THE MAJOR RESUMES THE STORY OF HIS ADVENTURES IN NEW YORK.
MY determination not to swerve from the truth in this history, may
cause me to relate things of the major his military friends, who are
exceedingly sensitive, will set down as malicious attempts to damage
the profession of arms. Let it be understood, then, that what
charges I shall bring against the major will, on inquiry, be found
to have their origin in an uncontrollable passion for trade only.
Whether it will be found that he has committed acts for which he can
be arraigned before a court-martial, such being the fashionable
process of making heroes of military delinquents, must be left
entirely to the reader's judgment.
Having got well upon the road, the major turned to me with an air of
evident self-satisfaction, and addressed me as follows: "If Mrs.
Major Potter was out of the way, I would make twain of the widow,
merely for the love her children bear me." Here he jerked the reins
and bade old Battle, who was giving strong proof of the quality of
his wind, quicken his pace. "However, as it is wicked to contemplate
matrimony with a wife on hand, I must console myself with having
cleared in the trade with her and the fishmonger, at least two
dollars and forty cents. The chickens are not what she takes them
for. There can be no doubt of their coming to Shanghais, but as to
their eating off barrel heads, they can do that now, only set the
barrel heads upon the ground. All the ill feathered devils in my
coop are not worth a single black foot." The major, like many others
who affect gallantry, rather prided himself on the chivalry there
was in deceiving widows and getting the better of fishmongers. We
were thus pursuing our journey, when the major suddenly reminded me
that he had been interrupted in the recital of the story of his
first adventure in New York, and begged I would tell him the exact
point where he left off. This I did, as far as my memory served, out
of sheer charity. He then begged me not to get impatient, for he
would soon get to where he was the hero of several extraordinary
exploits, which he had performed while taking care of the nation.
"That's the point," said the Major, taking the cue. "The story was
interrupted at the point where we held it fortunate detectives were
not employed to go in pursuit of Fopp, as they both were of one kith
and kin, only that they had different processes for draining purses.
"My fashionable friends, on hearing of my distress, had no more
attentions to bestow upon me. And as I had no more dinners to give,
the newspapers also let me drop very quietly. I should not forget to
mention, however, that one huge fellow, who commanded the columns of
a very small paper, and made the importance of his position a means
of getting loans of his friends, said time would establish the fact
that I was an adventurer. I entertained a hope that the good old
Evening Post would have answered this, but it never did. It was
something that I could console my heart with the fact, that the
little paper could do me no harm, since its circulation never got
beyond two hundred prosey old women, who admired the way the cunning
fellow wore his hair and discoursed upon good society, though he
held it a virtue never to pay a debt.
"A friend or two, as poor as myself, and who had clung to me as long
as a dollar remained, advised the getting up of an affair of honor
with this editor; but, as I had always chosen to be a philosopher,
and believing valor an article better preserved with peace than war,
I objected. It was then suggested by one of my friends, who was, or
had been a politician, (an enemy of his said he had twice been
driven out of Wall Street for violating its rules of morality,) that
the affair could be more easily settled over a champagne supper at
Delmonico's. The best eater and drinker could then demand his
opponent to consider himself vanquished and pay the bill, the same
being accepted as a sufficient apology. Upon inquiry, it was found
that the editor was famous in this sort of warfare, hence it would
not do to engage him at odds so unequal. Telling my friends then,
that I would take two weeks to consider it, they thought the matter
might be indefinitely postponed. Another friend hinted, slyly, that
editors, as a general thing, held character of so little worth that
nothing so much delighted them as to demolish it over a strongly
compounded punch.
"Well, with the loss of my money, I had the satisfaction, or rather
mortification, soon to know that I had gained the suspicions of mine
host of the Astor, who had the temerity to stick his bill in the
door one morning. My balance on hand not being equal to the amount,
I shoved the curious bit of paper into my pocket, and proceeded down
stairs, slightly inclined to saunter and contemplate the matter over
in the park. But the polite host, with an eye made keen by his
doubts, intercepted me at the bottom of the stairs, beckoned me
behind the big bright counter, and said I must pardon the request,
but he would like the trifle between us squared. Notwithstanding his
great respect for politicians in general, they so often forgot these
little matters as to make it a serious affair with him. The kindness
of his manner set my conscience in a tumult; and this, added to the
fact that he had entertained me in a princely style, sent me into a
state of great grief. One likes to perform kind offices to a
courteous recipient. Indeed, nothing would have so much pleased me
as to discharge every obligation to so excellent a landlord. I might
at some future day need the comforts of his house, especially as
several of my friends had intimated, while fortune smiled, that the
voice of the people might one day call me to rule the nation.
"Dispensing all ceremony, I invited mine host to a conference in one
corner, and then and there pleaded the lean condition of my purse,
to which he listened with great patience, and when I had done begged
me to consider him a friend. Once indeed he seemed on the point of
shedding tears of sorrow for my troubles; but his eyes resumed their
usual dryness. On the following day, his sympathy having no doubt
run out, he informed me, with great politeness of manner, that the
demand for his lodgings was more than equal to the supply.
'Perhaps,' he added, 'you can make it convenient to continue your
journey.'
"I was in the condition of an army unable to move for want of
supplies. It was no difficult matter to make a dozen or so of
political speeches, or to make a meeting split its sides with
laughter, or to tear the sophistries of an opponent into tatters,
but to be cheated out of one's money in a great city, and leave the
Astor to enter the Irving, or the more fashionable 'New York,' with
an empty pocket, though common among New Yorkers, was a feat I had
not learned to achieve."
The mischief of the matter was, that no sooner had I got rid of
General Fopp, than a man, whom I shall for convenience sake call the
great Captain Splinters, made my acquaintance. This man, of whom
many queer things were said over tea-tables, by people calling
themselves the aristocracy, plumed himself on being the greatest
politician Manhattan Island ever was blessed with. People of steady
habits differed in their views on this subject, some asserting that
the honor of the island would sustain no loss if he were made
Governor of New Jersey, or President of the Camden and Amboy
Railroad, in which latter capacity he would have ample means of
gratifying his ambition for mutilating legal voters. I had heard of
this man through the newspapers; he seemed, however, a much smaller
man than they had represented him to be. In fine, he told me the
newspapers had always taken great pride in misrepresenting him; but
he said so many good things of himself, and recounted the many
scrapes he had been in with such evident self-satisfaction, that I
began to mistrust there was something in him. It was at least
certain that he had hung himself to the government, in the very
harmless belief that it could not get along without him. Of his
pranks, as related by himself, I had no very high opinion, inasmuch
as they made public virtue cut a very sorry figure. He, however,
requested me to bear in mind the fact, that he never squared his
opinions with those who set so high a value upon public virtue that
they were for ever nursing it and weeping over it at their
firesides.
"He thought the nation extremely fortunate in possessing an
individual capable of rendering it services so varied as he was
capable of. He made power his game, and to the end of extending
universal liberty to vagabonds, he had at his command the services
of no less than four hundred and forty as arrant knaves as ever did
bloodletting at elections, or managed the rascality necessary to the
success of their candidate. They had given up the business of
stealing; and being much in need of money and clean raiment, had
taken to the more profitable occupation of president-making,
hoping ere long to be rewarded by a grateful government with
important and lucrative appointments.
"This Captain Splinters, of whom so much was said, expressed great
sympathy for my misfortunes, and seemed to entertain a hearty horror
for such fellows as Fopp. He said that now, being on the road to
fame, it was only necessary to fasten to him, when, having great
power in his hands, he would ensure me the nomination for next
President. I got to liking him, he was so companionable. We visited
together many low drinking places up dark alleys, wherein political
mischief was very generally manufactured by youths who dressed in
flashy colored garments, were lean of figure, and very noisy. Their
features were sharp, but undefined, and about them there was air of
recklessness made more striking by their long, oily locks, (which
were turned under in the neck,) and the strong profanity of their
conversation, which invariably turned either upon some pugilistic
rencounter, or a question of municipal or national policy. Being a
popular politician, it was necessary, Splinters said, that the good
opinion of these men be secured; and this could be best done by
ordering the landlord to give them strong drinks without stint. He
added, that unless I did this, my political shop would be closed for
ever. I at first pleaded the scanty condition of my purse, but it
availed me nothing. The dread alternative stared me in the face, and
seeing that they were very outspoken men, I stood their demands at
the bar until an empty purse put an end to my generosity.
"He, Captain Splinters, then led me by the button to Stanwix Hall,
which he said was the head quarters of his four hundred and forty
president-makers. Here the glare of an hundred gas lights threw
curious shadows over a throng of staggering and grotesque figures in
toppling hats, broad, brown skirted coats, with brass buttons, and
bright striped trowsers. 'These men,' said the Captain, introducing
them to me, with an extension of his left hand, 'are made of better
metal than they seem; you must not judge them by what you see on the
surface. Keep but their wants well supplied, and my honor for it,
they will take such care of the nation as no man shall gainsay-'
"'Aye! aye!' interrupted a dozen husky voices, as the whole number
circled around the great bar, spread with a barricade of decanters,
'we are good men, and strong. Let the nation but call us, and we
will do it such service as it may need. We are all honest men, who
wait but the word from our captain, ere we break the liberty that
binds the delusions of men calling themselves our betters.' The
captain now leaned over the bar and whispered something in the ear
of the landlord, a burly man, who stood with his coat off and shirt
sleeves rolled up. Drinks were now quickly compounded for each man,
who seized his glass as the Captain, who was glib of tongue,
commenced a speech in compliment of me. It surprised me not a
little, that he made me the hero of more political conquests than
were written down in our history since the declaration of
independence; but as he vouched for the truth of every one of them,
with an oath to every sentence, his men received them with great
cheering. Indeed, they emptied their glasses, offering to lay their
services at my feet. It was curious to see how much these men, so
apparently shattered by strong drink, knew about the ins and outs of
the constitution. Albeit, for men whose education was as doubtful as
their means of living, (even reading and writing was not in very
high favor with them,) they knew a deal about Congress. More than
one had his pockets full of letters written him by distinguished
members. And it seemed a custom with them, when emptying a glass, to
drink the health of some senator, who sent them Congressional
documents weekly and promised to say a good word in their behalf to
the President.
"Having enjoyed four rounds, the men began to examine the bottom of
their glasses, and to cast longing glances first at the landlord and
then at the captain. Such was the influence of the latter over them,
that at a word they set their glasses peaceably upon the counter and
subserviently retired to remote parts of the hall, where they
commenced to smoke strong flavored cigars. A word from Splinters, it
was said, and these men would set upon and demolish any object of
his dislike. And to such an extent had their mischievous excesses
been carried, that it had cost the city no end of tears and gold,
for which they had no other penance to offer, than an incurable
ambition to run mad in worshiping their captain.
"A touch on the elbow, and Splinters whispered that the landlord's
opinion of me would be raised by settling the score. And to do this
I reached my last dollar. Having thus graciously initiated me into
high favor with his men, the Captain kindly offered to see me safe
home. Taking him for so good a friend, I discovered to him the state
of my finances, which he said was a matter of no moment, since he
would give me his note for five hundred dollars on thirty days,
which Duncan, Sherman & Co., or any banker in Wall Street, would be
glad to discount, merely for the pleasure of making my acquaintance.
A flood of joy poured into my ears and heart at this expression of
friendship. So we walked into the office of the Astor, when
Splinters, affecting an air of great confidence, dashed off the
note, and, bidding me look misfortune right in the face, took his
leave. But he said he would call the next morning. He forgot to keep
his promise, and when I presented his 'I promise to pay,' at the
counter of Messrs. Duncan, Sherman & Co., flattering myself that
they knew all about it, the whole counting-room of clerks went into
a titter. One set me down for a madman; another directed me to the
care of the commissioners of the insane asylum; and a third thought
I would do to go into business in Wall Street. Captain Splinters
would, no doubt, seeing that only his name was wanted, furnish
capital to any amount, provided always that he shared the result of
the circulation, they said. It was clear to me that the house of
Duncan, Sherman & Co. was not fast in the discount line. I then
looked in at Drew & Robinson's. Thinking I had come to buy
steamboats, a little, shriveled up old man led the way into a dark
back office, saying he could give me but five minutes to make known
my business. Anxious to facilitate matters, I produced the note,
saying that he of course knew the signer by reputation, and would
like to discount it out of compliment to him. A sight at the name,
and it seemed as if he was about looking the glasses out of his
spectacles. Then he went straight into a passion, ordering me to
leave the premises or he would call a policeman. Not to swerve from
the truth, I may say here, that I thought it very fortunate in
getting into the Street without being kicked there. All Wall Street,
it seemed to me, was in a state of anxiety. Every man looked as if
he were besieged by his neighbor, or had had a breach made in him by
some sudden revolution, and was in search of a physician to save his
bleeding bowels. Here and there I met a man looking as if he had
just rushed into the street to proclaim the baseness and treachery
of a newly discovered foe, who, with a thousand anxious thoughts,
had carried away the last remnant of his fortune.
"I found I had been laboring under a political delusion. Indeed, I
felt like one in a desert without means of alleviating his misery,
and turned to make my way out of Wall Street and declare myself its
eternal enemy, so ungrateful was the reception it had given me. And
as I was proceeding through the mass of rapidly moving figures that
surged along the sidewalk, my eye caught the sign of Van Vlete,
Read, & Drexel. The name struck me as being consonant with
generosity, so I looked in, and was accosted by a tall, lean man,
with a dusky complexion, and a face radiant of intelligence. He
stood behind a massive, semicircular counter, piled with bank notes
and gold; and having readily engaged me in conversation, which he
had the facility of doing without being interrupted in his business,
I found him a man who could talk faster and much more sensibly than
any revival preacher outside of Rhode Island. And to this he added
the rare quality of being courteous, which was remarkable in a Wall
Street dealer in money. Having discovered my business, he smiled and
shook his head, evidently at what he was pleased to consider my
freshness.
"The captain's paper, he said, might be set down as floating
security, the value of which was so prospective, depending as it did
upon his future good behavior as well as the fortunes of his party,
that he did not feel inclined to purchase any very large amount of
it. However, as he liked to be considered as a man of good parts,
and as I had a prospect of getting a foreign mission, he would
advance ten dollars on the five hundred, taking the risk of such
change as years might produce in the fortunes of the great captain,
which even the moon seemed to favor. Having declined this generous
offer, we parted excellent friends."
A cloud of dust rose up in the road about half a mile ahead, which,
together with the barking of a dog, and the "hellowing" of a loud
voice, announced the approach of a drover, and interrupted the
major's story.