him, at nine years old, to one of those suburban seminaries for "_young
gentlemen_," usually kept by elderly gentlemen, who know what it is to
have been deprived of similar advantages in their own youth. They feel,
therefore, a laudable gratification in enabling the rising generation to
pluck some of that fruit from the tree of knowledge which they themselves
never tasted at all. Here he remained till he was nearly seventeen; and
here he acquired a little French, a little Greek, a little Latin, a
little mathematics, a little logic, and a little geography, "with the use
of the globes." In short, he brought away with him a little learning, for
the obtaining of which his father had not paid a little money. He
subsequently enlarged his Lilliputian stock of ideas, by assiduously
prosecuting his studies at home, three days a-week, and three hours
a-day, when he was attended by masters in elocution, Italian, boxing,
fencing, and the other sciences. This eager cultivation of his mind he
pursued till he was two and twenty, and then took his station in about
the third degree of fashionable society, as a scholar and a man of taste.
His father had determined he should be a _gentleman_, and therefore very
properly guarded against the "anachronism," as he used to call it, of
giving him a profession. It is believed, (at least it has been
inculcated,) that there exists, in every human mind, a master, or ruling
passion--a predominating inclination towards some particular object or
pursuit. Mr. Henry Augustus Constantine Stubbs, was in this respect, as
well as in many others, like the rest of his species. He had _his_ ruling
passion, and, but that his father had made him a GENTLEMAN, he was sure
nature had intended him for the Roscius of his age. From his earliest
childhood, when he used to recite, during the Christmas holidays, "_Pity
the sorrows of a poor old man_," and astonish his father's porter (who
had a turn that way himself) with his knowing, _all by heart_, "My name
is Norval, on the Grampian hills,"--to his more matured efforts of, "Most
potent, grave, and reverend signiors," or, "My liege, I did deny no
prisoners,"--the idea of being an actor had constantly fascinated his
imagination.
It was a natural consequence of this theatrical ardour, that Mr. Stubbs
eagerly cultivated the acquaintance of tragedians, comedians, managers,
and dramatic writers. It was his supreme delight to have them at his
table; and as he kept a good table, gave good wines, and excelled in his
_cuisine_, it was a delight he could command whenever he chose. He had
the _entré_, also, of the green-room at both theatres, and acquired an
intimate knowledge of all the feuds, rivalries, managerial oppressions,
intrigues, burlesque dignity, and solemn plausibilities, of that mimic
world. Living thus in an atmosphere electrical, as it were, with
excitement, it is no wonder that, by degrees, he became less and less
sensitive with regard to that ambiguous difficulty which had hitherto
impeded the gratification nearest his heart.
It happened one morning while Mr. Stubbs was sipping his chocolate and
reading, in the Morning Post, a criticism upon a new tragedy which had
been most righteously damned the night before, that his intimate friend
Mr. Peaess, the manager of ---- theatre dropped in. After the usual
salutations were exchanged, and Mr. Peaess had remarked that it was a
fine morning, and Mr. Stubbs had added that it was a windy one, Mr.
Stubbs fell into a brown study. His mind laboured with a gigantic
purpose. It was a moment on which hung indescribable consequences.--Shall
I? Will he? Yes!--yes!--And he did! He imparted to his friend, the
manager, his resolution to make his FIRST APPEARANCE. He fixed upon
Hamlet, chiefly because the character was so admirably diversified by
Shakspeare, that it presented opportunities for the display of an equal
diversity of talent in its representative.
He made no secret of his intention among his friends, and one, in
particular, was privy to his whole course of preparation. This was Mr.
McCrab, a pungent little personage, whose occasional petulance and
acrimony, however they might rankle and fester in more sensitive natures,
were never known to curdle the bland consciousness of self-esteem which
dwelt, like a perpetual spring, upon the mind of Mr. Stubbs. Mr. McCrab
was himself an amateur actor; he had also written a tolerably successful
comedy, as well as an unsuccessful tragedy; and he was, besides, a
formidable critic, whose scalping strictures, in a weekly journal, were
the terror of all authors and actors who were either unable or unwilling
to dispense turtle and champagne.
Mr. Stubbs, it should be mentioned, considered himself a profound reader
of Shakspeare, and believed he had discovered many hitherto concealed
beauties in the wonderful productions of that writer. He prided himself,
too, upon the critical acumen and philosophical penetration with which he
had elicited various qualities intended by the poet to belong to his
characters; and he had often said if he had been an actor he should have
established quite a new method of playing several of them. He was now
about to become an actor, and he resolved, in his very first essay, to
introduce one of his novelties, or new readings. What this was, will be
best explained in the following conversation, which took place between
himself and Mr. McCrab upon the subject.
"Depend upon it, my dear McCrab," said Stubbs, taking down a volume of
Shakspeare from his shelves, "depend upon it, I am borne out in my
opinion, novel as it is, by the text of the immortal author himself; and
I shall _stuff_ the character when I play it. I maintain Hamlet ought to
be"----"A Falstaff in little, I suppose," interrupted McCrab. "No,"
rejoined Stubbs, "he should not be exactly corpulent--but rather
_embonpoint_, as the saying is--sleek--plumpish--in good condition as it
were."
"You talk of the text of Shakspeare as your authority," replied
McCrab,--"I will appeal to the text too--and I will take the description
of Hamlet by Ophelia, after her interview with him. What is her language?
'Oh what a noble mind is here o'erthrown!
The expectancy and rose of the fair state:
The _glass_ of _fashion_ and the _mould_ of _form_,
The _observed_ of all _observers_.'
This eulogium paints in distinct colours what should be the personation
of Hamlet on the stage. It demands, not a little fellow, five feet five,
by three feet four, as you will be, if you _stuff_ the character as you
call it, but rather what Hamlet himself describes his father to have
been,
'A combination, and a form indeed.
Where every god did seem to set his seal,
To give the world assurance of a man.'"
"Never mind my height," said Stubbs, elevating his head, and raising his
chin an inch or two out of his neckcloth.--"Garrick, you know, was none
so tall; and yet I fancy he was considered a tolerably good actor in his
day. But you remember the lines of Charles Churchill,
'There are, who think the stature all in all,
Nor like a hero if he is not tall.
The feeling sense all other wants supplies--
I rate no actor's merit from his size.
Superior height requires superior grace,
And what's a giant with a vacant face?'"
"Very true," answered McCrab, "and, to follow up your theory, were I
asked, what is an actor? I should answer,
''Tis he who gives my breast a thousand pains:
Can make me _feel_ each passion that he _feigns_;
Enrage, compose with more than magic art,--
With pity and with horror tear my heart.'
But, come; let me hear your reasons for believing that Hamlet ought to be
a portly gentleman. I see you are ready with them."
"I am," said Stubbs, "and I'll bet the receipts of the house, on my first
appearance, against those of your next comedy, that I convince you I am
right before I have done. Now, mark,--or, as Horatio says,
'Season your admiration for awhile,
With an attent ear, till I may deliver,
Upon the witness of these same pages,
This marvel to you.'
Ha! ha! that is apt," continued Mr. Stubbs, with a simper.
"For God's love, let me hear," added McCrab--"I hope that's apt too."
"If," said Mr. Stubbs, looking exceedingly grave, "if, I say, we take the
first soliloquy of Hamlet--almost the first words he utters--we shall
find a striking allusion to his habit of body; and not only shall we be
struck by the allusion, but, I contend, the whole force and meaning of
the passage are lost, unless the speaker can lay his hands upon a goodly
paunch, as he exclaims,
'Oh! that this _too too solid flesh_ would melt.
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew.'
We are not to suppose Hamlet speaks metaphorically, but physically; and
his corporeal appearance should be an illustration of his words. He is
already weary of the world--he wishes to die--but 'the Everlasting has
fixed his canon against _self_-slaughter,' and, therefore, he prays for
natural dissolution, by any wasting disease, which may 'thaw' and
dissolve his 'too too solid flesh.' This, perhaps, you will consider
merely conjectural criticism: plausible, but not demonstrative. I own it
has a higher character in my eyes; and, unless I am greatly mistaken,
even the ghost of his own father glances at his adipose tendency, when he
says,
'I find thee apt
But duller shouldst thou be than the fat weed
That roots itself in ease on Lethe's wharf,
Wouldst thou not stir in this.'
That is, according to my reading, 'fat as thou art, thou wouldst be
duller than the fat weed of Lethe if you did not bestir yourself in this
business.' Observe, too, with what propriety Shakspeare has here employed
the word 'stir,' it being a well-known fact that corpulent persons have a
strong disinclination to locomotion. And Hamlet himself, (in his
interview with _Rosencrantz_ and _Guildenstern_,) makes a pointed
allusion to the indolence and lethargy which so commonly accompany
obesity. 'I have of late,' he says, 'but wherefore I know not, _lost all
my mirth_, foregone all _custom of exercises_, and, indeed, it goes so
_heavily_ with my disposition,' &c. &c. Now what is this, I would fain
know, if it be not the natural complaint of a man suffering under the
oppression of too much flesh? or, as he afterwards expresses it, with
another allusion to his fatness, 'to _grunt_ and _sweat_, under a weary
life?' You have quoted the language of Ophelia in support of the common
notions with regard to the personation of this character; but you forget
the remarkable expression she uses when describing to her father the
unexpected visit of 'Lord Hamlet,' while she was 'sewing in her closet:
'At last, a little shaking of mine arm,
And thrice his head thus waving up and down,
He raised a sigh so piteous and profound,
As it did seem to shatter all _his_ bulk,
And end his being.'
What say you to this?--_His_ bulk! The sigh was so profound, that it
seemed to shatter even _his_ bulk! I fancy I might rest my case here, and
win my wager, eh? But I am too skilful a general to throw away my
strength at the beginning of a battle. If I have not already beaten you
from your last strong hold--from your last defence--I have a _corps de
reserve_, which will at once decide the victory. You remember the
concluding scene, I suppose--the fencing bout between Hamlet and Laertes?
What do you think of the following little bit of dialogue?
'_Laertes_.--A touch--a touch,--I do confess.
_King_.--Our son shall win.
_Queen_.--He's fat and scant of breath. Here,
Hamlet, take my napkin--rub thy brows
----Come, let me wipe thy face!'
Do you not imagine you see the pursy Prince, purring and blowing and
sweating with the exertion he had made, and 'larding the lean earth,'
like another Falstaff almost? Nay, the very words, 'Come let me wipe thy
face,' are addressed by Doll Tearsheet to Falstaff, when he was heated by
his pursuit of Pistol:--'Alas, poor ape, how thou sweatest! Come, let me
wipe thy face.' Hem!" (quoth Mr. Henry Augustus Constantine Stubbs) "I
have done--and pause for a reply."
"You'll be horribly laughed at," said McCrab, "if you do make Hamlet a
fat little fellow."
"Shall I?" exclaimed Stubbs, with a contented chuckle, and rubbing his
hands "shall I be horribly laughed at?"
"Ay," replied McCrab, "and gloriously gibbetted the next day, in all the
papers, for your Sancho Panza exhibition."
"Pooh!" ejaculated Stubbs, "pooh! pooh! what care I for the rascally
papers? Don't I know what sort of critics they are who guide the public
taste, and fulminate their mighty WE in the columns of a newspaper."
(_To be concluded in our next._)
* * * * *
LONDON LYRICS.
THE AUCTIONEER'S ODE TO MERCURY.
_Air.--A German Bravura._
Hermes, god of cheats and chatter,
Wave thy smooth caduceus here--
Now that, pulpit-propp'd, I flatter;
Hermes, god of cheats and chatter,
Smile, oh smile on Mr. Smatter,
Aid an humble Auctioneer!
Wave thy smooth caduceus here,
O'er an humble Auctioneer!
With its virtues tip my hammer,
Model my Grammar,
Nor let me stammer.
First, here's Sackbut's Song of Slaughter;
Verse and prose, the Laureat Otter,
Floats along, diluting song
In milk and water.
Next (who'll buy?) here's Love in Little,
Smooth as glass and eke as brittle;
Here are posies, lilies, roses,
Cupid's slumbers--out in numbers,
Pouting, fretting, fly-not-yetting,
Rosa's lip and Rosa's sign--
For one pound six--who'll buy, who'll buy?
Here's Doctor Aikin, Sims on Baking,
Booth in Cato quoting Plato,
Jacob Tonson, Doctor Johnson,
Russia binding, touch and try--
Nothing bid--who'll buy, who'll buy?
Here's Mr. Hayley, Doctor Paley,
Arthur Murphy, Tommy Durfey,
Mrs. Trimmer's little Primer,
Buckram binding, touch and try--
Nothing bid--who'll buy, who'll buy?
Here's Colley Cibber, Bruce the fibber,
Plays of Cherry, ditto Merry,
Tickle, Mickle,
When I bow and when I wriggle,
With a simper and a giggle,
Ears regaling, bidders nailing,
Ladies utter in a flutter--
"Mister Smatter, how you chatter,
Dear, how clever! well, I never
Heard so eloquent a man!"
Tropes purloining, graces coining,
Glibly I, without repentance,
Clip each sentence.
But, to give each lot its station,
Ere from pulpit I dismount
God of recapitulation,
Hermes, aid me while I count--
Aikin, Baking, Cato, Plato,
Cibber, Fibber--Cherry, Merry,
Hayley, Paley--Secker, Decker,
Tickle, Mickle--Tonson, Johnson,
Literary Caliban.
Forty-seven! Oh, far too thrifty--
Thank'ee, Ma'am--two places--fifty!
Must it go? oh, surely no!
Only eye me, then deny me.
When I bow and when I wriggle,
With a simper and a giggle,
Ears regaling, bidders nailing,
Ladies utter in a flutter--
"Mister Smatter, how you chatter--
Dear, how clever! well, I never
Heard so eloquent a man!"
Tongue of Mentor, lungs of Stentor,
Hermes, thou hast made mine own.
Cox and Robins own, with sobbings,
I'm the winner; Dyke and Skinner
Never caught so glib a tone.
Dull and misty, Squibb and Christie,
When I mount look pale and wan--
Going, going, going--gone!
_New Monthly Magazine_.
* * * * *
SPIRIT OF DISCOVERY.
* * * * *
_Altitude of certain Buildings_.
metres.
The highest Pyramid in Egypt- - - - - - - - - - - -146
The Cathedral at Anvers - - - - - - - - - - - - - 144
The Cathedral at Strasburg - - - - - - - - - - - - 142
The Steeple of St. Stephen, at Vienna, (Austria) - 138
The Steeple of St. Martin, at Landshut - - - - - - 137
St. Peter's, at Rome - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -132
The Steeple of St. Michael, at Hamboro' - - - - - 130.5
The Steeple of St. Peter, at Hamboro' - - - - - - 119
St. Paul's Cathedral, at London - - - - - - - - - 109.7
The Cathedral of Ulm - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -109.4
The Cathedral of Milan - - - - - - - - - - - - - 109
The Tower of the Asinelli, at Bologna - - - - - - 107
The Dome of the Invalids, at Paris - - - - - - - - 105
The Cathedral of Magdebourg - - - - - - - - - - - -101.6
The Cupola of the Pantheon, at Paris - - - - - - - 79
The Balustrade of Notre Dame, at Paris - - - - - - 66
The metre is 39.37 inches.--_From the French_.
_Prevention of Fire in Theatres_.
In consequence of the frequent occurrence of fires in theatres,
particular precautions have been taken with the theatre of the Port St.
Martin, at Paris. A thick wall of hewn stone separates the audience part
from the scenic part of the house; all the doors in it are of iron, and
may be shut instantly, in case of fire; finally, the insulation of the
spectators from the stage is made perfect by means of a screen of plates
of iron, which falls down before the stage. This screen, which weighs
between 1,200 and 1,300 pounds, is easily worked by two men, and slides
up and down upon guides, so as readily to take its place. Besides these
precautions, reservoirs of water are established in the roof, which may
be connected, when necessary, with vessels of compressed air, and made to
throw a powerful jet over a very large part of the building.--_French
Paper_.
_Tanning_.
A tanner, named Rapedius, of Bern Castel, on the Moselle, has discovered
a new species of tan proper for dressing leather. It is the plant known
by the name of Bilberry or Whortleberry, (Vaccinium Myrtilus or
Myrtillis,) which should be gathered in spring, because at this season it
dries more readily, and is more easily ground. Three pounds and a half of
this tan suffice for dressing a pound of leather, while six pounds are
required from the oak to produce the same effect. By this new process,
tanners can gain four months out of the time required for preparing
strong leather. A commission having been appointed at Treves to examine
the leather so prepared, reported, that they had never seen any as good,
and that every pair of shoes made therefrom lasts two months more than
what are manufactured from common leather; that the skin of the neck,
which it is difficult to work, becomes strong and elastic like that of
the other parts. The shrub should not be pulled up, but cut with a bill,
to obtain the reproduction of the plant the following year. When cut,
damp does not deteriorate it, which is not the case with oak bark, which
loses ten per cent. of its value by being wetted.--_From the French_.
_Spiders_.
It would be very interesting to know whether the gossamer threads thrown
out by these insects are in an excited state of electricity: their
divergent state would seem to imply they were; for there seems to be no
other natural cause which could prevent them from coming together,
especially before the insect had left its resting-place. If electric,
then neighbouring bodies, as the hand or branches of a tree, or a stick,
&c., would attract them; but care would be required in making the
experiment, from the readiness with which these threads would move upon
disturbance of the air. If electric, then it would be important to know
whether they were positive or negative; which their attraction, or
repulsion, by a stick of sealing-wax, rubbed on the sleeve of a coat,
would at once determine. It is well known that these threads are almost
perfect insulators of electricity, and would retain a charged state for a
long time in a dry sunny atmosphere.--_Brande's Journal_.
_Method of obtaining Roses of all kinds twice in the Year_.
The following directions, by M. Douette Richardot, are to enable the
amateur to gather as fine roses in September as he did in the preceding
June:--1. Immediately after the first flowering, the shrub is to be
deprived of every leaf, and those branches which have borne roses cut so
that only two or three buds shall remain. The cutting of the weaker
branches may be in a less degree. If the weather be dry when the leaves
are removed, it will be necessary to thoroughly water the stem, for
several days, with the rose of the watering-pot: in this way the sap will
not be arrested. 2. Then the brush is to be used, and the rose tree well
cleansed by it, so that all mouldiness shall disappear: this operation is
very easy after an abundant rain. 3. The earth about the rose tree is to
be disturbed, and then twenty-four sockets of calves' feet are to be
placed in the earth round the stem, and about four inches distant from
it. The hoofs of young calves are the best, and give a vivid colour and
agreeable perfume to the roses. These are to be placed with the points
downwards, so that the cups shall be nearly level with the surface of the
earth, and the plant well surrounded. This operation is to be repeated in
the November following. These hoofs, dissolved by the rain or the
waterings, form an excellent manure, which hastens the vegetation, and
determines the reproduction of flowers. 4. Two waterings per week will
suffice in ordinary weather, and they should be made with the rose of the
watering-pot, so that the hoofs may be filled; but, if the atmosphere is
dry, it will be necessary to water the plants every evening; and in the
latter case it will be necessary, from time to time, to direct the stream
of water on to the head of the tree.--_From the French_.
_American Sea-Serpent_.
Mr. Samuel Mitchell has, in his "Summary of the Progress of Natural
Science for the last few Years," given an amusing account of the progress
of sea-serpentism. It was read before the New York Lyceum, and is
inserted in the American Journal of Science, although not thought
conclusive by its learned editor, Dr. Silliman. The first sea-serpent was
a steam-boat, which, being established at Boston to coast along the
shore, and from its powers and capabilities competent to injure the
business of small boats, was described as a sea-serpent that had been
seen off Nahant and Gloucester, and had probably come there to consume
all the small fish in the place. This was received by many as a serious
account, and believed accordingly.
Another sea-serpent history arose from the circumstance, that a small
sloop, called the Sea-Serpent, having been passed by another vessel, the
captain of the latter, when asked, upon his arrival at home, for news,
said he had seen a sea-serpent, and then described its bunches on the
back, the action of its tail, and other parts; all of which being
understood literally, actually appeared in print, as evidence for the
existence of the animal.
Then a piece of the skin of the bony scaled pike was taken for part of a
sea-serpent's hide. A speckled mother duck, with a numerous brood of
young ones swimming after her in a line on Lake Ontario, was described as
the sea-serpent itself. And from such occurrences as these, perhaps,
mingled with careless observation of the motions and appearances of
porpuses, basking sharks, and balænopterous whales, appears to have
originated every thing that has been said about American
sea-serpents.--_Brande's Jour_.
* * * * *
THE GATHERER.
A snapper up of unconsidered trifles.
SHAKSPEARE.
* * * * *
ELEGANT COMPLIMENT.
A French officer, having arrived at the court of Vienna, the empress,
knowing that he had seen the Princess de * * *, asked him if he thought
this princess was, as reported, the handsomest person in the world?
"Madam," replied the officer, "I thought so yesterday."
* * * * *
Should women sit in parliament,
A thing unprecedented,
A great part of the nation, then
Would be Miss-Represented.
* * * * *
ON A STONE IN THE WALL OF CHISWICK CHURCHYARD.
This wall was made at ye charges of ye Right Honorable and _trulie pious_
Lorde Francis Russell, Earle of Bedford, out of true zeale and care for
ye keeping of this church-yard, and ye _wardrobe of Godd's saints_, whose
bodies lay _theirin_ buried from _violation by swine_, and other
prophanation.--So witnesseth William Walker, Vo. A.D. 1623.
O.W.
* * * * *
A singular custom was formerly observed in the city of Middelburg, in the
Netherlands. When any inhabitant died, a bundle of straw was placed
before the house, with the ears towards the street, if the deceased was a
man; but towards the house, if a woman.
G.W.N.
* * * * *
SINGULAR SUICIDE.
In 1767, a gentleman, named Davers, (who was descended from Sir Robert
Davers, of Roughham, in the county of Suffolk, bart.) died at the Angel
Inn, Islington, by poison. A card, which he was seen to write a few hours
before his death, contained the following words:--"Descended from an
ancient and honourable family, I have, for fifteen years past, suffered
more indigence than ever gentleman before submitted to. I am neglected by
my acquaintance, traduced by my enemies, and insulted by the vulgar."
Beneath the above was written:--
"Of laudanum, an ample dose
Must all my present ills compose;
But the best of laudanum all,
I want; not resolution, but a ball."
G.W.N.
* * * * *
POLYGAMY.
It is well known that the Turks avoid answering questions put to them
concerning their religion, to prevent being exposed to criticism and
raillery. A lady of quality reproached a Turkish ambassador, on the
Mahometan religion allowing them to have several wives. The ambassador,
without entering into any discussion, replied, "It permits it, that we
may be able to find in several, all the graces which are concentrated in
you alone."
* * * * *
John Daens, merchant and citizen of Antwerp, having lent the Emperor
Charles V. a million of gold, invited his majesty to dinner. After a
royal entertainment, he threw the emperor's bond into a fire made of
cinnamon.
G.W.N.
* * * * *