OF THE GENERAL'S RECOVERY, AND HIS INTERVIEW WITH MR. TICKLER; ALSO,
OF THE LANDING AT BUZABUB, AND VARIOUS OTHER STRANGE AND AMUSING
THINGS.
WHEN the general was sufficiently recovered from the effects of the
fall, he began thanking heaven that it was no worse, and inquiring
of the officers who stood around him, each trying to emulate the
other in offering him consolation, whether any of his predecessors
had been thrown into the scuppers in this manner. "You may say there
was a lack of skill, gentlemen; but I at least gave you a taste of
my courage, which is something in these days." Thus he addressed
them as he rose to his feet, with evident self-satisfaction, and
believing in his heart that a man was as much to be praised for what
he attempted as for what he achieved. "That you are a gentleman of
courage no man with eyes in his head will dispute; and as our
country is extremely fortunate in the possession of so brave a
general, we have been saying among ourselves that the interests of
the nation demand that you should be less prodigal of it!" replied
one of the officers.
"It affords me no small pleasure that you can bear witness of what
you have seen; for although this misfortune may not comport with my
dignity as a minister sent to preserve friendly relations with a
savage king, you will at least say it was an enterprise that tested
the quality of my metal. As I have always said, a man had better
stick to his functions; for if he mount strange horses, his head may
prove so wanting in brain that he will certainly fall to the ground
a great fool. But you have seen enough to satisfy you of my courage,
and now I must hasten to my secretary, who is no small man, though
unaccustomed to the perils we soldiers know so well how to enjoy."
So making them a bow, the general proceeded to Mr. Tickler's cabin,
where he found that gentleman busily engaged over a pot of Rushton's
pomade, which, together with two bottles of Lubin's double extract,
had been presented to him by the officers, as a balm to heal his
injured dignity. "This is no joke, your excellency," said the
discomfited critic; "you may smile at a man with his beard full of
tar; but let your excellency just try it with his own, and I wager
he'll wish the devil had it before he gets it restored." The general
laid his hand on Mr. Tickler's arm, encouragingly, and replied,
"Friend Tickler, heaven has given you a good understanding, and it
comforts me that you take this little affair no worse."
"How much worse your excellency would have it I know not. And it
occurs to my mind that this mauling and scraping is no part of my
mission. I am not a malefactor, but a man sent abroad to serve his
country, which it is my intention to do faithfully, if only they
leave my dignity undamaged."
"It's not every one thinks so well of his dignity, friend Tickler,"
interposed the general.
"I am glad your excellency speaks in this way; for if a man bring
his dignity to an end, pray what use is he to his country?"
"There your philosophy is at fault, Tickler; for many's the man now
in the service of his country who has not so much dignity as my
horse Battle. Console yourself, sir, and remember that hardships are
the prop-sticks of a rising man's glory. And having borne your part
in this ceremony with such consummate fortitude, you must know that
the officers set you down for a terrible fellow."
"Let them practice their pranks on some one else, or by the saints
they shall suffer for it. But tell me, your excellency, is it a
custom with secretaries to trick their landlords, undergo these
batterings and bruisings, and go for weeks without a shilling? If it
be, Orlando Tickler returns to his profession of a critic! And to
tell you the truth, sir, it is not clear to me of whom I am to get
pay for my services at this outlandish court. But pray where is this
Kalorama? for I have puzzled my brain over it not a little. And
while you are about it, please enlighten me further on the benefits
this mission of yours will bestow upon mankind, that I may be
instructed while I am getting this grease and tar out of my beard."
"A good diplomatist, I have heard it said, friend Tickler, never
blurts out what he means to do, but keeps a still tongue until he
has effected his ends. Keep then your faith square, ask no
questions, watch closely, and the result shall come as clear as day
to you when I am on the field." The secretary gradually became more
reconciled to his fate, and soon renewed the labor of restoring his
beard.
Several days now passed with so much pleasantry that the general and
his secretary became the admiration of all on board. Not a man, from
the commander down to the humblest "ordinary," but was eager to pay
them homage, minister to their comfort, or afford them amusement.
They were thus happily pursuing their voyage when the commander, one
pleasant evening, having entertained the general with various sea
stories, was approached by one of his officers, who reported that
Spark Island had been sighted from aloft. This news sent a thrill of
joy into the hearts of all on board, for Spark Island lay ten
leagues off the coast of Kalorama. Every eye was now fixed in the
direction indicated, and many were the glasses brought into use.
After various scannings, what seemed a mere speck on the horizon was
pronounced by the commander to be nothing less than the famous Spark
Island, a bit of land quite resembling the steeple of one of our
fashionable churches, and which nature, in one of her strange freaks
had ejected from the bottom of the sea, that certain gulls and other
sea-birds, having no other convenient place to build their nests,
might take advantage of its solitude. "Verily, your excellency,"
said the commander, addressing General Potter with great suavity of
manner, "there is so curious a history connected with this pitiful
little island, that I feel you would be deeply interested with a
recital of it."
"Indeed, sir," returned the general, "as this history concerns me as
a diplomatist, I should be delighted to hear it from your lips."
"You must know, then," resumed the commander, "that the natives
along the coast have a tradition they firmly believe in, and which
sets forth that this island was thrown up by a special act of
providence as a place of refuge for a poor priest, a good and holy
man, who, being admitted to the confidence of the court of a Chief
then ruling over Kalorama, was discovered, by a keen-sighted
attendant, in an amour with one of his daughters, a girl of so much
beauty that various chiefs had come from the east, and the west, and
the north, and the south, to lay their offerings at her feet. But to
none of them would she give her hand and heart. And although the
priest protested his innocence before heaven, and the girl, whose
name was Matura, declared her chastity as unsullied as the driven
snow, the father was not to be moved, but per-emptorily ordering
them both into a canoe, sent them to drift at the mercy of the
waves, a merited banishment-in his eyes. Many years passed, and
nothing being heard of the priest and Matura, it was thought the sea
had swallowed them up, when they were discovered on this lonely
island by some Spanish adventurers from a neighboring coast. The
priest at once gave the visitors an account of how the island rose
from the ocean by special providence for his protection, together
with a minute description of all that had taken place since their
banishment. He had chanted vespers regularly three times a day,
while Matura had confessed to him, sang to him, and made him
garments of the feathers of birds, the flesh of which furnished them
with food. What seemed most singular, was that although their locks
were whitened with the cares of fourscore years, both stood ready to
swear before an inquisition of saints that neither in thought nor
deed had they sinned against the commandments.
"Meanwhile the servant, instrumental in procuring the banishment of
the priest and Matura, was brought to his death-bed, and as he was
troubled about leaving this world with so deep a crime in his heart,
he came out and declared that the charge he had brought against the
priest and Matura was a tissue of lies which he had been bribed to
promulgate by another priest, to whom he was in the habit of
confessing. But the innocence thus revealed was of no avail; for the
priest and Matura died on the island, and there was an end of it as
far as that went.
"The Spaniards returned and reported the discovery to their people,
as also the story of the priest and Matura. Whereupon the Spaniards
laid claims to Spark Island, they being, as they asserted, the first
discoverers. But the story, together with the discovery, was not
long in coursing down the coast to the ears of the Kaloramas, who
immediately fitted out a fleet of seven canoes, and dispatched
them in charge of twenty stalwarth natives and a priest, who had
taken high orders, such an one being held necessary to the safety of
the expedition. Well, they descried the island, and having landed,
found the bones of the priest and Matura in a cave, on the side of a
steep bluff. And when these were brought home, the people of
Kalorama went into deep mourning, and had them buried with great
ceremony in a grove of cocoanut trees, where all girls of tender
years were taught to go at early morning and lay offerings of
flowers upon the grave of Matura the innocent.
"But there soon sprung up a great dispute as to the possession of
this island. The Spaniards claimed it in virtue of their discovery,
while the Kaloramas, with no less plausibility, asserted a priority
by virtue of its having been first inhabited by the priest and
Matura, whom they claimed as citizens of Kalorama. And,
notwithstanding a manuscript written by the priest while in his
lonely exile, and describing how an All-wise Providence had created
this island solely for his preservation, was by an intriguing
Spaniard placed in the hands of the King of the Kaloramas as proof
against his own countrymen, the question of possession rose into
such gigantic proportions that a great war broke out between the
disputants. And although neither could ever hope to derive the
slightest benefit from its possession, the contest was bloody enough
on both sides. And when they had fought many battles, involved
various other nations, and desolated each other's dominions, they
agreed that each should send a deputation of not less than three
priests, who, when they had visited the island, should declare upon
the merits of the case. Whereupon two expeditions were fitted out at
great cost of time and treasure; but after cruising for more than
thirty days, not a vestige of Spark Island could they find.
Therefore, it was agreed among the priests that as a visitation of
providence had created the island for a holy purpose, so also had
God in his wisdom caused it to sink into the sea, that an end might
be put to the savage wars waged for its possession. And as neither
party could dispute this solemn verdict of the priests, both
cheerfully accepted it, and were for ever after inalienable friends.
And there is an end to that, as far as it goes.
"It was generally agreed that Spark Island had vanished, for nearly
a century passed, and not a mariner could be found to say he had
seen it, though several were ready to swear by their buttons that
they had heard mermaids singing precisely where it once stood. And
so matters remained until a few years ago, when two of our
enterprising countrymen, who were cruising down this way in search
of adventures, came upon it, and finding it covered with a rich and
valuable manure, fancied it a new discovery, laid claim to it in the
name of our government, and, blinded by their enthusiasm, declared
it one of the greatest islands history had any account of, though
truly it was but six furlongs long and four wide. Many and wonderful
were the representations made to our government by these adventurers
concerning this great discovery, and the benefits that were to flow
from it to our country. The humblest husbandman was to get a mere
pinch of its rich deposits, and, having sprinkled it over his broad
acres, would immediately find them transferred into fields of
luxuriant corn. Mere ounces were to make fertile the most sterile
lands; and even old Virginia put on her spectacles, and began
looking forward to the time when every bald hill, from the
Rappahannock to the Blue Ridge, would wear a rich carpet of green.
"It was curious enough to see with what an open ear the government
listened to these wonderful stories, and the agility with which it
sent a great fleet, and a terrible commodore, to enforce our claim
to the possession of this island. A dispute now arose between the
Kaloramas and our government, regarding the nature of the discovery
by these adventurers, and many learned and very profound opinions
were given, describing its exact history and boundaries. When,
however, we were on the point of declaring war against the
Kaloramas, as the most sure way of getting the island, it turned out
that all these authorities, discovering such profound knowledge,
were wide off the mark. In addition to this, the fleet, after a long
and pleasant cruise, which afforded the officers amusement enough to
last them a life-time, at length found the island, which was so
small that even the most reliable chart makers had neglected to
locate it. They were, therefore, so much diverted at its apparent
insignificance that they came to the very sensible conclusion that
the few birds having their nests in it had the best claim to it;
and, indeed, that to disturb them would be to inflict a great
cruelty. After coming to this conclusion they returned home in
excellent humor, and reported the result of the expedition (the
report covered some sixteen folios) to the government at Washington,
presenting it at the same time with a casket containing four ounces
of the rich and highly-scented treasure found thereon. And I am
informed that the government was so pleased with the result of this
costly expedition that it has ever since remained profoundly silent
on the subject-even refusing an enormous sum offered by a
Philadelphia bookseller for the report, which he was anxious to
publish, out of sheer love for the public. However, open questions
of the smallest kind being indispensable to great governments,
inasmuch as they afford occupation to diplomatists, and such idlers
as follow the trade of politics, I must not forget to mention here
that our government still continues secretly to dispute the point
with the Kaloramas; even threatening to thrash them right soundly,
unless they relinquish their claim. And here Spark Island stands,
like the lone steeple of some forsaken church." Thus the commander
concluded, when General Potter, who declared the history had deeply
interested him, laid his hand confidentially on the arm of the
speaker, saying: "There is, I verily believe, something said in my
instructions concerning this Island. Just let me alone, and I
warrant to have it safe in the possession of our government, (and a
dozen more just like it!) in less time than you have been talking
about it. As for the priest, though he never did me any harm, I hold
it well that the amorous rascal was banished in a canoe, that being
an easy way of getting rid of him. But my heart is tender, and you
speak in such praise of this Matura's beauty, and chastity, that I
shall surely go to bed weeping, if, indeed, I do not dream of hand
to hand combats with her hard-hearted father. I shall not forget
this affair, Mr. Commander! and shall give King Nebo to understand
that I know all about the dirty tricks of his ancestors."
"I would like to know," inquired Mr. Tickler, "if there was anything
said in the manuscript left by the priest, about his seeing Spark
Island rise from the sea with his own eyes?"
"Nothing could have been more minutely described," replied the
commander. "One moment there was only a broad sea-plain before him,
in the next he saw it shoot up like a spark, which was why he called
it Spark Island." Mr. Tickler declared himself entirely satisfied
with this explanation, and was sure the priest could not have been
mistaken.
When the night was far advanced the general and his secretary
retired to their cabins, where they slept soundly, and awoke on the
following morning, to find the ship safely moored in a snug little
cove or harbor, opposite the Village of Buzabub, a seaport on the
Coast of Kalorama, and so buried in Mango and Pride of India trees,
as nearly to conceal the few shabby dwellings it contained. The
general was up before the monkeys began to chatter, and anxiously
paced the deck, in his new uniform, seeming to care for no one but
old Battle, whom he every few minutes stopped to congratulate on the
termination of the voyage, all of which the faithful animal seemed
perfectly to understand. In truth, the general had evinced so much
solicitude for his horse during the passage, that the officers and
men were quite as much diverted with the proofs of affection
displayed by the faithful animal, as they were at the eccentricities
of his master.
When then the general had paced the deck a sufficient length of
time, he repaired to the cabin of his secretary, saying: "Friend
Tickler, my learned secretary, get speedily up, for this is to be
the most important day of my life, outshining, by far, the day of my
reception in New York. Get up, write me a speech that shall become
this remarkable event, and so mix it up with Latin sentences, that
these savages will take me for a profound scholar, and pay me
courtesy accordingly; for I have a fear of their knives, which, I am
told, have terminated the existence of several ambassadors."