IN WHICH MAJOR POTTER ENCOUNTERS A SWINE DRIVER, AND TRADES WITH HIM
FOR AN INTELLIGENT PIG.
A VOICE crying "Schew, ho! schew, ho!" broke louder and louder upon
the ear, until, beneath a cloud of dust, there appeared the snouts
of some twenty lean swine, scenting the road from side to side, as
if in search of food. They were followed at a short distance by a
tall, square shouldered man, dressed in the homespun of the country.
He carried a pair of steelyards over his shoulder, and was
accompanied by his dog, a sharp eyed sagacious animal, that every
few minutes coursed into the bushes by the roadside, and kept the
swine in proper marching order.
The major was thrown into ecstasies at what he deemed an auspicious
opportunity for another trade, and began to count his profits ere he
had come up with the swine driver. A few minutes more, and the swine
driver cried out at the top of a voice that seemed to have come
through a tin trumpet, so grating was it, "If you kill my shoats,
neighbor peddler, them tin traps of thine shall suffer as will not
be good." The major now reined up old Battle, and throwing down the
reins, dismounted, and began parleying with the swine driver as to
the value of his drove. "It is cruel of you," said the major, "to be
driving such lanterns to market. From thy looks, I had thought thee
a better man. But, as I have a fancy for trade, if thou wilt put
them at a figure low enough, and take my tinwares for pay, we may
come to a trade that will profit us both."
"To the devil with your tinware; and if you cannot get it there fast
enough by any other process, mount a South Carolina ass! for it
occurs to me you would look well mounted upon such an animal!" This
somewhat uncourteous retort disarmed the major, who stood for a time
not knowing what to say in reply. In truth, he was overawed by the
sternness of the swine driver's manner, and the terseness of the
monosyllables with which he answered questions that were
subsequently put to him. He had a face, too, that wore an expression
grave enough for a Scotch metaphysician, and was long enough and
heavy enough for a Penobscot Indian; and to which was attached a
nose very like a bill-hook in shape. "Honest swine driver,"
ejaculated the major, "being versed in the mysteries of human
nature, and never judging men by their occupations, I took you for a
gentleman; and as such, I am certain, had you but known the high
quality of my reputation, you would not have insulted me."
"That all may be," interjaculated he of the weary face.
"You have, p'raps, heard of Major Roger Sherman Potter? That's my
name," resumed the major, a smile of confidence lighting up his
features, as he extended his right hand, and patted the swine driver
good naturedly upon the shoulder with his left. "I bear no man
malice, am known over the country as Major Potter, the honest in
trade and strong in politics."
"I have myself had something to do with politics," moodily muttered
the swine driver, relieving his shoulder of the steelyards.
And while this colloquy was proceeding, the herd nestled down upon
the ground to rest. One, more sagacious than his fellows, made a
companion of the dog, at whose side he stretched himself, and laid
his head upon his shoulder with an air of kindness and affection
quite uncommon to his species. "That pig," spoke the swine driver,
"seems a more cunning brute than our New York politicians, for he
makes friends with his enemy, and by that means secures his peace,
if not his services. He has conciliated the good that is in the dog,
and now the dog is his firm friend. He will let that pig have the
better half of his meal, while he would not permit another to come
within barking distance of his trough." Here the swine driver
entered upon a history of this sagacious animal, which it will be
necessary to preserve for a future chapter in this history. It may,
however, be well here to say, as well for the benefit of the reader
as for the instruction of mankind in general, that Felix Shulbert
(for such was the swine driver's name) bought him of Father Fenshew,
a poor priest of great learning, who had so cultivated the pig's
understanding, that he could give his approval or dissent to the
canons of the church quite as well as some popular members of the
ecclesiastical councils of which the reverend and very learned
Father was an ornament. As to politics, he knew a great deal more of
them, notwithstanding he mixed less with those who made them a
profession.
"Now, tell us, honest man, what through life has befallen thee to
produce this sadness?" inquired the facetious major, adding, that he
saw the tale of his trouble written in his face.
The swine driver replied, that disappointment, and the malice of
enemies, and the false reports of evil minded damsels, had reduced
him to poverty, and poverty had forced him into the trade of swine
selling, which he followed in the hope of getting a living that
would be acceptable to heaven. An air of deeper sadness now
overshadowed his countenance, and raising the coarse straw hat from
his head, he wiped the sweat from his safron-colored brow, and
heaved a sigh. The major having introduced me to the herdsman as the
greatest politician Cape Cod had ever given the world, drew forth
his never failing flask, which he said contained a panacea for all
ills of the mind, and enjoined him to partake. The man exhibited no
timidity in accepting the invitation, for having taken two or three
swallows, he smacked his lips in approval, and said, he already felt
it mellowing his temper. He then searched in his wallet, and finding
some crusts and a ham bone, threw them to his dog, who generously
shared them with his companion, the pig. This done, we took seats by
the roadside, while the drover began, in brief, to recount his
troubles.
Educated for a divine, he took orders, and for a series of years
preached with much success to his congregation and honor to himself.
At length an evil day came, and with it a spirit of malice that
leveled its shafts at his bachelorhood, crept into his church.
Unfortunately he had declared his determination not to marry in the
presence of several venerable matrimony-mongers, and the result
was, that so many slanders were got up against him, that his church
became a bed of thorns continually pricking him. "My heart, which
heaven can bear witness, is tender enough, became overburdened with
grief," said he, his eyes filling with tears, as he wiped the sweat
from his sun-burned brow, "for it seemed as if the whole church had
turned its back upon me, and so many were the plans laid to effect
my downfall, by those who should have held me up, that even the
mantle of St. Peter could not have saved me. Thus, it was said that
I had made too free with my housekeeper, who, in some things, was a
good enough woman, but (and it was well known to the parish), little
could be said for her virtue. Heaven knows I had never in my whole
life permitted an evil thought concerning her to invade my mind; and
yet she was got to bring against me a charge so grave that we will
pass it over without a name. Your must, however, remember that this
was the work of my enemies, whom heaven forgive, as I freely forgive
them, such being the glory of charity, which is the truest religion.
Indeed, sir, it was said that I did this woman grievous harm, and
the parish rose up in her defence, and, what is more, set her up as
a model of injured innocence. I could only protest my innocence, and
pray what chance is there for innocence against the voice of
calumny?
"Then this was the penalty of your bachelorhood? You should
remember, brother, that so good a chance to become a father as that
which is offered to the pastor of a flourishing congregation should
never be lost; and he who fails to embrace it, evinces a want of
wisdom the clergy would do well never to betray," said the major,
begging that his newly made friend would proceed with his story. "As
I never disdain friendship, (hoping the rudeness of my remarks at
our meeting may find pardon in my sorrow,) I will give a respite to
my tongue by quenching my thirst with another sup of the contents of
that flask, for it gives me much relief in body as well as in mind."
The major was only too glad to grant his request; and having passed
him the flask, he said, as the other raised it to his mouth, he
hoped it would transfer the hidden secrets of his heart to the light
of day, since nothing pleased him more than a recital of the sorrows
of the forlorn ambitious. And here he of the swine, and he of the
tin traps, continued to converse most strangely, the latter
sympathizing with every new sorrow, of which the former seemed to
have a never ending supply. "Being in a remote village of
Pennsylvania," resumed he of the sorrows, "and having neither trade
nor friends, I thought to get my living by teaching school; but the
shafts of scandal followed me, and the honest and simple-minded
villagers thought it wise not to have their children taught by one
who had attempted the virtue of an innocent. I saw nothing but to
take to politics, which I did much against my sense of self respect,
it being a profession requiring those who followed it to live a
vagabond life, as well as to become the associate of vagabonds and
mischief making priests. I took a strong part in a presidential
campaign" ("Jist like me," interrupted the major), "and being on the
successful side, as wise men always are, I went to Washington in the
hope that my services would be rewarded by a grateful government.
But in this there was a mistake, for the government seemed to have
forgotten every thing but the slanders against my character; and
though the hussy whose oath had sealed my doom was removed to
Washington, where she was atoning for her outraged virtue by
practicing the arts of the fair but frail, it neither lessened the
sting of my misfortunes, nor restored me my character. She had sworn
falsely, when her morals were no better than they should be. She now
offered to do me justice by swearing to the truth; but so public had
become the character she bore, that though she might swear to the
truth of her own falsehood a thousand times, no one would believe
her. It was curious to see the anomaly of my position; for while I
could have poured out a flood of lamentations at the want of virtue
in Congress, no one valued my own of sufficient weight to be
recommended for an office. Congress, that had no virtue, or if it
had, its quality was too hard for use, was for ever standing in
admiration of its beauty and whiteness, as a member or two since
expelled had been pleased to call it, and was as scrupulous of
having it called in question as a coy damsel. I who had virtues, was
cast out because the color of it, as seen through the spectacles of
my enemies, was not as white as alabaster. Ah, I have wiped the
sweat from my fevered brow, and thought what a wrong-headed world
we had-many a time! Every man has a history worth relating, or he
must be a poor being in the measure of his kind; but I am afraid
mine is becoming barren of entertainment."
I had myself become interested in the swine driver's melancholy, and
joining with the major, begged he would proceed with his story. "I
took my misfortunes like a philosopher, knowing full well that
heaven would grant me mercy in time of need. I had nearly spent, in
Washington, the last dollar paid me for lecturing during the
campaign, when the jade who had caused all my troubles, hearing of
my poverty, came to me, fell upon her knees, implored my
forgiveness, and offered to share with me the fruits of her infamy.
I freely forgave her; nor could I forbear to shed a tear at the
honesty of her repentance. But her gold I bid her give, as had been
a custom with her, to her friends, in places so high that the source
of their wealth remained a mystery no man dare probe. Telling her I
had rather join the brigands in the hills of Lombardy than accept
her gold, I at once turned my energies to writing speeches for
members of Congress incapable of writing their own, and correcting
the dictum of those made by men whose time was too much taken up at
the gambling crib and drinking saloon. And for this labor, so easily
performed when one possessed the ability, I was to receive five
dollars a column, of the Globe. Small as was this allowance, I found
great difficulty in collecting it, since members too honest to sell
votes generally wrote their own speeches, and those who lacked that
little virtue had so many speculations on hand as to render it quite
impossible for them to find time to pay their speech writers.
However, between giving Latin lessons to two or three of the New
York delegation and this speech writing, and teaching the rudiments
of grammar to an Arkansas member, whose custom it was to make a
speech every day, I scraped a few dollars to the good, and retiring
to my native village entered upon the business of swine driving, in
which calling, thank God, I have at least had an opportunity to be
honest. In truth, brother tin peddler, (I call thee brother, since I
find so good a friend in thee,) it seems to me a man may prepare for
heaven and find no obstacles in so honest a trade. I have now
followed it for seven long years." Here the major took his hand,
earnestly, and swore that he was ready to serve him with his life,
so deeply had his story affected him.
"It was but yesterday," resumed the swine driver, "that a tin
peddler of New Haven, who vends his wares over this part of the
country, and though a great rogue, makes people believe him honest
by asserting that he is a graduate of Yale, passed me on the road
and killed three of my swine, causing me a loss of some eight
dollars, for I sell them at three cents a pound, by my steelyards;
and when I demanded him to make good the damage he jeered and drove
on. And to make the matter worse, the cunning rogue has tricked the
simple minded people into the belief that he is a man of great
wisdom, which was no hard matter, seeing that he threw into all his
sayings a large amount of Greek and Latin it would have puzzled the
devil himself to translate. This, my brother, accounts for the
rudeness of my greeting, and for it I now ask to be forgiven. Having
lost my shoats in the manner I have related, I sat down and swore
eternal enmity to all of the trade."
The swine driver thus ended the recital of his grievances, when the
major, holding it his duty to set the fallen upon their legs,
divided his pine apple cheese and crackers among us, and commenced
advising him in the following style: "I see, brother drover," said
he, "what a grief having fallen from thy high estate in the church,
is to thee. Take then my advice. Keep thy ambition within proper
bounds until thou hast got bread enough to live in peace for the
space of one year. Then return penitent to thy native village, say
thou art wearied of swine driving, and hast resolved to live an
honest man until death calls thee away. Get this idea well into the
heads of the villagers, then come boldly out and declare thyself to
have sinned beyond measure, and to have been so great a reprobate
that the world had not another like thee. Publish neither cards, nor
pamphlets, nor books, in defence of thy character, and above all, do
thou be careful not to purloin the coat and breeches of thy
companion, nor go uninvited to balls, for, though it be the custom
of unfortunate parsons who take to literature at this day, it will
lower thee in the sight of heaven. But say, that having qualified in
sin, and resolved to seek forgiveness, thou art come to lay thy
implorings at the church door. Change, in the meantime, thy opinions
of matrimony, and be careful to state, within hearing of certain
unmarried damsels the corners of whose ages it will not do to
multiply by ten, how it is become a firm belief with thee that
matrimony will increase the measure of thy joys. And when the moment
it will do for thee to move in this thing has arrived, do thou show
thyself a man of sympathy by joining fortunes with a damsel who has
lived hoping, until she has turned the brown corner of forty. Having
thus paved the way by being converted to matrimony, and confessing
crimes that would have crushed a dozen men of better metal than
thyself, thou wilt be restored to thy church, and live like one
comforted by the exalted opinions of the villagers."
It was evident that the major spoke thus stiltedly with a design
upon the swine driver's intelligent pig, which still manifested its
affection for the dog, beside whom it had gone to sleep. The swine
driver promised he would take the first opportunity of profiting by
such excellent advice. To confess the truth, he had looked forward
to the day when he would return to his church as that which was to
restore him to happiness.
The major called upon me to bear testimony to the friendship they
swore to each other, and strengthened over a sup from the flask.
"Now, as I have made thee a happier man than I found thee, perhaps
you would grant me a request?"
"You have but to make it," replied the swine driver, his countenance
lighting up for the first time. "My wife, Polly Potter, is as fond
of pigs as the women of Spain, and our aristocratic damsels who
affect, to imitate them, are of poodles. She is never without one,
which she nurses with great care. She is now in great tribulation,
having lost her last by a croup, which baffled the skill of the most
eminent physicians. And so deep was her sympathy for it, that she
had it buried in a corner of the garden, with a rose-bush planted to
its memory." This so excited the swine driver's pity, that I verily
thought he was about to make the major a present of his whole herd,
as a means of consoling his disconsolate wife. As soon, however, as
the major disclosed to him his desire to purchase only the gifted
pig, affairs assumed a different complexion. The swine driver
declared he would not part with Duncan (such was the gifted pig's
name,) for his life, seeing that he was guide pig, and could so
prognosticate storms as to entirely dispense with the use of a
barometer. A few more appeals on behalf of the inconsolable woman,
however, and the swine driver agreed to part with Duncan, upon
condition that he be kept as one of the family until he returned
that way, receiving care according to his gifts. The major pledged
his military reputation that not a bristle on his back should be
disturbed, and also that he should receive such attention from the
family as would make his domestic happiness complete. And as a
pledge of his faith, he proceeded to present the swine driver with
three nutmeg graters, two strainers, and a sheepskin, the wool of
which he swore was worth not less than two dollars.
The swine driver received these presents with much condescension,
but said it was necessary they agree that the pig be weighed, as
that would be a means of ascertaining how he fared during his stay
with the lonely woman. This point being settled satisfactorily, the
pig answered to his name, and ran to his master with the docility of
a spaniel. And now, amidst the loudest of squeals his lungs were
capable of, his hind legs were secured and his body hung suspended
by the steelyards, the dog in the meantime keeping up a loud
barking, and threatening to make ribbons of the major's coat-tails
for taking such improper liberties with his friend. "Eighty-four
pounds, exactly," muttered the drover, counting the notches upon his
steelyards as the major bagged his pet, who continued to give out so
many squeals of distress that the sagacious dog seized the major by
the broad disc of his pantaloons, and so rent them that he swore
none but his wife, Polly Potter, had ever seen him in such a plight.
Nevertheless, he placed the pig safely upon his wagon, and having
mended the breach in his dignity with a few pins, proceeded on his
journey, in what he considered a good condition. "To be torn to
pieces by a blasted dog! He didn't know me, though, poor brute,"
muttered the major, rubbing the injured parts with his left hand,
and tossing his head in caution of what might be expected another
time.