ON FAULT-FINDING--GIVING NOTICE TO LEAVE--AND GIVING CHARACTERS.
There are two practices not altogether unknown amongst servants
against which it is hardly possible to protest too strongly. I allude
to those of listening, in order to find out things never intended for
their ears, and of prying into odd papers or letters, accidentally or
trustfully left within reach. No right-minded girl, no person deserving
the name of Christian, would be guilty of either practice.
If employers leave their letters and papers lying about, this certainly
implies trust in their servants, and that they believe them to be too
upright and honourable to be guilty of prying into their contents. If
they speak of private matters in such a place and tone that their
servants could hear if they were mean enough to listen, it is a proof
that they do not think them capable of such an underhand proceeding.
Deserve their good opinion, dear girls, and preserve your self-respect
by scorning to do, when unseen, what you would be ashamed of if
detected in the act.
Servants sometimes complain that mistresses are unreasonably
suspicious, and act as though they expected to be cheated at every
turn--that, like Dickens’s Miss Sally Brass, they would padlock
everything, down to the very salt-box, until ‘there was nothing that
a chameleon could lunch upon’--and manifest to those whom they employ
a prying spirit which they would be the first to complain of in their
servants. This spirit is, however, often the harvest reaped by an
upright girl from the seeds sown by a deceitful and dishonest one.
When a mistress has trusted and been deceived, she is apt to become
suspicious where there is no occasion to be so. The only remedy is for
the new-comer so to act as to show that the more her conduct is looked
into, the better _she_ will be satisfied, as well as her mistress.
If, however, after a fair trial, the habit of locking up every little
thing and incessant mistrustfulness should continue, a girl would be
right to try for another place, where truth and honesty were better
understood and appreciated. Were I a servant, I could not endure the
harass of being constantly suspected and misjudged, any more than as a
mistress I would, after a fair trial, keep a servant whom I could not
both trust and respect.
People tell us that now-a-days there are no old servants--that where a
seven years’ character used to be a common thing, one for twelve months
or two years should be reckoned very good indeed. I do not agree with
these sweeping statements, and my own home experience contradicts them.
But I am well aware that, in many households, there is a perpetual game
of Marjory-move-all going on. I believe this is for want of a little
more reasonableness on both sides.
Small difficulties, which might be got over by a little patience, twist
themselves into a knot which is summarily cut by the usual month’s
warning. If I could only persuade you never to give warning on the day
that something has occurred to irritate you, I should save many of
you from throwing away a good place. But if, yielding to a momentary
irritation, you have done this, and are sorry for it, do not be too
proud to own that you were wrong, and ask forgiveness and permission
to withdraw the notice. Your mistress will respect you and value your
services all the more after such a display of right feeling and good
sense.
To young mistresses I venture a word of advice. If you have
something to complain about, always call your servants into your own
sitting-room, after the day’s work is over, and point out the fault
kindly and reasonably. Say what is wrong and how it is to be amended,
and be firm in exacting attention and future obedience to your orders.
Never squabble with or rate your servants. By doing so you lose your
own dignity and their respect. Never reprove them in the presence of
visitors. Few things are more calculated to irritate, or to provoke a
disrespectful reply; besides which, it renders the guests extremely
uncomfortable.
I once saw a lady who had a very _correct eye_, and who was very
particular about her table arrangements, seize upon a young servant,
whisk her round as she was about to leave the room, and angrily direct
her attention to a dish which was the least bit awry. The girl, a
new-comer, young, inexperienced, and fresh from the country, blushed,
trembled, and seemed ready to sink through the floor, had it been
possible. Frightened at the angry looks of her mistress, and confused
at being made a centre of observation to all those strange eyes, she
was, moreover, unable to comprehend what was amiss. By the time the
lady had, by shakes and jerks, aroused her to a sense of the mistake
she had committed, the poor girl was hopelessly unnerved and in tears.
One blunder followed another. She handed dishes at the wrong side,
spilled the liquids when attempting to pour them into glasses, was
glared at by the mistress, secretly pitied by the guests, and occupied
herself between times in furtively using her handkerchief to wipe away
the tears which, once set flowing, were not easily stopped.
Yet an unnoticed touch from the deft hand of the lady would have
straightened the dish. A few kind words and a little lesson in
private, instead of the course pursued, would have revealed a
disposition willing to be taught and led in the servant, and have
shown the capability of the mistress to model her into a first-class
parlour-maid. As it was, the girl left as soon as possible, and the
mistress had to seek another maid--a difficult matter, for she had got
the character of being perpetually changing her domestics. This is a
real picture, and one which, with trifling variation in actual detail,
I have seen enacted again and again.
‘Masters, give unto your servants that which is just and equal, knowing
that ye also have a Master in heaven.’
This advice or command, given by the hand of an inspired apostle,
applies to all who bear rule over servants, whether in the place of
business or the home--to mistresses as well as masters. And surely in
giving that which is just and equal, we have to think of more than a
mere question of wages. We should be just in our acts, reasonable in
our requirements, and even in our tempers, to those who serve us.
I know one lady who, when the smallest portion of the household
machinery went wrong, would fly into a violent passion and say all
sorts of unjust and harsh things to the author of the mishap. Being,
like most hasty people, very generous, she would next lavish gifts on
those to whom conscience told her she had been too severe. Her maids
calculated on this result, and one was heard to say that she enjoyed a
‘flare-up’ with the mistress. Her temper was soon up, but as soon over.
It was worth while to put up with it quietly, ‘it paid so well in the
end.’
‘Be just and equal.’ A short sentence, but how much it says! Give
praise heartily where it is fairly earned. Be equally just in pointing
out what is wrong, and firm in enforcing obedience, but do it in a
reasonable way--not in the heat of passion or in the presence of
others, but so as to convince your servants that you know both your
own place and their duty.
Young wives, who in their early married life are often much alone,
sometimes make the mistake of first being over-confidential and
familiar, and then of going into the opposite extreme. They have
fault-finding fits, and the damsel who has been treated as a friend and
_confidante_ on one day cannot understand why her girl-mistress should
on the next be sharp in speech and distant in manner. If we mistresses
wish to be respected, we must, as I have said, be equal in temper,
reasonable in our requirements, and just in our judgments.
I have alluded to the giving of hasty notices by servants, and
suggested how these should act if they feel they are likely to throw
away a good place, and are sorry for it. As a mistress, I would not
advise another to ask a girl to withdraw a notice given in a fit of
temper. However valuable her services might be, she had better be
allowed to go unless she herself asks to stay, and owns that she has
been wrong.
Were the mistress to ask the servant, the latter would probably get it
into her head that she was too valuable to be spared, and the notice
would be repeated whenever she was found fault with, until a separation
became inevitable. Reasonable Christian girls have too much common
sense and right feeling to act in this foolish manner.
On the other hand, if the mistress has been the one to give a hasty
warning, and conscience tells her that she has acted on impulse and
without a fair consideration of the grievance, I do not think she would
lessen herself, or lose the respect of her servant, by frankly saying
so, and asking the latter to remain. A good servant would show no
foolish triumph, and would give herself no airs. On the contrary, she
would manifest her sense of her mistress’s fairness by extra gentleness
of speech and manners.
It is good alike for mistress and maid, for the mother of the family,
and the young people, down to the little one who is only able to lisp
out his request, to practise always and under the home-roof the same
politeness that we take with us into the outer world.
There is an old saying, that ‘No man is a hero to his valet.’ The
meaning is plain. The outside world too often gets the best side of us
all. At home, we give way to little tempers, use hasty words, and act
towards those whom we profess to love best as we would not do in the
presence of strangers. Sometimes the mistress who is admired and sought
after, the girls who are called charming in society, even the little
children who have two sets of manners, one for home and the other for
company use, have different verdicts passed upon them by those who
serve in the house.
‘She’s no lady, or she wouldn’t speak to a servant worse than to a
dog,’ is not an uncommon expression with regard to a mistress. Or, ‘If
some of these fine young gentlemen could see our pretty young miss in
one of her tempers, she wouldn’t be so run after,’ etc., etc.
Dear young mistresses, dear girls who look forward to being such, let
me give you a hint or two. Be loving, kind, considerate, courteous,
sympathetic, thoughtful for others, careful not to wound the feelings
of those who dwell under the same roof with you. _Practise true
politeness there, every day and to every one with whom you have to do._
Teach it to the little children, both by precept and example, and you
will be doing them an inestimable service and yourselves also. That
which is learned in childhood abides. That which is in hourly use is
not likely to be forgotten. Those who are loved for their own sakes in
the home, and whose manners are admired there, are certain to win love
and to be charming when outside that hallowed circle and under other
roofs.
It is next to impossible for a servant to treat a mistress rudely
if the latter carries her own politeness and good manners with her
wherever she goes. And the real daughters of the family will lose
no dignity, but gain much love, if they, too, thoughtfully strive
to lighten the work of servants by giving no needless trouble--if,
thankfully remembering the goodness of God in giving them many
advantages of education and surroundings not possessed by their toiling
sisters of the household, they try to make the lot of these brighter
and happier. They may do this by kindly consideration, feminine
sympathy, pleasant words and looks, by imparting useful information,
by lending suitable books; by acting in accordance with the spirit
and teaching of our Divine Lord and Master; in short, by obeying His
command, ‘Love one another.’ ‘Whatsoever ye would that men should do to
you, do ye even so to them.’
We must show that we do not wish to exact all, and give nothing. We
must manifest an interest in our servants, and in those near and dear
to them. We must give a tender, womanly thought to the little, lonely
lassie who, having come to her first place, is frightened at the sight
of so many strangers, and yearns for the familiar faces she has left
behind.
Our responsibilities extend beyond the threshold. If a mistress is
a mother also, surely the thought of her own daughters will make
her anxious to preserve every girl from what is impure or morally
injurious. The young mistresses, in their turn, will feel anxious for
the well-being of their domestics, and will strive to guard them from
all evil influences, as they themselves have been guarded in their
girlhoods’ homes.
We mistresses, each and all, should assure ourselves that our girls
pass their Sundays as God’s children should spend His day. We should
give them opportunities of enjoying the fresh air, which is as needful
for their health as for our own. But if the girls are at a distance
from their own homes and friends, we should ascertain what associates
they have, and where and how a holiday is likely to be spent. We shall
feel that it is our bounden duty to guard from contaminating influences
these girls--the daughters of other mothers, who have been intrusted to
our care, as well as to work for us and under our rule.
We shall encourage them to consult us in seasons of doubt, difficulty,
or temptation. We shall help them to decide on taking the right course,
and cheer and strengthen them in their efforts to resist evil.
We, too, shall have our reward; though we work not with any thought of
benefit to ourselves, but with a single-hearted desire to do good to
others. There are certain tasks and duties the performance of which can
be bargained for, certain work that can be paid for in current coin of
the realm. But there are numberless services, labours of love, which we
cannot demand and money cannot buy. In such as these we shall reap an
abundant harvest.
There is another matter in which we should be just and equal; namely,
in the giving of characters. Alike for the sake of the servant herself
and the future mistress, we should be equally frank and impartial. Few
mistresses willingly give the worst side of a servant’s character.
There is always the feeling that a girl’s bread depends on her
obtaining a situation, and that ill-success may drive her to evil
courses. So, whilst no untruth is told, the whole truth certainly
is not. All that can be said for the departing servant is said, the
damaging circumstances are glossed over or wholly suppressed, and
perhaps the lady comforts herself with the thought that she has done a
kind act.
Some much-pressed house-mother takes the girl. She has probably been
unsuccessful in obtaining one, and the domestic emergency is great.
Too soon she finds out how one-sided was the character given--out of
kindness, or from fear of consequences it may be--and she feels that
she has been cruelly deceived.
Ah, these half-truths! What mischief they do! I have always felt the
importance of being just and equal in this respect, and that I owed a
duty to the mistress in search of a servant, as much as to the girl
in want of a place. ‘The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the
truth,’ should be our motto in character-giving.
That one and only bad servant I ever had would never have crossed our
threshold but for the written character sent by her then mistress.
When, after a few weeks of bitter experience, I came to analyse it, I
wondered that I could have been deceived by such evasive answers to my
queries, such self-evident half-truths.
That very servant, finding that no one would engage her, after an
interview with me, wrote one of the most remarkable letters it was
ever my lot to receive. Without for a moment professing regret for her
wrong-doing, or a desire and determination to amend, she asked me to
tell a falsehood in order to hide her untruthfulness and dishonesty,
and obtain for her another place in which to resume her career of
wickedness. What I did was to visit the different register offices at
which she had entered her name, and warn those who kept them not to
send to me for a character, as I would only tell the truth, and this
would prevent any lady from engaging her.
Occasionally one finds that an employer will give a tolerably
favourable character, but accompany her words with looks and manner
which seem to say, ‘I could tell more if I chose, but I will not;’ or
will merely state that the servant herself gave notice, and left by her
own wish. This is neither fair to employer nor servant. A girl may have
many excellent qualities, yet not prove equal to the duties she has
undertaken. In such a case, I should, were I her mistress, look round
for a vacant niche which she was likely to fill, and help her to obtain
it. I have done so more than once with most satisfactory results. But
I would never allow an inquiring mistress to be deceived, or to take
into her house the seeds of trouble in the shape of an untruthful or
impure-minded girl, for lack, on my part, of courage to speak of such a
one as she is.
Let us, by all means, help the fallen to rise again, and stretch out
the hand of love and pity to the penitent. But let us, mistresses,
young and old, be true to others and to ourselves, and not show our
compassion by concealing the truth, or help the wrong-doer to obtain a
place by sacrificing the peace of our neighbour’s household.