needed; who is not deterred from it for fear of being called
"disagreeable," or "being thought to be always in hot water." Any
water but lukewarm water for me! One of my favorite passages in the
Good Book is this: "I would that thou wert either cold or hot; but
because thou art neither cold nor hot, I will spew thee out of my
mouth." The joke comes in here: that your timid conservative is always
the first to raise the signal of distress on any emergency for the
speedy arrival of "that disagreeable person who is always in hot
water." He likes him marvellously as such crises of his existence?
Now, beyond dispute, everybody likes to travel on a smooth-beaten road
without jolting, if possible; but in order for this, somebody must
make a great turn-over generally, in clearing away the stones that
obstruct it. Now, I consider it a cowardly piece of business for
either man or woman, to travel miles around that road, rather than
take hold and do their fair share of the disagreeable work, either
from indolence, or from fear that they might offend one who might
possibly prefer that the road should remain in its normal condition.
Oh, how glad they are when somebody else has taken this troublesome
pioneership off their shoulders! How they rub their lazy hands, and
smirk, and say, "You see _you_ do these things _so_ well! I never was
constituted for it"! Which translated, means, that they prefer
sacrificing a principle to sacrificing their ease or popularity; as if
anybody liked to keep all the time fighting--as if other people didn't
love ease too!
"_A GOOD MISTRESS ALWAYS MAKES A GOOD SERVANT._"
Now I beg leave to place a very sizable interrogation-point just here;
at any rate, until I receive an intelligible definition of "a good
mistress." A servant's definition of one, in these days, is, "A lady
who never comes down-stairs, poking her nose into things;" one who
never is so "mean" as to calculate the time that elapses since the
last batch of tea, coffee, sugar, or flour was bought, and the
possibility, when these stores run short of their proper limit, that
they have not been applied wholly to the use of the family. "A good
mistress," to their idea, is one who is totally oblivious as to the
time the gas is turned off at night, in the lower part of the house,
or whether, indeed, it is turned off at all, or how many superfluous
burners are constantly swelling up the gas-bill, where one would
answer the purpose. "A good mistress," in servants' parlance, is one
who scorns to look after any amount of chicken, or turkey, or beef,
which may not be all eaten the first time it is set upon the table,
and who will cheerfully purchase steaks for breakfast instead. "A good
mistress," with many of them, is one who, beside paying good wages,
gives them half-worn clothes enough to enable them to spend their
money in other directions, and who yet is willing that these clothes
should be worn only when they go out visiting, while they are
constantly untidy at work.
"A good mistress," with the master of the house, is one who is just
the reverse of all this. She is one who is constantly fighting waste
and unnecessary outlay, and stupidity, and ignorance, and obstinacy,
and impertinence, and unthrift. She is one who, with a constant
panorama of Bridgets, and Betseys, and Marys, and Sallys, through her
lower domains, at the expense of her own strength, and patience, and
temper, and brain, and with no prospect of an end to the same until
intelligence-offices contain more intelligence, is yet perfectly
seraphic at the idea of being at the head of a training-school for
servants, the remainder of her natural life; and smiles constantly at
the same time under reminders of the necessity of greater economy in
the household department. This is the husband's idea of "a good
mistress."
Now I maintain that, with the present _average_ material, ever so good
a mistress, with the best intelligence and intentions, cannot "make a
good servant." _Passable_ they may be; but not "_good_."
The truth is--_brain_ is wanted to make a good servant; and at present
there is only muscle. Hence our gas is half turned off. Hence our
water is wholly turned _on_, till a flood comes. Hence bits of stick
and string and dirt are thrown into pipes--for the benefit of the
plumber, and the depletion of our pockets. Hence the devil is to pay
generally, till the distracted good lady of the house considers it the
last drop in the bucket, when "her Sam" or John is unreasonable enough
to expect her, with such brainless material, to present him with
workmanlike results.
In America, the word "servant" is hateful to them; they much prefer
the word "domestic" to express the same idea. Every servant in
America, with few exceptions, dresses to suit herself; and a very bad
thing she generally makes of it. Some few families insist on the
muslin cap for their "nurses," and the regulation black dress and
white apron. But this dress is obnoxious to the majority of servants;
nor do I, for one, blame them for it. A most excellent colored woman,
in a family of my acquaintance, whose Northern mistress had purchased
her freedom before the war, and who was beloved by every member of the
family, refused to wear the colored turban-handkerchief at request of
her mistress, who had a taste for the picturesque in costume, saying,
with much spirit, "I cannot do it, madam,--not even for you;--it is
hateful to me; it is the badge of the servitude I suffered so much
under." Of course, she was excused.
Now I can understand why so few servants, in this country, white or
black, are willing to wear anything that bears the interpretation of
"a livery." At the same time, there is hardly a housekeeper or
mistress in the land who is not annoyed by the big hoop, and the long
dress, which knocks over articles, and catches in doors, and trips up
the unlucky wearer in doing her housework, or waiting on table.
Of course, if she understood managing her crinoline as she moved
about, as does her "mistress," these things might not happen; but she
does not; and it is the biggest and stiffest that she can find that
she generally prefers and wears. This is unfortunate for another
reason; because it often exposes dilapidated and soiled underclothing,
and a very questionable state of shoe and stocking. That her mistress,
though cleanly, often dresses in questionable taste, both as regards
the adaptability of her dress to the state of her husband's purse, and
the artistic selection of colors, does not make these glaring mistakes
of her servants less palpable, or less injurious to the servant's
morality; for where the passion for show, joined to narrow means,
effaces that of decency and cleanliness, the downward road to ruin,
for a woman in any station, is already entered upon. It needs only a
very slight impetus to determine the final result.
Alas! the showy bonnet and gay dress, which must be had by cook or
chamber-maid, although they have not a decent change of underclothing,
or a whole pair of stockings, a warm shawl, or a pair of
India-rubbers, or the least hint of flannel for cold weather! Now,
they "have a right," as they say, so to expend their wages, if they
choose. They have a right also to languish on a hospital bed, among
strangers, when sickness and poverty overtake them. _But is it wise?_
In England, the dress of servants has not hitherto, as I understand
it, been a matter of choice to them. I know of an English lady who,
not long since, forbade her nurse to wear a dress, which the latter
had purchased, because it was like that which one of her own children
wore. Servants, in England, have leaped over this form of restriction,
it would seem. Among the "reforms" now proposed, there is one
respecting domestic servants, whose extravagance in dress, whose
depravity of morals, and unreliability of conduct is, they say,
becoming "unendurable." A clergyman's wife has started a reform
movement, and calls upon the ladies of England to help her carry it
out. She proposes "that no servant, under pain of dismissal, shall
wear flowers, feathers, brooches, buckles, or clasps, ear-rings,
lockets, neck-ribbons, velvets, kid gloves, parasols, sashes, jackets,
or trimming of any kind, on dresses, and, above all, no _crinoline_.
No pads to be worn, or frizettes, or chignons, or hair ribbons. The
dress is to be gored, and made just to touch the ground, and the hair
to be drawn closely to the head, under a round, white cap, without
trimming of any kind. The same system of dress is recommended for
Sunday-school girls, school-mistresses, church-singers, and _the lower
orders generally_." I think "the Sunday-school girls, church-singers,
school-mistresses, _and lower orders," in America, generally_, would
have to undergo a most wonderful _peeling_, according to this
programme! I think an American "servant" would scarcely be content to
be deprived of her "parasol," of a hot Sunday, when she went to
church.
No, no, ladies; that's not the way to do it; not even in England,
where flunkeys abound. The "lower orders" are waking up there, thank
God! and I hope, to their best interests. True, it is mournful to see
all a servant's wages on her head, in the shape of a gay dress-bonnet.
I hate it; but I hate it for her own sake, because she needs so many
comfortable things that the sum so expended would buy. And I hate,
just as much, to see her mistress in a velvet cloak, which represents
all her husband's earnings for one month, while there is a shabby
carpet on her front entry or chamber, and "nicked" cups and saucers on
her table. In fact, I think, that while the _parlor_ sets so bad an
example, the _kitchen_ will never be swept with a clean broom.
_THE MOTHER-TOUCH._
How soon the house shows its absence! How little the lack of her
executive watchfulness is realized till, like her plants that droop
for want of water, everything about the house has somehow a wilted
look! For was it not "mother" who moved about, instinctively placing a
bright-colored vase just where the light would most effectually fall
on it, and raised a curtain, or drew it aside, from the same artistic
impulse?--who opened a window here or closed it there, just at the
right moment, to make the temperature of the house agreeable?--who,
passing into one room, straightened a cloth that was ever so little
awry upon the table, or put out of the way some carelessly placed
footstool, over which some stranger foot might have stumbled; or put
sofas and chairs in such neighborly and comfortable proximity, that it
was really quite wonderful how they could help carrying on a
conversation with each other?
Was it not "mother," who, seating herself at the table, saw on the
instant if the proper geographical positions of the dishes were
respected? And did she not, how weary soever with her frittering life
of detail, see to it that the unities were harmoniously preserved, in
spite of Erin's unteachable proclivities to the contrary, and all with
a glance of her eye, or a whispered word, or a touch of her magic
finger-tips?
And the children! The button is never missing at the throat of the
little garment, where insidious croup essays to creep in. The tiny
mittens are nicely mended, and no shoulder-strap is so tight as to
impede motion or cut the tender skin, till the justly irritated child
gets a boxed ear at school, which should by right have been
administered to the person who planned and put on its abominable
clothes--ruffled, mayhap, and embroidered, but ill-fitting, and
rasping as the hair-cloth shirt of the devotee. And who but "mother"
remembers whether "that poor child ate any breakfast this morning," or
needs the intervening and comforting bit of bread and butter, for lack
of which, again, its ears are unjustly boxed at school? And does she
not plan her "shopping" and "calling," so that when the little ones
come back from school or play, the house may not seem empty, who else
soever may be there, because "_mother_" is out? No little nose in
_her_ house is flattened on the window-pane, hour after hour, watching
for the presence, which alone fills the house with sunshine--settles
all grievances, or else kisses them away; and always for the tired
little feet substitutes soft slippers in lieu of the heavy boots. And
who, at night, bathes the heated forehead and flushed face, and cools
off the little hands before they are folded to say, "Now I lay me,"
and leaves a kiss on lips that falter with sleep at the last unsaid
syllable, for it may be that in this world it will never be finished.
"Mother" thinks of that.
And now, "_mother_" is "gone"! Oh, how much is in that little word?
There is a "body" down-stairs, but that soon will go too. For the
grown people it leaves behind, there may be solace, but, alas for the
little child, who cannot comprehend why, when mother is "down-stairs,"
she can at the same time be "gone"!--who knows not how, from that
narrow grave, she can "get up" to the far heaven, where they say she
had flown. Alas for the little child who now is overloaded with
clothing when it is warm, and has on far too little when it is needed;
who goes hungry when food is imperative, and is overfed when digestion
clamors for a respite; who breathes all night an already exhausted
atmosphere, and sits perhaps in a deadly draught next morning! The
little child who touches "mother's" work-box, and "mother's" desk, and
"mother's" dresses, but never can find _her!_ who goes to sleep with a
sigh in place of a smile, and wakes up to a lonely house though filled
with voices! In all the wide world there is never so empty a spot as
that little heart.
And what a void is left when it is the little one who goes! "Say
something to comfort you for the loss of your little one." This is
what you asked of me. Nothing I could say _now_, my friend, would
comfort you, because you are stunned, and must have time to lift your
head and look about you. _Then_ you will see myriads of little graves
beside your own darling's, and myriads of mothers who have passed
through the same Gethsemane, where you are now weeping tears of blood.
Each of those mothers has cried out like yourself, "What sorrow was
ever equal to my sorrow?" What is that to me? you ask. Listen. Many of
these mothers are now thanking God, every day of their lives, that
their little ones are safe from the fearful earthly storms that have
since come with desolating sweep over their hearthstones. Humbly they
say, "Ah! I little knew, though my Maker did, when he folded my baby
safely to His protecting breast, what was in the future." Well, some
day _you_ too will cease to weep--growing unselfish--and reaching
forth further each day your supplicating hands towards that heavenly
home where there shall be "no more death." Having your treasure there,
there will be your heart also. Said a sweet young mother to me, "Once
I used to cry always, at twilight, that I must some day die. Now that
my baby is gone, death has no terrors for me, for there I shall be
happy with her again--and _forever_."
Let those who can, rob her of this her beautiful faith. When the sun
shines only on the graves wept over by _others_, they can stand erect
and say, "This world is good enough for me. I don't want any better."
But see, if with the first falling clod on some dear, cold, still
breast, "_My_ God!" will not come as involuntarily to their lips as
"Mother!" to the little child's, when pain overtakes it away from her
protecting side.
The shining lock, the little shoe--my friend, it is long years since I
shed a tear over mine--I can take them out of their wrappings in my
hand, and smile to think that I am so far on my journey that I shall
soon see my little one face to face. _Whether she or I will be the
child_ when we meet again, God only knows; or, what heavenly mysteries
I shall learn, kneeling at my baby's feet, I cannot tell; but this I
know, by the kisses I have given many a little face since she died,
for _her_ dear sake, that a mother's love was meant to reach far
beyond the grave.
* * * * *
The bits of conversation one hears in the street, are often very
suggestive. Said a gentleman the other day: "It appears to me, that
the women of to-day are excellent in every department, but that of
_wives_." It occurred to us, that if this were true, what a comment it
was on the stupidity and bad management of the general husband. If in
every other relation of life, woman does excellently well, why should
she not do well in _this_?
_SOME GOSSIP ABOUT MYSELF._
First--my unfortunate NOSE! I think life would be a different thing to
me had I no nose. When you consider that there are twenty disagreeable
odors to one sweet one, you will be at no loss to understand my
meaning; and yet, after all, when we come to definitions, your
_pleasant_ smell might be a very noisome one to me. Your tobacco, sir,
for instance; or your "patchoule," madam, or your musk. Then turnips,
or cabbage, in process of cooking, may not cause _you_ to throw
up--the window! Beefsteak smoke, or mutton-chop smoke, or
buckwheat-cake smoke, may render _you_ quite happy in prospect, while
I only sigh for that far-off millennium when cooking shall be
inodorous. Stay! I meant to except coffee. Hail coffee--_rain_ coffee,
if you will. Ah! I would keep a perpetual pot of coffee steaming on my
kitchen range. Tea smells nice and tastes well, I suppose, to its
lovers, for whom I have little respect. In truth, when I reflect how
my nose curtails my daily bill of fare, I am lost in wonder, and my
butcher no doubt also marvels at its monotony. The whole family of
_Frys_, for instance, except a gentleman I once knew of that name,
are odious to my olfactories.
In the millennium I speak of, no cook will allow a bone to be singed
on the fire, or milk to boil over upon the stove; for let her know
that up three, four, yea, five pair of stairs, I shall immediately be
apprised of the same by this my watchful member. Let her not dream
that her cousin, or uncle, or male "follower" of any degree, can
smoke, or even light his pipe, in the kitchen, without giving me an
impulse toward the bell-wire. Let no grocer boy or ice-man fondly hope
to retain the celestial spark, while he briefly deposits his wares in
my kitchen; and if Terence O'Flaherty thinks he can shovel coal into
my cellar and smoke at the same time, although I may be knee-deep in
an "article" at the top of the house, Terence has reckoned without his
host-ess.
I know you are sorry for me. I am sorry for myself, because it is
obvious that forty times a day I must suffer nasal crucifixion. I get
a comfortable seat in church, or concert-room, or lecture-hall. In
comes Apollo, and sits down at my elbow, in that close, unventilated
place, and finishes the process of strangulation, with dead tobacco
smoke in his clothes and hair. I am quite willing some other lady
should admire him.
But there is a bright side to this nose question. I defy you, who
don't mind tobacco, or the odor of a cooking cabbage, which is much
the same thing, to revel in a rose, or violet, or lily, or a sprig of
heliotrope, or mignonette, as I shall. I defy you to go into a wood
after a rain, and detect, as I shall, every delicate and individual
odor; from the scores of little unseen flowers hiding away under roots
of trees, and in patches of moss, and in crevices of old gray rocks.
_There_--I have the better of you, for that too brief heaven.
Alas! I am very unfortunate. There are my _ears_, too. The squeaking
of a door, the drumming of idle fingers on a table, or tapping of idle
feet on the floor, the scraping of a knife on a bad pencil-point, the
clipping of one's finger-nails with scissors, the continuous biting of
an apple in my presence, the humming of the same idle tune, the sharp
winding of a clock or watch--I fear you will cease to respect me when
I say that I have meditated murder in "the first degree" for the
perpetrators thereof.
If it is any palliation of my crime that I am cold from head to foot
when I hear sweet music; or that the trill of a little bird sends a
tear to my eyes and a prayer to my lips, I confess also to this
weakness. I am quite willing, too, you should ask, as does Mr. Smith,
fifty times a week, "Fanny do you think there ever _was_ a woman born
into the world exactly like _you_?" whatever condemnation that
question may imply for me or--the rest of my sex.
It is said that a certain great statesman, owed much of his popularity
to the fact, that he never forgot the _name_ of a person out of the
thousands who had been presented to him, and would always in shaking
hands say, "I recollect you perfectly; I saw you in such a year, at
such a place, on such an occasion." Of course, his constitutent, from
the village of Frogtown, was immensely flattered, and went home
satisfied that there must be something remarkable about him, which he
had never before found out, that he had made so indelible an
impression on so great a man, with such a press of public care and
business; and didn't this statesman get _his_ constitutent's votes and
good words after that?
Now it is very certain _I_ never should do for a statesman,
notwithstanding my very palpable qualifications apart from this.
I--who persisted for months in calling Mr. Smith Mr. De Peyster
although little pieces of flesh were nipped out of my arms by dismayed
friends, and my toes were trodden on, till there was great danger I
should be crippled for life.
But my last hope was shivered the other day, upon reading, in a public
print, that not only was a person unfit for society, who could not
remember the _names_ of those to whom he had been presented, but that
if he had failed to pronounce that name in the manner the happy owner
of it preferred, it was a mark of low-breeding.
Well, if it has come to that, the question is what is to become of me?
I have done my best, when I am pulled and twitched, to bow and smile
in the direction indicated; but it is a miserable failure. I know it.
I _always_ look the wrong way; I frown at my best friends, and smile
idiotically--to order--on Shem, Ham, and Japheth. I hand a ten-dollar
bill to pay for twenty-five cents' worth of hair-pins, and go out
forgetting my change. I go into the next store, and make a purchase of
a stranger, and depart without alluding in any way to the
remuneration: and when he follows me to the door and meekly inquires
my name and address, I ask him with the dignity becoming a wife and
matron and a grandmother, what business that is of _his_? Last week it
rained, and I left my domicile with an umbrella in _each_ hand.
Yesterday I went out with only one India-rubber shoe on, and feeling
cold in the neglected foot, remarked to my companion that I thought
one of my India-rubbers must have a hole in it to let in the water so
badly. It is very trying to listen, at such a crisis, to the indignant
and oft-repeated query, "_Are_ you going mad?" but I have to endure
it, and, what is worse, I have the sorrowful consciousness of
deserving it.
What troubles me most is, whether I am to pay six cents for car-fare
and ten cents for omnibus, or six cents for car and five for omnibus.
Also, what that gentleman thought of me who was polite enough to hand
up my fare, when, upon presenting me the change, I told him that I had
no occasion for charity. I think the driver was to blame there, in
allowing ten minutes to elapse before making change, during which I
sunk into my customary stupor.
It is useless to enumerate the gloves I have worn in public places,
where the curious spectacle has been presented by the glare of
gas-light, of one _black_ hand and one _green_ one; and, more
marvellous still, when this aberration has been intensified by both
green and black for the _same_ hand.
I have requested my "keepers," when my madness reaches indisputable
lunacy, to pad the walls of my room, and turn the key on me there,
instead of transferring me to a Lunatic Asylum; where my superior and
unapproachable idiocy would so excite the envy of the other inmates,
that my life might be the forfeit. In the meantime, any of my friends
who are shedding salt tears that I have not noticed them, or if any
who are _not_ friends are bristling with indignation because I _have_,
are requested, one and all, to pity my unhappy condition and pass me
by.