AN INVENTORY OF A YOUNG GENTLEMAN'S EFFECTS, WITH SOME ACCOUNT OF MR.
SNIGGLES, HIS LANDLORD.
My chambers were but meanly furnished, and this--But it needs not I
should acquaint the reader with the divers proofs that rose every
moment to convince me Mr. I. D. Dawkins, though a dandy, was not a rich
one. Before I had rummaged an hour among his chattels, I discovered
enough to set me into a cold shiver, and almost make me repent having
taken possession of his body. I found lying upon his table no less
than thirty-seven folded papers--the tribute doubtless of the two days
of his absence--of which, eight were either billetsdoux or mere cards
of invitation to ladies' parties, and twenty-nine were letters from
tailors, shoemakers, &c., all of them requesting payment of money owed,
and most of them as ferocious in spirit as they were original in style
and grammar. In an old trunk, which I ransacked, as well as every chest
of drawers and closet in the rooms (the keys were ready at hand in my
pocket), I discovered a bushel or two of bills--I suppose there may
have been a thousand of them, for they were of all dates--not one of
which had a receipt to it.
But, to make amends for this evil, I found Mr. I. D. Dawkins's wardrobe
in pretty good condition, except in the article of shirts; of which I
discovered but six, and those none of the best. However, there were
three dozen good dickeys, and a great abundance of loose collars
and wristbands; with which, I perceived, I might do without shirts
altogether.
But what gave me most pleasure, and indeed quite consoled me under the
feelings of disappointment and doubt that had begun to rise, was a
marvellous great quantity of love-letters, locks of hair, finger-rings,
odd gloves, &c., that I found scattered about; each, as was apparent,
the tribute or spoil of some admiring fair. "Aha!" said I, "I am a
devil of a fellow among the girls: who can resist me?" The idea of
being a favourite among the women, and the prospect I had of shooting
conquests among them, right and left, were infinitely agreeable. "Ged
and demmee," said I, "I will look about me now, and fix for life. I will
pick out the finest creature I can find who has a fortune, and marry
her; and then, I say, demm all tailors and other people. I will marry a
wife, eged!"
It was doubly remarkable I should make such a resolution, having had
but lately such a lesson of the joys of matrimony. But I found myself
fast growing another man. I still retained a lively recollection of
Mrs. Higginson, but fancy pictured an angel in the anticipated Mrs.
Dawkins. Dim visions--which seemed to be made up as much of crude
recollections as of half-formed anticipations--dim visions of lovely
eyes and noses floated over my brain; I sank into a soft, elysium-like
revery; when I suddenly heard a voice, somewhat tremulous and feeble,
but rude as the screech of a strawberry-woman in spring, saying,
"Sir, I say, sir, Mr. Dawkins, I shall trouble you, I say, for the
amount of that 'ere small account."
The accents were more horrible to my soul than the grating of a
dentist's file upon the tenderest of grinders. I looked up from my
feet, which I had been admiring, and beheld a visage somewhat iracund
and savage, but so vulgar and plebeian in all its lineaments, that my
fear was changed into contempt.
"And I say, sare! whoever you ah," said I, looking the fellow to the
soul, "what do you want he-ah? who ah you?"
At these questions the man looked petrified; he opened his mouth till
I thought his under jaw would drop off, and stared at me in dumb
amazement. I had some hopes he was about to fall down in a fit. I am
not naturally of a bloodthirsty turn; but I knew he was a dun, and such
persons one always wishes the devil would snatch up. But he recovered
his tongue, and, to do him justice, I must confess he used it with a
spirit I did not look for in such a mean, shrivelled-up body as he had.
"Don't go for to insult me," said the Goth, gritting his teeth, and
spluttering his words through them as through a watering-pot; "I'll let
you know who I am. I'll have my money, or I'll have the worth on it out
on you; for I won't be cheated no more for nothing. And as for what I'm
doing here, I'll let you know as how I'm master in my own house; and,
as Mrs. Sniggles says--"
"Sniggles!" said I, recollecting that the rascal was my landlord and
creditor. I started up, and seizing the enraged little man by the hand,
I begged his pardon.
"Really, my dear soul," said I, "I was in a brown study, and I didn't
know you. Pray how d'ye do? how is Mrs. Sniggles? You must know I have
hardly yet got over my unfortunate fall into the water. Really, sah, I
was almost drowned, and I had the misfortune to lose my pocketbook."
"None on your gammon on me!" said Mr. Sniggles, looking as intrepid as
ever; "for I don't believe none on it; and I don't believe you're no
gentleman neither, or you wouldn't keep me out of my money. You see,
Mr. Dawkins, do you see, you've had my rooms five months, and I ha'n't
seen the colour on your money over once; it's all promise and no pay.
And so, as I was saying, I won't be diddled no longer, or I'll see the
end of it; for, as Mrs. Sniggles says, we can't afford to be diddled
for nothing."
"Come, Sniggles," said I, "don't be in a passion; I'll pay you. What's
the amount?"
"Seventeen weeks on the second story, seven dollars a week--monstrous
cheap at that, considerin' there's breakfast in--one hundred and
nineteen dollars--and taking off the ten dollars you paid me, as per
account, one hundred and nine dollars; four weeks on the third story,
at five dollars and a half (and good rooms too), twenty-two dollars;
and adding the ten dollars I paid the shoe-maker, and the five dollars
sixty cents I loaned you to pay the fine at the mayor's office, for
smashing the lamp, makes jest a hundred and forty-one dollars sixty
cents, no halves nor quarters, precise; and the sooner you shows me the
money the better."
"A confounded long bill that, Sniggles," said I; "but I don't dispute
it; and the moment my uncle comes to town--"
The mean, avaricious fellow had begun to look happy, as he conned over
the hateful particulars of his account, which he held in his hand; but
no sooner had the words "my uncle" left my lips, than he began to jump
up and down, pulling his hair, gritting his teeth, and shaking his
fists like a mad-man; and to my astonishment the contemptible fellow
waxed profane, and actually cursed me and my uncle too. His oaths,
as may be supposed, only made him appear more low-lived and vulgar
than before; for cursing and swearing are the hardest things to do
_genteelly_ that I know: there are but few persons in the world who
can produce an oath with any thing like elegance; it is the truest
criterion of gentility, and in consequence I would recommend no person
to attempt one who is not confident of his high breeding.
My landlord, Mr. Sniggles, fell to cursing and swearing, and insulted
me very grossly; first, by affecting to believe that no such person
as my uncle existed; secondly, by threatening to turn me out of his
house; and thirdly, by assuring me he would have his account in an
attorney's hands before I was an hour older. It was in vain I exhorted
him to moderate his passion, and strove to wheedle him into a better
humour; I had forgotten (or rather I did not yet know) the true secret
of his character, which was cowardice, by addressing my arguments to
which I might have readily brought him to reason. But, in truth, I was
frightened myself; how I was to pay a bill of a hundred and forty-one
dollars sixty cents was a thing only to be guessed at; and the prospect
of taking up my lodgings in the debtors' apartments up Arch-street, was
as vinegar and wormwood to my imagination.
The more I strove to sooth the wrath of Mr. Sniggles, the more
ferocious he became; until at last he did nothing but dance round and
round me, like a little dog barking at a big one that is tied to a
post, crying out all the time, frantic with despair and fury, "Pay me
what you owe me! pay this here bill here! pay me my money, or I'll have
you in jail!" with other expressions equally foolish and insulting.