SOLDIER (_reading from "Napier"_).--"Who would not rather be buried by
an army upon the field of battle than by a sexton in a church-yard!"
FOOL.--I give it up.
S.--I am not aware that any one has asked you for an opinion.
F.--I am not aware that I have given one: there is a happiness yet in
store for you.
S.--I will revel in anticipation.
F.--You must revel somehow; without revelry there would be no
soldiering.
S.--Idiot.
F.--I beg your pardon: I had thought your profession had at least
taught you to call people by their proper titles. In the service of
mankind I hold the rank of Fool.
S.--What, ho! without there! Let the trumpets sound!
F.--I beg you will not.
S.--True; you beg: I will not.
F.--But why rob when stealing is more honourable?
S.--Consider the competition.
* * * * *
FOOL.--Sir Cut-throat, how many orphans have you made to-day?
SOLDIER.--The devil an orphan! Have you a family?
F.--Put up your iron; I am the last of my race.
S.--How? No more fools?
F.--Not one, so help me! They have all gone to the wars.
S.--And why, pray, have _you_ not enlisted?
F.--I should be no fool if I knew.
* * * * *
FOOL.--You are somewhat indebted to me.
SOLDIER.--I do not acknowledge your claim. Let us submit the matter to
arbitration.
F.--The only arbiter whose decision you respect is on your own side.
S.--You allude to my sword, the most impartial of weapons: it cuts
both ways.
F.--And each way is peculiarly objectionable to your opponent.
S.--But for what am I indebted to you?
F.--For existence: the prevalence of me has made you possible.
S.--The benefit is not conspicuous; were it not for your quarrels, I
should enjoy a quantity of elegant leisure.
F.--As a clodhopper.
S.--I should at least hop my clods in a humble and Christian spirit;
and if some other fellow did did not so hop his--! I say no more.
F.--You have said enough; there would be war.
* * * * *
SOLDIER.--Why wear a cap and bells?
FOOL.--I hasten to crave pardon, and if spared will at once exchange
them.
S.--For what?
F.--A helmet and feather.