IN WHICH MAJOR ROGER POTTER IS FOUND ALMOST SUFFOCATED; AND HOW HE
DECLARES THAT MEN OF LOWLY BIRTH BECOME DANGEROUS WHEN ELEVATED TO
POWER.
THE writer of this history, remembering how his mother admonished
him to be virtuous and prudent, retired quietly to bed before the
passions of the high functionaries had caused so violent an
outbreak. And though his regard for the major's reputation was of
the tenderest kind, he slept soundly, feeling sure that there was
nothing in the list of misfortunes the major was incapable of
overcoming. It was with no little surprise, then, that I was awoke
by the landlord on the following morning, and told that Major Roger
Potter was no where to be found. He regretted having such people in
his house; but said it would shorten the account of his misfortunes,
if he could but find the missing guest, for it was his custom to
treat all men with courtesy.
On repairing to the parlor, which we did as speedily as possible,
proof of what had taken place on the previous night lay strewn all
over the floor. There, too, lay the major's three cornered hat, as
if sitting in judgment upon a promiscuous heap of bottles. But this
was the only vestige of the missing hero. At length a sort of
murmuring sound was heard, as of some one in great distress. Seeing
the landlord much perplexed, I listened with anxious attention, and
soon discovered the sound to resemble very much that made by the
major over the bruising given him by Captain Luke Snider. On
approaching the closet door, it was found to be locked, and the
landlord declared there was no space for one so stout within its
bounds. Deeming it prudent, however, the lock was turned, to the
great delight and relief of the major, who came forth like an half
roasted rhinoceros, heaved a sigh, and swore by no less than three
saints, as soon as he gained the use of his tongue, that the fellow
who turned the key on him was no friend.
"I am marvelously fond of retirement, I would have you know," he
spoke, with an air of much concern, "but I choose not to sacrifice
my life in this way, for it is a device of the devil, and those in
league with him." He emerged from the rubbish half dead with fear,
and continued for some minutes proclaiming the baseness and
treachery of the act. Then clasping the landlord by the hand, he
besought him to be his friend while he took revenge of the enemies
who had played this trick upon him.
"Pray be comforted, sir, for these things are mere trifles, and a
great man is never so great as when he forgets his misfortunes,"
said he, "and heaven knows it has all gone wrong with me. You, sir,
have a position I lay no claim to."
"Ah!" replied the major, "it is because I have a position, and think
of it, that aggravates my misery. And though I am ready to confess
that I owe my deliverance to your wisdom and prudence, I begin to
think that power is most to be feared when entrusted to men who have
been brought up in servitude; for among their many accomplishments
they do not include that which teacheth every man who would take
care of the nation, to bear in mind, that he serves her best who
thinks least of himself. A mule may bray, but it takes an ass to be
an ass. I have been these twenty years, sir, serving my country; and
I take to myself no little credit that I have served it as well as
any of them, of which my secretary can bear testimony." Here the
major turned to me for a word of approval. The landlord now put
several questions to him concerning his adventures in Mexico and
elsewhere, to all of which he gave such extraordinary answers, that
he felt assured that whatever eccentricities he might be guilty of
at times, he had at least a vigorous understanding, and was as great
a man as had come that way for many a day. And so completely did the
landlord, who appreciated genius of the highest order, when it did
not conflict with his interests, fall in with all the major's
crotchets, that he would have written sonnets in his praise, but for
the danger of entering upon so hazardous an occupation. He now
condoled him for having fallen into the hands of such political
vagabonds as had brought disgrace upon his house, and who he swore
would bring disgrace upon any house that had doors open to them.
After a moment of deep thought, the major turned to the landlord,
and with great earnestness of manner, said: "Since, sir, I have
suffered no loss, let us think no more of these little distresses,
for they so discipline a man, that if he have a heart it must be
made capable of overcoming those obstacles all great men find in
their way. We both agree on this point, Mr. Landlord. And since that
matter is settled, if you have no objection, I will join you at
breakfast, where we will debate several little matters concerning my
mission."
The landlord smiled, and expressed his delight at such an act of
condescension, which was rare in so great a man.
The major then made a hasty toilet, and together they entered the
western dining room, the size and splendor of which quite astonished
him, for the walls were inlaid with mirrors from the ceiling to the
floor, and reflected the guests and each object with which the table
was set out, while the ceiling overhead was decorated with frescoes
and stucco work tipped with gold. Observing many fine ladies
present, the major, out of sheer respect to his military reputation,
made them all one of his most courteous bows before taking a seat,
at which they were not a little diverted.
The landlord being himself a politician of no mean order, asked the
major what he thought would be the effect of the repeal of the
Missouri Compromise.
"That, sir," replied the major, "depends entirely upon how the
people take it. If they hold their peace, then there will be peace.
But if these humanity mongers, who would break the peace of the
nation to get a new issue on the nigger question, get to kicking up
a dust, then there will be no peace. It must certainly be confessed,
that niggers ought to thank heaven that they are as well off as they
are; and those who say otherwise know not what they say. I also hold
it an advantage in political economy, that we keep the lazy rascals
where by selling them we can pocket the money when occasion
requires."
The landlord was now satisfied that his guest was at least right on
this all important question of "niggers," though as many inferences
might be drawn from his answer as from a speech of Senator Douglas
respecting the territories.
Among other things, the major noticed that not a few of the ladies
were deeply absorbed in reading the morning papers, and this so
excited his curiosity that he must needs inquire of the landlord
what it meant, when he was told that they contained an accurate
account of what took place on the previous night, including his
speech, which was so perfect a piece of composition, embracing so
many subjects, and discovering a power to penetrate the designs of
the enemy so truly wonderful, that not only his friends, but every
lady at the table was commending him for it. "It is generous of
them," returned the major, squinting across the table; "but I would
have you know, I am a favorite with the ladies wherever I go, and
being naturally tender hearted, I have known times when they would
embrace me most affectionately. I say this between ourselves, for
their fondness was beyond my expectation." Having ordered a copy of
the Herald, (a journal which had for many years furnished the major
his political, philosophical, and diversional reading,) he there
found not only that he had made a speech of rare eloquence, but one
of the most delightful as well as minute biographies of himself ever
written. In truth, he was there made the hero of so many exploits as
to make this history entirely unnecessary. I ought to mention,
however, that the sagacious reporters were cautious not to mention
the affair which caused the polite landlord to eject the high
officials from his house. This gave an additional charm to the whole
concern, and so elated the major as to entirely take away his
appetite. Indeed, he resolved from that moment, let whatever come,
to travel no farther without a reporter of his own. They made the
very best sort of speeches, and could make and unmake great men with
a facility truly astonishing, usually laying the greatest stress
upon the smallest things.
When breakfast was over, the landlord drew the major aside, and
requested as a favor that he would listen to what he said.
"Understand me, sir," he said, with a look of concern, "you are
welcome in my house, but I fear there are difficulties creeping in
that may lessen our friendship if left unexplained. I see you are a
man of great mental power, a stranger, and a gentleman, therefore
you cannot be expected to know the great distress our aldermen, who
are much given to ceremonies of this sort, have brought upon several
honest men. You see, sir, how fond they are of the bottle, and as
there are only two hundred dollars set apart for the bill at my
house, which will not square last night's bill at the bar, pray give
them a hint, for their generosity knows no bounds at times; and if I
present a bill somewhat over the mark, I am laughed at, and set down
for a confirmed fool."
"I see you are an honest man," replied the major, "and it is a pity
your house should be damaged by persons who have not the fear of
bills before their eyes, though they have the gold of the city at
their command. But, sir, let your thoughts incline the most
favorable way, for I have some two hundred dollars of my own, as
well as a horse and pig of such rare qualities that I already begin
to see the fortune they will bring to me." The major now continued
giving such a wonderful account of his animals as excited the
landlord's curiosity, and made him express a desire to see them. And
as nothing so pleased the major as to show his animals to every new
acquaintance, he doffed his uniform, and putting on his suit of
Uxbridge satinet, which rather increased the rotundity of his
figure, sallied forth to the stable, and there found old Battle
quietly eating hay in the stalls, and the pig fast locked up in his
cage. A groom led the limping animal out, and as he hobbled along
the floor, a perfect Bucephalus in the major's eyes, the landlord
could not comprehend how so sensible a gentleman could become so
infatuated with a horse that was as lean as a lantern, unless he be
a knave. But notwithstanding the miserable plight he was in, he soon
began to raise his head and tail, evidently out of regard at seeing
his master, and gave out such other signs of what there was in him,
as convinced the landlord he was a horse of some metal, though he
would not bring an eagle in the market. And here the major commenced
to give an account of the many adventures he had performed with this
noble animal, when the landlord interposed by saying, "I admire your
enthusiasm, major, but as I have no love for practical jokes, you
may put your frame in the stalls, for he will need all the care you
can bestow upon him."
"Pray, sir, reserve your anger, for you have not had time to fully
comprehend his many good qualities," replied the major, not a little
grieved at the landlord's remarks.
He next visited his pig, who rose quickly to his feet, and commenced
making signs of friendship to his master. "This pig, I assure you,
sir," said the major, "was brought up in the care of the clergy, was
the lead pig of one Felix Shulbert, a poor parson, who on losing his
church took to the business of swine driving." The landlord was much
amused at the simplicity with which the major related the history of
this wonderful pig, who now came jumping out of his cage, to the
great delight of numerous bystanders, and cut up so many queer
pranks that they were ready to swear him possessed of the devil. He
would run to the major on hearing his name called; he would turn
somersets; he would walk on his hinder feet; he would point with his
nose to any letter of the alphabet he was commanded; and, no doubt,
with a little more training, he could have delved the mysteries of
destiny with a facility that neither medium nor clairvoyant could
have excelled. If, then, the lookers on were at first delighted,
they now stood amazed, and declared that so sensible an animal had
never before been brought to the city. "I have been told, sir," said
the major with an air of self-satisfaction, "that you have in your
city one Barnum, a man of much note, who is reputed to have become
rich of dealing in deformed monstrosities, and though an honest man
enough as the world goes, has had a strange history written of
himself. And this history, I am told, has been much praised by the
critics, though truly it is nothing but a tissue of certain
deceptions practiced upon a credulous public-"
"You are right, there," interrupted the landlord; "he has made fools
of so many of his fellows, that his imitators regard his tricks as
so many virtues, which the public are ready to applaud. But as your
pig is truly a wonder, you will do well to get him in the hands of
this clever gentleman, for then his fame will be blown trumpet
tongued over the land, people will rush to see him, and the critics,
being well paid, will write all sorts of things of his talents. You
may then let the devil take the rest, which is the way the world
goes."
And while they were thus conversing, this clever man stalked in,
much to the surprise of every one present, though it was said of
him, that he could smell a monstrosity at the distance of a hundred
miles. After fixing his scrutinizing eye upon the animal, and
witnessing several of his tricks, which he performed with great
agility, he commenced casting reflections upon his performances,
saying he had talent enough, but it was of so crude a kind, that he
would require no end of practice before it would do to bring him
before a discriminating audience. As for the critics, it was no hard
matter to keep them right; but it might give rise to a question at
the Press Club, that would seriously endanger its harmony. He,
however, began to inquire what the major thought about terms. To use
a vulgarism very common at this day, he began to "pump him," in
regard to the value of the animal's services. And here I must leave
him for the present.