_How the Goldsmiths Wife went to the Bawd, and gave her an Account how
she had serv'd her Treacherous Gallant; and how the Bawd related
several of her own Exploits, _&c_ In a short History of her Life._
About a week after poor Mr. _Bramble_ had been so miserably handled by the
Contrivance of the old Bawd, and the Splenetick and Vindictive Temper of
the Goldsmith's Wife; whereby she doubled on himself all the Design he had
of Cheating her: She thought upon the Promise she had made to the Old Bawd,
of giving her a Visit, and Enlarging her Gratuity: For she saw clearly now
her Words were True, and _Bramble_ made a full account to Cheat her, tho'
'twas by the Exposing of her Honour, which she cou'd never have retriev'd
had it not been for the old Bawd's Advice; altho' indeed, when she had put
her in the way, she did her self improve it further to her own Advantage.
She therefore took Ten Guineas in her Pocket, which she believ'd she had
deserv'd; and which she also thought wou'd so engage her, that she need not
fear Discovery. And being come to her House, (to find which she before had
given her Directions) she had no sooner ask'd for her, but found her; and
the old Bawd taking her up into her Dining-Room, told her, that she was
glad too see her in her poor Habitation. _O Mother_, says the
She-Goldsmith, _I found that Treacherous Villain the same false man you
represented him; and if I had'nt took your Counsel, my Honour had been
Ruin'd; for the insipid Sot told all that e'er had past between us to my
Husband; but thanks to my good Stars, & your sage Counsel, I clearly got
the Ascendant over him, for which I here present you with a farther
Testimony of my Gratuity._ The Bawd, (who met with such large Fees but
seldom) was so well pleas'd with her Ingenuous and generous Temper, that
she both thank'd her heartily for what she had presented her and told her
that if hereafter she cou'd by any means oblige her, she wou'd be sure to
do it: For I assure you, added she, that Trading now is very Dead, and I
have got but little Custom.--This made the Gentlewoman ask her what Trade
she follow'd (for she was Ignorant she was a Bawd)--Madam, reply'd the old
Crone, You have so far engag'd me by your Generosity, I can deny you
nothing; and therefore if you please, I'll give you the History of my Life:
In which you may perhaps find something that may be diverting: For I have
in my time run through varieties of Changes, and met with very odd
Rencounters: Which if I may not too much Trespass on your patience, I'll
relate to you with all the Brevity I can.--To which, with an obliging Bow,
the Gentlewoman told her, she shou'd esteem herself indebted to her for so
great an Obligation.--And then the Bawd began as followeth.
Madam,
_Before I give you that Account of my Life which I design, I think my self
obliged first of all, to answer the Question you were pleas'd to put to me,
_viz. What Trade or Calling 'tis I follow_, the knowledge of which, will
make that I shall afterwards relate, the more Intelligible to you._
Know therefore, _Madam_, That the House which I now keep, is a House of
Convenience for Gentlemen and Ladies: And goes under several Denominations:
Some call it _The School of Venus_, others a _Vaulting School_; other the
_Assignation-House_: And some that are my Enemies, bestow upon it the Title
of a _Bawdy-House_; but this Title I neither lay claim to, nor take
Pleasure in. Tho' I confess, my Business is to help a Gentleman that is in
distress, to the Enjoyment of a Gentlewoman; and a Gentlewoman that has the
like occasion, to a Gallant. In which I always take care to help either Sex
to that which may be for their Purpose; and always Warrant those I help 'em
to, to be Safe and Sound; for I Value my Reputation more, than to put a bad
Commodity into any Man's hand. I am not unsensible that this is decried as
a very unlawful Calling; but for my part, to be plain with you, _Madam_, I
am of another Opinion: For Nature that has given us Appetites, has also
given us an Inclination to satisfie 'em; and 'tis no more than the
Satisfying the Natural Desires and Inclinations of Men and Women; that I
concern my self about. I know it will be Objected that Marriage is
appointed as a Remedy in that Case. And to those that are equally Match'd,
without any Impediment on either side, I grant it: And whether there be any
such Impediment, or not, they can best tell, that have such Wives or
Husbands. It is not my Business to ask 'em and if they do't without
occasion, 'tis their own fault, and not mine. I know (and know it by
Experience too) there's many a Man that looks as likely as your Husband
does, and yet cann't give a Woman that which Nature calls for. Some Men
(and so some Women too) have greater Stomachs, and some less, as Nature
orders it; and if their Diet be'nt proportion'd according to their
Stomachs, some may be Surfeited, and others Starv'd. For that which one can
live on very well, wou'd starve another; And the Concupiscential Appetites
of Men and Women, do differ as much as do their Stomachs. And therefore
Married People are not so much to blame in making use of others besides
their Wives or Husbands; provided that they take that Prudent Care and
Circumspection which is so requisite in such affairs. And because _Madam_,
you are yet but a Beginner, and may perhaps be startled at this Doctrine,
I'll let you see 'tis not my single Notion, but is the Judgment of a
Learned Author, who long ago has written on this Subject, a Choice Copy of
Verses, which I'll here repeat to you. He Entitles it,
_Upon Love fondly Refused for Conscience sake._
Nature, Creations law, is judg'd by Sense,
Not by the Tyrant Conscience;
Then our Commission gives us leave to do
What Youth and Pleasure Prompt us to:
For we must question else Heav'ns great Decree,
And tax it with a Treachery;
If things made sweet to attempt our Appetite,
Should with a guilt Stain the Delight.
High'r Pow'rs rule us, our Selves can nothing do,
Who made us Love, hath made Love lawful too.
It was not Love, but Love transform'd to Vice,
Ravish'd by Envious Avarice,
Made Woman first Impropriate; all were free;
Inclosures Mens Inventions be.
I'th Golden Age, no Action cou'd be found
For Trespass on my Neighbour's ground:
'Twas just, with any Fair to mix our Blood;
The best is most diffusive Good.
She that confines her Beams to one Mans sight,
Is a Dark Lanthorn to a Shining Light.
Say, Does the Virgin Spring less Chaste appear,
'Cause many Thirsts are quenched there?
Or have you not with the same Odours met,
When more then One have smelt your Violet
The _Phoenix_ is not angry at her nest,
'Cause her Perfumes makes others Blest:
Tho' Incense to th' Immortal Gods be meant,
Yet Mortals rival in the Scent.
Man is the Lord of Creatures; yet we see
That all his Vassals Loves are free;
The severe Wedlock-Fetters do not bind
The Pard's inflam'd and Am'rous Mind,
But that he may be like a Bridegroom led
Ev'n to the Royal Lion's Bed.
The Birds made for a Year their Loves Confine,
But make new Choice each Valentine.
If our Affections then more servile be
Than are our Slaves, where's Mans Sov'raignity?
Why then by pleasing more, should you less please,
And spare your sweets, being more sweet than these?
If the fresh Trunk have Sap enough to give,
That each insertive Branch may live;
The Gardner grafts not only _Apples_ there,
But adds the _Warden_ and the _Pear_;
The _Peach_ and _Apricock_ together grow,
The _Cherry_ and the _Damson_ too;
Till he hath made, by Skilful Husbandry,
An intire _Orchard_ of one Tree.
So least our _Paradise_ Perfection want,
We may inoculate and plant.
What's Conscience, but a Beldams Midnight Theam;
Or Nodding Nurses idle Dream?
So feign'd as are the _Goblins_, _Elves_ and _Fairies_,
To watch their _Orchard's_ and their _Daries_.
For who can tell when first her Reign begun?
I'th' State of Innocence was none:
And since large Conscience (as the Proverb shows)
In the same sense as bad one goes;
The Less, the Better then; whence this will fall,
He's perfect that hath none at all.
Suppose it be a Vertue rich and pure;
'Tis not for _Spring_ or _Summer_ sure;
Nor yet for _Autumn_; Love must have his Prime,
His Warmer Hearts, and Harvest time.
Till we have flourish'd, grown, & reap'd our Wishes.
What Conscience dares oppose our Kisses?
But when Time's colder hand leades us near home
Then let that _Winter-Vertue_ come:
Frost is till then Prodigious; We may do
What Youth, and Pleasure Prompts us to.
When the Bawd had made an end of Repeating her Verses, the Goldsmith's Lady
told her they were very Ingenious and Diverting Lines, and that she had
oblig'd her extreamly by repeating them. And then pray'd her to go on with
her Discourse which she lik'd very well. Upon which the Bawd thus
proceeded.
I think Madam, I have said enough to justify both Sexes, in the gratifying
of their Amorous Desires, tho' they be married; for 'tis not strange at all
to hear that Men and Women have been married, and yet have been uncapable
of answering the Ends of Marriage, or satisfying the Delights of _Venus_.
It is not long since I was told of a young pretty Virgin that happen'd to
be married to a Man who was deficient in his Virility, which the poor thing
(being asham'd to speak on't and not knowing any other Remedy) laid so to
heart, in a short time it kill'd her: But had I been acquainted with her, I
could have helpt her to a brisk young Man, one that had given proof of his
Sufficiency, which shou'd have eas'd her pain, and sav'd her Life. And
therefore, Madam, since married Persons may stand so much in need of my
assistance, and much more may they that are unmarried, who doubtless have
the same desires that married People have: Nay, their Desires are generally
more impetuous; for finding of their Natural Concupiscence stirring 'em up
to a desire of Copulation, they apprehend that there's more in't then what
they find, when once they come to try. And these things, Madam, in _Italy_
(as I have heard by several) are so common, that 'tis scarce thought a
Crime: Or, if it be, 'tis but a venial one, as all the Devout Doctors of
the _Roman-Church_, (nay, and the _Pope_ himself) assures us: And therefore
Madam, to deal freely with you, I have long since declar'd my self a _Roman
Catholick_, for that Religion allowes us the most Pleasure while we live,
and promises us Heaven when we die. And having thus given you an Account
both of my Calling and Religion; I come now to Perform my promise, in
giving you the History of my Life.
The Place of my Nativity was the Imperial Chamber of _Great Brittain_; my
Father being an Haberdasher of small Wares; and had as much to do as most
Men of that Calling; And whilst he liv'd, he gave me all that Education
that the most Wealthy Citizens bestow upon their Daughters, he keeping me
at Board at _Hackney-School_. And when grown up to Marriageable years I
wanted not for store of Sweethearts, and some of them of very good Estates:
and yet my Father thought none good enough. But he being one that was a
great and zealous Stickler for the Parliament in opposition to the King,
and thinking that _Charles Stuart_ (as then they call'd King _Charles_ the
Second), would never be Restor'd, laid out his Money in Purchasing of
Crown-Lands, having (as he thought) got a mighty Peniworth: But _Oliver_
being dead, and _Charles_ the Second coming in, all his Estate was lost;
and he forc'd to abscond; the grief of which soon after broke his heart. My
Father being dead, and his Estate lost by the Kings Restauration, my Mother
quickly took me from the Boarding-School; and those whom I had scorn'd
before, begun now to scorn me as much; my hopes of a good Portion being
gone, my Sweet hearts quickly Vanish'd; but being a Young Maid and pretty
handsome, an old rich Batchelor that had a kindness for me in my Father's
Life-time, (whom both my Father and myself had then deny'd) thinking that
in this Ebb of Fortune he might be more Successful in his Suit, again made
his Addresses to me; and tho' I had as great an Aversation to him then as
ever, yet he was mightily Encourag'd by my Mother; who thought in our
decclining State, he might support our Family: And therefore she not only
shew'd him all the Countenance he cou'd desire, her self, (for whom indeed
he wou'd have been a fitter Match) but also charg'd me likewise to receive
him well, for he must be my Husband. And when I told her I cou'd'nt love
him, she call'd me Fool, saying, I shou'd Marry him first, and love him
afterwards: And when I farther objected our Disparity in Age she answer'd
with another Musty Proverb, _That 'twas good taking Shelter under an old
Hedge_; and that it was far better being an Old Mans Darling, then a Young
Mans Worldling: And tho' this didn't Satisfie me, yet I soon found I must
have him or none; For having been brought up too high to make a working
Tradesmans Wife, that Portion now was gone that should have helpt me to a
better Husband. And therefore making a vertue of Necessity, I began to be
more Complaisant to my Inamorato then I had been formerly; which quickly
won his heart to that degree, that in a short time after we were
married--And tho the first Night that I went to Bed with him, I was a Maid,
and so knew nothing of that which a new Married couple ought to do, more
then what Nature dictated; yet I then thought he went about his Business
like a Fumbler, and did that little which he did, at such a rate, it had
almost as good have been let alone; for what he did, serv'd only to stir up
in me greater Desire for what he couldn't do. I found the exercise he
offer'd at, had something in it that was very pleasing, which in the
heighth of the Encounter I was disappointed in. And I must own, that I
found this a very sensible Affliction, and caus'd in me a greater Aversion
to my Husband than I had before: And therefore I resolv'd to try what those
venereal Recreations were; I had but an imperfect Taste of, as soon as I
could get an opportunity.
Nor did I wait long before my good Fortune put one in my hand; For my
Husband's Prentice, a handsome brisk young Man (who had but about two years
time to serve) I had observ'd was very sweet upon my Maid, who was handsome
enough; and having observed that he courted her, I used to watch them, and
by that means knew both the time and place of their Courtship; where they
used to spend some hours in an Evening when the shop was shut, according as
they could find opportunity. By my listening and over-hearing their Amorous
Discourse, I perceiv'd he solicited her hard for her last Favours, which
she would not consent to; and being resolved to improve this opportunity to
the accomplishing my own Desires, having over-heard 'em make their next
appointment, when the time drew near, I call'd my Chambermaid down (for she
it was that the Prentice courted) and sent her of an Errand at a
considerable distance, that she could not be back in two hours time, taking
care to see her out of doors my self by a back pair of Stairs, so that I
knew the Prentice cou'd know nothing of her being abroad, my Husband very
fortunately being absent likewise, I went to the place of meeting my self;
and the young couple being accustomed to converse without any Light, as
being unwilling to be discovered, I seated my self where my Chambermaid
used to do; and the Apprentice coming as usual, came up to me, and caress'd
me; whereupon I clap'd my Hand upon his Mouth, as a signal of his being
silent, and then embrac'd him very tenderly; and he being extasy'd with
this soft Entertainment, which was very pleasing to him, he was so far
blinded with his Passion, that he made no farther search, but imagining
that his Sweet heart was now come to his Terms he push'd on his design, and
met with such a compliance from me which he did not so easily expect; and I
must say, That I had not till that Time tasted the delights of Love: For he
manag'd his Business with so much Briskness and Vigour, that I was very
much pleas'd with the Encounter. When we had both performd our Parts to
equal Satisfaction; I caught him about the middle, and told him he shou'd
not go, till I knew who he was; for I made him believe I knew him not, and
first thought it was my Husband, but happened now too late to find the
contrary. My Spark at this was much surpriz'd, and his Amorous Passion
exchang'd into Fear; and therefore begging of my Pardon, he told me he took
me for the Chambermaid, and desir'd I wou'd conceal what had happen'd, and
not ruine him. Well, well, said I, I'll keep your secret; but it shall be
on this condition, that you think no more on the Chamber-Maid; and get you
to Bed forthwith, otherwise it will be worse for you. And this I enjoyn'd
him, lest he should have told the Maid. My Spark was very thankful that I
suffer'd him to come off so well, and accordingly went to Bed. The next
Morning I paid my Maid her Wage, and turn'd her off, not letting her so
much as bid her Lover adieu. After which my young Spark and I us'd to have
frequent Rencounters, to each others mutual Satisfaction: And I us'd to
supply him with Money for his Pocket Expences, furnishing him always with
what he wanted; until at last our kindness for each other was taken Notice
of by my Husband; who not being willing to have a Publick Talk made of it,
gave him up his Indentures when he had a year and a Quarter to serve.
This was a very sensible Trouble to me; for having been used to those
Delights which my Youth and high-feeding requir'd for about three Quarters
of a Year, it became very irksome to me to be abridged of 'em. And my
Husband being grown Jealous of me, by the familiarity he had observ'd me to
have with his Man, after he had turn'd him off, as I have related, gave me
this Gentle Reproof:
Wife, _you cannot but be sensible that your Familiarity with your Man is
become a Town-Talk; I have done what I can to prevent it, by turning him
away; but if you don't mend your Manners, and Reform your Life, all that I
can say, will be to no purpose. I am afraid you han't been Innocent in this
matter: But since what is past cann't be recall'd', I will say no more of
that; but I expect for the time to come that you avoid both his and all
other suspicious Company: You know I took you without a Portion at a time
when your Family was fallen to decay; and I maintain you as well as any
Citizens Wife in London; and for you to requite me with being false to my
Bed, is not only to be very Dishonest, but highly Ingrateful. And therefore
as you expect the Continuance of my Love, pray let me find a Reformation of
your Manners_.
To this I answer'd him, _That 'twas possible that a Free and affable
Temper, as mine was, might give too much occasion to those that had no
kindness for me, to speak evil of me: And that if to be accus'd, was enough
to make one Guilty, it was impossible for any to be Innocent. However,
since the Freedom I had us'd had given such occasion of offence, I wou'd
take care for the future to walk more Circumspectly, and be more Reserv'd_.
With this promise, my Husband was very well satisfy'd, and thereupon
Embrac'd me very tenderly.
But all this was only like the raking of a few Ashes over live Coals, which
in a little time break forth again, and burn more violently. My Husband's
Impotency being now about Seventy, grew daily more upon him; and my desires
after that due Benevolence he could not give me, still increas'd, so that
what he cou'd not do for me, I was under a necessity of getting done
elsewhere, And knew no other Person to whom I cou'd repair for a Supply,
but he who had so often done it to my own content before: To him therefore
I found means to send a Letter, appointing him to meet me at such a Place
and Time, which he accordingly did, and there we had that mutual Enjoyment
which we both desir'd: And tho' we met thus several times, it was with so
much Caution, for fear of a Discovery, that we were often forc'd to change
both Time and Place, and take new measures.
One Night above the rest, when I was sure he was engag'd to stay late at
the Tavern, I had obliged my Spark to give me a meeting at our House; and
had on that Occasion, sent all the servants up to Bed, upon pretence that
they must must rise early in the Morning. When they were gone to bed, and
all was sure, my Servant enter'd, with all imaginable Privicy and Caution;
and then, without much Ceremony, enter'd upon those melting Joys we both so
eagerly desir'd, Which we had hardly finish'd, before my Husband (who had
dispatched his Business quicker than we had done) knocks at the door; which
I no sooner heard, but springing from the Arms of my affrighted Gallant, I
took a Sheet out of the Chest of Drawers in the Chamber, and tying it with
a Copped Crown upon his Head, I made him look methought just like some
Fornicator, a going to do Pennance in a Parish Church, and then turning him
into the next Room, I bid him, if my Husband came in thither, (who was a
very timerous Man, and almost trembled at the Talk of Spirits) to
Counterfeit a Ghost, by which means I wou'd quickly use a Stratagem which
shou'd Relieve him without Danger. And as soon as he had put himself into a
Suitable Posture, and Plac'd himself in a convenient Corner to play the
Devil with my Husband, (in case the Cuckold should come into the Room which
he had taken for his Sanctuary) I fram'd a Counterfeit Smile, and let in my
Husband; whom I received with very kind words, and gave him a dissembling
Kiss or two; and then putting on his Flannel Night Cap, and fetching him
his Slippers, which he put on, we went up Stairs together; In the mean
time, the Ghost had found a piece of Whiting; which the Maid happen'd to
lay there to make the Chimney fire next morning; and this he takes and
breaks to pieces, and daubs his Face all over with it, that he then look'd
more pale than Death itself; insomuch that even I was almost startled at
the first glympse of him. Before my Husband went to bed, he always went
into the Dining-Rome to Prayer; which I appear'd as forward for as he, and
presently brought him a Cushion, upon which he kneels down, and falls a
Praying; not as yet seeing the Ghost: But as he was at Prayer, my Spark
endeavouring to get the Weather-Gage of him, that is, the Door: my husband
chanc'd to spy him, which so disord'd and affrighted him, that he was ready
to sink down. Before he spy'd him, he was praying thus. _Thou know'st Lord,
there are wicked people in the World, and some of them have wrong'd me very
much, but Lord, I hope thou wilt be even with 'em, and let 'em have no rest
till they acknowledge it, and make me Satisfaction for all that wrong they
have_--(then seeing the Counterfeit Ghost, he forgot his Prayer, and cry'd)
_O Lord, O Lord! What's this? What's this? O Lord! O Lord!_--and then rises
up, and makes towards the Door, which the Ghost seeing beckens him; at
which he cries _I won't, I won't, I won't!_ In the mean time, tho' I knew
what the matter was, I run to him, and cry'd, Dear Husband what's the
matter? As if I had been frighted; and went to hold him; but he struggled
to get from me, crying out _The Devil! The Devil! The Devil!_ Where, where,
said I? I see nothing, O _'tis yonder, 'tis yonder, 'tis yonder_, says he!
See how it stares and beckens to me I see nothing, not I, says I: And with
that, the Ghost came nearer us; at which my Husband run into the Bed
Chamber, and I after him; and shut the Door to us. By which means my Spark
had an opportunity to go out without Discovery. My Husband immediately got
into Bed, and cover'd himself over Head and Ears, and then thought he was
pretty safe, and charged me presently to put the Candle out: Which I
obey'd, and straight went to Bed to him; being well pleas'd I had so
cleverly brought off my Lover.
The next Morning, I ask'd my Husband what the matter was that made him so
extreamly discompos'd last Night: Why, says he, did you see nothing last
Night? Not I, said I, but only you dissorder'd as you were praying: O Love,
said he, I saw Death coming towards me as plain as I see you; and I believe
I shan't trouble you long; for Death held up his hand and beckon'd to me
several times: 'Tis nothing but your Fancy sure, said I, for I saw nothing,
'Tis certain true as you are there: And that you cou'd not see it, makes it
more Evident that Death came only unto me. But how do you know, said I,
that it was Death, if you did see something? Know! says he, why I knew it
very well, and if you'd seen it you'd a said of it as I do: For never any
thing look'd more pale in the World. The very thoughts of it frightens me
still--Besides the kindness that contrivance did me to make way for my
Gallant's escape that time, 'twas very serviceable to me afterwards; for
the Remembrance of the Ghost was always so fresh in my Husbands memory,
that he wou'd never venture into the Room again by Candle-Light. So that my
Love and I had other Assignations afterwards: and if my Husband happened to
come home before he went, it was but putting him into the Dining-Room and
he was safe enough, for I was sure my Husband never wou'd come there.
_Thus I advantage of his Weakness made,_
_Who was by Fear to Cuckoldome betray'd_
_And upon all Occurrences, I still_
_Contriv'd to blind his Eyes, and Act my Will:_
_For those in their Design will often fail._
_That know not how with ev'ry Wind to sail._
But after some time my Gallant fell Sick, and in the midst of his Sickness,
he was very much troubled with Qualms of Conscience for his Sins, and had
no more Wit and Honesty but to send me a Letter to acquaint me with it, and
to exhort me to repent; Which Letter my Husband happening to receive, all
our Intrigues were thereby discover'd; which made my Husband absolutely
relinquish me; and turn me out of Doors with much Disgrace. Which yet could
not at all reclaim me, for by my Husband's exposing me, I was past shame,
and car'd not what I did: But being in a very good Garb, and having some
Money, I took me Lodgings, and walk'd the Streets at a Night, picking up
whom I cou'd get.
Once I remember going along _Cheapside_, late at Night, a Citizen in a very
good Garb, coming up to me, Madam, said he, will you accept of a Glass of
_Canary_? I thank'd him, and went with him to the _Bull-head_ Tavern; where
he call'd for a Bottle of the best _Canary_; which being brought, after two
or three Glasses a piece, and as many more Kisses, he began to take up my
_Petticoats_; and I seeming a little coy, putting of 'em down, he grew more
eager; and was for a little diversion upon the Tavern Chairs; and whilst he
was eager in finishing what he was about, I began to dive into his Fob,
which I found well furnished with Guineas, besides a Gold-Watch, which I
took out, and look'd upon it, and put it up into his Pocket again very
carefully; and this I so often repeated, telling him I was a Person of
Quality, and that what I did, with respect to the Liberty I allow'd him,
was only for the Gratification of my Youthful Fancy, and as for any thing
of filthy Lucre, or bring a mercenary Creature, I did both scorn it, and
was much above it: All this by the Richness of my Garb, he was apt enough
to believe; and therefore was the less upon his Guard; but I beginning now
to be reduc'd, (not having my Husband's Bag's to go to, as I us'd to have)
thought he ought also to pay for the Pleasure he receiv'd from me, as well
as I formerly us'd to pay my Gallant for the Pleasure I receiv'd from him;
and therefore taking Twenty Guineas out of his Pockets, and telling them
before his Face, I pretended to put them all in again; but had cunningly
convey'd them into my own Pocket, and told twenty mill'd Shillings into
his; and also taking out his Watch again, as I had done several times
before, I convey'd the Watch into my own Pocket, and the Case only into
his: As we were just a parting, that I might come off with more Credit, I
bid him feel in's Pocket, and see he had his Watch and all his Guineas; and
clapping of his hand upon his Thigh, and feeling the Case, he said he had:
I further ask'd him if he had all his Guineas, and bid him tell 'em; and he
putting his hand in's Fob he told twenty, (which he took for Guineas, his
Silver being in another Fob) and told me I was very honest, he was sure
he'd all; and then desir'd to know my Name and where my Lodgings were; that
he might wait upon me some other time, and have the like enjoyment; which I
seem'd to desire as much as he, greatly commending his performances (tho'
to speak Truth, his Will was better far than his Ability, and his Gold
Watch and Guineas much exceeded either, for he was one of them which we
call Antiquated Whoremasters) and so to satisfie him, I gave him such
Directions as sent him to the other End o'th' Town, to seek a Needle in a
Bottle of Hay.
_Thus the Rich Cuff of's Gold and Watch was Chous'd:_
_Whilst I therewith in Racy Wine Carous'd_
_'Tis fitting that such Dablers shou'd be caught_
_And by their Losses to Repentance brought:_
_Who will not say I serv'd him in his Kind?_
_For he had that to which he had most mind._
_And since his Watch has left its empty Place,_
_I leave, him to bemoan his own light Case._
_For he may now by dear Experience say,_
_Time oftentimes unknown will Slip away._
The next Week after this, I was pick'd up by a brisk Spark, who likewise
had me to the Tavern, and seeing me in a rich Garb, (and tho' I say it,
tolerably handsome then) was very civil to me, and treated me with much
respect, giving me a good Dish of Fish for Supper, which with good Store of
Wine, serv'd as a fit Provocative for that which follow'd after. But before
we began those Pleasures to which the Treat was but an Introduction, he
flung me down a Guinea, and told me he design'd that for a pair of Gloves
for me; which when I seem'd unwilling to accept of, as looking somewhat
mercenary; No, Madam, says he, this is what I freel'y offer, and cann't
therefore be thought mercenary: But now you talk of that, I'll tell you a
good Jest was put last Week upon a Friend of mine, a _Linnen-Draper_, who
'tho he'd so much Holland of his own, wou'd needs be taking up of other
Folk's. For this old Cuckold-Maker being got Fluster'd, and something late
out one Night the last Week, picks up a Gentlewoman and has her to the
Tavern--(and so repeated the whole Story I before have told you, Madam;
with this addition, which but for him I never shou'd have known). That when
the old Fornicator was come home, he had a severe Lecture from his
disgruntl'd Lady, who told him he had either been asleep or worse; for that
it was near two a Clock. But the old Cuss thinking to pacifie her Anger by
convincing her it wan't so late, wou'd needs go look upon his Watch; but
quickly finding that altho' the Nest was there, the Bird was flown, put up
the Case again, with only saying, _Good lack a day! How strangely time will
slip away in Company, before a Man's aware!_ But the next Morning being to
pay a Merchants Man a Bill for a small parcel of _Hambrough-Cloth_ that
came to 22 Guineas, and his Cashier going to reach the Money, he put his
hand into his Fob, _Hold_ (says he to his Man) _I have Twenty Guineas here,
and I can make them up in Silver_, and so flings his Supposed Guineas down
upon the Counter; But was exceedingly surpriz'd to see that they had lost
their Colour, and were all White instead of Yellow. However at the present
he stifled his Resentments, and told his man that he must fetch the Money
out of the Till, for he remember'd now he had paid away all his Guineas.
Presently after which, (says my Gallant, that told the Story to me) he came
to me, and I perceiving him extreamly out of humour, ask'd what the matter
was? _Never was Man_, says he, _so Trick'd as I have been last Night. For
being out somewhat late_, says he, _and somewhat Fluster'd, I pick'd up a
small Girl, which I thought was the honestest that ever I met with, but she
has prov'd the veriest Jilt that e'er I had to do with, and Trick'd me out
of a Gold Watch and Twenty Guineas._ And then, said he, related all that I
have told you; and bid me besure to have a care of them that wou'd pretend
they were not mercenary, for they'll be trebly paid for what they do. But
you, Madam, said he to me, look like a Gentlewoman above such shifts as
those. If you respect me, Sir, said I, you have the Remedy in your own
hands; and therefore if you please I will withdraw. No, Madam, by no means,
says he, I only told you this Story to divert you, Madam: In short, we soon
agreed; for he was much a Gentleman, and perform'd what he undertook to my
great Satisfaction; and I (or else he flatter'd me) gave him as much
content.
But 'twas not always I had such good Luck, for not long after, I met with
one, who tho' he appear'd very well to sight, gave me more than I car'd
for; and more than I cou'd rid my self on for a great while after. 'Twas
then, Madam, by taking _Mercury_, and using Salivations, to be rid of that
unwelcome Guest, the Pox, that I lost all that Beauty which I once cou'd
boast of. And then, as one misfortune seldom comes alone, my Husband,
whilst I was in this condition, dy'd; who while he liv'd, allow'd me some
small Maintenance; but hearing on his Death-Bed the Misfortune that had
then befallen me, he became so exasperated against me, he only left me
Twenty Shillings to buy a Coffin for me, as thinking I shou'd ne'er
Recover; whereas before, as I have since been told by the Executors, he
design'd at least a hundred Pounds for me.
The great Expences of my Sickness (which had besides made me unfit for
Business) had brought me pretty low; and I was now quite destitute of any
other way to help my self but the old Trade of Whoring; and yet I was
afraid of being now a Common Night-walker, lest I shou'd meet with such
another Job as I had met withal before; which wou'd have ruin'd me to all
Intents and Purposes: But by a Friend of mine, that had been a Well-wisher
to the calling, I was advis'd, as much the safer way, to list my self as a
Retainer to a Private _Vaulting School_; where I was told (and indeed found
it so) that there were none admitted but what were Sound and Tight. To
this, altho the Gains to me was less, yet since there was less hazard of
the Pox, I thought it best to hire my self: And this Madam, was such a
House as now I keep my self. Where we don't only take special care, that
none but what are free from all Distempers be admitted; but likewise have
Surgeons and Apothecaries with whom we are in Fee, who, if we but suspect
the least miscarriage, straight give us something that may carry't off.
Here I continued for some time: and tho I say't, behav'd my self so well,
that I was prefer'd to the best Gentlemen; for tho, my Natural Beauty had
been much decay'd, yet I by Art so patch'd it up again, that I by my good
Management, pass'd for a Maid at first to all that didn't know me: And
besides what my Mistress got, I am sure I had ten Guineas given me by an
Esquire for parting with my Maiden-head; which I had parted with many years
past; and yet I sold it to new Customers several times after.
During the time that I was in this Station, I met with several odd
Adventures; some of which I shall briefly give you an account of.
Having been one day abroad, my Mistress desired me to call at the
_Carriers_, to see if there was any young Country-Lasses come to Town (for
our calling is not to be carried on to advantage without now and then
having fresh Goods) I went to that purpose to _Bosom's Inn_; and had that
day drest up my self like a Country-Lass that I might with the less
difficulty engage 'em. But when I came thither, I found there was none:
While I was asking the _Carrier_ when I might expect any, I saw a couple of
young Gentlemen standing near me, as if they had some Business with the
_Carrier_ when I had done; which occasion'd me to make the more haste: As
soon as I had left the _Carrier_ and was come away, before I was got into
_St. Lawrence Lane_, they over-took me, and ask'd me if I was not a
_Lancashire_ Maid? I told 'em Yes; being resolv'd to know what their design
was. Then they ask'd me what part of _Lancashire_? I told 'em _Preston_;
for I was acquainted with the Names of the chief Towns there. They then
desired me to go and take part of a Glass of Wine with them; which I at
first seem'd to scruple, but being more importunately urg'd, I was easily
perswaded. And so went to the _Feathers-Tavern_ near _Queenstreet_ Corner
in _Cheapside_; where a Glass of _Canary_ being call'd for, one of 'em
drank to me, and I drank to the other. After which one of 'em came pretty
close up to me, and would needs have been feeling where I was'nt willing to
let him, whereupon I told him he was very uncivil to invite one that was a
Stranger to a Tavern; and then to offer any such thing to her. Let her
alone says the other, I believe she's but new come out of the Countrey, and
does not understand the way of the Town: Pray, Sweet-heart, says he,
addressing himself to me, How long have you been in Town? Ever since last
_Fryday_, said I: But pray, why do ye ask? To be plain with ye, says he,
This young Man and my self have a Request to you, which if you grant, may
be for your Advantage as long as you live: Pray, Sir, said I what's that?
Why, says he, we are both Apprentices in one House, at a _Linnen drapers_
in _Cornhill_? (but 'tis no Matter for that, for you don't know Places yet)
and we have a mind to keep a young Woman between us; and we wou'd willingly
have a Countrey-Maid, that is'nt much acquainted with the Town; and if you
please, you shall be she. I presently smoaked their design, but behav'd my
self as ignorantly as I cou'd on purpose, because I found there was
something to be got by 'em. So I reply'd, Withal my heart, Sir, if we can
agree, for I want a good Service. Well, says the other Spark that wou'd
have been so forward with me, We shan't disagree, I dare say. What Wages do
you ask? Why Sir, says I, I have liv'd in good Gentlemens Houses in
_Lancashire_; and I think I deserve Four pounds a Year. Well, well, says
the other we shall give you Four times Four pounds a year and more: But
then you must do what we'd have you. Yes, said I, I shall be willing to do
what you'd have me, if you please to tell me what it is: Why said he, your
Business will be Easie enough, and pleasant enough: For we intend to take a
very good Lodging for you, and provide you with all things necessary; and
your Business shall only be to lie with one of us one Night, and the other
another. The chief thing we shall desire of you, is only to keep your self
entirely to us, and not stir out without our Approbation. And for other
things you shall have what you will, and be maintain'd like a Gentlewoman;
For we'll maintain you; and the Money you shall have, shall be for your own
Occasions, and to find you New Cloths. _Well, Sir, says I, for such things
we shou'd not differ; but we in the Country think 'tis a Wicked thing to
lye with Folks, unless they be Married; and then they mun be married but to
one nother: And so that mun not be, Sir._ I know not what you do in the
Country, _says one of the Sparks_, but here in _London_ 'tis as common as
Washing of Dishes. And People of the best Quality do it. Look ye,
_continued he_, to Encourage you, we will give you Thirty Pounds a Year:
And Maintain you besides. We cou'd have enow in Town to serve us, and thank
you too; but we look upon you to be an Innocent Country Maid, and for that
reason we had rather have you than another: Are you sure you are a Maid,
_said the other_? _Sure!_ said I? _Yes, I think I am._ Yes, yes, _said the
other_, I believe she is: _But I believe_, said I, _You but taak'n all this
while, for no Body mun do such things._ No, I'll assure you, _says the more
serious of the two_, We are in Earnest; and we'll pay you down half your
Money, fifteen Pounds now, to put your self in a good Garb, fit for a
Gentleman's Mistress. _But what mun I do for't_, said I? _Let's agree upon
that first. You shall be Mistress to us both_, said they: _And let one of
us lye with you one time, and the other another: And we'll now go along
with you, and take a Lodging for you; and you shall go under the Notion of
our _Sister_, and we will be your _Brothers_; And so no Notice shall be
taken of it._--_But not to trouble you longer, _Madam_, with the
Particulars, we at last agreed the matter; and I had fifteen Pounds paid me
down for half a Years Pay: And my two Sparks cast Lots, to decide the
Important Controversie of who should lie with me first: And it happened to
him that was the most Civil of the Two; And he was to tarry with me till
Ten a Clock at Night, at my New Lodgings, and then to go home, for he cou'd
not stay all Night. So to it we went, and I gave him all the Satisfaction
he desir'd; counterfeiting the matter so well, that he was mightily pleased
with the Enjoyment he had: And went home very well satisify'd; telling me,
he wou'd acquaint his fellow-Prentice that was to come the next Night, that
he had found me all Love and Charms. And so took his Leave of me._
When my young Gallant was gone, I began to consider that I had all I was
like to have of 'em: and that one Fool was enough to be troubled with; and
since they had paid me but one half of my Salary, and for that one of 'em
had enjoy'd me, & had what he wanted, I tho' we were pretty even. And so
getting up Early the next Morning, I left at once my Lodgings and Gallants.
And at night when the other came, (as without Doubt he did instead of
Meeting with me,) I left him this Note in the Key-hole,
_For your small Stipend, I'll ne'er liv in Goal,_
_Go seek a Trull that can divide her Tayl:_
_One half I've Pleas'd, I one half am Paid:_
_Had I got all, I shou'd have longer Staid._
_And yet you cann't say I was Ungenteel,_
_For I let one _Kiss_ and the other _Feel_._
How pleas'd the disappointed Fop was with my Poetry, I know not; for I
ne'er went again to my New Lodging to enquire after 'em.
_Well_, said the Goldsmiths Lady, _I ne'er heard of a prettier Intrigue
before and I dare say you serv'd 'em very handsomely.--But pray proceed_.
Another time, I serv'd a Goldsmith's Prentice a pretty Trick; For having
been abroad about some business, and coming home i'th' evening, a young
Spark, exceeding Beauish, (with a New Modish Suit of Cloaths on) that had
been drinking hard all Day, would need be picking of me up, when I did'nt
at all intend it. But seeing him so earnest for a Bout, that I cou'd'nt get
rid of him, I had him to a House I was acquainted with by th' way, and
there after a heartening Cup or two, and having handled his Posteriours, to
see he didn't put a Trick upon me, I let him have what he so eagerly
desir'd; and diving into his Pockets i'th' mean while, I found he had but
one poor single Shilling left; which vext me so, that I resolv'd I wou'd be
even with him another way; and therefore when he had done what he'd a mind
to do, I presently call'd briskly for a fresh Bottle of the Best, which
whilst we were drinking, I said _Well, Spark, as a Reward for your
excellent Performance, which has been beyond my Expectation, and shew'd you
to be a good Womans Man, I will divert you with an Entertainment worth your
Seeing. Come, it shall cost you nothing; only I must beg the Favour of you
to unrig, and lend me your Cloaths for half an hour; and I will bring you a
Mant and Petticoat to wear the while; and you shall see a Jolly Crew of
Active Dames, which will perform such Leacherous Agilities as will stir you
up to take the other Touch, and far out-vie whatever has been either done,
or related to be done, by Madam _Creswel_, Posture _Moll_, the Countess of
_Alsatia_, or any other German Rope-dancer whatever._ The Spark was
extreamly tickled with the Fancy, and presently uncas'd himself; and gave
me all his Bravery, and was so over-forward, that he not only gave me his
Cloaths, but his Rings, Cane, and Hat, and Wig; so that he left hinself
nothing but his Shirt and his Stockings; and the Mistress of the House
being my Friend, I borrowed of her an old Mant and Petty-coat; which the
Fool of a Fop put on. I told him I must intreat his Patience for half an
hours time, till the Company was Drest, and so went down Stairs; and
telling of my Friend how it went, and we being to go half Snips in the
Booty, I went off with the things, which I pawn'd for about four Pounds,
keeping his Rings to my self, and left my Landlady to manage the rest.
After the Disrobed Spark had waited for the space of an hour with great
Petience, and longing Expectation, for this Comical Show, and no Body came
at him, his Patience was quite tir'd, and therefore knocking with his foot,
the Maid of the House came up, of whom he enquired for such a Person, as
well as he could, describing me. The Maid pretended an intire Ignorance of
the matter, and so whipp'd down Stairs again. But he knocking again, up
comes the Mistress, who seeming to take him for a Woman, ask'd him, _What
he would have?_ He answer'd, _Such a Woman to whom he'd lent his Cloaths_;
but she not only made her self Ignorant of the matter, but call'd him
_Bitch, Whore, Cheat, Pick-Pocket_, and all to nought, concluding her
Harmonious Harrangue in this manner, _Ye dirty Drab, don't think to put
your Cheats upon me: You came in here with a Spruce Young Man, and for
ought I know you have Pick'd his Pocket, and sent him away, and now you go
about to Cheat me of my Reckoning; but that shan't do ye _Whore_, for I'll
have my Reckoning quickly, or else I'll Strip your Gown off your Arse_; but
the poor Rogue having no Money to pay, she forthwith stript him of his
Mant: And thus half Naked, in a Petticoat slit up to the Breeches; an old
broken pair of Stays, and a few Ragged Head-Cloaths, he was kick'd down
Stairs into the Street. _And being willing to know the end of this Comical
Adventure, I had planted one to watch what he did: Who followed him at a
distance till he went into an _Alehouse_ in _Foster-Lane_, where my Spy
went in after him, and called for a Pot of Drink; and there heard him tell
a Lamentable Story how he was robb'd by some _Foot-Pads_ (as he came from
_Hampstead_, where he had been to see his _Uncle_) who had stript him of
all his Cloaths, and given him those things to cover his Nakedness: The
People of the House compassionated him very much, and lent him a Suit of
Cloaths, Hat and Wig, with which he went to his Master's, who was a
Goldsmith, and liv'd at the sign of the ---- in Cheapside.--And I appeal to
you Madam, whether he wasn't serv'd in his kind._
_I think_, reply'd the Goldsmiths Lady, _you are very happy and Ingenious
in all your Contrivances; and for ought I know, might have contributed more
to reclaim him from those Courses, than all the Lectures and Sermons that
could have been Preached against 'em; for one wou'd think he should have
but little Mind any more to those Sweet Meats which were attended with such
sower Sauce--But pray go on with the Story of your Life._
_Madam_, said she, having continued for many years with my Mistress, where
we kept very good orders, and liv'd in Reputation also among our Neighbors,
for we went constantly to Church, not only to make a shew of being
Religious, but to expose ourselves to the view of the Gallants: For our
Mistress or Governess always ordered us to follow her, and to take all
opportunitiss, as we came down Stairs from the Galleries, or as we past
over the Kennels in the Streets, to lift up our Coats so high, that we
might shew our handsome Legs and Feet, with a good fine Worsted or Silk
pair of Stockins on; by which means the Gallants would be sure either to
dog us 'emselves, or else to send their Footmen to see where we liv'd, and
then they would afterwards come to us themselves. By which means we have
got many a good Customer. And when we came home from Church, we generally,
if we had none of our Gallants with us, spent our time in reading of
Play-Books, that we might know the better how to entertain our Guests with
witty Discourses. Having, I say, spent several years in this calling, and
got some Monys by me, our Mistress happened to Die; and I finding the
Decays of Nature come upon me, and that I began to grow unserviceable, I
bought the Goods and Furniture my self, and so kept others under me, as my
Mistress had done before me. And drove that Trade in the same House (which
was in St. _Thomas Apostles_) for many years, and might have been there
still, had it not been for one Unfortunate Accident, which I'll next relate
to you.
One Day a Gentleman in a very good genteel Habit, knocks at my Door, which
I open'd my self, and ask'd him what he'd have? Upon which, coming in a
Doors, Madam, says he, I understand that you are a Person Charitably
Disposed, and do now and then help a Languishing Lady, or a Love-sick
Gallant: And therefore I took this Opportunity to Salute you, hoping that
you will shew the same kindness to me, that you have done to others upon
the same Considerations.--Sir, said I, you must give me leave to ask you
some Questions before we enter into any further conversation--With all my
heart, Madam, said he:--Then, said I, Pray who recommended you to me, on
that account? I hope you don't take me for a Bawd? Nay, Madam, said he,
pray don't affront me; Neither do I look like a Porter, common Soldier, or
Lacquey, so as to stand in need of a Bawds Assistance: Nor am I one of
those who will take up with what the Street affords: For I assure you I
don't eat _Baked Pudding_ or _Apple-Pye_ at _Holbourn-Bridge_, or such
other Places, as common Carmen do. Nor, to be plain with you, Madam, said
he, am I one of those Fellowes that usually Dine at any Greasie Ordinaries;
and therefore I am for something fit for a Gentleman, and will pay
accordingly. Very well, Sir, says I: I hope you will take nothing amiss; I
see you are a Gentleman; but I have sometimes had Tricks put upon me, and
therefore am as choice in the company I entertain, as you are in keeping
your Company. Upon which account be not angry if I repeat my Question, Pray
who recommended you to me? To which he reply'd, Madam, I thought you had
not been so very scrupulous at this time of Day, when Money is so very
scarce. But seeing you press me to it, I know that you help'd Esq; ---- to
a very fine Mistress.--The Gentleman he Named, being one I was well
acquainted with, and whose Necessities I had often supply'd with some of my
First-rate-Frigots, as he used to call 'em; I had no more mistrust of him;
and therefore taking him to be a Friend of his: Nay, now, said I to him,
you begin to speak Sense. Be pleased to go along with me; and so lead him
into a Room which joyn'd to my Parlour that was hung round with Pictures;
representing all the Amours of _Ovid_'s Heathen Gods; and amongst them were
intermix'd several of those Ladies of Pleasure I kept in my House, drawn in
very amorous and inviting Postures; One with her Golden Tresses dishelv'd
upon her Shoulders & her Brests Naked; another was drawn putting on her
Smock, a third tying her Garters, and a Fourth in the Arms of her Gallant:
When he had well looked round about him, _Madam_, said he, _I perceive you
have Entertainment to provoke the dullest Appetite; and if you have really
the Original of these Pictures, I don't much wonder that you insist upon
good Terms. Therefore pray let me know what you expect to Oblige me with
the dishelv'd Golden Locks._ Sir, said I, my lowest is a Guinea in hand,
and a Guinea a Week for the Accomodation of my House; and taking care that
you may have her ready for your use, so long as you continue my Pensioner:
But as for her own Terms, I leave that to your self and her--_But_, said
he, _may I not see the Person first, that I may be satisfied the Painter
has not flatter'd her?_ Yes, Sir, said I, provided that you don't spend too
much time before you come to a Conclusion.--_Leave that to me_, said he,
_for you shall be no Looser:_ Whereupon I slipt out of the Room, and call'd
one Mrs. _Gertrude_ (which was the Person he desir'd) who came in
immediately; and going up towards the Gentleman, he desir'd her to sit
down; and as I was a with drawing he call'd to me likewise, and told me he
must discourse with us both, before he enter'd into any further
Familiarity; and then, addressing himself to Mrs. _Gertrude_, said, _Well,
my pretty Madam, what Gratification do you expect for your Company _per_
Week?_ She answer'd him, Two Guineas: _But_, said he, _What assurance,
Madam, shall I have that you will be my Sole Property during the time that
you and I agree upon? And that you will not dispence your Favours, likewise
to others?_ Nay, Sir, said I to him, if you intend to Monopolize her wholly
to your self, you must raise your Price, or we cannot else Maintain our
selves like Gentlewomen; and afford Accommodations fit for Gentlemen.
_Well, Ladies_, said he, _I will now pull off my Mask: You have both
confessed your way of Living to me, and I have discover'd your Crimes,
without being Criminal my self: And therefore not doubting but both of you
pretend to be Christians, for I am told you go constantly to Church, I
adjure you by his Name whom you profess, to tell me how you can answer it
to him, or to your own Consciences, to Live in downright Disobedience to
his holy Laws, and in defiance to the known Laws of the Land?_ With much
more Preachment to the same Purpose, too long to repeat. I must Confess
both my self and Mrs. _Gertrude_, were both struck with some Amazement at
this unexpected Entertainment; And seeing her a little daunted, I answer'd,
Sir, I shall quickly bring you those that will give you better
Satisfaction. And so rise up to call in a couple of Men-Servants belonging
to my House. Upon which he rise up likewise, and catching me by the Arm,
pull'd out a short Constable's Staff, Commanding me to sit down, or
otherwise I should find it was in his Power to take another Course with me.
This indeed increas'd my surprise, and made me a little mute for the
Present; which he seeing, got between the Door and us, and then was so
uncivil as to tell me, That I was a Vile Woman; and all the difference he
knew between a Bawd and a Procurer, was only such as was between a common
_Tom-Turd-Man_, and a Person of Qualities House-Maid, who Emptied
_Close-Stools_: And then told Mrs _Gertrude_ that the difference between
her and the Trulls that pli'd in the Streets, was no other then betwixt a
common _Vau't_ and a Private _Close-stool_. Upon which she told him that
his Comparisons were very odious; and that such Language didn't become a
Gentleman: But he answer'd, That our Language wanted words to express the
fulsomeness of our Crimes, calling us _Dogs_, and _Swine_, and _Goats_, and
a deal of such _Billingsgate-Stuff_, till he had so provok'd my Passion,
That I told him boldly, That I didn't value his Fanatical Cant, for there
were Men of better Sense than he, thought it no Sin; and that I knew the
Opinion of the greatest Wits in the Town, in those things; and car'd not
what a parcel of Canting Coxcombs said.--To which he reply'd, _My Coming
hither was to do you good, and to turn you (if Possible) from your Wicked
Courses; but seeing you are hardened in it, and will not be reclaimed, I
will take care to have your Quarters beat up, and spoil your Trading here
for time to come._ And so he left us.
This unexpected Adventure put us all to a stand. And after consulting what
was best to be done, I resolved not to venture being expos'd, and so
immediately with-drew, and took down all my Pictures, leaving only a
Servant in the House for some days, to see whether he wou'd be as good as
his word: and in three Days after, a Constable came with a Warrant to
search the House for disorderly Persons; but finding only a Servant there,
he told her he perceiv'd the Birds were flown. The search being over, some
of my Women were for returning again; but I oppos'd it, as not judging it
safe; and the Event prov'd it so; for the Day they design'd to have gone,
there was another Search made, and a strict enquiry after what was become
of us? Which made all to commend my Caution and Conduct.
This last Search made us look upon that Place as unsafe to go to again; for
I perceiv'd that Disguis'd Constable was a busie Fellow, and wou'd be
always Jealous of our Returning again. So I threw up my Lease of that
House, and from thence came hither: Where I have continued ever since. And
carrying a good Correspondence amongst my Neighbours, I have never been
molested here, but when there is any Trade stirring, I have my share of it.
And thus, Madam, I have given you the History of my Life hitherto; which I
have been more particular in, because of your Civility and Generosity
towards me. And if you find at any time an occasion to make use of any
Gentleman to supply any Deficiency you may meet with at home, or to
gratifie your Inclination with a desire of Change I will be always ready to
serve you to the utmost of my Power.
The Bawd having thus finish'd her Narration, the Goldsmith's Lady gave her
many thanks, and told her that her Relation had been very diverting to her,
_But_, said she, _there is one thing that I have had a mind to ask you two
or three times and still forgot it._ Pray Madam, said the Bawd, What may
that be? For I am very ready to resolve you in any thing I can--_That is_,
reply'd the She-Goldsmith, _Whether or no these new Attempts for
Reformation be not a very great hinderance to you in your Business? For I
am told that some of the Members of the Society put themselves into all
Shapes, that they may make a Discovery of such Houses. And I suppose he who
disturb'd you at your other House might be one of them. And therefore
methinks this should quite spoil your Trade: For as matters are now
manag'd, how do you know who to Trust?_
To this the Bawd reply'd thus: As to what you say Madam, there is this in
it, That it makes us use more Caution than we us'd to do. For we now admit
of none into our Houses that are Strangers. But perhaps you may say, That I
us'd a great deal of Caution with the other Person who was a Trapan before;
which is really true enough; and when he mention'd to me Esq; ---- I
thought I might very well have trusted him: But I'll tell you how that
hapen'd; Esq; _S----_ had it seems been talking to some intimate Friends of
his, of some very pretty Ladies that he had to do withal: For indeed being
a good Customer, and paying very well, he had always the Cream of all that
came to my House; being very much a Gentleman; and one whom I wou'd be glad
to help to your Embraces, if you wou'd do me that Honour, and I am sure you
cann't have to do with a Compleater Person, and one better fitted to serve
a Woman. _You wou'd, make me have a Mind to him_, reply'd the Lady: Well,
Madam, _said the Bawd_, ere it be long, I'll bring you two together. But,
as I was a saying, he having told some intimate Friends of his, that he had
the enjoyment of a very fine Lady: said one of 'em, _Prithee_ Esq, _who
is't that helps you to these fine Ladies that you talk of?_ Upon this, not
doubting but they wou'd keep his Counsel, he told 'em 'twas I that help'd
him, upon such occasions; and one of these Gentlemen told another of his
Comrades in the hearing of the Disguis'd Constable, who made that use of it
I have already told you. But now, to prevent the like accidents, we admit
no Strangers, unless they bring a Letter from the Person they are
Recommended by, and therein an Account of the last time they were here. By
which means we are very secure; and tho' the Society for Reformation, as
they call it, does utterly Ruine all such as are Publick Houses of
Assignation, yet our Trade is rather made the better by it; because here
they may meet without Danger of being Exposed, as a Worthy Gentlewoman had
like to have been not long ago, which might have been her Ruine, had she
not fallen into the hands of Gentlemen.
_Pray how was that_, said the Goldsmith's Lady?
It is a Story worth your hearing, _reply'd the Bawd_; and if you please
I'll give you the Relation of it, as I had it from one of the Gentlemen
concern'd therein. _You will Oblige me very much_; answer'd the Lady.
Whereupon the Bawd thus began.
It happened that two Gentlemen belonging to the Army (of which the one was
my Particular Acquaintance, and a good Customer to my House) taking Water
at the _Still-yard_, was minded to divert themselves upon the River, by
going up to _Chelsie_-Reach; where they sometimes met with pretty Ladies
proper for their Purpose, But as they were going along, they perceived a
very fine Gentlewoman in a rich Garb, in a _Sculler_, all alone; and also
observed that she made the _Sculler_, who was a good likely Young Man, row
her sometimes one way, and sometimes another, without going to any certain
Place. This gave 'em occasion to Conjecture that she had appointed some
Spark or other to meet her thereabouts, whose coming she expected with some
Impatience; as they easily perceiv'd:
_For that which frets a Woman most,_
_Is when her Expectation's crost._
After she had near half hour in that manner fluctuated to and fro upon the
silver Surges of _Thamesis_, like one of the _Nereides_, and found she was
disappointed; she bid the _Sculler_ Land her at the _Three Cranes_, which
he accordingly did; and the Gentlemen likewise order'd their _Oars_ to Land
'em at the same Place; and observ'd, after the Lady was Landed, that the
_Sculler_ ask'd for his Money, and she bid him follow her; and after he
follow'd her into _Thames-street_, he began to grumble, and told her he
cou'd go no further, and therefore he wou'd have his Money; which she wou'd
not give him whithout he went wither she was going, telling him she wou'd
pay him for his time. This made the Gentlemen dog her, and soon after saw
her go into the _Three-Cranes Tavern_, and the _Sculler_ after her; which
the Gentlemen seeing, and (being resolv'd to know the bottom of this
intrigue) follow'd them into the same Tavern; and bid the Drawer, if it was
possible, let them have the next Room to that which the Gentlewoman had,
who came in just before 'em with a _Waterman_ following her: The Drawer
told 'em there was Company in the next Room then, but they were paying
there Reckoning, and would be gone immediately; and in the mean time
desir'd 'em to walk into a Box in the Yard, which they accordingly did; and
whilst they sat there, they saw the Waterman go out again. Presently after
the Drawer came and told 'em that the Room was now empty, which they
forthwith went into, and had the conveniency through a hole in the Wall, to
see the Gentlewoman unseen, who sat leaning her Arm upon the Table, in a
very melancholy Posture, as one much dissatisfy'd; having a Glass of Wine
before her, and Pen, Ink and Paper. Soon after the Waterman comes in again,
and tells her the Gentleman had not been at home since Morning, nor did
they know where he was. Where's the Note that I gave you, says she? Which
he giving her, she took and tore it, and then burn'd it, Then taking the
Glass, what's your Name, Waterman, said she? An't please you, Madam, my
Name's _John_: Well, then honest _John_ here's to ye, says she; and drank
off her Glass, and made _John_ fill a Brimmer and drink it off. And then
_John_ offering to go, she said, No, _John_, you shan't go yet, I have
something to eat, and you shall stay and eat with me: Don't be uneasie
_John_, for I'll pay you well for your time. Presently up comes the Drawer
and brings a _Lobster_ and a Piece of _Sturgeon_, with him; then bidding
the Drawer bring a Quart of _Canary_ up, she ask'd _John_ whether he lov'd
_Lobster_ and _Sturgeon_? Yes, very well, Madam, reply'd _John_, but they
are too good for my common Eating. After the other Quart of _Canary_ was
brought up, and the Drawer gone down, she bid _John_ come nearer and sit
down; and at last having both eat and drank Plentifully, she pull'd _John_
close to her, and told him he look'd like a clever well-made Fellow, and
ask'd him, if he did'nt think himself capable of doing a Ladies Business?
which put _John_ so much out of Countenance he did'nt know what to say to
her: Upon which, first Embracing the Dull Fool in her Arms, Come, says she,
let's see how well you're furnish'd: And then putting her Hand into his
Breeches, _John_ began to think she was in Earnest, and made as bold with
her; giving her what she wanted; and then calling for another Quart of
Wine, and having drank and repeated their Amorous Embraces two or three
times, she gave _John_ a Guinea; and told him she lik'd him so well, that
she would go by Water with him that day Sennight; and charg'd him to meet
her then at five a Clock, at _Paul's Wharf_; and she wou'd then give him
such another Treat. Which _John_ promis'd her to do, and so went away very
well Satisfied. The two Gentlemen who (unseen of her) had seen and heard
all those Passages; were resolv'd to make a further Discovery of the
Gentlewoman and so dogg'd her home to her own House, which happen'd to be
at a _Woollen-Drapers_ in St. _Paul's Church-Yard_. Having thus seen her at
her own House they left her, and went to their own Lodgings.
The next Morning they went into _Paul's Church-Yard_ to make the Lady a
visit, but past many times to & fro before the Door, but cou'd'nt get a
sight of her. In the Afternoon they came again, and having waited up and
down about an hour, they at last saw her in the Shop, and knew her to be
the same Person: Whereupon going into the Shop they ask'd her to see some
of the best _Scarlet-Cloth_, and whilst the other Gentleman was busie in
choosing the Cloth, my Friend took an opportunity to tell the Lady what a
Passion he had for her, and how ready he wou'd be to serve her with the
greatest hazard, and how he hop'd to be made happy with the enjoyment of
her last Favours; but she seeming to be mightily affronted at his
Discourse, told him, That if he did'nt leave off prating at that rate to
her, she would call to her Man to Kick him out of the Shop: Which
disdainful Carriage did so much exasperate him, that he replyed with some
heat, Why Madam, do you think I cann't do your Business as well as _John_
did, at the _Three-Cranes_ Tavern in _Thame-street_, last Night? These
words made her change as Pale as Death: Sir, said she, As you are a
Gentleman, I hope you won't expose me: And I'll oblige you in what'e'er you
ask me.--Chuse your Cloth, says she, and I'll come down to you presently.
And then going up Stairs she return'd again in two minutes, and put twenty
Guineas into his hands, to pay for the Cloth, appointing to meet 'em at the
old Tavern an hour after; which she did accordingly, gratifying both the
Gentlemen with the same Favours she had bestow'd the Night before upon
_John_ the Waterman, whose Nose these Gentlemen had put out of
joint.--Judge you now, Madam, what a case this Gentlewoman had been in, had
she fallen into other hands. But all such accidents are avoided by those
that make use of such a House as mine.
The Bawd having made an End of her Discourse, after a little pause, The
Goldsmith's Lady thus began:
_I return you many Thanks for the Relation of your Life: Your Advice before
has sav'd my Reputation to my Husband and the World; which he who had first
Tempted me to Lewdness, and overcame me through the Love of Money, would
have afterwards Expos'd; for which I think my self oblig'd to you: But the
Relation you have now given me, has Oblig'd me much more; for it has made
me quite out of Love with the Trade you have all along follow'd; if for
nothing else, because of the Dangers that attend it. For if you look back,
and reflect upon your first going astray, it was full of danger and hazard;
and how private so ever you thought you were in it, yet it could not escape
your Husbands Jealousie and Mistrust; and at last, when you least suspected
it, was fully discover'd by your Gallant himself. And that occasion'd your
being turn'd out of Doors; and that taking all sense of shame from you, (as
you well observed) exposed you to a thousand Temptantions; which being
suited to your own Natural Inclinations, you presently closed withal; which
in a little time was, it seems, attended by the Pox; and which besides,
many times laid you open to the Cognizance of the Civil Magistrate; and
made you afraid of every one you saw; which must needs be a very uneasy
Life.--I can speak some thing of this by my own experience: For after I had
given way to Mr. _Bramble_'s desires, and yeilded to his Unlawful Embraces,
I was so full of Guilt, that when ever my Husband call'd hastily to me, or
spoke in the least angrily, I thought it was to tell me of my playing the
Whore with Mr. _Bramble_, my guilt still flying in my Face; so that I wou'd
not be expos'd to the like Fears again, for double the value of what I
receiv'd from him. But having been over come by him, the fear of his
exposing of me, as I perceive he intended, had not you helpt me to prevent
him, caus'd me to serve him as I did._--But you cannot imagine, (said she)
what a Consternation I was put into the other Night, when a Constable that
lives hard by us, and is one of the Society for Reformation, came to our
House, and told my Husband he came to tell him of some Discoveries he had
lately made, which were worth his hearing: My blood came all into my Face,
and I did not question but that I was to be the Subject of his Discourse.
But when I had heard out his Stories, I was better satisfy'd: Tho' they
were such as sufficiently declare the Danger, that such as you are dayly
in, of being detected, as those were of whom he gave my Husband a Relation:
Which indeed I thought to be diverting enough, as long as it did not
concern me. For tho' we care not to be expos'd our selves, we are yet ready
to take a kind of pleasure in hearing that others are so.
If it were not too great a trouble (said the Bawd) I should be glad to hear
what those Discoveries were, that he made to your Husband; which perhaps
may be of use to me in knowing how to prevent the like Disasters.
I shall esteem it no trouble (reply'd the Gentlewoman) to tell you any
thing I can, that may be serviceable to you; especially, if it may but
prevail with you to leave off a Calling that is so hazardous as well as
wicked--But that will be more proper to discourse, when I have given you
the Constable's Relation; and that I shall give you in his own words; which
were as follows:
Being resolved, if possible, to prevent all that Debauchery that is acted
in the Streets of this great City every Night, I dress'd up my self as like
a Beau as possibly I could, and then taking my short Staff in my Pocket, I
went t'other Night abroad, to see what Discoveries I could make: And as I
went along the _Strand_, I met with a young Woman by the New _Exchange_,
who pretending to stumble, catch'd hold of my Coat, to save her self from
falling, and begg'd my Pardon for her Rudeness: I soon understood her
meaning, and looking upon her to be one of those Cattle I was in quest of,
I ask'd her whither she was going? She told me as far as _Sheer-Lane_, to
an Aunt of hers, where she Lodged, and she should be glad of my Company; by
which, being confirmed in what I before thought, I bid her go on, and I
would follow her, which I also did: and coming to the place said he, I
found there an old wither'd Bawd, who presently had us into a Room, and
ask'd us what we wou'd drink? I told her what the young Woman pleas'd; who
hereupon call'd for a Bottle of Ale. I told her I cou'd'nt drink, and
therefore bid her call her Aunt to drink with her: The old Woman coming in,
I bid her sit down, and ask'd her, how long she had follow'd that Trade;
What Trade, Sir, says she? Of keeping Nieces, said I: For I understand you
are this young Woman's Aunt. O Sir, said she, you are a merry Gentleman. I
have followed this Trade of being an Aunt, ever since Age made me uncapable
of being a Niece. That's a long Time ago, said I; but I believe it had been
better for you to have gone a _Nurse-keeping_, then a _Neice-keeping_.
That's your mistake Sir, says she: For as old as I am, I had rather hear a
young Girl and a brisk Spark Sing their Song by Turns, than to hear an old
Man grunting a Bed, and be oblig'd to hang my Nose continually over a
Close-Stool or a Chamber-Pot. A Glass of good Ale or Wine now and then, or
a Dram of cool _Nantz_, is more chearing to my old Spirits, than to be
sipping and tasting a little Stale Pearl Cordial or Juleps, or indeed any
Apothecaries Slop. Well, said I, you are a cunning old Woman; but pray let
me talk now to your Neice a little. Pray, how many such Aunts have you?
Why, truly Sir, said she, I have one at every corner of the Town, and lodge
sometimes with one, and sometimes with another, as I have occasion. Well
but, said I, had you not better go to Service then be burdensome to your
Freinds? No, Damn it, says she, I had rather be my own Mistress, and go to
Bed and rise when I will, then to be curb'd by every Snotty Dame. I
remember once, said she, I met with an old Master, who had a Colts Tooth in
his Head, and he would be smugling me, and kissing me in a corner, tho his
Breath was enough to turn my Stomach: but for the sake of a rusty Shilling
now and then, I was content to humour him. But when once my Mistress came
to know it, I had a Peal rung about my Ears, with the Tongs, and was forc'd
to pack out of Doors. Another time, I met with a young Master, and an old
Dame, and he wou'd always watch for an opportunity to catch me making the
Bed when my old Mistress was abroad at Market, or else sat wrapt in Flannel
by the Kitchen Fire; and with a thousands Langushing Looks and soft
Expressions, he would wish his Wife were as young and as handsome as I: or
that she was dead that he and I might make a match on't. By which means I
was betray'd to part with my Virgin-Treasure, and lick the Butter off my
old Mistresses Bread, with a very good Appetite. At last, the rising of my
Belly discover'd what I would willingly have conceal'd; this caus'd me to
be turn'd out of Doors, and left to provide for my self and a Child. Which,
when I was brought a Bed, I dispos'd to a poor Woman, who got her Living
with it, by begging in the Streets. And then finding I cou'd'nt be free
from Mens solicitations whilst a Servant, I e'en betook my self to the
present Employment, wherein I meet with Men enough, and am at no care, to
provide for Children.--When she had given an Account of her Life, said the
Constable, I then thought it was time to reprove them. And, addressing my
self to the Wench, said I, Would it not now have been a great Mortification
to you, if instead of following you to your Lodgings, I had deliver'd you
to a Constable, who had made you sit up all Night in the Round-house, and
sent you next Morning to _Bridewell_, to beat Hemp for your Living. The
young Slut nothing daunted by what I had said (says the Constable)
presently pluck'd up her Coats, and told me she'd find me other Business to
do. I seeing that pull'd out my Short Constables Staff, and told her she
didn't know her Danger, and had therefore best forbear her Impudence, or I
should quickly make her sensible that I had Power to punish her. This put
both the Old Woman and her self into a great fright; and altering her Tone,
she prayed me not to molest 'em and they would gratifie me any way
imaginable. And the Old Woman prayed me not to be severer to her then
others of my Office had formerly been: For, said she, this is not the first
time that I have been threatted in this manner, and I never yet found a
Constable, nor indeed scarce a Justice of Peace whom it was not in my Power
some time or other to oblige, either by my Purse, or in the way of my
Trade. For I have such fine Women at my Command, continued she, as are able
to Charm the most insensible Persons. I then told them, says the Constable,
That good Advice was meerly thrown away upon 'em, but I wou'd take another
Course that was more effectual; and so (says he) calling the Watch, they
were both sent that Night to the _Counter_> and the next day to
_Bride-well_; where they are still beating Hemp. And this Course (said the
Constable) I intend to take, as often as I meet with any of them.
When the Constable had made an End, my Husband and I both applauded his
Conduct. And tho' I have once been overcome; yet I resolve never to be
guilty of the like Folly again. Nor is it yet too late for you to repent
_said the Goldsmith's Lady to the Bawd_; tho you have run through so long a
course of Wickedness; which if you still continue in, will sooner or later
bring you to certain ruine.
Well, said the Bawd, I thought to have serv'd you, by the way of Gratitude,
for your kindness and Liberality to me, in my way of Business: But seeing
you are otherwise determined, I thank you for your Advice: and am very glad
that by my Discourse and seeing the Errors of my Life, you may come to
rectifie your own: My advice herein being the same with that of a late
great Debauchee, that writ a Book of his Life,
_Read, but don't practice: For the Author finds_
_They that live honest, have most quiet minds._
* * * * *