only your
strong constitution that pulled you through."
PATIENT--"Well, doctor, remember that when you make out your bill."
A quack doctor was holding forth about his "medicines" to a rural
audience.
"Yes, gentlemen," he said, "I have sold these pills for over
twenty-five years and never heard a word of complaint. Now, what does
that prove?"
From a voice in the crowd came: "That dead men tell no tales."
_See also_ Bills; Remedies.
DOGS
_My Dog_
He wastes no time in idle talk.
His vows of friendship are unspoken.
As in familiar ways we walk,
Our musings by no word are broken.
Or if, perchance, I voice some phrase
(More light and garrulous am I),
He answers with a speaking gaze,
Half-sister to a song or sigh.
Sweet is the silence of a friend
Whose mood so merges with my own,
And sad would be the journey's end
Were I to pass this way alone.
Perhaps the shadows and the dust
Some faint reply would frame for me
Should I demand if Time were just
To merge all waters with the sea.
Thus pondering, a sigh I heave
That thoughts my naked soul should flay.
Yet dreams of death he bids me leave,
And glory in the living day.
Before me in the path he leaps.
He reads my mood, and bids me, "Come!
Sweet Summer's in the wooded deeps!"
And yet men say that he is dumb.
--_Jack Burroughs_.
Frederick was sitting on the curb, crying, when Billy came along and
asked him what was the matter.
"Oh, I feel so bad 'cause Major's dead--my nice old collie!" sobbed
Frederick.
"Shucks!" said Billy. "My grandmother's been dead a week, and you
don't catch me crying."
Frederick gave his eyes and nose a swipe with his hand, and, looking
up at Billy, sobbed, despairingly:
"Yes, but you didn't raise your grandmother from a pup."
_Dogs and their Friends._
_(The Greeting)_
A thousand velvet eyes aglow with thanks,
A thousand tiny paws in welcome waved,
An orchestra of barks and neighs and purrs
Struck up, and maddest gayety betrayed!
Each satin nose will press its owner's hand,
Such happiness and frolic will abound
When Anti-Cruelty meets all its friends
At last, within their Happy Hunting Ground!
--_Marie Bordeaux_.
Dogs will be dogs.
They also serve who only watch at night and bark.
Tis better to have loved a dog than never to have loved at all.
A little battle now and then is relished by the best of dogs.
Hell hath no fury like an angered bulldog.
For a dog, all roads lead home.
Bark and the whole neighborhood barks with you; hide and
you hide alone.
Dogs should be trained but not hurt.
A buried bone is a joy forever.
Fidelity, thy name is Fido.
--_Edmund J. Kiefer_.
A friend may smile and bid you hail,
Yet wish you with the devil;
But when a good dog wags his tail,
You know he's on the level.
_The Seven Wonders of the World._
(_According to Fido_)
His master.
Meat.
Children.
Rags.
The moon.
Being tickled.
Fleas.
He was a very small boy. Paddy was his dog, and Paddy was nearer to
his heart than anything on earth. When Paddy met swift and hideous
death on the turnpike road the boy's mother trembled to break the
news. But it had to be, and when he came home from school she told him
simply:
"Paddy has been run over and killed."