ONE OF THE MOST TRUTHFUL ACCOUNTS OF HOW GENERAL POTTER SPENT A
NIGHT AMONG THE DEAD.
TICKLER rose quickly from his bath, and applied himself diligently
to the manufacturing of a most wonderful speech for his master. Nor
was he at a loss for Latin sentences; for, having provided himself
with a book of Latin proverbs, he could have supplied a mob of
politicians with speeches, every word of which was Latin.
And so anxious was Tickler to serve his master, that he broke not
his fast during the morning; nor, indeed, was he aware that
breakfast was over, until the booming of thirteen guns brought him
to a sense of his position. And those thirteen guns were intended
for a salute, and were quite enough for a town so poor that it had
not wherewith to answer them; and on that score, excused itself, for
what might otherwise have been set down for a grave insult. But the
general set every gun down in honor of himself, and was so vain of
his exalted position, that he approached the commander, saying: "I
thank you heartily for the great honor you have just paid me in the
guns; and, let me tell you, sir, I value the compliment more, since
it comes from one so worthy of his country as yourself. You have
displayed great fortitude and valor during this perilous voyage,
which I shall not forget to mention in my dispatches, while my
secretary will make due note of it in his letters to the newspapers,
and I say it to you in confidence, he is correspondent for no less
than seven." The commander bowed, and, smiling, thanked the general
for this expression of his high regard.
A fleet of canoes was now seen putting off from shore. Advancing
with great speed they soon reached the ship, which they surrounded,
while one of their number, bearing two tawny chiefs, and a priest,
who acted as an interpreter, made fast alongside. The chiefs and the
priest came speedily on board, and were welcomed by the commander,
with no little ceremony. And as the chiefs were decked out in a
great profusion of feathers, and cloaks of as many colors as the
rainbow, the general set them down for at least sons of the king,
and commenced addressing them accordingly, when he was suddenly
interrupted by the commander, who informed him that they were only
messengers sent by the father, or chief magistrate of the village,
to inquire for what object the ship was come. And when informed of
the great and important character of the mission, they presented the
ambassador, as they were pleased to call the general, with two
parrots and a male monkey, as a token of the friendship intended by
their king, and also as a means of dispelling all apprehensions of
evil designs. This done, the priest was invited into the cabin,
where, to his great delight, refreshments were served, to which were
added sundry strong beverages, which he drank with such avidity and
evident relish, that the commander began to have fears for the
safety of his understanding. Being a man of great compassion, the
commander got the priest away. Thereupon he joined the chief, and
together they returned to make preparations for the reception of our
hero and his secretary. And when it was well nigh high noon, the
general and his secretary disembarked amidst the booming of guns and
the huzzas of the crew. And although this afforded him no small
amount of pleasure, he expressed great anxiety lest the landing of
old Battle be delayed another minute; "for," said he, "if it be
necessary to make an impression on these savages, then let me have
my horse, and you shall see how quick I will do it." As these little
evidences of his weakness only served the more to divert the
officers, they proceeded forthwith to effect the landing. Scarcely
had he set foot on shore, however, when he was surrounded by a swarm
of tawny beings, naked almost to the buff, and so eager to get a
sight at so great an ambassador, that they pressed forward with a
clamor that threatened the most serious results to life and limbs,
at the same time interposing a serious impediment to the progress of
his train. Nor did his great rotundity, and the queer figure he cut
in his uniform tend to lesson their excitement; for they commenced
capering round him, hooting, and performing the most amusing
antics,-all of which he mistook for expressions of gratitude and
joy. But as it was a custom with our government to select for
ministers men who could not understand one word of the language
spoken at the court to which they were accredited, so in this
instance did its results prove highly fortunate; for, as neither
could understand a word the other said, our government was saved
from being called upon to resent the most flagrant outrages ever
offered to one of its ministers. But as fortune always favors the
great and chivalrous, the priest with whom he had an interview in
the morning, suddenly came to the rescue, and so great was his power
over the poor natives, that they held their peace at the raising of
his finger, and dispersed to a respectful distance at his bidding.
Diminutive asses were now brought, and when the company were
mounted, the priest escorted them, on foot, to a little chapel, in
which were assembled divers other priests and dignitaries, whose
raiment bore a strong resemblance to the venerable wardrobe of one
of our bankrupt theatres. Here the general was welcomed by the
priest, in return for which he delivered them the speech prepared
for him by his secretary. But not one word of the Latin that
gentleman had so liberally thrown in, could the priests understand,
though they were complete masters of the tongue.
As for the town itself, it was composed of detached huts, built of
mud and sticks, and in keeping with the degraded condition of the
poor natives, between whom and the priests and renegades, who
affected to govern them, a strange confusion of understandings
existed. In speaking of renegades, it may be well to mention that
the town seemed to swarm with flaxen-headed children, some toddling
about in their bare buff, some basking in the sun, and others
devouring plantains and pomegranates. Indeed, there were various
proofs of an infusion of renegade blood, rarely met with in so
remote a country. Further observation also discovered the fact, that
even the dogs, and the pigs, and the cattle were a cross with other
species of animals, and partook largely of the spirit of animosity
that ruled between the priests and the renegades. In truth, no two
could be found living in harmony. And strange as it may seem, the
natives of Buzabub, although bountifully supplied with whiskey,
powder and priests, were at the lowest point of civilization. And
yet, heaven knows, these modern messengers of civilization had done
much to sweep away the primitive virtues of the poor Kaloramas.
When the ceremony of presentation was over, and such hospitalities
as the town afforded proffered the general and his secretary, they
were made comfortable at the house of a priest, for three days must
elapse before the kings's permission to proceed to Nezub, which was
some ten leagues inland, would arrive; and no ambassador ever dared
to advance without it. The general was also informed that it was
customary for all great ambassadors to travel in a sort of
palanquin, borne by four stalwarth natives, who were relieved every
two miles. And this journey, he was gravely assured, would occupy
not less than eight days; but as the train would be accompanied by a
priest and two renegades (the latter acting as interpreters), the
time would pass pleasantly enough. "Odds me!" exclaimed the general;
"but this riding in such a machine, Mr. Priest, does not comport
with my notion of dignity." "Your excellence," replied the priest,
"must remember that there are various opinions as to what
constitutes true dignity. For myself, I hold to Saint Peter's
notion, that a man may maintain his dignity, though clothed in
sackcloth. And since no really great ambassador ever thought of
travelling in any other manner, I think you may venture to follow
their example, without fear of damaging your dignity." This so
completely reconciled the general, that he declared all his
objections removed, and enjoined the priest not to think him a whit
behind any ambassador he might have in his eye. But Mr. Tickler was
seriously discomfitted. "Pray," said he, with an air of great
anxiety, "will your reverence be good enough to say how I am to
accompany his excellency, for I am a poor critic, and know but
little of these affairs."
"Secretaries," rejoined the priest, "follow their masters, mounted
on a mule, and he in turn is followed by two renegades, similarly
mounted; the priest following, mounted on an ass. And this is
strictly in accordance with an ancient custom, for the priest being
necessary to the strict morality of the train, it is becoming that
he should humble himself." Mr. Tickler shook his head, and was
evidently much disappointed at the shabby position he was to occupy
in the train. Indeed, he wished himself back in New York a dozen
times, and swore he would consider it a kindness if the devil had
his secretaryship. Encouraged, however, with extravagant promises of
what the future might have in store for him, he betook himself
diligently in writing long and very eulogistic articles to the New
York newspapers, in which he described the great deference paid them
by the officers during the voyage, the wonderful reception at
Buzabub, the great resources of the country, and the immense
advantages that must resnlt from this mission. Nor did Tickler
forget to mention that General Roger Potter was exactly the man to
effect all our objects. Three whole days did the cunning critic
occupy in the preparation of these marvellous accounts; which were
so well larded with Latin quotations that the writers for "Putnam"
went into ecstacies of delight over their great literary merits.
During this time the general became a lion of no small dimensions,
and whether mounted on old Battle, or afoot, was so great an object
of attraction that a swarm of urchins, from the smallest toddler in
his buff to the more mature imp of fourteen, persisted in following
close at his heels, presenting him with pomegranates and plantains,
and, indeed, offering him such salutations as their instincts
directed; for they fancied him the great school-master they had been
told would one day come from the East to teach them how to be great
men.
While all these things, then, were progressing, and the general
seemed leaping to the apex of his fame, the officers of the ship,
not content with the joke they had already perpetrated, resolved on
having such a parting with him as would be both amusing and
instructive. They therefore invited him to a grand banquet, which
they represented as given out of sheer respect to his rare qualities
as a diplomatist. And as he held all these ovations as so many
jewels in the coronet of his popularity, the invitation was readily
accepted. In truth, he flattered himself that news of this grand
banquet would get to the ears of the king, who, seeing how much he
was esteemed by his own countrymen, could not fail to make him any
concession he might demand. He thereupon commanded his secretary to
make him a speech of great strength and beauty, that he might
astonish them quite as much with the profoundness of his learning as
with the clearness of his understanding. "Faith! I am ready to write
your excellency speeches by the dozen, with the quality to your
mind; but as you never stick to one of them, I would suggest that if
you but condescend to advance me a trifle of my salary, I can employ
the time much more to my liking; for several comely damsels, with
rich olive complexions, have already sang to me, and, as your
excellency knows, I am a critic of tender parts."
"I see your drift, friend Tickler. But keep the devil from your
elbow and you will soon forget the songs of these damsels. If they
throw a sly wink or two, turn your back and walk away. Do this, and
I will answer for your virtue. As to the speeches, no man could have
made them more to my mind; and it was merely to show you the breadth
of my own capacity that I did not stick to them."
"Yes, and there's the Latin! Though I crammed in my whole book of
quotations, you would so hack it up in the delivery that neither the
priests nor the devil could understand a word of it," curtly
retorted Mr. Tickler.
When night came, they all prepared for the banquet, which, although
not so sumptuous as those given in New York to great officials, was
by no means a meagre affair, since it included a variety of dishes
held as great delicacies by the Kaloramas. As to wines, the officers
had an ample supply brought from the ship. All stronger beverages
were got of the host of the inn in which the banquet was to come
off, a fellow calling himself Fareni Faschi, but whose real name was
Philip Fitzpatrick, a renegade who had committed crimes enough in
New York, which place he trusted to his heels and left, in order to
save his neck. Not to keep the reader longer in suspense, I will
here inform him, whether gentle or simple, that no such banquet had
ever before been given in Buzabub, and that General Potter took his
seat on the right of the chairman, (who was no less a person than
the commander!) amidst the sounding of trumpets and the jingling of
symbol-bells. And so scrupulous was he of his uniform, that an
attendant placed before him-not a napkin-but a large tablecloth,
which so added to the humorous aspect of his face that even the
priests present could not resist a smile. All now proceeded as
jubilant as a marriage in Canon. The general gorged himself as never
minister gorged himself before. Even Mr. Tickler, who sat at his
right, looked with astonishment at the skill and alacrity with which
his master demolished the various dishes set before him. As to the
punches, highly-spiced cordials, and wines, he mixed them
indiscriminately, and drank them with such a rapidity that Tickler
became alarmed for the safety of his understanding. Indeed, it was
so evident that his intellect was becoming deranged that the
officers ordered the courses hurried as much as possible, for they
were anxious to be rid of the priests, before whom they would not
for the world have their country's great representative do aught
damaging to his reputation. When, then, the attendants came to
remove the cloth, the general looked up with astonishment, and
addressed one of them thus: "I would not have you stop for me,
gentlemen waiters, for I am a slow and dainty eater, and would like
another turn at that well-seasoned pie." Tickler, who had been no
way dainty about the number of glasses he quietly quaffed, touched
his master significantly on the elbow. "Your excellency has need to
look well to his manners," said he, "for those priests have their
eyes polished, and are whispering no good."
"That dish of which your excellency has eaten with so much relish,"
rejoined the waiter, "is snale patte, a dish so rare and savory that
it is all eaten up: but if your excellency will be patient we will
have some more prepared expressly for him."
"Heavens, sir! spare yourself the trouble; for if it be such meat I
have been eating, why then, to the priests with it; for I shall soon
need a doctor." The priests overheard this remark, and thereupon
arose, returned thanks, and retired. The chairman rose as soon as
they were gone and made a speech, which he addressed to our hero,
and with such clever irony that he sent the whole company into a
titter. He congratulated our country on the possession of so famous
a diplomatist as General Potter, a gentleman whose name would be a
gem in our history, and whose wonderful achievements as a statesman
had shed lustre upon our country's fame. "We have accompanied him
here in safety; we regret to part with him; but feeling that he will
prove himself a faithful sentinel of our country's interests, we
devoutly pray that his mission may be an unprecedented round of
successes," said he. Indeed, he astonished every one present with
his facility for paying compliments, and so confused the general
that he was at a loss what to say in reply. In short, he declared
government had a rich inheritance in such persons, and was moved by
a wise policy in sending abroad gentlemen not encumbered with a
whole Babylon of tongues.
When the chairman had finished his speech the general rose with
great pomp and circumstance to reply. He cast a wild and confused
look about him, and then paused as if to collect his thoughts. "It
must not be said of me that making speeches is not one of my
functions, for, as your honor knows, I have made a score of them
recently; but that which I just now had so pat at my tongue's end,
and was just the speech for you, has got right out of my head, which
just now feels like a split mountain. What you say of my services to
my country is true enough; for I am none of your thieving
politicians, but a man who acts under the patronage of honesty,
which heaven knows is enough for any patriot. Faith of my father!
and I can tell you that these expressions of sincerity and esteem
gratify me much, for they are like so many suns and stars in the
firmament of my glory-"
"If your excellency would only throw in a little of the Latin,"
interrupted Mr. Tickler, in a whisper; "such another chance will not
offer these three years." But he resumed, heedless of the
admonition: "And I would have every man who goes abroad carry his
country in his pocket, not forgetting to take it out now and then
for the purpose of worship." The speaker here became confused, and
after making several ineffectual efforts to continue, settled into
his chair and held his peace, as the commander and most of the
guests took their departure, much gratified with the evening's
entertainment. The general was now left with the officers and his
secretary. And these fine young gentlemen were so bent on mischief
that they pledged the "ambassador" and Mr. Tickler in bumpers, and
with such rapidity that both were soon in a state of stupefaction.
And for the nonce they laid the general full length upon the table.
Mr. Tickler they placed in a sort of pillory with his hands and feet
secured, his face painted most hideously, and the stuffed image of a
huge Indian of savage aspect, fronting him, his spear poised.
And now, when it was passed midnight; when every snake in Buzabub
had coiled himself up, shut his eyes and gone quietly to sleep; when
pestering centipedes, lizards, and cockroaches were gone peaceably
to their holes; and not even a monkey winked, lest he disturb the
elements, which were hushed into perfect silence,-there might have
been seen at the door of the inn no less an animal than old Battle,
harnessed to a vehicle quite resembling those hearses used in the
villages of New Jersey, and presenting in the pale moonlight a
figure both forlorn and ludicrous. And this was further increased by
a figure representing Death, mounted upon the poor animal, with his
scythe and glass adjusted-the whole presenting a picture of death
very like that described in Revelations as seated upon the pale
horse. The face of the figure was deathly pale, his raiment was a
sheet, and a tall, white cap was on his head; and for the rest he
was in his buff. On the hinder part of the vehicle a figure of Time
was mounted; while still another, representing the devil, was
gravely mounted on a seat in front. Four mischievously-inclined
gentlemen now made their appearance, staggering under the weight of
our great and wonderful "ambassador," whom they thrust,
head-foremost, into the vehicle. Never was minister plenipotentiary
handled with so little ceremony: never was so famous a war-horse
made to perform such shabby service, to the serious damage of his
master's great reputation.
At the word, this curiously-equipped cortege drove rapidly to a
great grotto, in which the distinguished dead of Nezub were placed,
preparatory to being prayed through purgatory by the priests. And
here, having safely secured and barricaded the entrance, General
Roger Potter--statesman, philosopher, warrior, and politician--was
left to sleep in the company of his faithful horse and the dead.