WHICH RELATES THE VERY UNMILITARY PREDICAMENT THE MAJOR WAS FOUND IN
ON THE FOLLOWING MORNING, WHEN HIS PRESENCE WAS EXPECTED AT THE
REVIEW.
GENERAL BENTHORNHAM was every inch a gentleman, and though he had
what the vulgar call a very ugly conk nose, the ladies held him in
high favor, and doubtless had never seen him except in full uniform,
when he appeared to excellent advantage, for the point of his hat
aided to detract from the immensity of his nose. As soon, therefore,
as he saw the lady faint, and was made conscious of the cause, he
took to his heels, and scampered out of sight with the nimbleness of
a boy of fifteen, muttering apologies as he went, and saying to
himself, "Isn't this a pretty pickle for a military man of my age to
be in?" The Georgian was nevertheless inclined to treat this second
fainting effort of his wife with no great degree of sympathy, and
without further ceremony told her, while almost suffocating her with
hartshorn, not to make such a fool of herself, for it was the devil
who put bad thoughts into the heads of virtuous women. As to the
general, he was an old man, and had nothing about him a female of
good morals need fear. This suddenly brought her to her senses, when
she indulged in a few of those epithets females, however delicate,
will use when resolved to show their lords the length they may go in
asserting a priority of rights. In truth she threatened to pluck out
all her hair, which would have been a performance much to be
regretted, seeing that it floated over her shoulders like tresses of
silk, and was so luxuriant that a Delhian maid might have envied it.
She also cursed the hour she took him for her husband, saying his
night revels would be the death of her, and continuing in a strain
of execrations and wailings, (wishing herself back with her mother
an hundred times, and declaring her's the most wretched of lives,)
until he swore she gave him no peace of his life.
The Georgian raised not his voice in anger again; but took the major
affectionately by the arm, and, moved by compassion, assisted him to
General Benthornham's room, where he strove to comfort him as best
he could; and as the night was excessively hot, they quenched their
thirst with a little brandy and water, over which they again
condoled one another for their misfortunes, and became the very best
of friends. The general then begged the Georgian to say to his lady
that he intended no affront and that his appearing before her in his
shirt was entirely owing to his presence of mind having forsaken
him. Bidding them good night, the Georgian promised to convey this
apology to his lady, and took his departure, as the two military
heroes went quietly to bed.
General Benthornham's was a double bedded room, and when morning
came, and the numerous pet birds in the house were tuning their
notes, and stray members of the seventh regiment, in their dashing
uniforms, might be seen passing down Broadway to their armory,
anxious lest some rival corps rob them of their laurels, and as
proud of their feathers as the whistling canaries, the general and
his guest still slept, but in such a position, and with such loud
snoring, that had a stranger entered the room he would have sworn
they had gone to bed prepared for battle, expecting at day light,
(the time most fashionable for duel fighting,) to open fire and
seriously damage each other's most dependable parts. Verily, reader,
do not make me the object of your invective, when I say that it is
extremely doubtful if the public at large, to which I am ready at
all times to pay homage, ever saw a general officer in his native
buff. And this I hold to be the reason why it is so prone to
overrate the mightiness of some of those warriors who dash up
Broadway on parade days, decked out in such a profuseness of
feathers. Indeed it has come to my knowledge that the greatest of
generals, when presented with that natural uniform in which their
worthy mothers gave them to the world, are in no one particular
unlike other men, and in truth that it is the splendid uniform that
invests them with an appearance of great possessions and power,
before which even great poets and scholars are ready to cast their
offerings. Taking this view of the case, then, I pray you to give
ear while I relate how the general and the major were seen in a
position which I venture to assert few truly great military men were
ever seen in, either during war or peace.
The beds in General Benthornham's room stood parallel with each
other, a narrow passage extending between. And, as I have before
stated that the weather was excessively warm, when the aid de camp,
a profusely feathered foreign gentleman, entered for the orders of
his chief, he found both heroes naked to the buff, with the broad
disc of their most dependable parts forming confronting batteries,
and their bodies making the letter C, very like snails after a
shower of rain. On the opposite sides were little tables, upon which
stood, within reach, bottles of congress water, decanters in which
the liquor had well nigh got to the bottom, and tumblers containing
the dregs of two very suggestive drinks called cocktails, all
provided at an early hour by a shrewd and very considerate waiter.
The aid was not a little abashed when he discovered the condition
his chief was in, and declared, in very good French, not a word of
which Benthornham could have understood had he been awake, that
although he had been aid to Garibaldi when he held possession of
Rome, and had served in numerous battles where he had to run for his
life, he never had seen general officers cut such figures, which he
would not have the brigade see for the world. Indeed, he thought
within himself that the sight was enough to have shocked either the
seventh or seventy-first regiments, both of which corps were
composed of young men of modesty and great respectability. The aid
touched his hat out of sheer respect to his sleeping superior, and
indeed saluted him according to the regulations of the service. But
as neither the general nor the major paid the slightest heed to
these courtesies and the aid was a man much given to paying all
deference to his superiors, he, without disturbing the general in
the least, drew up the sheet and laid it gently over him, as a means
of protecting his dignity from further damage. He also performed a
similar service for the major, who was snoring at a pace that can be
better imagined than described.
When the aid had performed the little services above described, he
paced the room for several minutes, undecided as to the next course
he should pursue. He had fully expected to find his superior officer
in a different uniform, and ready to issue his orders as became a
man of so much circumstance. As to the city's guest, he expected to
find him at least a respectable gentleman, and one who would take
some care of his person. He at length thought it advisable to give
the general a few gentle shakes, in the hope of restoring him to
consciousness; but, so sound was his sleep, that it became neces-
sary to use violence before even a perceptible motion was produced.
After considerable effort, however, he turned upon his face with a
loud guffaw, and then upon his back. In fine, he put himself in
various strange attitudes, puffed like a porpoise in an head sea,
and began swearing as never general swore before, that the wretch
who disturbed him of his slumbers should suffer for it at court
martial.
As the time for forming the brigade was near at hand, the aid very
naturally became more and more anxious. "Pardon me this liberty,
your honor," said he, addressing his superior, who was rubbing a
pair of swollen and very red eyes, "but the regiments are waiting
orders, and as the hour is late, the officers will be in much
suspense until they are issued."
"Order them," replied the general, "to get to their families, keep
respectable for the rest of the day, and then let them defy the
devil with their good behavior, for it is not yet light, and in all
my military experience (and I have had more than most men) I never
heard of a general being called up at midnight to review troops. Get
ye away to them, sir, and if they be not content with this order,
tell them the fault's none of mine; for if the devil come, you must
not disturb my sleep."
"It is my duty to carry your order, general," rejoined the colonel,
again touching his hat, "but I am sure it will not be obeyed, for I
have heard it said that the seventh regiment have a commendable fear
of the devil, and would rather have nothing to do with him." The
distinguished French gentleman was so puzzled at the conduct of his
superior officer, that he stood shrugging his shoulders, lifting his
mustache, and contorting his face into every imaginable expression.
At length he swore by Saint Peter, and one or two more of the
apostles, that if the general got not up in a trice, and issued his
order how to form the brigade, he would withdraw, report his
condition, and throw up his sword.
"Stop, sir," said the general, "let not a disrespectful word pass
your lips, or I order you under arrest, and sent to the devil, which
is a good enough punishment for Frenchmen." The colonel was about to
withdraw; but the general again peremptorily ordered him to stop,
and, after some effort, succeeded in getting his legs over the side
of the bed, and his body in an upright position; and, when he had
gazed about the room confusedly, and fumbled about for his drawers,
he said to the officer, "And now, sir, I change my mind, do you do
this: first order me a waiter! and when you have done it, see that
he be not a simpleton, but a good, honest fellow, who will assist me
to put on my uniform without keeping his hand to my nose, expecting
it to drop shillings. Then get this sleeping gentleman you see here
awake, for he is a person of much consequence, and, being the guest
of the city, (which I say, seeing how much wind the fathers have
wasted over him,) and a major who has seen service in Mexico, it
will be of much importance that he go with us. Then, sinking the
rules of the service for a few minutes, you must join us in a
morning glass, which will do you no injury, for I see you are every
inch a soldier. Then, go straightway to the general of brigade, tell
him to let the bands play till they have cracked their cheeks, and
earned their money, which they will not do unless you tell them. And
as I have not seen much of this general of brigade's skill, and have
heard it said that his brains are in his boots, tell him that the
general in command orders him to form the brigade, which, if he have
sense enough, he can do while I am putting on my breeches." Here the
general's lower lip dropped, he cast a confused look first on the
floor then at the feathered Frenchman, and then began tugging away
at his drawers, until his nightcap fell to the floor, followed by
his wig and numerous imprecations, for he was vain of his looks, and
thought himself a man whom any lady of taste might take for husband
with credit to herself. "Then," he resumed, "say I order him to
march the brigade up Broadway, in platoon, to Union Square; and let
the bands ring out music that shall rend the very air, send the rich
of the city to wondering, and crowd the streets with ragged
vagabonds. And as I am a soldier, I take it when this is done no man
dare say the brigade is not made up of heroes, every man of them; if
he do, let him be bayoneted! Call a halt, when you reach the square,
and there stand till I come, which will be when I have my horse."
After listening with great attention to the general's commands, the
aid again saluted, notwithstanding his chief was in his shirt, and
then set about waking up the major, which he succeeded in doing
after very many violent shakes, and at length seizing him by the
shoulders and raising him bodily to his haunches, on which he sat
endeavoring to disenchant his eyes, like the moody josch of a
mandarin. The major then set to shouting at the top of his voice,
exclaiming sundry queer commands, and making such strange flourishes
with his hands as at first caused the Frenchman to take him for a
madman.
It turned out, however, that he fancied himself mounted upon old
Battle, reviewing the Barnstable Invincibles, whom he was berating
right soundly for a set of stupid knaves. An invitation from the
general to join him and the aid in drinking a morning sweeper,
suddenly brought him to his understanding, and, after offering
numerous apologies for the distressed state of his person, said he
was not aware that the earliness of the hour prevented military men
and politicians from drinking one another's health, provided they
were of equal rank: he therefore begged the feathered Frenchman to
join him in drinking the health of General Benthornham, a gentleman
and a soldier; in fact, a man of whom the country was proud, for he
had seen wars enough to satisfy the ambition of any gentleman with a
military turn of mind. The general condescended a bow in return for
so flattering a compliment, and saying the best men were known by
their deeds, placed the glass to his lips and quaffed the mixture
with a wry face.
The aid now took his departure, with orders to his general of
brigade; and a servant having appeared, the two distressed officers,
still suffering from the effect of the revel, ordered a light
breakfast of coffee, toast, and eggs, which, when they had quaffed
the congress water, they devoured like true heroes, the superior
officer being not a little surprised at the facility with which
Major Roger Potter used his fingers, and discoursed of his wife,
Polly's, skill in preparing good breakfasts. They then ordered their
horses, the major giving particular directions how to saddle old
Battle, to the end that he might carry a standing tail, which was
rare with him. He also directed that his own holsters be mounted,
for, though they were shabby in appearance, no soldier could fail to
see that they had seen a deal of service, and would admire them the
more for it.
And now, gentle reader, lest you be deceived in either of my
military heroes, I will just mention, that the major retired to his
own room, and, having habited himself in his well worn uniform,
joined General Benthornham, who had also got himself into his
uniform, and taken up a position at the table, armed, not with his
sword, but a corpulent decanter, from which he was filling his
glass. The major never refused an invitation to join in a service
held so laudable by the profession, and filled his glass also. And
so strong was the beverage, that not many minutes had elapsed when
they found it extremely difficult to take a forward move without
oscillating from the line. As, however, the brigade was made up of
gentlemen, and not fighting soldiers, the general suddenly
remembered that it would not do to keep them waiting; and, taking
the major by the arm, they toddled (as if the floor were unsafe for
such good men to tread upon) down stairs, into the front hall, to
the no small delight of the numerous bystanders, who gave them all
the room required by their high positions.
And now, when the grooms brought the horses to the door, they were
astonished that so famous a major should ride an animal so shattered
in his appearance, and also travel with a pig who could match the
devil in cutting up antics. They therefore stood viewing him with
intense anxiety; and, as old Battle had the spring halt in his near
hind leg, they were sure the major, when mounted, must cut a figure
rarely presented in Broadway. And among the grooms there was one Bob
Totten, a man born and reared in Barnstable, and who had, many years
ago, been a fellow cordwainer in the same shop with the major.
"Faith," said he, in a voice loud enough to be heard by several of
the bystanders, "it's old Roger Potter, or my eyes deceive me, and
he used to follow the trade of tin peddling."
A group of ragged and vicious boys, attracted by the strange figure
cut by the major in his uniform, commenced dividing their jibes
between him and his horse, evincing not the slightest respect for
either. The question which should mount first was now mooted. The
major insisted that he would see his superior officer first in the
saddle; while the general argued, with equal plausibility, that
courtesy demanded that the major should mount first, he being the
guest of the city. They debated the point for some time; and at last
compromised the matter by agreeing to mount together. This
difficulty being settled, another of equal importance arose.
"You have brought me another man's horse," said the general, in an
angry tone; "and if I am known for my horsemanship, I value myself
too much to be kicked off by a colt."
"Faith, sir," replied the groom, "the horse is your own, and no
other man's; and a horse of steady enough habits he is, too."
The general, however, continued to pronounce him a strange horse,
and refused to be convinced until he had applied his spectacles.
And now, matters being arranged to their satisfaction, they mounted
amidst the shouts and screams of the boys; which was not to be
wondered at, for I venture to asset that young New York had never
before seen a major so strangely mounted. The noise and confusion,
however, was something old Battle was not accustomed to, for, though
he was an horse of uncommon good behavior, he now pricked up his
head and tail, and gave out such proofs of the youth that yet
remained in his bones, that it was with difficulty his rider could
manage him. The general, meanwhile, coursed up Broadway with the
lightness of a well mounted dragoon, turning in his saddle now and
then to ascertain what had become of the major, who, by dint of hard
labor, had got old Battle into a three-jog trot, and his head in the
right direction. The mischievous urchins, however, continued to
harass his rear, and so belabored his gambrels with whatever came to
hand, that he increased his pace wonderfully, and at the same time
made it so difficult for the major to keep his saddle that he
completely lost his temper, and swore he would ride over the whole
of them. But they ceased not to tease him; in truth, an urchin more
mischievous than the rest, lighted a bunch of fire crackers he had
tied to the end of a rod, and, with wicked intent, applied them to
old Battle's tail, so frightening him with the explosions that he
took to his heels and dashed up Broadway like a colt of three years,
spreading consternation among the promenaders, and causing numerous
timid people to seek shelter in doors. In truth, I very much doubt
whether John Gilpin ever frightened so many people, or caused so
many to look with astonishment. Onward he dashed, passing omnibuses
and other vehicles without number, (all of which made way for him,)
until he reached the New York Hotel, where he came up with the
general, whose horse took it into his head not to be outdone by so
shabby a charger, and, giving one or two springs, dashed up Broadway
with the fleetness of an Arabian filly.
Scarce had the general's horse taken this strange freak into his
head, when old Battle stumbled, fell full length upon the pavement,
and launched the major head foremost to the ground some yards in
advance. "I give my soul to my Maker, for now my end has come," said
he, "and I forgive all my enemies." A groan followed this
exclamation, his limbs seemed seized with spasms, and then for
several minutes he remained speechless. With the assistance of two
policemen and several sympathizing gentlemen, he was carried into
the New York Hotel, where the landlord kindly provided for him, and
made him as comfortable as it was possible until he called in a
physician, one Miliano, who had great skill in mending battered
skulls, and restoring life to half dead persons. As for the
general's horse, he dashed on until he reached Union Square, where
he made a bolt into the thickest of the brigade, which he scattered
in such confusion and dismay that they looked neither to the right
nor the left, but, depending upon their heels to save their valuable
lives, ran into the nearest open doors, leaving their muskets to
whomsoever saw fit to carry them off. And when the horse had reached
the Everett House, he, in evident malice, threw the general over his
head upon the pavement, when several persons rushed out and picked
him up for dead; but, instead of being dead, he proved to be the
soberest of men, and when he was upon his feet ordered the bravest
man to go in pursuit of his horse, who was proceeding up Fourth
Avenue, a terror to all pedestrians.