"And I got a suggestion for you," I says, low enough so as they couldn't
nobody else hear: "Throw some o' the prize money into the dinner; and if
they's any skimpin' to be done, do it on the prizes."
She didn't say nothin' back, because Mrs. Garrett had started to hand us
the little cards that showed where we was to play.
"I suppose I better tell you our rules," she says to me. "Each table
plays four deals. Then the winners moves w'ile the losers sets still,
except at the first table, where the winners sets still and the losers
moves. You change pardners after every four deals. You count fifty for a
game and a hundred and fifty for a rubber."
"The way I been playin'," I says, "it was thirty for a game."
"I never heard o' that," she says; but I noticed when we got to playin'
that everybody that made thirty points called it a game.
"Don't we see the prizes before we start?" I ast her. "I want to know
whether to play my best or not."
"If you win the prize and don't like it," she says, "I guess you can get
it exchanged."
"They tell me you're the shark amongst the womenfolks," says I; "so it's
a safe bet that you didn't pick out no lady's prize that isn't O.K."
I noticed some o' the other men was slippin' her their ante; so I parted
with a two-spot. Then I found where I was to set at. It was Table Number
Three, Couple Number One. My pardner was a strappin' big woman with a
name somethin' like Rowley or Phillips. Our opponents was Mrs. Garrett
and Mr. Messenger. Mrs. Garrett looked like she'd been livin' on the
kind of a meal she'd gave us, and Mr. Messenger could of set in the back
seat of a flivver with two regular people without crowdin' nobody. So I
says to my pardner:
"Well, pardner, we got 'em outweighed, anyway."
They was two decks o' cards on the table. I grabbed one o' them and
begun to deal 'em face up.
"First jack," I says.
"If you don't mind, we'll cut for deal," says Mrs. Garrett.
So we cut the cards and it seemed like the low cut got the deal and that
was Mrs. Garrett herself.
"Which deck'll we play with?" I ast.
"Both o' them," says Mrs. Garrett. "Mr. Messenger'll make them red ones
for you."
"Make 'em!" I says. "Well, Messenger, I didn't know you was a card
factory."
Messenger laughed; but the two ladies didn't get it. Mrs. Garrett dealt
and it was her turn to bid.
"One without," she says.
"I'd feel better if I had one within," says I.
"Are you goin' to bid or not?" she ast me.
"I thought it was the dealer's turn first," I says.
"I've made my bid," she says. "I bid one without."
"One without lookin', or what?" I says.
"One no trump, if I got to explain it," she says.
"Oh, that's different," I says; but I found out that most all o' them
said "One without" when they meant one no trump.
I looked at my hand; but about all as I had was four hearts, with the
king and jack high.
"Pardner," I says, "I don't see nothin' I can bid, unless it'd be one
heart. Does that hit you?"
"No talkin' acrost the boards," says Mrs. Garrett. "And besides, one
heart ain't over my bid."
So I passed and Mr. Messenger bid two spades. Then my pardner passed and
Mrs. Garrett thought it over a w'ile and then bid two without. So I
passed again and the rest o' them passed, and it was my first lead.
Well, I didn't have only one spade--the eight-spot--and I knew it
wouldn't do my hand no good as long as I couldn't trump in with it; so I
led it out. Messenger was dummy, and he laid his hand down. He had about
eight spades, with the ace and queen high.
"I might as well take a chance," says Mrs. Garrett, and she throwed on
Messenger's ten-spot.
Out come my pardner with the king, and it was our trick.
"What kind of a lead was that?" says Mrs. Garrett to me.
"Pretty good one, I guess," says I. "It fooled you, anyway."
And she acted like she was sore as a boil. Come to find out, she'd
thought I was leadin' from the king and was goin' to catch it later on.
Well, her and Messenger took all the rest o' the tricks except my king
o' hearts, and they had a game on us, besides forty for their four aces.
"I could of made a little slam as well as not," she says when it was
over. "But I misunderstood our friend's lead. It's the first time I ever
seen a man lead from a sneak in no trump."
"I'll do a whole lot o' things you never seen before," I says.
"I don't doubt it," says she, still actin' like I'd spilled salad
dressin' on her skirt.
It was my first bid next time and hearts was my only suit again. I had
the ace, queen and three others.
"Pardner," I says, "I'm goin' to bid one heart and if you got somethin'
to help me out with, don't let 'em take it away from me."
"I'll double a heart," says Messenger.
"Oh, somebody else is gettin' cute!" says I. "Well, I'll double right
back at you."
"Will you just wait till it comes your turn?" says Mrs. Garrett. "And
besides, you can't redouble."
"I guess I can," says I. "I got five o' them."
"It's against our rules," she says.
So my partner done nothin', as usual, and Mrs. Garrett bid one without
again.
"I guess you want to play 'em all," I says; "but you'll have to come
higher'n that. I'm goin' to bid two hearts."
"Two no trump," says Messenger, and my pardner says "Pass" once more.
"You'll get a sore throat sayin' that," I told her. "Don't you never
hold nothin'?"
"It don't look like it," she says.
"Maybe you don't know what's worth biddin' on," I says.
"Maybe she'd better take a few lessons from you," says Mrs. Garrett.
"No," I says, kiddin' her. "You don't want no more female experts in the
club or you might have to buy some cut glass once in a w'ile instead o'
winnin' it."
Well, I bid three hearts; but Mrs. Garrett come up to three no trump and
I couldn't go no higher. This time I led out my ace o' hearts, hopin'
maybe to catch their king; but I didn't get it. And Mrs. Garrett copped
all the rest of 'em for a little slam.
"If your husband ever starts drinkin' hard," I says, "you can support
yourself by sellin' some o' your horseshoes to the Russian government."
It wasn't no lie, neither. I never seen such hands as that woman held,
and Messenger's was pretty near as good. In the four deals they grabbed
two rubbers and a couple o' little slams, and when they left our table
they had over nine hundred to our nothin'.
Mr. Collins and another woman was the next ones to set down with us. The
rules was to change pardners and Collins took the one I'd been playin'
with. And what does she do but get lucky and they give us another
trimmin', though nothin' near as bad as the first one. My pardner, this
time, was a woman about forty-eight, and she acted like it was way past
her bedtime. When it was her turn to say somethin' we always had to wait
about five minutes, and all the other tables was through a long w'ile
before us. Once she says:
"You'll have to excuse me to-night. I don't somehow seem to be able to
keep my mind on the game."
"No," I says; "but I bet you'd perk up if the lady's prize was a
mattress. When you're goin' to be up late you should ought to take a nap
in the afternoon."
Well, sir, my next pardner wasn't nobody else but the Missus. She'd
started at the fourth table and lost the first time, but win the second.
She come along with the husband o' the pardner I'd just had; so here we
was family against family, you might say.
"What kind o' luck you been havin'?" the fella ast me.
"No luck at all," I says. "But if you're anywheres near as sleepy as
your Missus, I and my wife should ought to clean up this time."
We didn't. They held all the cards except in one hand, and that was one
my Missus tried to play. I bid first and made it a no trump, as they was
three aces in my hand. Old Slumber began to talk in her sleep and says:
"Two diamonds." The Missus bid two hearts. Mr. Sleeper passed, and so
did I, as I didn't have a single heart in my hand and figured the Missus
probably had 'em all. She had six, with the king high and then the
nine-spot. Our female opponent had only two, and that left five for her
husband, includin' the ace, queen and jack. We was set three.
"Nice work!" I says to the Missus. "You're the Philadelphia Athletics of
auction bridge."
"What was you biddin' no trump on?" she says. "I thought, o' course,
you'd have one high heart and some suit."
"You don't want to start thinkin' at your age," I says. "You can't learn
an old dog new tricks."
Mrs. Nap's husband cut in.
"O' course," he says, "it's a man's privilege to call your wife anything
you feel like callin' her. But your Missus don't hardly look old to me."
"No, not comparatively speakin'," I says, and he shut up.
They moved on and along come Garrett and Mrs. Messenger. I and Mrs.
Messenger was pardners and I thought for a w'ile we was goin' to win.
But Garrett and the Missus had a bouquet o' four-leaf clovers in the
last two deals and licked us. Garrett wasn't supposed to be as smart as
his wife, but he was fox enough to keep biddin' over my Missus, so as
he'd do the playin' instead o' she.
It wasn't till pretty near the close o' the evenin's entertainment that
I got away from that table and moved to Number Two. When I set down
there it was I and Mrs. Collins against her husband and Mrs. Sleeper.
"Well, Mrs. Collins," I says, "I'll try and hold some good hands for you
and maybe I can have two helpin's o' the meat when we come to your
house."
The other lady opened her eyes long enough to ask who was winnin'.
"Oh, Mrs. Garrett's way ahead," says Mrs. Collins. "She's got a score o'
somethin' like three thousand. And Mr. Messenger is high amongst the
men."
"Who's next to the leadin' lady?" I ast her.
"I guess I am," she says. "But I'm three hundred behind Mrs. Garrett."
Well, the luck I'd just bumped into stayed with me and I and Mrs.
Collins won and moved to the head table. Waitin' there for us was our
darlin' hostess and Messenger, the two leaders in the pennant race. It
was give out that this was to be the last game.
When Mrs. Garrett realized who was goin' to be her pardner I wisht you
could of seen her face!
"This is an unexpected pleasure," she says to me. "I thought you liked
the third table so well you was goin' to stay there all evenin'."
"I did intend to," I says; "but I seen you up here and I heard you was
leadin' the league, so I thought I'd like to help you finish in front."
"I don't need no help," she says. "All I ast is for you to not overbid
your hands, and I'll do the rest."
"How many are you, Mrs. Garrett?" ast Mrs. Collins.
"Thirty-two hundred and sixty," she says.
"Oh, my!" says Mrs. Collins, "I'm hopeless. I'm only twenty-nine hundred
and forty-eight. And how about you, Mr. Messenger?"
"Round thirty-one hundred," he says.
"Yes," says Mrs. Garrett, "and I don't believe any o' the rest o' the
men is within five hundred o' that."
"Well, Messenger," I says, "if the men's prize happens to be a case o'
beer or a steak smothered in onions, don't forget that I'm payin' you
thirty-five a month for a thirty-dollar flat."
Now, I'd of gave my right eye to see Mrs. Collins beat Mrs. Garrett out.
But I was goin' to do my best for Mrs. Garrett just the same, because I
don't think it's square for a man to not try and play your hardest all
the time in any kind of a game, no matter where your sympathies lays. So
when it come my turn to bid on the first hand, and I seen the ace and
king and four other hearts in my hand, I raised Mrs. Collins' bid o' two
diamonds, and Mrs. Garrett made it two no trump and got away with it. On
the next two deals Messenger and Mrs. Collins made a game, and Mrs.
Garrett got set a trick once on a bid o' five clubs. The way the score
was when it come to the last deal, I figured that if Mrs. Collins and
Messenger made another game and rubber, the two women'd be mighty close
to even.