_The Overture is beginning._
[Illustration]
_An Over-heated Matron_ (_to her Husband_). Well, they don't give
you much _room_ in 'ere, I _must_ say. Still, we done better than
I expected, after all that crushing. I thought my ribs was gone
once--but it was on'y the umbrella's. You pretty comfortable where you
are, eh. Father?
_Father_. Oh, I'm right enough, I am.
_Jimmy_ (_their Son; a small boy, with a piping voice_). If _Father_
is, it's more nor what _I_ am. I can't see, Mother, I can't!
_His Mother_. Lor' bless the boy! there ain't nothen to _see_ yet;
you'll see well enough when the Curting goes up. (_Curtain rises on
opening scene_). Look, JIMMY, ain't _that_ nice, now? All them himps
dancin' round, and real fire comin' out of the pot--which I 'ope it's
quite safe--and there's a beautiful fairy just come on, dressed so
grand, too!
_Jimmy_. I can't see no fairy--nor yet no himps--no nothen! [_He
whimpers_.
_His Mother_ (_annoyed_). Was there ever such a aggravating boy to
take anywheres! Set quiet, do, and don't fidget, and look at the
hactin'!
_Jimmy_. I tell yer I can't _see_ no hactin', Mother. It ain't my
fault--it's this lady in front o' me, with the 'at.
_Mother_ (_perceiving the justice of his complaints_). Father, the
pore boy says he can't see where he is, 'cause of a lady's hat in
front.
_Father._ Well, _I_ can't 'elp the 'at, can I? He must put up with it,
that's all!
_Mother._ No--but I thought, if you wouldn't mind changing places with
him--you're taller than him, and it wouldn't be in your way 'arf so
much.
_Father._ It's always the way with you--never satisfied, _you_ ain't!
Well, pass the boy across--I'm for a quiet life, I am. (_Changing
seats._) Will _this_ do for you?
[_He settles down immediately behind a very large, and furry,
and feathery hat, which he dodges for some time, with the
result of obtaining an occasional glimpse of a pair of legs on
the stage._
_Father_ (_suddenly_). D---- the 'at!
_Mother._ You can't wonder at the _boy_ not seeing! P'raps the lady
wouldn't might taking it off, if you asked her?
_Father._ Ah! (_He touches_ The Owner of the Hat _on the shoulder._)
Excuse me, Mum, but might I take the liberty of asking you to kindly
remove your 'at? [The Owner of the Hat _deigns no reply._
_Father_ (_more insistently_). _Would_ you 'ave any objection to
oblige me by taking off your 'at, Mum? (_Same result._) I don't know
if you _'eard_ me, Mum, but I've asked you twice, civil enough, to
take that 'at of yours off. I'm a playin' 'Ide and Seek be'ind it 'ere!
[_No answer._
_The Mother._ People didn't ought to be allowed in the Pit with sech
'ats! Callin' 'erself a lady--and settin' there in a great 'at and
feathers like a 'Ighlander's, and never answering no more nor a
stuffed himage!
_Father_ (_to the Husband of The Owner of the Hat_). Will you tell
your good lady to take her 'at off, Sir, please?
_The Owner of the Hat_ (_to her Husband_). Don't you do nothing of the
sort, SAM, or you'll _'ear_ of it!
_The Mother._ Some people are perlite, I must say. Parties might
_beyave_ as ladies when they come in the Pit! It's a pity her 'usband
can't teach her better manners!
_The Father._ _'Im_ teach her! 'E knows better. 'E's got a Tartar
there, _'e_ 'as!
_The Owner of the Hat._ SAM, are you going to set by and hear me
insulted like this?
_Her Husband_ (_turning round tremulously_). I--I'll trouble you
to drop making these personal allusions to my wife's 'at, Sir. It's
puffickly impossible to listen to what's going on on the stage, with
all these remarks be'ind!
_The Father._ Not more nor it is to _see_ what's going on on the stage
with that 'at in front! I paid 'arf-a-crown to see the Pantermime, I
did; not to 'ave a view of your wife's 'at!... 'Ere, MARIA, blowed if
I can stand this 'ere game any longer. JIMMY must change places again,
and if he can't see, he must stand up on the seat, that's all!
[_JIMMY is transferred to his original place, and mounts upon
the seat._
_A Pittite behind Jimmy_ (_touching up JIMMY's Father with an
umbrella_). Will you tell your little boy to set down, please, and not
block the view like this?
_Jimmy's Father_. If you can indooce that lady in front to take off
her 'at, I will--but not before. Stay where you are, JIMMY, my boy.
_The Pittite behind._ Well, I must stand myself then, that's all. I
mean to see, _somehow_! [_He rises._
_People behind him_ (_sternly_). Set down there, will yer?
[_He resumes his seat expostulating._
_Jimmy_. Father, the gentleman behind is a pinching of my legs!
_Jimmy's Father._ Will you stop pinching my little boy's legs! He
ain't doing you no 'arm--is he?
_The Pinching Pittite_. Let him sit down, then!
_Jimmy's Father._ Let the lady take her 'at off!
_Murmurs behind._ Order, there! Set down! Put that boy down! Take orf
that 'at! Silence in front, there! Turn 'em out! Shame!... &c., &c.
_The Husband of the O. of the H._ (_in a whisper to his Wife_). Take
off the blessed 'at, and have done with it, do!
_The O. of the H._ What--_now_? I'd sooner _die_ in the 'at!
[_An Attendant is called._
_The Attendant._ Order, there, Gentlemen, please--unless you want to
get turned out! No standing allowed on the seats--you're disturbing
the performance 'ere, you know!
[_JIMMY is made to sit down, and weeps silently; the hubbub
gradually subsides--and The Owner of the Hat triumphs--for
the moment._
_Jimmy's Mother._ Never mind, my boy, you shall have Mother's seat in
a minute. I dessay, if all was known, the lady 'as reasons for keeping
her 'at on, pore thing!
_The Father._ Ah, I never thought o' that. So she may. Very likely her
'at won't _come_ off--not without her _'air!_
_The Mother._ Ah, well, we musn't be 'ard on her, if that's so.
_The O. of the H._ (_removing the obstruction_). I 'ope you're
satisfied _now_, I'm sure?
_The Father_ (_handsomely_). Better late nor never, Mum, and we take
it kind of you. Though, why you shouldn't ha' done it at fust, I
dunno; for you look a deal 'ansomer without the 'at than, what you did
in it--_don't_ she, MARIA?
_The O. of the H._ (_mollified_). SAM, ask the gentleman behind if his
boy would like a ginger-nut.
[_This olive-branch is accepted; compliments pass; cordiality
is restored, and the Pantomime proceeds without further
disturbance._
* * * * *