_Monday, November 26th_.--Rather a jolly day in the House of Commons.
It was pleasant to hear Lord WOLMER, ingenuous youth, explaining, on
behalf of the War Trade Department, that there was no danger of an
unusually large consignment of rubber bathing-caps finding their way
from Switzerland to the heads of German Fraüleins. To Colonel YATE
belongs the credit of pointing out that people do not bathe in
Switzerland in the winter.
[Illustration: "Can't we go and have a steak somewhere?" Mr. WILL
THORNE.]
Where Russia is concerned Mr. BALFOUR declines to be included among
the prophets; all he knows is that that unhappy country has not yet
evolved a Government with which he can negotiate. He was more explicit
regarding the German tale of a Privy Council in 1913, presided over
by the KING, at which Mr. ASQUITH and Lord KITCHENER conspired with
Sir EDWARD GREY and Lord MORLEY (whose "Reminiscences" are strangely
silent on the subject) to declare war upon Germany. Who after this
shall dare to say that the Germans have no imagination?
Mr. WILL THORNE considers that compulsory rationing ought to be
postponed until the menus at the hotels and clubs are cut down to two
courses. Somebody ought to invite Mr. THORNE, who from his appearance
I should judge to have a healthy appetite, to partake of one of these
(alleged) Gargantuan feasts and see what he thinks of it. His comment
would probably be, "Can't we go and have a steak somewhere?"
When is a leaflet not a leaflet? "When it is an election address,"
says Sir GEORGE CAVE. At the same time he warned Mr. KING that if he
thought to get round the new regulations by embodying his peculiar
views in the form of electioneering literature he might still collide
with "Dora." The warning was surely superfluous. The last thing any
Pacifist M.P. wishes to do is to submit himself to the judgment of his
constituents.
_Tuesday, November 27th_.--Mr. MACPHERSON'S statement that officers
with the Expeditionary Force are supplied with whisky at prices
varying from _3s. 6d_. to _6s_. a bottle may have horrified the
teetotalers, but has intensified the patriotic desire of some of our
Volunteers to share the hardships of these gallant fellows in the
trenches.
There was another long-drawn-out duel between Mr. HOUSTON and Sir LEO
CHIOZZA MONEY on the subject of shipping freights. The House always
enjoys these encounters, although the opponents, like the toy
"wrestlers" of our youth, never get much "forrader." The Member for
West Toxteth has probably forgotten more about the shipping trade
than his opponent ever knew. But for all that Sir LEO keeps his end
up, though his assertion that the consumer would not benefit if the
Government charged "Blue-book rates" for ordinary cargo does not
convince everybody. But then everybody does not understand Blue-books.
[Illustration: "Sir Leo keeps his end up." MR. HOUSTON. SIR LEO
CHIOZZA MONEY.]
_Wednesday, November 28th_.--The Peers were surprised to hear from
Lord COURTNEY that he was not of the creed of the conscientious
objector. They had been under the impression that his public career
had been one long orgie of conscientious objection to everything that
did not emanate from his own capacious brain. Even his hat and his
waistcoat proclaim his defiance of conventional opinion.
For weeks past the House of Commons has been invited to believe that
German "pill-boxes" were composed of British cement; and the case
seemed clear when a British officer wrote from Flanders the other
day that he had discovered in the German lines a label plainly
marked "Artificial Portland." Members were relieved to learn that
the label came from a Belgian factory taken over by the Germans. "If
those pill-boxes had really been made of our cement," said a Medway
representative, "we should be hammering at them still."
_Thursday, November 29th_.--Question-time would be much more amusing
if Ministers and Members were more accomplished in the art of
repartee. A few are quick enough. When Mr. LEES SMITH complained that
one of his statements had been described by the FOREIGN SECRETARY as a
mare's nest Lord ROBERT CECIL swiftly replied that he did not remember
the incident, but had no doubt that if his right hon. friend used the
term it was justified.
Under the Redistribution scheme as arranged by the Boundary
Commissioners the name West Birmingham would have disappeared from the
roll of constituencies. In graceful tribute to the memory of JOSEPH
CHAMBERLAIN the House unanimously agreed to its reinstatement. It also
changed the name of the Woodstock division to the Banbury division;
but the idea that this was done as a compliment to the junior Member
for the City of London is, I am told, erroneous.
* * * * *
"IN SUCH A QUESTIONABLE SHAPE."
"This, of course, brings up the almighty question--Who wrote
Shapespeare?"--_Mr. George Moore in "The Observer_."
A short answer to this almighty question is--Either Mr. GEORGE MOORE
or the writer who determined "to call a spade a spape."
* * * * *
"Cook-General, good (26), Wanted immediately, or by December 6th,
for three months, in Exeter. Wages 50s. per mouth."--_Express
and Echo (Exeter)_.
We confidently hope that she has only one.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mother_. "GOOD GRACIOUS! THAT'S NOT YOUR NEW BEST HAT?"
_Child_. "WELL, MOTHER, YOU KNOW I TOLD YOU WHEN WE GOT IT THAT IT
WOULDN'T WEAR WELL."
_Mother_. "I DON'T REMEMBER YOUR SAYING SO."
_Child_. "YES, MOTHER. SURELY YOU REMEMBER I SAID, 'THE FIRST TIME
THAT HAT'S SAT ON IT'S DONE FOR'?"]
* * * * *