I am entertained by Mr. Crab—a description of him—I acquire the Art of
Surgery—consult Crab’s Disposition—become necessary to him—an Accident
happens—he advises me to launch out into the world—assists me with
Money—I set out for London
The fumes of my resentment being dissipated, as well as the vanity of
my success, I found myself deserted to all the horrors of extreme want,
and avoided by mankind as a creature of a different species, or rather
as a solitary being, noways comprehended within the scheme or
protection of Providence. My despair had rendered me almost quite
stupified, when I was one day told, that a gentleman desired to see me
at a certain public-house, whither immediately I repaired; and was
introduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab, a surgeon in town, who was
engaged with two more in drinking a liquor called pop-in, composed by
mixing a quartern of brandy with a quart of small beer. Before I relate
the occasion of this message, I believe it will not be disagreeable to
the reader, if I describe the gentleman who sent for me, and mention
some circumstances of his character and conduct which may illustrate
what follows, and account for his behaviour to me.
This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about five feet high, and
ten round the belly; his face was as capacious as a full moon, and much
of the complexion of a mulberry: his nose, resembling a powder-horn,
was swelled to an enormous size, and studded all over with carbuncles;
and his little gray eyes reflected the rays in such an oblique manner
that, while he looked a person full in the face, one would have
imagined he was admiring the buckle of his shoe. He had long
entertained an implacable resentment against Potion, who, though a
younger practitioner, was better employed than he, and once had the
assurance to perform a cure, whereby he disappointed and disgraced the
prognostic of the said Crab. This quarrel which was at one time upon
the point of being made up, by the interposition and mediation of
friends, had been lately inflamed beyond a possibility of
reconciliation by the respective wives of the opponents, who, chancing
to meet at a christening, disagreed about precedence, proceeded from
invectives to blows, and were with great difficulty, by the gossips,
prevented from converting the occasion of joy into a scene of
lamentation.
The difference between these rivals was in the height of rancour, when
I received the message of Crab, who received me as civilly as I could
have expected from one of his disposition; and, after desiring me to
sit, inquired into the particulars of my leaving the house of Potion;
which when I had related, he said, with a malicious grin, “There’s a
sneaking dog! I always thought him a fellow without a soul, d—n me, a
canting scoundrel, who has crept into business by his hypocrisy, and
kissing the a—e of every body.”—“Ay, ay,” says another, “one might see
with half an eye that the rascal has no honesty in him, by his going so
regularly to church.”
This sentence was confirmed by a third, who assured his companions that
Potion was never known to be disguised in liquor but once, at a meeting
of the godly, where he had distinguished himself by an extempore prayer
an hour long. After this preamble, Crab addressed himself to me in
these words: “Well, my lad, I have heard a good character of you, and
I’ll do for you. You may send your things to my house when you please.
I have given orders for your reception. Zounds! What does the booby
stare at? If you have no mind to embrace my courteous offer, you may
let it alone, and be d—d.” I answered with a submissive bow, that I was
far from rejecting his friendly offer, which I would immediately
accept, as soon as he should inform me on what footing I was to be
entertained. “What footing! D—n my blood,” cried he, “d’ye expect to
have a footman and a couple of horses kept for you?” “No, sir,” I
replied, “my expectations are not quite so sanguine. That I may be as
little burthensome as possible, I would willingly serve in your shop,
by which means I may save you the expense of a journeyman, or porter at
least, for I understand a little pharmacy, having employed some of my
leisure hours in the practice of that art, while I lived with Mr.
Potion; neither am I altogether ignorant of surgery, which I have
studied with great pleasure and application.”—“Oho! you did,” says
Crab. “Gentlemen, here is a complete artist! Studied surgery! What? in
books, I suppose. I shall have you disputing with me one of these days
on points of my profession. You can already account for muscular
motion, I warrant, and explain the mystery of the brain and nerves—ha!
You are too learned for me, d—n me. But let’s have no more of this
stuff. Can you blood and give a clyster, spread a plaster, and prepare
a potion?” Upon my answering in the affirmative, he shock his head,
telling me, he believed he should have little good of me, for all my
promises; but, however, he would take me in for the sake of charity. I
was accordingly that very night admitted to his house, and had an
apartment assigned to me in the garret, which I was fain to put up
with, notwithstanding the mortification my pride suffered in this
change of circumstances.
I was soon convinced of the real motives which induced Crab to receive
me in this manner; for, besides the gratification of his revenge, by
exposing the selfishness of his antagonist, in opposition to his own
generosity, which was all affectation, he had occasion for a young man
who understood something of the profession, to fill up the place of his
eldest apprentice, lately dead, not without violent suspicion of foul
play from his master’s brutality. The knowledge of this circumstance,
together with his daily behaviour to his wife and the young apprentice,
did not at all contribute to my enjoying my new situation with ease;
however, as I did not perceive how I could bestow myself to better
advantage, I resolved to study Crab’s temper with all the application,
and manage it with all the address in my power. And it was not long
before I found out a strange peculiarity of humour which governed his
behaviour towards all his dependents. I observed, when he was pleased,
he was such a niggard of his satisfaction that, if his wife or servants
betrayed the least symptom of participation, he was offended to an
insupportable degree of choler and fury, the effects of which they
seldom failed to feel. And when his indignation was roused, submission
and soothing always exasperated it beyond the bounds of reason and
humanity. I therefore pursued a contrary plan; and one day, when he
honoured me with the names of ignorant whelp and lazy ragamuffin, I
boldly replied, I was neither ignorant nor lazy, since I both
understood and performed my business as well as he could do for his
soul; neither was it just to call me ragamuffin, for I had a whole coat
on my back, and was descended from a better family than any he could
boast an alliance with.
He gave tokens of great amazement at this assurance of mine, and shook
his cane over my head, regarding me all the time with a countenance
truly diabolical. Although I was terribly startled at his menacing
looks and posture, I yet had reflection enough left to convince me I
had gone too far to retract, and that this was the critical minute
which must decide my future lot in his service; I therefore snatched up
the pestle of a mortar, and swore, if he offered to strike me without a
cause, I should see whether his skull or my weapon was hardest.
He continued silent for some time, and at last broke forth into these
ejaculations: “This is fine usage from a servant to his master—very
fine! damnation! but no matter, you shall pay for this, you dog, you
shall; I’ll do your business—yes, yes, I’ll teach you to lift your hand
against me.” So saying, he retired, and left me under dreadful
apprehensions, which vanished entirely at our next meeting, when he
behaved with unusual complacency, and treated me with a glass of punch
after dinner.
By this conduct I got the ascendancy over him in a short time, and
became so necessary to him, in managing his business while he was
engaged at the bottle, that fortune began to wear a kinder aspect; and
I consoled myself for the disregard of my former acquaintance, with the
knowledge I daily imbibed by a close application to the duties of my
employment, in which I succeeded beyond my own expectation. I was on
very good terms with my master’s wife, whose esteem I acquired and
cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the most ridiculous lights
my satirical talents could invent, as well as by rendering her some
Christian offices, when she had been too familiar with the dram bottle,
to which she had oftentimes recourse for consolation, under the
affliction she suffered from a barbarous husband.
In this manner I lived, without hearing the least tidings of my uncle
for the space of two years, during which time I kept little or no
company, being neither in a humour to relish nor in a capacity to
maintain much acquaintance; for the Nabal my master allowed me no
wages, and the small perquisites of my station scarcely supplied me
with the common necessaries of life. I was no longer a pert unthinking
coxcomb, giddy with popular applause, and elevated with the
extravagance of hope: my misfortunes had taught me how little the
caresses of the world, during a man’s prosperity, are to be valued by
him; and how seriously and expeditiously he ought to set about making
himself independent of them. My present appearance, therefore, was the
least of my care, which was wholly engrossed in laying up a stock of
instruction that might secure me against the caprice of fortune for the
future. I became such a sloven, and contracted such an air of
austerity, that everybody pronounced me crestfallen; and Gawky returned
to town without running any risk from my resentment, which was by this
time pretty much cooled, and restrained by prudential reasons so
effectually that I never so much as thought of obtaining satisfaction
for the injuries he had done me.
When I deemed myself sufficiently master of my business I began to cast
about for an opportunity of launching into the world, in hope of
finding some provision that might make amends for the difficulties I
had undergone; but, as this could not be effected without a small sum
of money to equip me for the field, I was in the utmost perplexity how
to raise it, well knowing that Crab, for his own sake, would never put
me in a condition to leave him, when his interest was so much concerned
in my stay. But a small accident, which happened about this time,
determined him in my favour. This was no other than the pregnancy of
his maidservant, who declared her situation to me, assuring me at the
same time that I was the occasion of it.
Although I had no reason to question the truth of this imputation, I
was not ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between her
master and her, taking the advantage of which I represented to her the
folly of laying the burden at my door, when she might dispose of it to
much better purpose with Mr. Crab. She listened to my advice, and next
day acquainted him with the pretended success of their mutual
endeavours. He was far from being overjoyed at this proof of his
vigour, which he foresaw might have very troublesome consequences; not
that he dreaded any domestic grumblings and reproaches from his wife,
whom he kept in perfect subjection; but because he knew it would
furnish his rival Potion with a handle for insulting and undermining
his reputation, there being no scandal equal to that of uncleanness, in
the opinion of those who inhabit the part of the island where he lived.
He therefore took a resolution worthy of himself, which was, to
persuade the girl that she was not with child, but only afflicted with
a disorder incidental to young women, which he could easily remove:
with this view (as he pretended) he prescribed for her such medicines
as he thought would infallibly procure abortion; but in this scheme he
was disappointed, for the maid, being advertised by me of his design,
and at the same time well acquainted with her own condition, absolutely
refused to follow his directions; and threatened to publish her
situation to the world if he would not immediately take some method of
providing for the important occasion, which she expected in a few
months. It was not long before I guessed the result of his
deliberation, by his addressing himself to me one day in this manner:
“I am surprised that a young fellow like you discovers no inclination
to push his fortune in the world. Before I was of your age I was
broiling on the coast of Guinea. D—e! what’s to hinder you from
profiting by the war which will certainly be declared in a short time
against Spain? You may easily get on board of a king’s ship in quality
of surgeon’s mate, where you will certainly see a great deal of
practice, and stand a good chance of getting prize-money.”
I laid hold of this declaration, which I had long wished for, and
assured him I would follow his advice with pleasure, if it were in my
power; but that it was impossible for me to embrace an opportunity of
that kind, as I had no friend to advance a little money to supply me
with what necessaries I should want, and defray the expenses of my
journey to London. He told me that few necessaries were required; and,
as for the expense of my journey, he would lend me money, sufficient
not only for that purpose, but also to maintain me comfortably in
London until I should procure a warrant for my provision on board of
some ship.
I gave him a thousand thanks for his obliging offer (although I was
very well apprised of his motive, which was no other than a design to
lay the bastard to my charge after my departure), and accordingly set
out in a few weeks for London; my whole fortune consisting of one suit
of clothes, half a dozen ruffled shirts, as many plain, two pair of
worsted and a like number of threaded stockings; a case of pocket
instruments, a small edition of Horace, Wiseman’s Surgery, and ten
guineas in cash; for which Crab took my bond, bearing five per cent
interest; at the same time giving me a letter to a member of parliament
for our town, which he said would do my business effectually.