WHICH CAREFULLY RECORDS WHAT PASSED BETWEEN THE MAJOR AND THE
MAYOR-HOW THEY MADE SPEECHES, AND WERE SERENADED.
WE are an exacting people, frequently requiring too much of our
great men, and achieving in a week what it took ordinary nations,
such as Greece and Rome, years to perform. Therefore I hold it right
that we be cautious how we trust the recording of every great event
to such witty but careless historians as Bancroft and Prescott, who
are much given to pleasing descriptions of wonderful revolutions,
but entirely overlook the battered and bruised hero, for the purpose
of making others to their fancy.
You must know, then, that this mayor, Don Fernando, (he bore no
resemblance to the Don Fernando of Don Quixote,) advanced with the
gravity and solemnity of one whose business it was to kill giants;
for though he was a man of much humor, he had a necromantic facility
for dissembling, and could declare before high heaven his innocence
of any crime laid at his door, and in the very next breath issue an
order giving peace and comfort to pickpockets. And while I am
writing of this great man, I may mention that if there was any one
thing more than another he was famous for, it was a curious
infatuation for great placards, in which he enjoined all good
citizens to preserve the peace, at the same time commanding his
worthy vassals, the policemen, to crack the skulls of all who came
in their way.
Tall of figure, with a pale and long visage, which he prided himself
resembled the visage of an equally great man, he advanced at a pace
indicative of one who felt the grandeur of his position. The major
was at first not a little surprised at the manner of his visitor;
but being himself a dabster at great things, he soon recognized the
quality of the new comer, and came forth to meet him in all his
uniform, not even forgetting his three cornered hat, which he passed
with his left hand while making an unexceptionable bow.
Unembroidered greatness-yes, naked greatness, stripped of all
falsehood and pretence, and such only as is worthy of governing an
honest world, which it would generously do, but for the trifling
inconvenience to itself, was here represented in these two great
men-the Scylla and Charybdis of these wonderful times. The only
perceptible difference in their prowess was, that the mayor stood at
least a head and a half taller than the major. Both had begun making
unexceptionable bows, when Alderman Dan Dooley, seeing the
embarrassment that might occur, came resolutely forward, (having
first set down the bottle from which he had replenished Councilman
Finnigan's glass,) and addressing the mayor, said, "Faith, then, I
ask no greater enterprise than to serve yer 'onor, seein' how ye
know the dacency one great man owes to another. By my faith, then,
I'm deloighted to prisent ye to the gintleman we all mane to 'onor.
Faith, an' it's himself's before ye, Meiger Roger (stay! what the
devil is it now?) I have it. Meiger Roger Jefferson Potter!"
"Major Roger Sherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter!"
the major interrupted, with a deferential bow.
"Faith, an' the neame atween the two's no matter onyhow!" rejoined
Mr. Alderman Dooley, who, having left the two great men to
themselves, again took to the bottle, and continued serving himself
and his friend with an experience in every way worthy of so great an
alderman.
"Pray, sir," said Fernando, with a gracious smile, "take nothing
amiss that our worthy friend says." And here he blushed, and seemed
not a little mortified at the pranks of his favorite alderman,
though they were natural enough to the condition he was in. "He
means well," resumed the mayor, dryly, "and is an honest alderman,
though given to drink at times. And now, since fortune has been so
kind as to grant me the opportunity of paying my respects to one so
worthy of admiration, let me congratulate you upon your safe arrival
in the city. I have the power, and it will be my pleasure to see
that the public acknowledgements you have merited are properly
bestowed." The major here interrupted by reminding the mayor that he
had, on the advice of a very good friend, declined all public
ovations.
"As to that," continued Fernando, "fashion has made it necessary to
say these little things; for a great man is never so great as when
he seeks to avoid homage. And we are not always bound to say what we
mean."
"As to my greatness, sir," replied the major, "I will leave that to
others; for it is no trifling thing for a man who has done all he
can for his country to be snuffed out by the envious pen of some
rascally scribbler for the newspapers. Let us think well of
ourselves, and leave the rest to our friends."
"Truly, major, you are of my way of thinking, for that is precisely
what I do."
"And because you do, you have risen to your present proud position!"
interposed the major. "Being a military man, I would have you know
that I am no flatterer, but a man who loves peace, and hates the
devil and all his arrogant vassals. Your fame, sir, has gone over
the land; and as to your greatness, I bow to that, for I have heard
many good men testify to it; and now that I see it with my own eyes,
written all down the length of your person, no man shall speak ill
of you-in my presence! And as you have embarked in great
undertakings, may heaven grant you power to carry them to a
successful issue."
"As what you have said concerns me much, accept my thanks; for it is
the good opinion of men like yourself that pleases me. I have now
many difficulties on hand, it is true; but when I have conquered,
and shown myself superior to my enemies, I will lay up my sword,
give my hand to the people, and my heart to enjoining heaven to
grant me repose. The bent of my ambition, sir, would have no
difficulty in finding its way but for those wonderful men, the
editors, who lay a new born child at my door every day, and think it
no harm to set the country by the ears, though they are glad enough
when men of our stamp step in to conciliate matters."
They thus spent ten minutes in pleasant conversation, complimenting
one another, evidently not a little pleased with themselves, and
resolved not to leave the settling of their preeminent prowess to
any one else. Indeed, the scene enacted between the mayor and the
major would have become extremely affecting but for Alderman
O'Toole, who, being a man of much understanding, proposed that they
seal their friendship with a little brandy and water. Neither having
any scruples in the matter, they filled their glasses with much pomp
and circumstance. "And now, gentlemen," said Mr. Alderman O'Toole,
"I propose the health of your honors together; for barring General
Pierce, greater men never lived, as myself knows." They bowed and
emptied their glasses to this toast, at which several of those
present were not a little amused. The mayor, who was, with his many
other traits of character, sufficiently versed in strategy to
extricate himself from any snare, said he felt constrained to say a
few words in return for the compliment, and was about making a
speech on the spot. Happily a waiter entered at the moment, bearing
in his hand a plate of cold chicken, which so excited Don Fernando's
appetite that he thought no more of his dignity, but seized upon the
best meated leg, and holding it daintily between his fingers, and
applying his teeth, never stopped until he had stripped it clean to
the bone. And while engaged in this laudable enterprise, they were
surprised by a band of musicians in the street, playing "Hail to the
Chief." The night was dark, and on looking out of the window, it was
discovered that the musicians were some twenty grim looking Germans,
with very long beards and longer brass instruments, with which they
seemed determined to perforate ten ragged newsboys, who, with the
picture of rascality written on their mischievous faces, stood
holding as many pitiful tallow candles almost under the noses of the
windy fellows, whose eyes were on their notes. When the band ceased
playing, the throng cheered and kept up a loud calling for the
major, who, the mayor said, must go out and make a speech, for it
would not do to offend them by keeping silent. He also deemed it
prudent to caution the major against saying what he really thought.
In truth, he whispered in the major's ear that he must mind and
strike the popular point; and when touching upon anything of great
moment, be careful to so construct his sentences that they embody a
double meaning. As to promises, he must be sure to make enough of
them, only let it be on the principle that promises are always
expected to take care of themselves. When the major had listened
sufficiently to the admonitions of the mayor, he repaired to the
balcony, where he was so surprised to find several ladies, dressed
with great taste and splendor, that his modesty became much taxed,
though they saluted him with becoming courtesy. The crowd outside,
which was now rampant of disorder, recognized in the short,
corpulent figure before them, with the red hair standing erect upon
a turnip-like head, the man of their wish, whom they greeted with
three deafening cheers. The major bowed and spread his hands, in the
left of which he held the engrossing emblem of his dignity, his
three cornered hat.
"Gentlemen!" said he, in a voice somewhat shaky, "I thank you for
this great honor, which I may or may not have merited. You know it
does not say much for a man that he speaks of himself; but this I
will say, that the man who serves his country for his country is the
man for me. If you, being people of high quality and much respect,
(I never judge men from what they seem on the outside, not I!) shall
give me your confidence, I warrant you shall see I am no
unscrupulous politician!" Here the throng sent up a loud cheer, and
tapered it off with three tigers. "Ah! that is what I like," resumed
the major; "I always did like the music of the Democracy. It sounds
as if it was the free offering of hearts innocent, and not given to
retrieve." "Intrigue," whispered Don Fernando, correctively, as he
stood close behind the major, evidently delighted at the good temper
of those about him. "Exactly!" bowed the major, "intrigue was what I
meant to say!" Affected either by the strangeness of the scene, or
his anxiety for the welfare of his much valued animals, he continued
in this incoherent strain for some minutes, but said not a word of
his early whiggery, or the affair of the Yacht Club. Many of the
persons outside now began to marvel at the strangeness of his
speech, and to think him not so much of a politician after all. In
truth, although he said much about our liberties, and was several
times jeered with the question as to what he thought "about
niggers," not a few puzzled their brains to find out to what manner
of politician he belonged. And as he concluded by enjoining them to
be good fathers, dutiful husbands, and honest men, which three
virtues were sure to secure the blessings of heaven, the puzzle
became still greater. And yet the throng cheered vociferously. When,
then, he had concluded, he wiped the perspiration from his brow,
fritted his finger through his beard, and shook hands with several
of the ladies, who still thought him a great man, in whose strange
speech there was much those acquainted with the politics of the
nation could perfectly understand.
Again the music ceased, and loud calls were made for Don Fernando,
who always had an apology when invited to make a speech, and an
excuse for making it on the second invitation, which he never failed
to accept. In fine, I say it with no intention of satire, that Don
Fernando never let an opportunity to make a speech slip through his
fingers, though three invitations, as he held, were necessary to one
speech. In truth, he regarded invitations as losing nothing in their
passage, when they concerned great men; for it was a rule with our
best politicians to make reluctance a virtue.
After repeated calls, then, Don Fernando turned to address the
multitude, and said in a speech of some twenty minutes, much that
they had heard before, and expected to hear again. He cautioned them
to look well to their liberties, though it were good to be careful
how they were found breaking the peace and men's heads. I would
mention here, that this singular admonition was induced by the
presence of some six or seven of Don Fernando's old friends among
the throng outside. And these worthy men commenced their favorite
avocation with such shouts as-"Go it Fernando! Fernando and
liberty!" And when they had thus deported themselves to their
satisfaction, they took to demolishing the trombones of the players,
as if such amusement was to their taste.
Don Fernando concluded his speech by saying, he saw in the persons
present, the great and glorious elements of our expanding
civilization. Kind providence just then sent a refreshing shower, as
if in pity at the condition of the raiment his listeners were clad
in. And this sent many to their homes; but the more patriotic had no
fear of a shower, and seemed not inclined to leave until they had
heard a speech from Mr. Alderman Dan Dooley, for whom they called
loudly. These calls were seconded by persons on the balcony, who out
of sheer derision, demanded his presence with so much earnestness as
convinced the loquacious Dooley that history and his friends would
not be content without a word from him on this great occasion. But
Don Fernando well knew that the reporters, as was customary with
them, would embellish that one word rather curiously, for they were
kind to him, and invariably made him say all the witty things they
could think of.
"Upon my word, Mr. Dooley," whispered Don Fernando, "the thing has
ended well; and it strikes me we have had speeches enough for the
evening."
"Faith!" exclaimed the Alderman, "I'm contint to lave them with the
spaech of yir 'oner."
Mr. Dooley, if the truth must be told, was not in a condition to get
off smooth sentences, though his deportment would have afforded much
diversion. And as good speeches lost nothing by keeping, he resolved
not to let his off just yet. And so completely was Don Fernando
master of the Alderman, that he sauntered, or rather oscillated into
a corner, and sat down.
The small hours of morning had well nigh come, when Don Fernando,
without change in the dignity of his bearing, took his departure;
expressing, as he left the door, the great pleasure it would give
him to receive the major at the City Hall on the morrow. And when he
was gone, the committee of reception thought no more of him, but
drew their chairs round the major, and with divers friends of the
same hue and circumstance, commenced showering upon him no end of
compliments, declaring him to be the father of more political
reforms than Jefferson and Washington ever dreamed of.
When their generosity had come sufficiently mellowed, and the
landlord had declared his inability to furnish any more whiskey, and
Mr. Councilman Finnigan began to see ghosts and murderers by the
dozen, all of which he would have sworn were real, and set about
thrashing with the gallantry of a true Irish gentleman, Mr. O'Toole
proposed that the major become a citizen of New York, when he would
wager any amount of money to make him next mayor of the city.
"I cannot say I would be equal to the duties, gentlemen, for I have
never been mayor. My services, (except now and then,)"-here the
major filled his glass-"have been for the army and politics, which I
take it have nothing to do with setting a city to rights. If
spitting an enemy, getting up a riot, and giving peace and comfort
to them who have a taste for breaking heads, be things which a mayor
must be an adept at, then you may trust me, gentlemen," said the
major, giving his hand to Alderman Dooley in pledge of his faith.
Alderman Baggs, who was a man of much wind, and extremely fond of
making speeches on these great occasions, though in this instance he
had peaceably pursued his advances upon the bottle, and left the
speeches to others, proposed that instead of mayor, which after all
was no great affair of an office, he immediately set on foot a
project for making the major President of the United States. The
major, he said, had surely evinced ability enough.
"What you please-make what you please of me, gentlemen, for I am
your servant, and the good servant is known by his work-that I know!
And if it is your will that I should be President, my highest
ambition shall be to serve you to the best of my ability. This I may
say, give me the power, as my wife, Polly Potter, used to say, and I
will hang fillibusters to your satisfaction."
An alderman of the name of Billy Bristle, who was known to have a
slight inclination for fillibustering, and had more than a score of
times pledged the city to the measures of gentlemen that way
inclined, having just looked in to pay his respects to the city's
guest, rose quickly to his feet at hearing so bold a proposal to get
rid of his friends, and declared his readiness to fight any
gentleman who would say a word damaging to the character of the
fillibusters. Alderman Dooley, between whom and Alderman Bristle, an
old grudge had stood for some time unsettled, cast a frown upon the
assertion, and declared that the language held was an implied
insult, whereupon he measured with his stalwart arm the distance
between his body and the Alderman's nose. This being the signal for
a grand set to, which was had in right good earnest, the scene of
confusion that followed no one need attempt to describe, unless he
have the pen of a Balzac. Tumblers and broken chairs being the order
of weapon most in use, and the major not being skilled in the use of
such arms, lost no time in retreating to a dark closet, where,
closely packed among sundry old clothes and house rubbish, he
congratulated himself by saying: "Now, as I am a military man, and
have no taste for this sort of fighting, I will look well to my
head, and let them have the glory."
The landlord had paced his halls in great tribulation for some time,
for he saw he had been grievously taken in, and that the damage to
the reputation of his house would be four fold what he would get of
the city for all his trouble. Seeing, then, his house in a state of
confusion, and having fears for the good name of his patron saint,
he rushed into the room, crying, "Gentlemen! gentlemen! pray leave
my house, for though I see you are guardians of the city, you seem
to have as little respect for the reputation of my house, which is
my bread, as you have for the good order of the city. Pray get away
from here, and what you have had shall be given for charity's sake."
Seeing they were not inclined to respect his admonition, he called a
posse of policemen, and ordered them to clear his house of the
miscreants; but they, seeing it was their own masters who were
deporting themselves in this disorderly manner, merely shook their
heads and walked away. In this dilemma, for the landlord saw he
could not get of the police what he paid for, he called some two
score of his own servants, who, having no respect for high officials
who do not respect themselves, were not long in tumbling them into
the street; and would have had Major Roger Sherman Potter following
them, if he could have been found!