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MORE TOASTS
Jokes, Stories and Quotations
Compiled by
MARION DIX MOSHER
Librarian, Genesee Branch, Rochester (N.Y.) Public Library
New York
The H. W. Wilson Company
London: Grafton & Co.
1922
* * * * *
BOOKS OF JOKES, STORIES
AND QUOTATIONS
TOASTER'S HANDBOOK. Peggy Edmond and
Harold Workman Williams. 501p. $1.80
MORE TOASTS. Marion D. Mosher. 552p. $1.80
* * * * *
CONTENTS
PREFACE
INTRODUCTION
The Divine Gift of Humor
The Function of Humor
Importance of Humor
MORE TOASTS
INDEX
PREFACE
The success of the Toaster's Handbook has encouraged its publishers to
compile another that will supplement it and bring it up-to-date. New
subjects keep coming to the front, and the up-to-date toaster needs
up-to-date stories to fit the up-to-date subjects. No public occasion
of today is complete without its joke on the nineteenth amendment, the
allied debts, the income tax, etc.
In offering the toasts, jokes, quotations and stories in this
second volume, the editor has endeavored to bring further aid to the
distracted toastmaster, to the professional after-dinner speaker who
must change his stories often, and to individuals inexperienced in
public speaking and so unfortunate as to have public addresses forced
upon them. He views the product with much the same feeling as did
Alexander Pope, who said, "O'er his books his eyes began to roll, in
pleasing memory of all he stole."
Paolo Bellezze expressed the same feelings in the introduction to his
work "Humor" when he said "Of this work of mine, I must confess it is
a great lot of stuff gathered from everywhere except from my brain....
It is a necklace of pearls strung upon a slender cord; that, I have
put there; the pearls have been furnished me by the most famous
jewelers, native and foreign. This said, I can--without being accused
of pride--recommend it to my respectable customers as an article of
great value and of absolute novelty."
In making this collection, files of such magazines as Life, Judge,
Puck and Punch were drawn on extensively; also magazines having
humorous pages or columns, such as the Literary Digest, Ladies' Home
Journal, Everybody's, Harper's; also Bindery Talk and various other
house organs. According to Samuel Johnson "A man will turn over half
a library to make one book," and the compiler of this one makes humble
acknowledgment to a whole library of books and periodicals where most
of these jokes have already appeared. It has been impossible to give
credit unless the place of first publication was definitely known.
The compiling of "More Toasts" was in large measure cooperative. The
test of the humor of a story or joke is in its efficacy when applied
to normal people under ordinary circumstances. With this philosophy in
mind the editor made it a rule to include nothing until it had first
been "tried on the dog." The original material was first graded into
three classes and, before being accepted, each joke had to stand the
test of appealing to the sense of humor of several persons. The result
is a collection of very carefully selected jokes and stories, only
about fifty per cent of the material originally chosen being used.
If any over-critical reader fails to find them humorous, may not the
fault possibly be due to his own imperfect sense of humor?
There is also much truth in the statement that the point of a jest
lies in the telling of it and often much of the subtle humor is lost
in the reading. The personality of the speaker is a necessary factor
and is frequently more important in the effect produced by the story
than the story itself. Elbert Hubbard once said "Next in importance to
the man who first voices a great thought is the man who quotes it."
The clever compiler, like a good chef, must not only know what to
select but in what order to present it. Knowledge consists in being
able to find a thing when you want it and accordingly an attempt has
been made to pigeonhole each joke where it would be most useful. Such
a classification is at best a difficult and debatable question, and
numerous cross references have been placed wherever it was thought
they might direct the reader to the subject wanted.
With these few explanatory words, the editor presents this little
volume, sincerely hoping that it may prove a friend in need to all who
seek the relaxation of humor, and a lifesaver to that legion of
humble men whose knees tremble when the chairman speaks those fateful
words--"The next speaker of the evening...."
M.D.M.
November, 1922.
INTRODUCTION
What can be more fitting than that a compiled book should have a
compiled introduction? Why should one with great pains and poor
prospects of success attempt to do what has already been well done?
Knowing that all readers of this book have a sense of humor and that
they will approve our decision we begin with a quotation from an
article[1] by Mr. E. Lyttelton.
[Footnote 1: The Nineteenth Century. July, 1922.]
The Divine Gift of Humor
The subject of humor has an attraction peculiarly its own,
because it deals with a mystery which yet is pleasantly
interwoven with the daily life of each one of us. We often say
of one of our neighbors that he has no sense of humour. But he
often laughs; he never spends a day without at least trying to
laugh, tho it remains but an attempt, an effort, an aspiration
after something which he seems to have lost but wishes to
recover. Either, that is, he remains grave when others laugh,
or he laughs, as Horace says, "with alien jaws," by constraint
rather than because he cannot help it. He has a confused idea
that it is expected of him. Such laughter is apparently the
outcome of an uneasy sense of duty, a dismal travesty of the
real thing....
Certainly humour is a singularly elusive thing, and I doubt
if anyone alive can explain it; but its elusiveness gives it
something of its charm; and, moreover, the illustrations which
are necessary to an inquiry into its nature, its scope and
meaning, are apt to be amusing without being irrelevant.
Humour has often been roughly described as a sense of the
incongruous. More satisfying, however, is the following, which
has been ascribed to Dean Inge: It is a sense of incongruous
emotions. As soon as we think of the emotions being stirred
we see that the strange difference between humourous and
unhumourous people is not an intellectual matter, but follows
the general law of emotional susceptibility, viz., that it is
independent of the reason and varies within wide limits
with each individual, and obviously with each nationality.
Moreover, it appears that, as it is compounded of two
emotions, one man may feel one of the emotions but be dull
to the other, according to his temperament. It is a matter of
sensitiveness, and in sensitiveness no two of us are alike.
Crudely judged, then, humour may be described as a blessing of
nature bestowed on all, but in widely varying measure, so
that in the case of some of our acquaintance we deplore its
non-existence, but never in ourselves. Nobody really believes
that he is wholly without it, partly because, in proportion as
the sense is really defective, the defect must be in its own
nature unperceived, but also because the gift is so precious,
so winsome, that no one could bear to believe that it has
been denied him. By a merciful law of nature, the delusion is
unsuspected, for assuredly, if any wholly unhumorous person
once realised the full extent of his privation, nothing could
save him from "wretchlessness" and despair.
I prefer to believe that, like the sense of beauty, the love
of music, the thrill of admiration for uncalculating heroism,
we have here a wondrous aid to us in our life's pilgrimage,
but that if we trace it to a sense of our self-interest, we
not only vulgarize it, but we turn it into a caricature. For
there is in humour this singular property; its aroma is so
subtle, delicate and undefinable that the effort to buttress
it upon coarse, common utility is doomed to fail, and in the
mere attempt humour vanishes. There is something deliciously
contagious about laughter that is quite sincere and
unthinking; whereas the only people who contrive to be always
absurd, but never amusing, are those who laugh from a sense of
duty.
Humour, then, in the young is restricted in scope, their
experience of life being small; in women it is quicker than in
men, but shallower; in the Scotch it is reticent, in the Irish
voluble and refined, but cold. But wherever it is found
free from counterfeit, wholesome and contagious, it is the
offspring of man's heaven-bestowed power of seeing in the
meannesses of earth the true presence of the Divine.
Darwin says the causes of humor are legion and exceedingly complex and
various disquisitions upon humor and laughter would seem to support
him. Its social nature is emphasized by Edwin Paxton Hood:
The sources of all laughter and merriment are in the cordial
sympathies of our nature. Laughter is very nearly related
to the highest and most instinctive wisdom; it stands at no
distant remove from Judgment on the one hand, and Imagination
on the other; and it is a proof of a healthy nature, for both
thinking and acting.
C.S. Evans in his article "On Humor in Literature" gives a hint of the
evolutionary process of its mechanism and its higher refinement:
On the lower plane of humor you get a laugh by the most
unimaginative means--merely conceive a recognized humorous
situation, or bring several things together according to a
recipe, and the thing is done. Every practised comedian,
in literature or on the stage, is an adept at it. But the
creation of character, the expression--in terms of the words
and actions of men and women--of that "social gesture" which
is laughter's source, is a much greater thing, for there we
touch the symbolism which is the soul of art.
The Function of Humor
In an article entitled "Why Do We Laugh?" William McDougall discusses
scientifically the value of laughter:
Laughter of man presents a problem with which philosophers
have wrestled in all ages with little success. Man is the only
animal that laughs. And, if laughter may properly be called an
instinctive reaction, the instinct of laughter is the only one
peculiar to the human species....
We are saved from this multitude of small sympathetic pains
and depressions by laughter, which, as we have seen, breaks
up our train of mental activity and prevents our dwelling upon
the distressing situation, and which also provides an antidote
to the depressing influence in the form of physiological
stimulation that raises the blood-pressure and promotes
the circulation of the blood. This, then, is the biological
function of laughter, one of the most delicate and beautiful
of all nature's adjustments. In order that man should reap the
full benefits of life in the social group, it was necessary
that his primitive sympathetic tendencies should be strong and
delicately adjusted. For without this, there could be little
mutual understanding, and only imperfect cooperation and
mutual aid in the more serious difficulties and embarrassments
of life. But, in endowing man with delicately responsive
sympathetic tendencies, nature rendered him liable to suffer
a thousand pains and depressions upon a thousand occasions of
mishap to his fellows, occasions so trivial as to call for no
effort of support or assistance. Here was a dilemma--whether
to leave man so little sympathetic that he would be incapable
of effective social life; or to render him effectively
sympathetic and leave him subject to the perpetually renewed
pains of sympathy, which, if not counteracted, would seriously
depress his vitality and perhaps destroy the species. Nature,
confronted with this problem, solved it by the invention
of laughter. She endowed man with the instinct to laugh on
contemplation of these minor mishaps of his fellow men; and
so made them occasions of actual benefit to the beholder;
all those things which, apart from laughter, would have
been mildly displeasing and depressing, became objects and
occasions of stimulating beneficial laughter....
For laughter is no exception to the law of primitive sympathy;
but rather illustrates it most clearly and familiarly; the
infectiousness of laughter is notorious and as irresistible
as the infection of fear itself.... The great laugher is the
person of delicately responsive sympathetic reactions; and his
laughter quickly gives place to pity and comforting support,
if our misfortune waxes more severe. Such persons are in
little danger of giving offense by their laughter; for we
detect their ready sympathy and easily laugh with them; they
teach us to be humorous.
H. Merian Allen in his essay "Little Laughs in History" says "The
relaxation of a full laugh clears the brain, restores fit contact
with one's fellows, and so smoothes the way for the solving of knotty
problems."
Linus W. Kline, Ph.D., further elucidates the psychical office of
humor as follows:
The psychical function of humor is to delicately cut the
surface tension of consciousness and disarrange its structure
that it may begin again from a new and strengthened base. It
permits our mental forces to reform under cover, as it were,
while the battle is still on. Then, too, it clarifies the
field and reveals the strategetic points, or, to change the
figure, it pulls off the mask and exposes the real man. No
stimulus, perhaps more mercifully and effectually breaks the
surface tension of consciousness, thereby conditioning the
mind for a stronger forward movement, than that of humor. It
is the one universal dispensary for human kind: a medicine for
the poor, a tonic for the rich, a recreation for the fatigued
and a beneficient check to the strenuous. It acts as a shield
to the reformer, as an entering wedge to the recluse and as a
decoy for barter and trade.
Humor is as necessary to our mental and spiritual life as are vitamins
to our physical well-being. Ruskin has called our attention to the
tendency of rivers to lean a little to one side, to have "One shingly
shore upon which they can be shallow and foolish and childlike, and
another steep shore under which they can pause and purify themselves
and get their strength of waves fully together for due occasions," and
has likened them to great men who must have one side of their life
for work and another for play. Action and reaction must be balanced:
seriousness and lightness. "Men who work prodigously must play with
equal energy," says one commentator. "Humor is the gift of the deeply
serious man," remarks another. "There have been very few solemn men,
but their solemnity was evidence, not of their gifts, but of their
defects; as a rule greatness is accompanied by the overflow of the
fountain of life in play." "The richly furnished mind overflows
with vitality and deals with ideas and life freely, daringly, often
audaciously."
The function of the catalyst in chemical reactions is to help other
bodies to get on together, but in doing this it only lends its
presence.
CATALYST. A chemical body which by its presence, is capable
of inducing chemical changes in other bodies while itself
remaining unchanged.
In quite the same way humor, by its mere presence, serves to smooth
the way in all human relations. It contributes a socializing touch.
"Humor makes the whole world akin."
Importance of Humor
Not only the toastmaster needs to have a sense of humor and a
collection of funny stories, and not only the preacher, the public
speaker and entertainer, but everyone, as well, who must influence
others. The "voice with a smile" wins because behind the voice is a
sense of humor. We have more confidence in those who have a sense
of humor. The following is quoted from a persuasive advertisement
entitled "The Gentle Art of Telling a Humorous Story Well":
The most successful men and women are those who know how to
get along with their fellow-beings, who know how to win and
hold good will. In fact, the biggest problem in business and
society today is the human problem, the problem of making
people like you and making people feel kindly towards each
other.
And nothing oils the wheels of human relationship so nicely
as humor. Abraham Lincoln understood this when he saved many
a critical situation by the introduction of one of his famous
anecdotes. Humor has its place in serious business life, and
in social life it is the universal passport to popularity.
The importance of humor in our daily life, often emphasized by
scientists and philosophers, has been well summarized by Justin
McCarthy in an article "Humor as an Element of Success":
I am strongly of the opinion that the quick and abiding sense
of humour is a great element of success in every department
of life. I do not speak merely of success in the more strictly
artistic fields of human work, but am willing to maintain that
even in the prosaic and practical concerns of human existence,
the sense of humour is an exciting and sustaining influence to
carry a man successfully thru to the full development of his
capacity and the attainment of his purpose....
In the stories of great events and great enterprises we are
constantly told of some heaven-born leader who kept alive,
thru the most trying hours of what otherwise might have been
utter and enfeebling depression, the energies, the courage and
the hope of his comrades and his followers.
During thousands of years nature has developed in the human body many
"safety first" signal systems. For example, when the body becomes
chilled this signal system causes us to shiver and tickles the throat
making us cough and in this way thru exercise stimulates the blood
circulation.
Perhaps in ages to come nature will find a way to tickle our sense
of humor when we are angry, discouraged, or otherwise mentally
discomfitted and will thus help us thru laughter to throw off the soul
chill and to regain spiritual poise.
MORE TOASTS
ABSENT-MINDEDNESS
This story is told of an absent-minded professor at Drew Theological
Seminary. One evening while studying he had need of a book-mark.
Seeing nothing else handy, he used his wife's scissors, which lay on
the sewing-table. A few minutes later the wife wanted the scissors,
but a diligent search failed to reveal them.
The next day the professor appeared before his class and opened his
book. There lay the scissors. He picked them up and, holding them
above his head, shouted:
"Here they are, dear!"
Yes, the class got it.
Deep in a ponderous calculation, the professor leaned over his desk.
One hand held his massive brow; the other guided the pencil.
Suddenly the library door was flung open, and a nurse entered, smiling
broadly.
"There's a little stranger upstairs, professor," she announced, of
course referring to the very latest arrival.
"Eh?" grunted the man of learning, poring deeply over his problem.
"It's a little boy," remarked the nurse, still smiling.
"Little boy," mused the professor. "Little boy-eh? Well ask him what
he wants."
A story is current concerning a professor who is reputed to be
slightly absent-minded. The learned man had arranged to escort his
wife one evening to the theater. "I don't like the tie you have on. I
wish you would go up and put on another," said his wife.
The professor tranquilly obeyed. Moment after moment elapsed, until
finally the impatient wife went upstairs to learn the cause of the
delay. In his room she found her husband undressed and getting into
bed.
"How will you have your roast beef?" asked the waiter.
"Well done, good and faithful servant," murmured the clerical-looking
diner absent-mindedly.
_See also_ Habit; Memory.
ACCIDENTS
Hearing a crash of glassware one morning, Mrs. Blank called to her
maid in the adjoining room, "Norah, what on earth are you doing?"
"I ain't doin' nothin', mum," replied Norah; "it's done."
A big Irishman, while carrying a ladder through a crowded street
had the misfortune to break a plate-glass window in a store. He
immediately dropped his ladder and broke into a run, but he had been
seen by the shopkeeper, who dashed after him in company with several
salesmen, and was soon caught.
"Here you big loafer!" shouted the angry shopkeeper, when he had
regained his breath. "You have broken my window!"
"I sure have," admitted the Celt, "and didn't you see me running home
to get the money to pay for it?"
There was a man who fancied that by driving good and fast
He'd get his car across the track before the train came past;
He'd miss the engine by an inch, and make the train-hands sore.
There was a man who fancied this; there isn't any more.
ACCURACY
In one of the industrial towns in South Wales a workman met with a
serious accident. The doctor was sent for, and came and examined
him, had him bandaged and carried home on a stretcher, seemingly
unconscious.
After he was put to bed the doctor told his wife to give him
sixpennyworth of brandy when he came to himself. After the doctor had
left the wife told the daughter to run and fetch threepennyworth of
brandy for her father.
The old chap opened his eyes and said, in a loud voice: "Sixpenn'orth,
the doctor said."
An editor had a notice stuck up above his desk on which was printed:
"Accuracy! Accuracy! Accuracy!" and this notice he always pointed out
to the new reporters.
One day the youngest member of the staff came in with his report of a
public meeting. The editor read it through and came to the sentence:
"Three thousand nine hundred ninety-nine eyes were fixed upon the
speaker."
"What do you mean by making a silly blunder like that?" he demanded,
wrathfully.
"But it's not a blunder," protested the youngster. "There was a
one-eyed man in the audience!"
ACTORS AND ACTRESSES
FIRST ACTRESS (behind the scenes)--"Did you hear the way the public
wept during my death scene?"
SECOND ACTRESS--"Yes, it must have been because they realized that it
was only acted!"
"These love scenes are rotten. Can't the leading man act as if he were
in love with the star?"
"Can't act at all," said the director. "Trouble is, he is in love with
her."
The teacher was giving the class a natural history lecture on
Australia. "There is one animal," she said, "none of you have
mentioned. It does not stand up on its legs all the time. It does not
walk like other animals, but takes funny little skips. What is it?"
And the class yelled with one voice, "Charlie Chaplin!"
Eight-year-old Robert had been ill for nearly a month with tonsilitis,
and nothing kept him contented but pictures of his favorite, Charlie
Chaplin, clipped from the pages of the motion-picture pictorials.
One morning, as his mother sat beside his bed, he studied earnestly a
full-page drawing of the million-dollar comedian.
"Mother," he asked, "will Charlie Chaplin go to heaven?"
"Why, yes--I hope so," answered the somewhat astonished parent.
"Gee! won't the Lord have some fun then!" was Robert's comment.
Sweeping his long hair back with an impressive gesture the visitor
faced the proprietor of the film studio. "I would like to secure a
place in your moving-picture company," he said.
"You are an actor?" asked the film man.
"Yes."
"Had any experience acting without audiences?"
A flicker of sadness shone in the visitor's eyes as he replied:
"Acting without audiences is what brought me here!"
It was a death-bed scene, but the director was not satisfied with the
hero's acting.
"Come on!" he cried. "Put more life in your dying!"
"Pa, what's an actor?"
"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage,
peer into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues,
a number of bored stage hands and a lot of theatrical odds and ends
and exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!'"
"There were two actresses in an early play of mine," said an author,
"both very beautiful; but the leading actress was thin. She quarreled
one day at rehearsal with the other lady, and she ended the quarrel by
saying, haughtily: 'Remember, please, that I am the star.'
"'Yes, I know you're the star,' the other retorted, eyeing with an
amused smile the leading actress's long, slim figure, 'but you'd look
better, my dear, if you were a little meteor!'"
INTERVIEWER--"What is your wife's favorite dish?"
HUSBAND OF FAMOUS MOVIE ACTRESS--"In the magazines it is peach-bloom
fudge-cake with orangewisp salad, but at home it is tripe and
cabbage."--_Puck_.
The actress stood before her mirror, in doublet and hose, and regarded
her thin legs anxiously.
"I'm not exactly a poem," said she, "but I may pass for heroic verse."
ADVERTISING
_The Question is How Much More?_
TO RENT--In private home, a large, handsomely furnished front room;
also a medium-sized one; every convenience; centrally and very
choicely located; rent more than reasonable. Address, etc.--
Advertising is the test of integrity; the proof of integrity;
that transmits an ever-increasing confidence to both producer and
purchaser.
"I won't pay one cent for my advertising this week," declared the
store-keeper angrily to the editor of the country paper. "You told me
you'd put the notice of my shoe-polish in with the reading-matter."
"And didn't I do it?" inquired the editor.
"No, sir!" roared the advertiser. "No, sir, you did not! You put it in
the column with a mess of poetry, that's where you put it!"
"Paw, what is an advertisement?"
"An advertisement is the picture of a pretty girl eating, wearing,
holding or driving something that somebody wants to sell."
A violinist was bitterly disappointed with the account of his recital
printed in the paper of a small town.
"I told your man three or four times," complained the musician to
the owner of the paper, "that the instrument I used was a genuine
Stradivarius, and in his story there was not a word about it, not a
word."
Whereupon the owner said with a laugh:
"That is as it should be. When Mr. Stradivarius gets his fiddles
advertised in my paper under ten cents a line, you come around and let
me know."
"Oh, we called about the flat advertised."
"Well, I did mean to let it, but since I've read the house-agent's
description of it, I really feel I can't part with it."
CLASSIFIED AD MANAGER--"Your advertisement begins: 'Wanted: Silent
Partner.'"
ADVERTISER--"Yes, that's right."
CLASSIFIED AD MANAGER--"Do you want this placed under Business
Opportunities or Matrimony?"
"Say, Jim," said the friend of the taxicab-driver, standing in front
of the vehicle, "there's a purse lying on the floor of your car."
The driver looked carefully around and then whispered: "Sometimes when
business is bad I put it there and leave the door open. It's empty,
but you've no idea how many people'll jump in for a short drive when
they see it."
Recently the L. P. Ross Shoe Company inserted an advertisement in a
Rochester paper for vampers and closers-up. Among the answers received
was one from a young lady who signed herself Miss Mabelle Jones and
gave her address as General Delivery, Rochester. The letter said in
part:
"_Gentlemen_: I have seen your ad for vampires and close-ups and I
would like the job. I have been studying to vamp for several years and
have been practising eye work for a long while. My gentlemen friends
tell me that I have the other movie vamps backed off the map. I
have made a particular study of Theda Bara. I don't know much about
close-ups, but suppose I could learn. I have a good form, swell brown
eyes, and a fine complexion."
"If you would like, I will call and show you what I can do. I have
been looking for a vampire job, but never saw no ads in the papers
before."
"Yours,"
"MABELLE JONES."
"P. S.--Do you furnish clothes for your vampires? I have just come to
Rochester and so I haven't got many clothes."--_Rochester Herald_.
_His Little Ad_
There was a man in our town
And he was wondrous wise;
He swore (it was his policy)
He would not advertise.
But one day he did advertise,
And thereby hangs a tail,
The "ad" was set in quite small type,
And headed "Sheriff's Sale."
Burton Holmes, the lecturer, had an interesting experience, while in
London. He told some Washington friends a day or two ago that when he
visited the theater where he was to deliver his travelogue he decided
that the entrance to the theater was rather dingy and that there
should be more display of his attraction.
Accordingly, he suggested to the manager of the house that the front
be brightened up at night by electrical signs, one row of lights
spelling his name "Burton" and another row of lights spelling the name
"Holmes."
The manager told him it was too much of an innovation for him to
authorize and referred him to the owner of the theater. Mr. Holmes
traveled several hours into the country to consult with the owner,
who referred him to his agent in the city. The agent in turn sent Mr.
Holmes to the janitor of the theater.
"I talked with the janitor and explained my plan to him for about an
hour," Mr. Holmes said. "Finally, after we had gone into every detail
of the cost and everything else, the janitor told me that the theater
was a very exclusive and high class theater, and that he would not put
up the sign. I asked him why?"
"Because it would attract too much attention to the theater," the
janitor replied.
"What's your time?" asked the old farmer of the brisk salesman.
"Twenty minutes after five. What can I do for you?" "I want them
pants," said the old farmer, leading the way to the window and
pointing to a ticket marked, "Given away at 5.20."
_See also_ Authorship; Beauty, Personal; Salesmen and salesmanship.
ADVICE
The most unfair person is the one who asks you for advice and doesn't
let you know what advice he wants.
Another thing that we sometimes take when nobody's looking is advice.
It is a good divine that follows his own instructions: I can easier
teach twenty what were good to be done, than be one of the twenty to
follow mine own teaching.--_Shakespeare_.
Advice is the most worthless commodity in the world. Those who might
profit by it don't need it, and those who do need it won't profit by
it--if they could, they wouldn't need it.
How often have my kindly friends,
(When Fate has dealt me some shrewd blow),
Recalling random odds and ends
Of counsel, cried: "I told you so!"
But when 'twas I who warned, and they
Who heeded not, and came to woe,
I wonder why they'd never say:
"That's right, old chap, you told me so!"
AFTER DINNER SPEECHES
_Recipe for an After-dinner Speech_
Three long breaths.
Compliment to the audience.
Funny Story.
Outline of what speaker is _not_ going to say.
Points that he will touch on later.
Two Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.
Outline of what speaker _is_ going to say.
Points that he has not time to touch on now.
Reference to what he said first.
Funny Story.
Compliment to the audience.
Ditto to our City, State and Country.
Applause.
N. B. For an oration, use same formula, repeating each sentence three
times in slightly different words.--_Mary Eleanor Roberts_.
"You wrote this report of last night's banquet, did you?" asked the
editor with the copy in his hand.
"Yes, sir," replied the reporter.
"And this expression, 'The banquet-table groaned'--do you think that
is proper?"
"Oh, yes, sir. The funny stories the after-dinner speakers told would
make any table groan."
_See also_ Politicians; Public speakers.
AGE
HE--"How old are you?"
SHE--"I've just turned twenty-three."
HE--"Oh, I see--thirty-two."
A judge asked a woman her age.
"Thirty," she replied.
"You've given that age in this court for the last three years."
"Yes. I'm not one of those who says one thing today and another thing
tomorrow."
"Willie," said his mother. "I wish you would run across the street and
see how old Mrs. Brown is this morning."
"Yes'm," replied Willie, and a few minutes later he returned and
reported:
"Mrs. Brown says it's none of your business how old she is."
"Well, auntie, have you got your photographs yet?"
"Yes, and I sent them back in disgust."
"Gracious! How was that?"
"Why, on the back of every photo was written this, 'The original of
this is carefully preserved.'"
Answering the question, "When is a woman old?" a famous tragedienne
wrote: "The conceited never; the unhappy too soon, and the wise at the
right time."
When saving for your old age, don't neglect to lay up a few pleasant
thoughts.
"To what do you attribute your long life, Uncle Mose?" asked a
newspaper interviewer of a colored centenarian.
"Becuz Ah was bo'n a long time back," the old gentleman replied.
MURIEL--"I don't intend to be married until after I'm thirty."
MABEL--"And I don't intend to be thirty until after I'm
married!"--_Life_.
My first gray hair!
I never knew that you were there,
Nor least expected you would come so soon--
But you are there;
From whence you came or where
I know not, but I care.
You make me stop and wonder
Why I find you there to-night,
Is it some worry or some fright
That leaves you colorless, and oh, so white?
You'll not be seen, oh, no, not yet.
On that your fondest curls you bet,
For just as long as you are there
I'll hide you very neatly--there!
And none will wonder--only I, at you--
My first gray hair.
--_Wells Hawks_.
One great advantage of really being old is that one is beyond being
told he is getting old.
_Twenty-One Plus_
FIRST SUFFRAGIST--"How old do you think Mabel is?"
SECOND SUFFRAGIST--"Well, I should say she had lost about seventeen
votes."
A maiden lady of uncertain age became very indignant when the census
taker asked how old she was. "Did you see the girls next door," she
asked--"The Hill twins?"
"Certainly," replied the census man.
"And did they tell you their age?"
"Yes."
"Well," she snapped, "I'm just as old as they are."
"Oh, very well," said the census man; and he wrote in his book, "Sarah
Stokes, as old as the Hills."
I remember, I remember,
The fir trees dark and high;
I used to think their slender tops
Were close against the sky;
It was a childish ignorance,
But now 'tis little joy
To know I'm farther off from heaven
Than when I was a boy.
PHYSICIAN--"Tell your wife not to worry about that slight deafness, as
it is merely an indication of advancing years."
MR. MEEK--"Doctor would you mind telling her yourself?"
"Ma, is Mr. Jones an awfully old man?"
"No, dear, I don't believe so. What makes you ask?"
"Well, I think he must be, because I heard Pa say last night that Mr.
Jones raised his ante."
AGRICULTURE
"Crop failures?" asked the old timer.
"Yes, I've seen a few in my day. In 1854 the corn crop was almost
nothing. We cooked some for dinner, and my father ate fourteen acres
of corn at one meal!"--_Life_.
_See also_ Farming; Laws.
ALARM CLOCKS
To-day I bought an alarm-clock,
It has a very loud ring.
I think I will call it the Star-Spangled Banner,
For every time I hear it I have to get up.
A Swede was working for a farmer, who demanded punctuality above
everything else. The farmer told him that he must be at work every
morning at 4 o'clock sharp. The "hand" failed to get up in time, and
the farmer threatened to discharge him. Then the "hand" bought an
alarm-clock, and for some time everything went along smoothly. But
one morning he got to the field fifteen minutes late. The farmer
immediately discharged him, in spite of his protestations that his
alarm-clock was to blame.
Sadly returning to his room, the discharged employee determined to
find out the cause of his downfall. He took the alarm-clock to pieces,
and discovered a dead cockroach among the works.
"Well," he soliloquized, "Ay tank it bane no wonder the clock wouldn't
run--the engineer bane daid."
"I heard something this morning that opened my eyes."
"So did I--an alarm clock."
"Have you any alarm-clocks?" inquired the customer. "What I want is
one that will arouse the girl without waking the whole family."
"I don't know of any such alarm-clock as that, madam," said the man
behind the counter; "we keep just the ordinary kind--the kind that
will wake the whole family without disturbing the girl."
_See also_ Philadelphia; Tardiness.
ALIBI
TEACHER--"What is an alibi?"
BRIGHT Boy--"Being somewhere where you ain't."
ALIMONY
_Or Go to Jail_
"Is there any way a man can avoid paying alimony?" asked the Friend
who was seeking free advice.
"Sure," replied the Lawyer. "He can stay single or stay married."
ALPHABET
MOTHER (who is teaching her child the alphabet)--"Now, dearie, what
comes after 'g'?"
THE CHILD--"Whiz!"--_Judge_.
ALTERNATIVES
_See_ Choices.
AMBITION
Every normal man has two great ambitions. First, to own his home.
Second, to own a car to get away from his home.
Ambition makes the same mistake concerning power that avarice makes
concerning wealth. She begins by accumulating power as a means to
happiness, and she finishes by continuing to accumulate it as an
end.--_Colton_.
To wish is of little account; to succeed thou must earnestly desire;
and this desire must shorten thy sleep.--_Ovid_.
The noblest spirit is most strongly attracted by the love of
glory.--_Cicero_.
When once ambition has passed its natural limits, its progress is
boundless.--_Seneca_.
AMERICANS
A French magazine claims to have discovered in a New York paper an
advertisement to this effect: "A gentleman who has lost his right leg
is desirous of making the acquaintance of some one who has lost his
left leg, in order to become associated with him in the purchase
of boots and shoes, size 8." The very observant French editor very
politely comments: "An American may occasionally lose a leg, but he
never loses his head."
"That's the Goddess of Liberty," explained the New Yorker. "Fine
attitude, eh?"
"Yes, and typically American," replied the Western visitor. "Hanging
to a strap."
"William," asked the teacher of a rosy-faced lad, "can you tell me who
George Washington was?"
"Yes, ma'am," was the quick reply. "He was an American gen'ral."
"Quite right," replied the teacher. "And can you tell us what George
Washington was remarkable for?"
"Yes, ma'am," replied the little boy. "He was remarkable because he
was an American and told the truth."
A party of tourists were looking at Vesuvius in full eruption. "Ain't
this just like hell!" exclaimed an American. "Ah, the Americans," said
a Frenchman standing by, "Where have they not been?"
AMUSEMENTS
It was a sweet, sad play, and there was hardly a dry handkerchief in
the house. But one man in the first balcony irritated his neighbors
excessively by refusing to take the performance in the proper spirit.
Instead of weeping, he laughed. While others were mopping their eyes
and endeavoring to stifle their sobs, his face beamed with merriment
and he burst into inappropriate guffaws.
At last a lady by his side turned upon him indignantly.
"I d-don't know what brought y-you here," she sobbed, with streaming
eyes, and pressing her hand against her aching heart; "but if y-you
don't like the p-play you might l-let other p-people enjoy it!"
ANCESTRY
HAMPTON--"Dinwiddow told me his family is a very old one. They were
one of the first to come across."
RHODES--"The grocer told me yesterday that now they are the last to
come across."--_Judge_.
"Pa, what are ancestors?"
"Well, my son, I'm one of yours. Your grandpa is another."
"Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?"
HE--"My ancestors came over in the _Mayflower_."
SHE--"It's lucky they did; the immigration laws are a little stricter
now."
ANIMALS
It was Robert's first visit to the Zoo.
"What do you think of the animals?" inquired Uncle Ben.
After a critical inspection of the exhibit the boy replied: "I think
the kangaroo and the elephant should change tails."
ANTICIPATION
"Mr. Blinks," said she, "do you think that anticipation is greater
than realization?"
"Well," replied Mr. Blinks, "anticipation is broader and higher, but
realization is longer and flatter."
ANTIQUES
"Gee, whiz! Isn't that Smithson who just went by in his automobile?
When I knew him a few years ago he had a junk-shop."
"He still has. Only he moved in to a fashionable street and labeled
the same stock 'Antiques.'"
CUSTOMER--"What! Five hundred dollars for that antique? Why, I priced
it last week and you said three hundred and fifty."
DEALER--"Yes, I know; but the cost of labor and materials has gone up
so!"
AD WRITER--"When do you want me to prepare that copy for the sale of
antiques you have been planning?"
BOSS--"We'll have to hold back on those awhile. The wormhole borers
are on strike in Grand Rapids."
APARTMENTS
MR. LONGSUFFER--"Say, janitor, it's down to zero in my flat."
JANITOR--"Down to zero, is it? That's nothing."
_Necessarily So_
"I wonder if they take children in these apartments."
"They must. Some of the rooms aren't big enough for a grown person."
"How do the Joneses seem to like their little two-room kitchenette
apartment?"
"Oh, they have no room for complaint!"--_Judge_.
APPEARANCES
A man's appearance indicates how his business is prospering, and his
wife's appearance shows how much he is spending.
In civilized society external advantages make us more respected. A man
with a good coat upon his back meets with a better reception than he
who has a bad one. You may analyze this and say, what is there in
it? But that will avail you nothing, for it is a part of a general
system.--_Johnson_.
A miser grows rich by seeming poor; an extravagant man grows poor by
seeming rich.--_Shenstone_.
Polished brass will pass upon more people than rough gold.
--_Chesterfield_.
In all professions every one affects a particular look and exterior,
in order to appear what he wishes to be thought; so that it may be
said the world's made up of appearances.--_La Rochefoucauld_.
APPETITE
"Josh," said Farmer Corntossel to his son, "I wish, if you don't mind,
you'd eat off to yourself instead of with the summer boarders."
"Isn't my society good enough for them?"
"Your society is fine. But your appetite sets a terrible example."
TEACHER--"You remember the story of Daniel in the lion's den, Robbie?"
ROBBIE--"Yes, ma'am."
TEACHER--"What lesson do we learn from it?"
ROBBIE--"That we shouldn't eat everything we see."
APPLAUSE
"You don't attach much importance to the applause an orator receives."
"Not much," admitted Senator Sorghum. "There is bound to be applause.
You can't expect an audience to sit still all evening and do
absolutely nothing."
"The train pulled out before you had finished your speech."
"Yes," replied Senator Sorghum. "As I heard the shouts of the crowd
fading in the distance I couldn't be sure whether they were applauding
me or the engineer."
A slowness to applaud betrays a cold temper or an envious
spirit.--_Hannah More_.
The silence that accepts merit as the most natural thing in the world,
is the highest applause.--_Emerson_.
ARITHMETIC
"Waiter," he suggested mildly, "I want three eggs, and boil them four
minutes."
But the cook, having only one in the place, boiled it twelve minutes.
Which proves the value of higher mathematics.
SCHOOL-TEACHER (to little boy)--"If a farmer raises 3,700 bushels of
wheat and sells it for $2.50 per bushel, what will he get?"
LITTLE BOY--"An automobile."
"Now, then, Johnny," said his teacher, "if your father gave you seven
cents and your mother gave you six and your uncle gave you four more,
what would you have?"
Johnny wrinkled up his forehead and went into silence for the space of
several minutes.
"Come, come," said the teacher impatiently. "Surely you can solve a
simple little problem like that."
"It ain't a simple problem at all," replied the boy. "I can't make up
my mind whether I'd have an ice-cream soda or go to the movies."
In Missouri, where they raise more mules and children than in any
other place in the world, a certain resident died possessed of
seventeen mules and three sons. In his will he disposed of the mules
as follows: One-half to the eldest son, one-third to the next, and
one-ninth to the youngest.
The administrator who went to divide the property drove a span of
mules out to the farm, but when he went to divide the seventeen into
halves, thirds, and ninths he found it was impossible with live mules;
mules not being very valuable, he unhitched one of his own, putting it
with the other seventeen, making eighteen, when he proceeded to divide
as follows: One-half, or nine to the eldest, one third, or six, to the
next son, and one-ninth, or two, to the youngest. Adding up nine, six,
two, he found that it made seventeen, so he hitched up his mule and
went home rejoicing.--_Ladies Home Journal_.
"Now, Harold," said the teacher, "if there were eleven sheep in a
field and six jumped the fence how many would there be left?"
"None," replied Harold.
"Why, but there would," said she.
"No, ma'am, there wouldn't," persisted he. "You may know arithmetic,
but you don't know sheep."
One day, as Pat halted at the top of the river-bank, a man famous for
his inquisitive mind stopped and asked:
"How long have you hauled water for the village, my good man?"
"Tin years, sor."
"Ah, how many loads do you take in a day?"
"From tin to fifteen, sor."
"Ah, yes! Now I have a problem for you. How much water at this rate
have you hauled in all?"
The driver of the watering-cart jerked his thumb backward toward the
river and replied:
"All the water yez don't see there now, sor."
ARMIES
A sentry was giving close attention to his post in the neighborhood of
a British army camp in England, challenging returning stragglers late
after dark. The following is reported as an incident to his vigil:
"Who goes there?" called the sentry at the sound of approaching
footsteps.
"Coldstream Guards!" was the response.
"Pass, Coldstream Guards!" rejoined the sentry.
"Who goes there?" again challenged the sentry.
"Forty-ninth Highlanders!" returned the unseen pedestrian.
"Pass, Forty-ninth Highlanders!"
"Who goes there?" sounded a third challenge.
"None of your d--n business!" was the husky reply.
"Pass, Canadians!" acquiesced the sentry.
_Things in the Army that_
_Increase_ _Decrease_
Your appetite. Your surplus fat.
Your respect for the flag. Your self-conceit.
Your love for your mother. Your fastidiousness.
Your promptness. Your selfishness.
Your democracy. Your carelessness.
Your feet. Your finances.
A few soldiers belonging to part of a Swiss regiment in garrison at
Basel went to a certain cafe for refreshments. One of them sat down
alone at a table. Later a civilian, a German, joined him and the two
began to talk war politics. "Would you shoot on the Germans if they
invaded Switzerland?" asked the German.
"Oh, no, never!" exclaimed the soldier.
"Waiter, a pint of beer and a beefsteak with potatoes for this brave
man," ordered the civilian.
"And your pals sitting at the next table--would they also not shoot
the Germans if they tried to invade this country?"
"Oh, no, never," retorted the Swiss.
"Waiter, a glass of beer for each of the soldiers at the next table!"
ordered the civilian.
And addressing again the soldier, he asked: "Is this generally the
view held in the Swiss Army in regard to a possible German invasion?
Are all the Swiss soldiers so Germanophil?"
"I don't know," replied the soldier.
"But why would you not shoot the Germans?"
"Because we belong to the band."
OFFICER (to private)--"What are you doing down in that shell-hole?
Didn't you hear me say we were out against four to one?"
GEORDIE (a trade-unionist)--"Ay. Aa heard you; but aa've killed ma
fower."--_Punch_.
"The army must be a terrible place," said Aunt Samanthy, looking up
from the evening paper.
"What makes you think so, Samanthy?" asked her dutiful spouse.
"Why, jest think what it must be where beds is bunk and meals is a
mess."
Said the colored lad as he was being mustered out, on being asked
what train he was going to take for home: "Boss, I ain't gonna take
no train. I lives two hundred miles away, and I'se gonna run the first
eighteen, just to make sure they don't change their minds befo' I
leave camp."
A factory foreman who had some 300 hands under him went into the army,
became a captain of a company and could not get into the habit of
calling his soldiers men, but invariably referred to them as my
"hands." Imagine, therefore, the surprise of his commanding officer
when the captain turned in a report of an engagement, in which he
said he "had the very good fortune to have only one of my 'hands' shot
through the nose."
"Were you happy when you started for France?"
"Happy? We were in transports."
_See also_ Conscription; Military discipline.
ART AND ARTISTS