A SHORT CHAPTER, CONTAINING AN ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR'S COUSIN, SAMUEL
WILKINS, JR.
Having debated these matters to my satisfaction and theirs, I was
about taking my leave, when my cousin Sammy unexpectedly entered the
apartment.
His appearance struck me dumb, and filled me with mingled terror and
despair. What could I do with such a scarecrow? His appearance was
death to my hopes of making the family fashionable. He was a raw youth
of twenty or twenty-one, but six feet high, long-legged, lantern-jawed,
and round-shouldered. He wore a white hat, like his father, but stuck
upon his head with a happy contempt of order and symmetry; and his
coat hung down in a straight line from his shoulders, as if cut to fit
the wall of a house. He walked with a lazy, grave swagger, indicative
of vast serenity of mind and self-regard, and--until I cured him of
the habit--with both hands in his pockets. There was not an ounce of
brain in his whole head, big as it was; though, from the gravity with
which he stared and whistled one in the face (for staring and whistling
were two of his greatest characteristics), it might have been supposed
otherwise. I will not say the clown was ugly in visage or deformed in
person; but he was a slouch from head to foot. One could see at a look
that he considered himself a gentleman, that he lived in the country,
and that the highest exercise of his gentility had been to stalk about
from one mud-hole to another, with his hands in his pockets.
He did not seem at all daunted by my appearance, but, having surveyed
me with his great staring eyes, he dragged one of his fists out of his
pocket and gave me a friendly grasp, very much like the pinch of a
bear. "Glad to see you; hope you're well," he said, and said no more,
but remained observing me with extreme gravity during the remainder of
the conference. When I got up to depart he rose also, and, though I
could have well dispensed with such an escort, attended me to the door.
He uttered not a word until we came within view of the bar, when the
great oaf opened his lips, and said, with an extremely knowing look, "I
say, Ikey, my boy, suppose we take a smaller?"
"A _smaller_!" said I, indignantly; "gentlemen in a city never drink
smallers."
"Well, then," said the goose, "I don't care if we go the whole gill."
"Come," said I, commiserating his ignorance, "you must never more talk
of such things. None but vulgarians drink strong liquors; slings,
cocktails, and even julaps are fit only for bullies. Gentlemen never
drink any thing but wine."
"Wine's small stuff," said my kinsman, with great equanimity; "but I'm
for any thing that's genteel, and dad says you're the boy for showing
us. But, od rabbit it, it's a hard thing to play the gentleman in a
place where you a'n't up to it; but I say, now, how do you think we'll
do--me and Pat?"
I could scarce avoid laughing in the booby's face, he asked his
question with such simplicity and complacency. I perceived that,
notwithstanding his lazy serenity and stolid gravity, he was as anxious
to be made genteel as either of the others, and quite as ready to
submit to my guidance. I told him I had no doubt he would do very well
when I had polished him a little, which I would soon do; and I resolved
to begin the task without delay. I carried him to a private apartment,
ordered a carriage, and a bottle of Chateau-Margaux to amuse us while
it was getting ready, and gave him to understand I would immediately
take him to a tailor's; and this I did in a very short time, to the
infinite delight of my friend Snip, whom I ordered to make three or
four different suits for him, without troubling myself to ask his
opinion about either. I then carried him in the same way to a hatter,
shoemaker, and man-milliner, leaving the jeweller, watchmaker, and so
on, for a future occasion.
These important matters being accomplished, greatly to my own
advantage, for I took care to speak of my uncle Wilkins in a way to
produce the strongest effect, I ordered the coachman to drive up to Mr.
Periwinkle Smith's, whither I thought I might as well proceed while
I had a coach to carry me. I gave my gawky cousin to understand my
business was to buy the house for his father, at which he expressed
much satisfaction (for everybody in Philadelphia knows the house is a
very fine one), and a desire to help me examine it; but telling him
there were many fine ladies there, who must not see him till he was
properly dressed, I charged him to wait for me in the coach until I
returned.