CONTAINING A SCIALOGUE, OR CURIOUS CONVERSATION WITH NOTHING; WITH A
DISCOVERY EXTREMELY ASTONISHING TO SEVERAL PERSONS.
I found my cousin Pattie also in her satins, and Nora Magee, whom she
had resolved to take with her, decked out with extraordinary splendour;
and, what I thought was diverting enough, the creature had a long
bridal veil like her mistress, and as huge a cloak to conceal her
person from observation. They were prepared to start, with each her
bundle at hand; and they hailed my appearance with delight.
But there was a difficulty before us; my uncle Wilkins was yet in the
house, and so was Sammy. As for the latter, I soon got rid of him by
sending him to Alicia, as I mentioned before; but my uncle we could
not remove. My cousin's affectation of sickness (to confirm which, and
conceal her nuptial preparations, she kept aloof in her chamber, or
pretended to do so) concerned him, and he refused to leave the house;
but, being left to himself, we knew he would soon drop asleep, that
being one of his rustical propensities.
By-and-by, while we were discoursing upon our difficulties, we heard a
carriage drive by; and just as it passed the door, the coachman gave
three loud cracks with his whip. It was a sign I had agreed upon with
the fellow, and I knew all was now in readiness. I proposed that we
should instantly steal down stairs, and--
At that moment I heard the front door softly open and shut.
"Who's that?" said I.
"Ah! I'm sure I don't know," said my cousin Pattie, turning so pale
I thought she was going to fall down in a faint; "perhaps it is Mr.
Tickle. Yes!" she cried, recovering her spirits, and almost jumping for
joy,--"now we'll sort him! I'll show him how I serve fortune-hunters,
I reckon! I'll lock him up in a closet, I will; and there he shall
kick his heels till morning, and I don't care if the rats eat him, I
don't.--Oh, goody gracious! he's coming up stairs!" she cried: "was
there ever anybody so impudent? But I'll fix him. Here, cousin Ikey, do
you run in here,"--pointing to her chamber,--"and don't let him see you."
"No," said I, thinking it proper to appear courageous, "I will face
the faithless rascal, and punish his impertinence on the spot." I
had no idea of doing any such thing, which, of course, must have
alarmed my uncle, and I intended to yield to Pattie's fears and
importunity, swallow my wrath for the present, and conceal myself, as
she recommended. But my display of resistance awoke the indignation of
Nora Magee, who cried, "Och, the divil take him thin; does he mane to
rob us of our husbands?" and seizing me by the shoulders, she thrust me
towards the chamber.
"Run in, cousin Ikey," said my cousin, driving the Irish barbarian
away, but seizing me herself, and urging me into the chamber, while
she seemed dying with suppressed mirth. "You'll see how Nora will sort
him,--you'll hear it. You mustn't speak a word; and, ods fishes, you
must remember to behave yourself,"--here she seemed more diverted than
ever,--"ods fishes, you must behave yourself in a lady's chamber."
At that moment Nora blew out the light, so that we were left in
darkness, and my cousin locked the door, thus, as I supposed, dividing
us from the enemy. "I say, Pattie, my soul," said I, whispering in her
ear, "what is Nora going to do with him?" But she answered me not a
word, and I took that as a hint to hold my own peace. The next instant
I heard a rustling in the next room, and the voice of Jack Tickle
saying softly, and almost in my own words,
"I say, Pattie, my soul, what did you blow out the light for? Where are
you?--Oh! you divine creature!" and I heard the smack of a kiss, that
quite astonished me.
"Pattie," said I, "what the deuse is the meaning of that?"
But Pattie was as dumb as before. The rustling was transferred from the
antechamber (I had taught my cousin to call it her boudoir) into the
passage, and I could tell, by the creaking of a step, that my friend
Tickle was going down stairs.
"Pattie," said I, "what's in the wind now?"
But still Pattie refused to answer me.
While I was wondering at her silence, now that there was no fear of
being overheard, I again distinguished the sound of the house door
softly opened and shut.
"I say, Pattie," said I, "what the devil is all that? and pray why
don't you speak?"
It occurred to me that her silence was all owing to a fit of
bashfulness, caused by her having me locked up in the chamber with her.
"Pattie," said I, reaching out my hands, "but without being able to
reach her, you shouldn't be bashful nor nothing, considering we're to
be married in less than half an hour. I say, Pattie, what are we to do
now? where are you?"
While I spoke I heard a carriage again rattle by the door, and, to my
astonishment, the coachman saluted the house with three such cracks of
his whip as my own had given a few minutes before.
"Pattie," said I, while a cold sweat broke over my limbs, "_where_ are
you, and why don't you speak?"
I felt about the door for her, but felt in vain; I listened for the
sound of her breath, hoping she might have hidden herself out of sheer
mischief, but not a breath was to be heard; I went feeling about the
chamber, and with as little effect.
A horrible suspicion seized upon my fancy. There were two doors to the
apartment, one opening upon the passage, the other into the boudoir;
and both were locked as fast as doors could be. Where was the key my
cousin Pattie turned when we entered the chamber together? It was gone.
I discovered its absence, and looked round the chamber in astonishment
and dismay.
At that moment some person in Mr. Periwinkle Smith's house, which
was right opposite, entered a front chamber therein with a light,
which streamed into the windows of Pattie's apartment with a lustre
sufficient to make every object visible. My cousin Pattie was not to be
seen! I looked under the bed, and into the bed; examined the presses,
and peeped behind the chairs; but no cousin Pattie was to be found. She
had locked _me_ in the chamber, but not herself! Horror of horrors! she
had played a trick upon me! she had jilted me! and--ay! there was no
doubting it a moment longer--she had run off with my friend Tickle!
"I'll show you how I serve fortune-hunters," said she--"lock him up in
a closet--kick his heels till morning--eaten up by rats--shall hear
yourself how I'll serve your rival Tickle." Death and destruction! and,
after all, she has run away with him!--eloped in the very carriage I
provided! married by the parson I engaged! decamped with the forty
thousand I secured! and I--_I_, the unfortunate, jilted, cozened
_I_--was the person left kicking my heels in a closet!
The idea filled me with phrensy; and the light from Mr. Periwinkle
Smith's house being removed at the moment, I tumbled over a chair that
lay in my way, and besides breaking my head and shin, woke up such a
din in the house that the very servants in the kitchen bounced up in
alarm, and screamed out for assistance.
"What's the matter, Pattie?" said my uncle Wilkins, turning the key
which the faithless creature had left sticking in the outside of the
door, and entering: "I say, Pattie, ods bobs, what's the--Lord bless
us, cousin Ikey! is that you? what's the matter? what are you doing in
Pattie's chamber?"
I answered my uncle Wilkins only by opening my mouth as wide as I
could, and staring at him in anguish, horror, and despair.
"Where's Pattie?" said he, in alarm.
The question restored me to my faculties.
"Eloped," said I; "cheated me beyond all expression, and run off with
my rival Jack Tickle."
"What a fool!" said my uncle, recovering his composure; "I'm sure I
never opposed her."
"So much for not giving her to me!" said I.
"To you!" said my uncle.
"Uncle Wilkins," said I, "from this moment I shall cut your
acquaintance. Pattie has jilted me so horribly you can't conceive, and
has married Jack Tickle!"
"Well," said my uncle, "where's the harm? To be sure, and a'n't he as
good now as worth ten thousand a year?"
"Not worth a cent!" said I, shaking my fists at the old gentleman--and
then drumming on my own breast--"not worth a cent, and down in every
tailor's books in town, except Snip's, who wouldn't trust him."
"Oh, you villain!" said my uncle Wilkins, "how you've cheated me!"
He ran down stairs, and I after him; he was bent upon pursuing his
daughter--and so was I.