WHICH DESCRIBES SEVERAL STRANGE INCIDENTS THAT TOOK PLACE, AND MUST
BE RECORDED, OR THE TRUTH OF THIS HISTORY MAY BE QUESTIONED.
THE major concluded his narrative, but forgot to mention, that when
he returned home to his family, it was as plain Major Roger Potter-a
change he considered due to discretion, for the villagers were
extremely inquisitive, and might inquire by what process he was made
a general. And, as his military honor never failed him, so was it
brought into excellent use in gaining an advantage over the landlord
of the Astor.
The night was now far advanced, and as we were about retiring to
bed, Barnum entered, and, after debating various subjects, the
conversation turned upon the wonderful pig, Duncan. The major swore
he would not part with him for his weight in gold, as he intended
soon to place him under the care of Doctor Easley, who would so
cultivate his knowledge of German and other languages, as to take
the critics by surprise, and cause them to get up a controversy
concerning his talents, which was a fashion with them. And, as
neither Easley could be embarrassed with his charge, nor the charge
be ashamed of his tutor, who contemplated himself the greatest
living critic after Macaulay, he would prosecute his studies with
every advantage to himself, since, when he was brought forward for
public favor, Easley could not abandon his pupil, and, being well
paid, would consider himself in duty bound to write divers
panegyrics in his praise. But Barnum, who was as shrewd as the
major, though, perhaps, not so great a knave, persisted that such a
course of instruction, and with such a tutor, could not fail to
prove a grave injury, since the pig's talents were valuable only
because they were natural, and the more wonderful on that account.
As to Easley, he was but a dilapidated priest, much given to such
tricks as were common with them, and, being employed by numerous
publishers, who held him in high esteem as a critic, thought it no
harm to write profound essays on the very trashy books of very
sentimental school girls of sixteen. Barnum continued in this strain
until he convinced the major that it would not be safe to place so
gifted an animal under instructions to so capricious a critic as
Easley, who would surely damage his morals, as well as his manners.
He also declared that his dealings in monstrosities had got him into
numerous difficulties with editors and savans, which caused him to
contemplate giving it up, though he well knew the public appetite
for such things had not lessened a whit. And though the state of his
affairs were somewhat chronic, he thought, if he could get another
first class monstrosity, he could create an excitement that would
make his fortune, and send New York mad. He had thought of getting
up a clever imitation of the devil, which he was sure the public
would all rush to see, and had undertaken the enterprise, but that
he feared the editors would pick some flaw in him; for, though he
had made them a mermaid, and a wooly horse, they still complained of
his skill, and said he was not fit, when his friends suggested him
for President of the United States.
I finally witnessed an agreement between this wonderful man and the
major, by which the latter was to engage Duncan to the former at ten
dollars a night, for ten nights, the engagement then to expire, and
be open to further negotiations, according to the degree of favor
then established between the animal and the public. And, as an
evidence of his faith in the pig's talent, Barnum declared the first
wonderful feat he intended to perfect him in, was that of sitting in
state and presiding over primary meetings; and no man of sound sense
would say he had not talent enough for the office.
When, then, the bargain was completed, and the major had given an
order for the safe delivery of the pig into the hands of the
loquacious showman, he touched him on the arm, and said, with an air
of much sympathy, "Remember, sir, my affection for this animal makes
it not the easiest thing in the world for me to part with him. And
he was a great favorite with my wife Polly, who was so much attached
to him that she shed no few tears at his departure. Pray see well to
his behavior; and, as I take you for as good a Christian gentleman
as any of them, I would have you remember that he was brought up in
the care of the clergy, and can cut pranks enough if you let him
have his way, though, from what I have seen, I should judge he had
no love for the vulgar politics they delight to meddle with. Another
favor I have to ask is this-that you will not whisper the ownership,
lest the matter between us get to the ears of the editors, who would
make much of it to the damage of my reputation as a politician.
There is, also," he continued, in a whisper, "a little affair or two
outstanding, which might make it extremely inconvenient."
No sooner had the showman taken his departure, than three
distinguished generals entered, saying they had come to pay their
respects to a fellow in arms, whom it was the pleasure of the city
to honor. Each approached him with great gravity of manner, and,
after shaking him warmly by the hand, presented him with sundry
congratulations in what are called neat and appropriate speeches. To
which the major replied, thanking heaven that with clean hands and
various gifts of the head, he had served his country like a man;
and, as his mission was not yet filled, he hoped (if the devil
interposed no obstacles) yet to render his country a service such as
historians would write of. He now bade them be seated, and ordered
an abundance of good wine, of which they partook without objection,
and were soon as merry a set of fellows as ever bivouacked; for in
truth they readily discovered the mental deficiencies of the major,
and, to make up for the deception of which they were made victims by
the newspapers, resolved to enjoy the diversion afforded them by the
quaintness of the major, who, though he had never put foot in
Mexico, at once inquired of them the brigade they belonged to, and
what service they had seen in that country. The spokesman of the
party, whose bearing bespoke him a man acquainted with arms, and who
was as great a wag as Tim Bobbin, immediately answered by saying
that they were in the hottest of the battles of Palo Alto, Resaca de
la Palma, Metamoras, and Buena Vista. And not to say too much of
their bravery, he might mention that they were within smell of the
gunpowder that stormed the heights of Cerro Gordo. Indeed, they were
in so many battles, and bore away so many scars, that it was
impossible to remember them all.
"Faith, gentlemen, that is exactly the case with me," interrupted
the major, "for I was in so many, that if I had the memory of a
Sampson I could not keep them all at my tongue's end, though I
remember well enough what a buffeting we got at the storming of San
Juan de Ulloa. As to the brigade I was in, that's neither here nor
there; and whether it was the first or second will not be set down
against a man when he is dead. But if you will have proof that I
also was in the hottest of it, pray let your eyes not deceive you."
Here the major gave his head a significant toss, and waddled across
the floor to his wardrobe, from which he exultingly drew forth his
military coat and three cornered hat. The former was indeed an
ancient fabric, with which divers and sundry moths had made sad
havoc, though he held it before the light and swore, by not less
than three saints, the holes were all made by bullets. If either had
doubted this evidence of his valor, he was ready to strip to the
buff, and satisfy their eyes with the veritable scars. But they all
declared themselves satisfied that he had given sufficient proof of
his valor. Indeed, the odor that began to escape as he doffed his
coat, in earnest of his sincerity, was by no means pleasant, and
consequently hastened a favorable decision.
The major was more than ever elated that the affair should have
taken such a pleasant turn, and bid them fill their glasses, which
they were glad enough to do, with renewals at such short intervals
that the major, who was not to be outdone in number of glasses,
providing his patriotism was pledged in them, found himself in a
state of mental configuration, for he saw ghosts and dead warriors
by the dozen, all of which he would have sworn, in a court of law,
were real flesh and blood. In fine, he capered about the room like a
madman, feeling at his side for his sword, and swearing, by his
military reputation, that he would think no more of killing them
than he would so many Washington lobby agents.
Among these generals, there was a short, fat man, of the name of
Benthornham, who, with the exception that he was less pumpkin
bellied than the major, one might have supposed cast in the same
mould, for he was squint eyed, and had a red nose, in size and shape
very like a birch tree knot. Nor was he a whit behind the major in
tipping his glass; and though there was a review on the following
day, to which they had invited the major, out of sheer respect to
his fame, there was sufficient cause to apprehend that this General
Benthornham, (officer of the day though he was,) would not be sober
enough to appear. However, as they all boarded at the St. Nicholas,
one of the party suggested, that in order to pay becoming honor to
so distinguished a major, they invite him to General Benthornham's
room. And as the major never refused an invitation, especially when
it came from persons distinguished in the profession in which he
claimed to have won no small honors, he at once joined them, and
proceeded to the room aforesaid, where brandy and champagne, in
great abundance, were provided, and to which the major took with
such renewed avidity, that they began to think his bowels
vulcanized.
After they had plied him sufficiently with liquor, they insisted
that he relate some of the wonderful exploits he had performed in
war and politics, which he did, and with such an appearance of
truth, that the two who had not so far drenched their senses with
liquor as to be incapable of judging, whispered to themselves that
he was not so much of a fool after all; in fact, that there was so
much truth in what he said, that no man could doubt his being a real
and not a sham hero of the Mexican War. "It does not become me to
speak of myself, gentlemen," said the major, in conclusion, "but if
there was a war in Mexico I was not in, it was not worth calling a
war; and as for politics, why I have made twenty-eight speeches in a
month, and you may learn of their quality by inquiring of the people
of Barnstable, who used to praise them enough, God knows."
It being past midnight, the two sober generals withdrew, undecided
as to the major's mental qualities, and left him with General
Benthornham, whom he found no difficulty in soon talking into a
profound sleep. And this the major, who was not so far gone as to
forget what belonged to good manners, regarded as an indignity no
really great military man could suffer to pass unresented. He
thereupon mounted his three cornered hat and stalked out of the
room, in the hope of finding his own and going quietly to bed. But
such was the labyrinth of passages, that he lost his way, and
mistook for his own the bedroom of a fellow boarder, which was
natural enough considering the state of his optics. And though it
was an hour when every honest husband should be dividing his bed
with his better half, and all suspicions set at rest with the lock
on the door fast secured, the major found no difficulty in entering
this room, which he did with as little ceremony as he would drive
his tin wagon. But no sooner had he begun to doff his wardrobe, than
a figure quite resembling a ghost, with a pale, round face, and two
eyes of great luster, flamed in the crimped border of a very white
nightcap, rose up in the bed, and with an air of bewilderment, said,
"Charles, my dear, here it is almost morning, and you are but just
home. O, Charles!"
"Please, my good woman," spoke the major, pausing, and looking
surprised at the strange object he fancied in his bed, "you might
find better business than this. You must know, I am a man of family,
and have a wife, which is enough for any honest man. So if you will
just take yourself away like an honest woman, as I would have every
one of your sex, I will say no more, for I have heard of these
tricks, and am not ready to be robbed of my character."
The figure now gave sundry screams, which echoed and reechoed along
the passages, and brought not only the watchmen of the house, but a
dozen or more boarders, all in their night dresses, and nearly
frightened out of their wits, to the scene of distress. Several
courageous ladies, with threatening gestures, ventured to say he
ought to be well hanged, (the good for nothing fellow!) for
attempting such liberties at that hour. Others said military men
were all alike.
"Hi! hi! what's here to do?" exclaimed the head watchman, a burly
fellow of forty, as he made his way through a barricade of night
gowns. "Come, sir, you must take yourself away from here. You have
insulted the lady; have intruded yourself where you have no right;
and if you get not away before her husband comes, he will cut you to
bits." ("He is a Georgian, and would rather have his wife dead than
another man make free with her," whispered a bystander, as the
watchman admonished the major by taking him by the arm.)
The major, however, stood with his nether garments in his hands,
like one bewildered, muttering, as his eyes blinked in the bright
gas light, which one of the courageous females had ignited: "I would
have you know, ladies, that I am known for my gallantry, and am a
man who would share his meal any day with a lone female. And if you
will give me peace by taking this lady away, I will forgive her, and
beseech heaven to do the same. I may tell you that I am Major Roger
Sherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter; but I say this
not of myself, for I take it you know me well enough."
The distressed female now stood erect in her night robes, screeching
at the top of her voice, for she believed a madman had entered her
room, and went straight into a fit of hysterics, while the watchman
and numerous of the female bystanders gathered around the major, and
would have torn him to pieces, but for a clergyman, who suddenly
made his appearance, in his shirt and spectacles, and commenced
reading them a lesson on the qualities of mercy.
But while the parson and one of the bystanders were offering all
sorts of apologies for the major, which were having their effect on
the females, who, on discovering the nature of the accident, enjoyed
the joke exceedingly, the husband of the lady, being informed of
what had occurred by one of the waiters, who knew the truant's
haunts at any hour, came rushing into the room, and without waiting
for an explanation, set upon the major with the fury of a goaded
tiger, and when he had belabored him with a cudgel until they all
declared there was not life enough in him to last till day light,
drew a knife, and had despatched him on the spot, but for General
Benthornham, who, being called upon to quell the outbreak, had armed
himself with his sword, and came toddling into the room in his shirt
and night cap, his soppy face and red nose made scarlet with
excitement, and presenting so sorry a figure that the courageous
females scampered away to their rooms, and covered their blushes
with the sheets.
"Heavens!" exclaimed the general, resting the point of his sword on
the floor, "what's here to do?" In another moment he advanced
between the contestants, and with his sword struck the knife from
the uplifted hand of the Georgian, and commanded him to spare the
life at his mercy. "Pray, sir," said he, "don't forget to be
merciful, for he is a military gentleman of distinction, and I am
sure it was an accident you will readily forgive when it is
explained." The Georgian replied, that it had become a fashion with
military men to carry their gallantry a little too far with females,
and rather than regret the trouncing he had given the major, he
hoped the example would have its effect.
The landlord now made his appearance, and seeing the city's guest in
such a plight, inquired into the cause, but could get no
satisfactory account of it; and being scrupulous of the reputation
of his house, he enjoined them to keep the affair as quiet as
possible, lest it get to the ear of the editors, who would take
great pride in using it to his damage. He then closed the door and
endeavored to raise the major to his feet, but he was so like a dead
man, and had lost so much good red blood, that the landlord became
seriously alarmed, and had a doctor, who boarded in his house, at
once called in. The doctor, when he had felt his pulse and ribs for
some time, said the case was a little doubtful, but he had skill
enough to mend it. Indeed, to tell the truth, it only required a
plaster or two, and a purgative, to restore him to perfect health.
When the major had gained the use of his tongue, however, he
declared he had at least seven broken ribs, and he knew not how many
cracks in his skull, for it felt like a fractured cocoanut.
And while the doctor was administering his balms to the patient, the
Georgian was endeavoring to pacify his wife, who, with the aid of
hartshorn and sundry other restoratives, was in a fair way of
recovery. General Benthornham, in the meantime, continued to pace
the room, so much absorbed in his endeavor to preserve the peace of
the house, as to be unconscious of the figure he was cutting.
"And now, gentlemen," said the general, in a foggy voice, "as the
lady has received no damage, either to her reputation or person, and
you are both gentlemen, I think the little affair can be reconciled,
if the major will but explain the mistake with as much delicacy as
he is capable of."
"Indeed," replied the major, "I am sure the gentleman will be
satisfied that I meant no wrong to his lady, who I thought had got
into my room instead of my getting into her's, by mistake as it
turns out, when I tell him how it happened. The people where I was
raised know me for a peaceable man; and now that I have become a
politician, it behooves me to take care of what little character I
have, which is not the case with all of them. And God knows I
treated the lady with courtesy; for, rather than prove unfaithful to
my wife Polly, I bid her take herself away." The major said this in
such a tone of humility, that although it left the matter more
confounded in the Georgian's mind, it so affected his feelings that
he began to regret having dealt so severely with him, and earnestly
desired to know the origin of the affair, which the major at once
related with great simplicity of manner, and finally, laid all the
blame to the strength of the liquor he had indulged in during the
evening. General Benthornham had, in the meantime, taken a seat
where the bright glare of the gas shone full upon his face, and as
the major proceeded with his narrative, would every now and then
interpose an approving, "See that now!"
When the major had finished his story, the lady was affected to
tears, and besought her husband to make the gentleman such amends as
the case demanded. But, indeed, that was unnecessary, for the
Georgian had become so affected that he would have gone upon his
knees and offered the major any apology he might in reason demand.
But the lady sprang to her feet, and saying she would dress the
injured man's wounds with her own hands, proceeded to her beaureau
and with her cologne bottle and sponge set about bathing his
temples, and performing such other little kindnesses as pleased the
major wonderfully, and made him declare he believed it the fate of
every truly great public man to suffer in this way. In truth, he was
not so sure that we appreciated it to the extent of its value, for
it disciplined a man and prepared his mind for meeting the great
things that were required of it in this world. "I have no fears of
my reputation, madam," he concluded, "but being the guest of the
city, I fear if my enemies see the bruised condition of my head,
they will say I have had a difficulty with an alderman." While they
were each trying to emulate the other in consoling the major in his
distress, the lady, who had just then discovered the singular plight
General Benthornham was in, caught sight of his bare extremities,
which so affected her that she shrieked, and swooned in the arms of
her husband.