I took advantage of this observation in the plan of my studi

Produced by David Widger

THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU

(In 12 books)

Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society

London, 1903

BOOK VI.

Hoc erat in votis: Modus agri non ila magnus

Hortus ubi, et leclo vicinus aqua fons;

Et paululum sylvae superhis forel.

I cannot add, 'auctius acque di melius fecere'; but no matter, the former

is enough for my purpose; I had no occasion to have any property there,

it was sufficient that I enjoyed it; for I have long since both said and

felt, that the proprietor and possessor are two very different people,

even leaving husbands and lovers out of the question.

At this moment began the short happiness of my life, those peaceful and

rapid moments, which have given me a right to say, I have lived.

Precious and ever--regretted moments! Ah! recommence your delightful

course; pass more slowly through my memory, if possible, than you

actually did in your fugitive succession. How shall I prolong, according

to my inclination, this recital at once so pleasing and simple? How

shall I continue to relate the same occurrences, without wearying my

readers with the repetition, any more than I was satiated with the

enjoyment? Again, if all this consisted of facts, actions, or words, I

could somehow or other convey an idea of it; but how shall I describe

what was neither said nor done, nor even thought, but enjoyed, felt,

without being able to particularize any other object of my happiness than

the bare idea? I rose with the sun, and was happy; I walked, and was

happy; I saw Madam de Warrens, and was happy; I quitted her, and still

was happy!--Whether I rambled through the woods, over the hills, or

strolled along the valley; read, was idle, worked in the garden, or

gathered fruits, happiness continually accompanied me; it was fixed on no

particular object, it was within me, nor could I depart from it a single

moment.

Nothing that passed during that charming epocha, nothing that I did,

said, or thought, has escaped my memory. The time that preceded or

followed it, I only recollect by intervals, unequally and confused; but

here I remember all as distinctly as if it existed at this moment.

Imagination, which in my youth was perpetually anticipating the future,

but now takes a retrograde course, makes some amends by these charming

recollections for the deprivation of hope, which I have lost forever.

I no longer see anything in the future that can tempt my wishes, it is a

recollection of the past alone that can flatter me, and the remembrance

of the period I am now describing is so true and lively, that it

sometimes makes me happy, even in spite of my misfortunes.

Of these recollections I shall relate one example, which may give some

idea of their force and precision. The first day we went to sleep at

Charmettes, the way being up-hill, and Madam de Warrens rather heavy, she

was carried in a chair, while I followed on foot. Fearing the chairmen

would be fatigued, she got out about half-way, designing to walk the rest

of it. As we passed along, she saw something blue in the hedge, and

said, "There's some periwinkle in flower yet!" I had never seen any

before, nor did I stop to examine this: my sight is too short to

distinguish plants on the ground, and I only cast a look at this as I

passed: an interval of near thirty years had elapsed before I saw any

more periwinkle, at least before I observed it, when being at Cressier in

1764, with my friend, M. du Peyrou, we went up a small mountain, on the

summit of which there is a level spot, called, with reason, 'Belle--vue',

I was then beginning to herbalize;--walking and looking among the bushes,

I exclaimed with rapture, "Ah, there's some periwinkle!" Du Peyrou, who

perceived my transport, was ignorant of the cause, but will some day be

informed: I hope, on reading this. The reader may judge by this

impression, made by so small an incident, what an effect must have been

produced by every occurrence of that time.

Meantime, the air of the country did not restore my health; I was

languishing and became more so; I could not endure milk, and was obliged

to discontinue the use of it. Water was at this time the fashionable

remedy for every complaint; accordingly I entered on a course of it, and

so indiscreetly, that it almost released me, not only from my illness but

also from my life. The water I drank was rather hard and difficult to

pass, as water from mountains generally is; in short, I managed so well,

that in the course of two months I totally ruined my stomach, which until

that time had been very good, and no longer digesting anything properly,

had no reason to expect a cure. At this time an accident happened, as

singular in itself as in its subsequent consequences, which can only

terminate with my existence.

One morning, being no worse than usual, while putting up the leaf of a

small table, I felt a sudden and almost inconceivable revolution

throughout my whole frame. I know not how to describe it better than as

a kind of tempest, which suddenly rose in my blood, and spread in a

moment over every part of my body. My arteries began beating so

violently that I not only felt their motion, but even heard it,

particularly that of the carotids, attended by a loud noise in my ears,

which was of three, or rather four, distinct kinds. For instance, first

a grave hollow buzzing; then a more distinct murmur, like the running of

water; then an extremely sharp hissing, attended by the beating I before

mentioned, and whose throbs I could easily count, without feeling my

pulse, or putting a hand to any part of my body. This internal tumult

was so violent that it has injured my auricular organs, and rendered me,

from that time, not entirely deaf, but hard of hearing.

My surprise and fear may easily be conceived; imagining it was the stroke

of death, I went to bed, and the physician being sent for, trembling with

apprehension, I related my case; judging it past all cure. I believe the

doctor was of the same opinion; however he performed his office, running

over a long string of causes and effects beyond my comprehension, after

which, in consequence of this sublime theory, he set about, 'in anima

vili', the experimental part of his art, but the means he was pleased to

adopt in order to effect a cure were so troublesome, disgusting, and

followed by so little effect, that I soon discontinued it, and after some

weeks, finding I was neither better nor worse, left my bed, and returned

to my usual method of living; but the beating of my arteries and the

buzzing in my ears has never quitted me a moment during the thirty years'

time which has elapsed since that time.

Till now, I had been a great sleeper, but a total privation of repose,

with other alarming symptoms which have accompanied it, even to this

time, persuaded me I had but a short time to live. This idea

tranquillized me for a time: I became less anxious about a cure, and

being persuaded I could not prolong life, determined to employ the

remainder of it as usefully as possible. This was practicable by a

particular indulgence of Nature, which, in this melancholy state,

exempted me from sufferings which it might have been supposed I should

have experienced. I was incommoded by the noise, but felt no pain, nor

was it accompanied by any habitual inconvenience, except nocturnal

wakefulness, and at all times a shortness of breath, which is not violent

enough to be called an asthma, but was troublesome when I attempted to

run, or use any degree of exertion.

This accident, which seemed to threaten the dissolution of my body, only

killed my passions, and I have reason to thank Heaven for the happy

effect produced by it on my soul. I can truly say, I only began to live

when I considered myself as entering the grave; for, estimating at their

real value those things I was quitting; I began to employ myself on

nobler objects, namely by anticipating those I hoped shortly to have the

contemplation of, and which I had hitherto too much neglected. I had

often made light of religion, but was never totally devoid of it;

consequently, it cost me less pain to employ my thoughts on that subject,

which is generally thought melancholy, though highly pleasing to those

who make it an object of hope and consolation; Madam de Warrens,

therefore, was more useful to me on this occasion than all the

theologians in the world would have been.

She, who brought everything into a system, had not failed to do as much

by religion; and this system was composed of ideas that bore no affinity

to each other. Some were extremely good, and others very ridiculous,

being made up of sentiments proceeding from her disposition, and

prejudices derived from education. Men, in general, make God like

themselves; the virtuous make Him good, and the profligate make Him

wicked; ill-tempered and bilious devotees see nothing but hell, because

they would willingly damn all mankind; while loving and gentle souls

disbelieve it altogether; and one of the astonishments I could never

overcome, is to see the good Fenelon speak of it in his Telemachus as if

he really gave credit to it; but I hope he lied in that particular, for

however strict he might be in regard to truth, a bishop absolutely must

lie sometimes. Madam de Warrens spoke truth with me, and that soul, made

up without gall, who could not imagine a revengeful and ever angry God,

saw only clemency and forgiveness, where devotees bestowed inflexible

justice, and eternal punishment.

She frequently said there would be no justice in the Supreme Being should

He be strictly just to us; because, not having bestowed what was

necessary to render us essentially good, it would be requiring more than

he had given. The most whimsical idea was, that not believing in hell,

she was firmly persuaded of the reality of purgatory. This arose from

her not knowing what to do with the wicked, being loathed to damn them

utterly, nor yet caring to place them with the good till they had become

so; and we must really allow, that both in this world and the next, the

wicked are very troublesome company.

It is clearly seen that the doctrine of original sin and the redemption

of mankind is destroyed by this system; consequently that the basis of

the Christian dispensation, as generally received, is shaken, and that

the Catholic faith cannot subsist with these principles; Madam de

Warrens, notwithstanding, was a good Catholic, or at least pretended to

be one, and certainly desired to become such, but it appeared to her that

the Scriptures were too literally and harshly explained, supposing that

all we read of everlasting torments were figurative threatenings, and the

death of Jesus Christ an example of charity, truly divine, which should

teach mankind to love God and each other; in a word, faithful to the

religion she had embraced, she acquiesced in all its professions of

faith, but on a discussion of each particular article, it was plain she

thought diametrically opposite to that church whose doctrines she

professed to believe. In these cases she exhibited simplicity of art, a

frankness more eloquent than sophistry, which frequently embarrassed her

confessor; for she disguised nothing from him. "I am a good Catholic,"

she would say, "and will ever remain so; I adopt with all the powers of

my soul the decisions of our holy Mother Church; I am not mistress of my

faith, but I am of my will, which I submit to you without reserve; I will

endeavor to believe all,--what can you require more?"

Had there been no Christian morality established, I am persuaded she

would have lived as if regulated by its principles, so perfectly did they

seem to accord with her disposition. She did everything that was

required; and she would have done the same had there been no such

requisition: but all this morality was subordinate to the principles of

M. Tavel, or rather she pretended to see nothing in religion that

contradicted them; thus she would have favored twenty lovers in a day,

without any idea of a crime, her conscience being no more moved in that

particular than her passions. I know that a number of devotees are not

more scrupulous, but the difference is, they are seduced by constitution,

she was blinded by her sophisms. In the midst of conversations the most

affecting, I might say the most edifying, she would touch on this

subject, without any change of air or manner, and without being sensible

of any contradiction in her opinions; so much was she persuaded that our

restrictions on that head are merely political, and that any person of

sense might interpret, apply, or make exceptions to them, without any

danger of offending the Almighty.

Though I was far enough from being of the same opinion in this

particular, I confess I dared not combat hers; indeed, as I was situated,

it would have been putting myself in rather awkward circumstances, since

I could only have sought to establish my opinion for others, myself being

an exception. Besides, I entertained but little hopes of making her

alter hers, which never had any great influence on her conduct, and at

the time I am speaking of none; but I have promised faithfully to

describe her principles, and I will perform my engagement--I now return

to myself.

Finding in her all those ideas I had occasion for to secure me from the

fears of death and its future consequences, I drew confidence and

security from this source; my attachment became warmer than ever, and I

would willingly have transmitted to her my whole existence, which seemed

ready to abandon me. From this redoubled attachment, a persuasion that I

had but a short time to live, and profound security on my future state,

arose an habitual and even pleasing serenity, which, calming every

passion that extends our hopes and fears, made me enjoy without

inquietude or concern the few days which I imagined remained for me.

What contributed to render them still snore agreeable was an endeavor to

encourage her rising taste for the country, by every amusement I could

possibly devise, wishing to attach her to her garden, poultry, pigeons,

and cows: I amused myself with them and these little occupations, which

employed my time without injuring my tranquillity, were more serviceable

than a milk diet, or all the remedies bestowed on my poor shattered

machine, even to effecting the utmost possible reestablishment of it.

The vintage and gathering in our fruit employed the remainder of the

year; we became more and more attached to a rustic life, and the society

of our honest neighbors. We saw the approach of winter with regret, and

returned to the city as if going into exile. To me this return was

particularly gloomy, who never expected to see the return of spring, and

thought I took an everlasting leave of Charmettes. I did not quit it

without kissing the very earth and trees, casting back many a wishful

look as I went towards Chambery.

Having left my scholars for so long a time, and lost my relish for the

amusements of the town, I seldom went out, conversing only with Madam de

Warrens and a Monsieur Salomon, who had lately become our physician. He

was an honest man, of good understanding, a great Cartesian, spoke

tolerably well on the system of the world, and his agreeable and

instructive conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions.

I could never bear that foolish trivial mode of conversation which is so

generally adopted; but useful instructive discourse has always given me

great pleasure, nor was I ever backward to join in it. I was much

pleased with that of M. Salomon; it appeared to me, that when in his

company, I anticipated the acquisition of that sublime knowledge which my

soul would enjoy when freed from its mortal fetters. The inclination I

had for him extended to the subjects which he treated on, and I began to

look after books which might better enable me to understand his

discourse. Those which mingled devotion with science were most agreeable

to me, particularly Port Royal's Oratory, and I began to read or rather

to devour them. One fell into my hands written by Father Lami, called

'Entretiens sur les Sciences', which was a kind of introduction to the

knowledge of those books it treated of. I read it over a hundred times,

and resolved to make this my guide; in short, I found (notwithstanding my

ill state of health) that I was irresistibly drawn towards study, and

though looking on each day as the last of my life, read with as much

avidity as if certain I was to live forever.

I was assured that reading would injure me; but on the contrary, I am

rather inclined to think it was serviceable, not only to my soul, but

also to my body; for this application, which soon became delightful,

diverted my thoughts from my disorders, and I soon found myself much less

affected by them. It is certain, however, that nothing gave me absolute

ease, but having no longer any acute pain, I became accustomed to

languishment and wakefulness; to thinking instead of acting; in short, I

looked on the gradual and slow decay of my body as inevitably progressive

and only to be terminated by death.

This opinion not only detached me from all the vain cares of life, but

delivered me from the importunity of medicine, to which hitherto, I had

been forced to submit, though contrary to my inclination. Salomon,

convinced that his drugs were unavailing, spared me the disagreeable task

of taking them, and contented himself with amusing the grief of my poor

Madam de Warrens by some of those harmless preparations, which serve to

flatter the hopes of the patient and keep up the credit of the doctor.

I discontinued the strict regimen I had latterly observed, resumed the

use of wine, and lived in every respect like a man in perfect health,

as far as my strength would permit, only being careful to run into no

excess; I even began to go out and visit my acquaintance, particularly

M. de Conzie, whose conversation was extremely pleasing to me. Whether

it struck me as heroic to study to my last hour, or that some hopes of

life yet lingered in the bottom of my heart, I cannot tell, but the

apparent certainty of death, far from relaxing my inclination for

improvement, seemed to animate it, and I hastened to acquire knowledge

for the other world, as if convinced I should only possess that portion I

could carry with me. I took a liking to the shop of a bookseller, whose

name was Bouchard, which was frequented by some men of letters, and as

the spring (whose return I had never expected to see again) was

approaching, furnished myself with some books for Charmettes, in case I

should have the happiness to return there.

I had that happiness, and enjoyed it to the utmost extent. The rapture

with which I saw the trees put out their first bud, is inexpressible!

The return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave into

paradise. The snow was hardly off the ground when we left our dungeon

and returned to Charmettes, to enjoy the first warblings of the

nightingale. I now thought no more of dying, and it is really singular,

that from this time I never experienced any dangerous illness in the

country. I have suffered greatly, but never kept my bed, and have often

said to those about me, on finding myself worse than ordinary, "Should

you see me at the point of death, carry me under the shade of an oak, and

I promise you I shall recover."

Though weak, I resumed my country occupations, as far as my strength

would permit, and conceived a real grief at not being able to manage our

garden without help; for I could not take five or six strokes with the

spade without being out of breath and overcome with perspiration; when I

stooped the beating redoubled, and the blood flew with such violence to

my head, that I was instantly obliged to stand upright. Being therefore

confined to less fatiguing employments, I busied myself about the dove

--house, and was so pleased with it that I sometimes passed several hours

there without feeling a moment's weariness. The pigeon is very timid and

difficult to tame, yet I inspired mine with so much confidence that they

followed me everywhere, letting me catch them at pleasure, nor could I

appear in the garden without having two or three on my arms or head in an

instant, and notwithstanding the pleasure I took in them, their company

became so troublesome that I was obliged to lessen the familiarity. I

have ever taken great pleasure in taming animals, particularly those that

are wild and fearful. It appeared delightful to me, to inspire them with

a confidence which I took care never to abuse, wishing them to love me

freely.

I have already mentioned that I purchased some books: I did not forget to

read them, but in a manner more proper to fatigue than instruct me.

I imagined that to read a book profitably, it was necessary to be

acquainted with every branch of knowledge it even mentioned; far from

thinking that the author did not do this himself, but drew assistance

from other books, as he might see occasion. Full of this silly idea, I

was stopped every moment, obliged to run from one book to another, and

sometimes, before I could reach the tenth page of what I was studying,

found it necessary to turn over a whole library. I was so attached to

this ridiculous method, that I lost a prodigious deal of time and had

bewildered my head to such a degree, that I was hardly capable of doing,

seeing or comprehending anything. I fortunately perceived, at length,

that I was in the wrong road, which would entangle me in an inextricable

labyrinth, and quitted it before I was irrevocably lost.

When a person has any real taste for the sciences, the first thing he

perceives in the pursuit of them is that connection by which they

mutually attract, assist, and enlighten each other, and that it is

impossible to attain one without the assistance of the rest. Though the

human understanding cannot grasp all, and one must ever be regarded as

the principal object, yet if the rest are totally neglected, the favorite

study is generally obscure; I was convinced that my resolution to improve

was good and useful in itself, but that it was necessary I should change

my method; I, therefore, had recourse to the encyclopaedia. I began by a

distribution of the general mass of human knowledge into its various

branches, but soon discovered that I must pursue a contrary course, that

I must take each separately, and trace it to that point where it united

with the rest: thus I returned to the general synthetical method, but

returned thither with a conviction that I was going right. Meditation

supplied the want of knowledge, and a very natural reflection gave

strength to my resolutions, which was, that whether I lived or died, I

had no time to lose; for having learned but little before the age of

five-and-twenty, and then resolving to learn everything, was engaging to

employ the future time profitably. I was ignorant at what point accident

or death might put a period to my endeavors, and resolved at all events

to acquire with the utmost expedition some idea of every species of

knowledge, as well to try my natural disposition, as to judge for myself

what most deserved cultivation.

In the execution of my plan, I experienced another advantage which I had

never thought of; this was, spending a great deal of time profitably.

Nature certainly never meant me for study, since attentive application

fatigues me so much, that I find it impossible to employ myself half an

hour together intently on any one subject; particularly while following

another person's ideas, for it has frequently happened that I have

pursued my own for a much longer period with success. After reading a

few pages of an author with close application, my understanding is

bewildered, and should I obstinately continue, I tire myself to no

purpose, a stupefaction seizes me, and I am no longer conscious of what I

read; but in a succession of various subjects, one relieves me from the

fatigue of the other, and without finding respite necessary, I can follow

them with pleasure.

I took advantage of this observation in the plan of my studies, taking

care to intermingle them in such a manner that I was never weary: it is

true that domestic and rural concerns furnished many pleasing

relaxations; but as my eagerness for improvement increased, I contrived

to find opportunities for my studies, frequently employing myself about

two things at the same time, without reflecting that both were

consequently neglected.

In relating so many trifling details, which delight me, but frequently

tire my reader, I make use of the caution to suppress a great number,

though, perhaps, he would have no idea of this, if I did not take care to

inform him of it: for example, I recollect with pleasure all the

different methods I adopted for the distribution of my time, in such a

manner as to produce the utmost profit and pleasure. I may say, that the

portion of my life which I passed in this retirement, though in continual

ill-health, was that in which I was least idle and least wearied. Two or

three months were thus employed in discovering the bent of my genius;

meantime, I enjoyed, in the finest season of the year, and in a spot it

rendered delightful, the charms of a life whose worth I was so highly

sensible of, in such a society, as free as it was charming; if a union so

perfect, and the extensive knowledge I purposed to acquire, can be called

society. It seemed to me as if I already possessed the improvements I

was only in pursuit of: or rather better, since the pleasure of learning

constituted a great part of my happiness.

I must pass over these particulars, which were to me the height of

enjoyment, but are too trivial to bear repeating: indeed, true happiness

is indescribable, it is only to be felt, and this consciousness of

felicity is proportionately more, the less able we are to describe it;

because it does not absolutely result from a concourse of favorable

incidents, but is an affection of the mind itself. I am frequently

guilty of repetitions, but should be infinitely more so, did I repeat the

same thing as often as it recurs with pleasure to my mind. When at

length my variable mode of life was reduced to a more uniform course, the

following was nearly the distribution of time which I adopted: I rose

every morning before the sun, and passed through a neighboring orchard

into a pleasant path, which, running by a vineyard, led towards Chambery.

While walking, I offered up my prayers, not by a vain motion of the lips,

but a sincere elevation of my heart, to the Great Author of delightful

nature, whose beauties were so charmingly spread out before me! I never

love to pray in a chamber; it seems to me that the walls and all the

little workmanship of man interposed between God and myself: I love to

contemplate Him in his works, which elevate my soul, and raise my

thoughts to Him. My prayers were pure, I can affirm it, and therefore

worthy to be heard:--I asked for myself and her from whom my thoughts

were never divided, only an innocent and quiet life, exempt from vice,

sorrow and want; I prayed that we might die the death of the just, and

partake of their lot hereafter: for the rest, it was rather admiration

and contemplation than request, being satisfied that the best means to

obtain what is necessary from the Giver of every perfect good, is rather

to deserve than to solicit. Returning from my walk, I lengthened the way

by taking a roundabout path, still contemplating with earnestness and

delight the beautiful scenes with which I was surrounded, those only

objects that never fatigue either the eye or the heart. As I approached

our habitation, I looked forward to see if Madam de Warrens was stirring,

and when I perceived her shutters open, I even ran with joy towards the

house: if they were yet shut I went into the garden to wait their

opening, amusing myself, meantime, by a retrospection of what I had read

the preceding evening, or in gardening. The moment the shutter drew back

I hastened to embrace her, frequently half asleep; and this salute, pure

as it was affectionate, even from its innocence, possessed a charm which

the senses can never bestow. We usually breakfasted on milk-coffee; this

was the time of day when we had most leisure, and when we chatted with

the greatest freedom. These sittings, which were usually pretty long,

have given me a fondness for breakfasts, and I infinitely prefer those of

England, or Switzerland, which are considered as a meal, at which all the

family assemble, than those of France, where they breakfast alone in

their several apartments, or more frequently have none at all. After an

hour or two passed in discourse, I went to my study till dinner;

beginning with some philosophical work, such as the logic of Port-Royal,

Locke's Essays, Mallebranche, Leibtnitz, Descartes, etc. I soon found

that these authors perpetually contradict each other, and formed the

chimerical project of reconciling them, which cost me much labor and loss

of time, bewildering my head without any profit. At length (renouncing

this idea) I adopted one infinitely more profitable, to which I attribute

all the progress I have since made, notwithstanding the defects of my

capacity; for 'tis certain I had very little for study. On reading each

author, I acquired a habit of following all his ideas, without suffering

my own or those of any other writer to interfere with them, or entering

into any dispute on their utility. I said to myself, "I will begin by

laying up a stock of ideas, true or false, but clearly conceived, till my

understanding shall be sufficiently furnished to enable me to compare and

make choice of those that are most estimable." I am sensible this method

is not without its inconveniences, but it succeeded in furnishing me with

a fund of instruction. Having passed some years in thinking after

others, without reflection, and almost without reasoning, I found myself

possessed of sufficient materials to set about thinking on my own

account, and when journeys of business deprived me of the opportunities

of consulting books, I amused myself with recollecting and comparing what

I had read, weighing every opinion on the balance of reason, and

frequently judging my masters. Though it was late before I began to

exercise my judicial faculties, I have not discovered that they had lost

their vigor, and on publishing my own ideas, have never been accused of

being a servile disciple or of swearing 'in verba magistri'.

From these studies I passed to the elements of geometry, for I never went

further, forcing my weak memory to retain them by going the same ground a

hundred and a hundred times over. I did not admire Euclid, who rather

seeks a chain of demonstration than a connection of ideas: I preferred

the geometry of Father Lama, who from that time became one of my favorite

authors, and whose works I yet read with pleasure. Algebra followed, and

Father Lama was still my guide: when I made some progress, I perused

Father Reynaud's Science of Calculation, and then his Analysis

Demonstrated; but I never went far enough thoroughly to understand the

application of algebra to geometry. I was not pleased with this method

of performing operations by rule without knowing what I was about:

resolving geometrical problems by the help of equations seemed like

playing a tune by turning round a handle. The first time I found by

calculation that the square of a binocular figure was composed of the

square of each of its parts, and double the product of one by the other;

though convinced that my multiplication was right, I could not be

satisfied till I had made and examined the figure: not but I admire

algebra when applied to abstract quantities, but when used to demonstrate

dimensions, I wished to see the operation, and unless explained by lines,

could not rightly comprehend it.

After this came Latin: it was my most painful study, and in which I never

made great progress. I began by Port-Royal's Rudiments, but without

success; I lost myself in a crowd of rules; and in studying the last

forgot all that preceded it. A study of words is not calculated for a

man without memory, and it was principally an endeavor to make my memory

more retentive, that urged me obstinately to persist in this study, which

at length I was obliged to relinquish. As I understood enough to read an

easy author by the aid of a dictionary, I followed that method, and found

it succeed tolerably well. I likewise applied myself to translation, not

by writing, but mentally, and by exercise and perseverance attained to

read Latin authors easily, but have never been able to speak or write

that language, which has frequently embarrassed me when I have found

myself (I know not by what means) enrolled among men of letters.

Another inconvenience that arose from this manner of learning is, that I

never understood prosody, much less the rules of versification; yet,

anxious to understand the harmony of the language, both in prose and

verse, I have made many efforts to obtain it, but am convinced, that

without a master it is almost impossible. Having learned the composition

of the hexameter, which is the easiest of all verses, I had the patience

to measure out the greater part of Virgil into feet and quantity, and

whenever I was dubious whether a syllable was long or short, immediately

consulted my Virgil. It may easily be conceived that I ran into many

errors in consequence of those licenses permitted by the rules of

versification; and it is certain, that if there is an advantage in

studying alone, there are also great inconveniences and inconceivable

labor, as I have experienced more than any one.

At twelve I quitted my books, and if dinner was not ready, paid my

friends, the pigeons, a visit, or worked in the garden till it was, and

when I heard myself called, ran very willingly, and with a good appetite

to partake of it, for it is very remarkable, that let me be ever so

indisposed my appetite never fails. We dined very agreeably, chatting

till Madam de Warrens could eat. Two or three times a week, when it was

fine, we drank our coffee in a cool shady arbor behind the house, that I

had decorated with hops, and which was very refreshing during the heat;

we usually passed an hour in viewing our flowers and vegetables, or in

conversation relative to our manner of life, which greatly increased the

pleasure of it. I had another little family at the end of the garden;

these were several hives of bees, which I never failed to visit once a

day, and was frequently accompanied by Madam de Warrens. I was greatly

interested in their labor, and amused myself seeing them return to the

hives, their little thighs so loaded with the precious store that they

could hardly walk. At first, curiosity made me indiscreet, and they

stung me several times, but afterwards, we were so well acquainted, that

let me approach as near as I would, they never molested me, though the

hives were full and the bees ready to swarm. At these times I have been

surrounded, having them on my hands and face without apprehending any

danger. All animals are distrustful of man, and with reason, but when

once assured he does not mean to injure them, their confidence becomes so

great that he must be worse than a barbarian who abuses it.

After this I returned to my books; but my afternoon employment ought

rather to bear the name of recreation and amusement, than labor or study.

I have never been able to bear application after dinner, and in general

any kind of attention is painful to me during the heat of the day. I

employed myself, 'tis true, but without restraint or rule, and read

without studying. What I most attended to at these times, was history

and geography, and as these did not require intense application, made as

much progress in them as my weak memory would permit. I had an

inclination to study Father Petau, and launched into the gloom of

chronology, but was disgusted at the critical part, which I found had

neither bottom nor banks; this made me prefer the more exact measurement

of time by the course of the celestial bodies. I should even have

contracted a fondness for astronomy, had I been in possession of

instruments, but was obliged to content myself with some of the elements

of that art, learned from books, and a few rude observations made with a

telescope, sufficient only to give me a general idea of the situation of

the heavenly bodies; for my short sight is insufficient to distinguish

the stars without the help of a glass.

I recollect an adventure on this subject, the remembrance of which has

often diverted me. I had bought a celestial planisphere to study the

constellations by, and, having fixed it on a frame, when the nights were

fine and the sky clear, I went into the garden; and fixing the frame on

four sticks, something higher than myself, which I drove into the ground,

turned the planisphere downwards, and contrived to light it by means of a

candle (which I put in a pail to prevent the wind from blowing it out)

and then placed in the centre of the above--mentioned four supporters;

this done, I examined the stars with my glass, and from time to time

referring to my planisphere, endeavored to distinguish the various

constellations. I think I have before observed that our garden was on a

terrace, and lay open to the road. One night, some country people

passing very late, saw me in a most grotesque habit, busily employed in

these observations: the light, which struck directly on the planisphere,

proceeding from a cause they could not divine (the candle being concealed

by the sides of the pail), the four stakes supporting a large paper,

marked over with various uncouth figures, with the motion of the

telescope, which they saw turning backwards and forwards, gave the whole

an air of conjuration that struck them with horror and amazement. My

figure was by no means calculated to dispel their fears; a flapped hat

put on over my nightcap, and a short cloak about my shoulder (which Madam

de Warrens had obliged me to put on) presented in their idea the image of

a real sorcerer. Being near midnight, they made no doubt but this was

the beginning of some diabolical assembly, and having no curiosity to pry

further into these mysteries, they fled with all possible speed, awakened

their neighbors, and described this most dreadful vision. The story

spread so fast that the next day the whole neighborhood was informed that

a nocturnal assembly of witches was held in the garden that belonged to

Monsieur Noiret, and I am ignorant what might have been the consequence

of this rumor if one of the countrymen who had been witness to my

conjurations had not the same day carried his complaint to two Jesuits,

who frequently came to visit us, and who, without knowing the foundation

of the story, undeceived and satisfied them. These Jesuits told us the

whole affair, and I acquainted them with the cause of it, which

altogether furnished us with a hearty laugh. However, I resolved for the

future to make my observations without light, and consult my planisphere

in the house. Those who have read Venetian magic, in the 'Letters from

the Mountain', may find that I long since had the reputation of being a

conjurer.

Such was the life I led at Charmettes when I had no rural employments,

for they ever had the preference, and in those that did not exceed my

strength, I worked like a peasant; but my extreme weakness left me little

except the will; besides, as I have before observed, I wished to do two

things at once, and therefore did neither well. I obstinately persisted

in forcing my memory to retain a great deal by heart, and for that

purpose, I always carried some book with me, which, while at work,

I studied with inconceivable labor. I was continually repeating

something, and am really amazed that the fatigue of these vain and

continual efforts did not render me entirely stupid. I must have learned

and relearned the Eclogues of Virgil twenty times over, though at this

time I cannot recollect a single line of them. I have lost or spoiled a

great number of books by a custom I had of carrying them with me into the

dove-house, the garden, orchard or vineyard, when, being busy about

something else, I laid my book at the foot of a tree, on the hedge, or

the first place that came to hand, and frequently left them there,

finding them a fortnight after, perhaps, rotted to pieces, or eaten by

the ants or snails; and this ardor for learning became so far a madness

that it rendered me almost stupid, and I was perpetually muttering some

passage or other to myself.

The writings of Port-Royal, and those of the Oratory, being what I most

read, had made me half a Jansenist, and, notwithstanding all my

confidence, their harsh theology sometimes alarmed me. A dread of hell,

which till then I had never much apprehended, by little and little

disturbed my security, and had not Madam de Warrens tranquillized my

soul, would at length have been too much for me. My confessor, who was

hers likewise, contributed all in his power to keep up my hopes. This

was a Jesuit, named Father Hemet; a good and wise old man, whose memory

I shall ever hold in veneration. Though a Jesuit, he had the simplicity

of a child, and his manners, less relaxed than gentle, were precisely

what was necessary to balance the melancholy impressions made on me by

Jansenism. This good man and his companion, Father Coppier, came

frequently to visit us at Charmette, though the road was very rough and

tedious for men of their age. These visits were very comfortable to me,

which may the Almighty return to their souls, for they were so old that I

cannot suppose them yet living. I sometimes went to see them at

Chambery, became acquainted at their convent, and had free access to the

library. The remembrance of that happy time is so connected with the

idea of those Jesuits, that I love one on account of the other, and

though I have ever thought their doctrines dangerous, could never find

myself in a disposition to hate them cordially.

I should like to know whether there ever passed such childish notions in

the hearts of other men as sometimes do in mine. In the midst of my

studies, and of a life as innocent as man could lead, notwithstanding

every persuasion to the contrary, the dread of hell frequently tormented

me. I asked myself, "What state am I in? Should I die at this instant,

must I be damned?" According to my Jansenists the matter was

indubitable, but according to my conscience it appeared quite the

contrary: terrified and floating in this cruel uncertainty, I had

recourse to the most laughable expedient to resolve my doubts, for which

I would willingly shut up any man as a lunatic should I see him practise

the same folly. One day, meditating on this melancholy subject,

I exercised myself in throwing stones at the trunks of trees, with my

usual dexterity, that is to say, without hitting any of them. In the

height of this charming exercise, it entered my mind to make a kind of

prognostic, that might calm my inquietude; I said, "I will throw this

stone at the tree facing me; if I hit my mark, I will consider it as a

sign of salvation; if I miss, as a token of damnation." While I said

this, I threw the stone with a trembling hand and beating breast but so

happily that it struck the body of the tree, which truly was not a

difficult matter, for I had taken care to choose one that was very large

and very near me. From that moment I never doubted my salvation: I know

not on recollecting this trait, whether I ought to laugh or shudder at

myself. Ye great geniuses, who surely laugh at my folly, congratulate

yourselves on your superior wisdom, but insult not my unhappiness, for I

swear to you that I feel it most sensibly.

These troubles, these alarms, inseparable, perhaps, from devotion, were

only at intervals; in general, I was tranquil, and the impression made on

my soul by the idea of approaching death, was less that of melancholy

than a peaceful languor, which even had its pleasures. I have found

among my old papers a kind of congratulation and exhortation which I made

to myself on dying at an age when I had the courage to meet death with

serenity, without having experienced any great evils, either of body or

mind. How much justice was there in the thought! A preconception of

what I had to suffer made me fear to live, and it seemed that I dreaded

the fate which must attend my future days. I have never been so near

wisdom as during this period, when I felt no great remorse for the past,

nor tormenting fear for the future; the reigning sentiment of my soul

being the enjoyment of the present. Serious people usually possess a

lively sensuality, which makes them highly enjoy those innocent pleasures

that are allowed them. Worldlings (I know not why) impute this to them

as a crime: or rather, I well know the cause of this imputation, it is

because they envy others the enjoyment of those simple and pure delights

which they have lost the relish of. I had these inclinations, and found

it charming to gratify them in security of conscience. My yet

inexperienced heart gave in to all with the calm happiness of a child,

or rather (if I dare use the expression) with the raptures of an angel;

for in reality these pure delights are as serene as those of paradise.

Dinners on the grass at Montagnole, suppers in our arbor, gathering in

the fruits, the vintage, a social meeting with our neighbors; all these

were so many holidays, in which Madam de Warrens took as much pleasure as

myself. Solitary walks afforded yet purer pleasure, because in them our

hearts expanded with greater freedom: one particularly remains in my

memory; it was on a St. Louis' day, whose name Madam de Warrens bore: we

set out together early and unattended, after having heard a mass at break

of day in a chapel adjoining our house, from a Carmelite, who attended

for that purpose. As I proposed walking over the hills opposite our

dwelling, which we had not yet visited, we sent our provisions on before;

the excursion being to last the whole day. Madam de Warrens, though

rather corpulent, did not walk ill, and we rambled from hill to hill and

wood to wood, sometimes in the sun, but oftener in the shade, resting

from time to time, and regardless how the hours stole away; speaking of

ourselves, of our union, of the gentleness of our fate, and offering up

prayers for its duration, which were never heard. Everything conspired

to augment our happiness: it had rained for several days previous to

this, there was no dust, the brooks were full and rapid, a gentle breeze

agitated the leaves, the air was pure, the horizon free from clouds,

serenity reigned in the sky as in our hearts. Our dinner was prepared at

a peasant's house, and shared with him and his family, whose benedictions

we received. These poor Savoyards are the worthiest of people! After

dinner we regained the shade, and while I was picking up bits of dried

sticks, to boil our coffee, Madam de Warrens amused herself with

herbalizing among the bushes, and with the flowers I had gathered for her

in my way. She made me remark in their construction a thousand natural

beauties, which greatly amused me, and which ought to have given me a

taste for botany; but the time was not yet come, and my attention was

arrested by too many other studies. Besides this, an idea struck me,

which diverted my thoughts from flowers and plants: the situation of my

mind at that moment, all that we had said or done that day, every object

that had struck me, brought to my remembrance the kind of waking dream I

had at Annecy seven or eight years before, and which I have given an

account of in its place. The similarity was so striking that it affected

me even to tears: in a transport of tenderness I embraced Madam de

Warrens. "My dearest friend," said I, "this day has long since been

promised me: I can see nothing beyond it: my happiness, by your means,

is at its height; may it never decrease; may it continue as long as I am

sensible of its value-then it can only finish with my life."