advocates at the bar, who, being engaged on opposite sides of the case
in hand, wrangled with and contradicted each other severely, each
frequently, however, styling his opponent "brother." The countryman
observed to a bystander that there did not seem to be much brotherly
love between them.
"Oh," said he, "they're only brothers _in law_."
"I suppose they'll be married on twa sisters, then," replied he; "and I
think it's just the auld story ower again--freen's 'gree best separate."
=A Family Likeness=
Some soldiers, quartered in a country village, when they met at the
roll-call were asking one another what kind of quarters they had got;
one of them said he had very good quarters, but the strangest landlady
ever he saw--she always took him off. A comrade said he would go along
with him and would take her off. He went and offered to shake hands with
her, saying, "How are you, Elspa?"
"Indeed, sir," said she, "ye hae the better o' me; I dinna ken ye."
"Dear me, Elspa," replied the soldier, "d'ye no ken me? I'm the devil's
sister's son."
"Dear, save us!" quoth the old wife, looking him broadly in the face;
"'od man, but ye're like your uncle!"
="Unco' Modest"=
A Scottish witness in the House of Lords once gave in a rather
dictatorial style his notions as to the failings in the character of
Irishmen and Englishmen.
He was allowed to say his say, and when out of breath Lord Lucan asked
him to oblige the committee with his ideas relative to Scotch character.
"Aweel, my laird, they're just on the contrary, unco' modest and"--the
rest of the sentence was drowned in uproarious merriment.
=Objecting to "Regeneration"=
"What is the meaning of 'regeneration,' Tommy?" asked a teacher in the
north, of one of the most promising pupils.
"It means 'to be born again,' sir," was the answer.
"Quite right, quite right, my man. Would you like to be born again,
Tommy?" said the examiner.
"No, sir, I wadna;" replied the heretical youth, boldly.
"Indeed, laddie, and wha for no'?" inquired the astounded preceptor.
"Because, sir," answered Tommy, "I'm fear'd I might be born a lassie."
=Reasons For and Against Organs in Kirk=
At a certain gathering of Presbyterian clergymen one of them urged that
organs should be introduced in order to draw more young people to the
church; upon which an old minister remarked that this was acting on the
principle of "O whistle, an' I'll come to ye, my lad!"
=Too Much Light and Too Little=
A parish minister in Stirlingshire, noted for his parsimonious habits,
had his glebe land wholly cropped with corn upon one occasion. After the
ingatherings of harvest, news reached him that a considerable fall in
prices was expected, and he ordered his serviceable "man," John, to get
the corn threshed and taken to market with all possible speed. Now the
beadle, having a well-founded hatred for his master's greed, set about
his work in his ordinary style--a slow, if sure, process. John's style,
however, did not on this occasion please the minister, who ordered him
to get through with the task, even though he should get it done by
candle-light.
"Weel, weel," said the beadle; "say nae mair aboot it; it'll be done,
sir, e'en as ye desire."
Next day the minister, hearing the sound of the flail, entered the barn
to see what progress was being made with the work, when, to his
astonishment and anger, he found his beadle "flailing" away with might
and main, and a candle burning brightly on each side of the
threshing-floor.
"What's this I see? What's the meaning of this?" demanded his master.
"Candles burning in broad daylight!"
"Oh, contain yersel', sir--contain yersel'," replied John with provoking
coolness. "I'm daein' nae mair than ye bade me, for I'm daein' the job
baith by day-licht and by can'le-licht."
The beadle, after being severely lectured on his extravagant conduct,
was ordered to take the candles to the kitchen, and henceforth and at
all times he was to be deprived of their use.
One night shortly after, a message came to the minister that one of his
parishioners, who lived at a distance, was supposed to be dying, and was
anxious to see him. John was dispatched to saddle the horse; and his
master set about equipping himself for the journey. He then stepped
across to where John was waiting with the animal, and seizing the reins,
was about to mount, when suddenly, seeing a pair of horns on the crest
of the steed, he shouted: "What in all the earth is this you have done,
John?"
The beadle, comically peering in the darkness at the creature,
exclaimed: "I declare, sir, if I hav'na saddled the coo instead o' the
horse, for the want o' can'le-licht!"
=A Reproof Cleverly Diverted=
The punctuality which reigned over the domestic regulations of Dr.
Chalmers was sometimes not a little inconvenient to his guests.
His aunt, while living in the house, appearing one morning too late for
breakfast, and well knowing what awaited her if she did not "take the
first word o' flyting," thus diverted the expected storm.
"Oh! Mr. Chalmers," she exclaimed, as she entered the room, "I had such
a strange dream last night; I dreamt that you were dead. And I dreamt,"
she continued, "that the funeral cards were written; and the day came,
and the folk came, and the hour came; but what do you think happened?
Why, the clock had scarce done chapping twelve, which was the hour named
in the cards, when a loud knocking was heard in the coffin, and a voice,
gey peremptory and ill-pleased like, came out of it, saying, 'Twelve's
chappit, and ye're no liftin'!'"
The doctor was too fond of a joke not to relish this one; and, in the
hearty laugh which followed, the ingenious culprit escaped. [22]
=A Scotch "Squire"=
"What name, sir?" said a booking clerk at a coach office in Paisley, to
a person who was applying for a seat in the Glasgow coach.
"What hae ye to dae wi' my name, gin I gie ye the siller?" replied the
applicant.
"I require it for the way-bill; and unless you give it, you can't have a
place in the coach," said the clerk.
"Oh! gin that be the case, I suppose ye maun hae't. Weel, then, my
name's John Tamson o' Butter Braes, an' ye may put 'Esquire' till't, gin
ye like; at least, I live on my ain farm."
=Peter Peebles' Prejudice=
"Ow, he is just a weed harum-scarum creature, that wad never take his
studies; daft, sir, clean daft."
"Deft!" said the justice; "what d'ye mean by deft--eh?"
"Just Fifish," replied Peter; "wowf--a wee bit by the East--Nook, or
sae; it's common case--the ae half of the warld thinks the tither daft.
I have met folk in my day that thought I was daft mysell; and, for my
part, I think our Court of Session clean daft, that have had the great
cause of Peebles against Plainstanes before them for this score of
years, and have never been able to ding the bottom of it yet." [20]
=English versus Scotch Sheep's Heads=
A Scottish family, having removed to London, wished to have a sheep's
head prepared as they had been accustomed to have it at home, and sent
the servant to procure one.
"My gude man," said the girl, "I want a sheep's head."
"There's plenty of them," replied the knight of the knife, "choose one
for yourself."
"Na, na," said she, "I want ane that will sing (singe)."
"Go, you stupid girl," said he, "whoever heard of a sheep's head that
could sing?"
"Why," said the girl in wrath, "it's ye that's stupid; for a' the
sheep's heads in Scotland can sing; but I jalouse your English sheep
are just as grit fules as their owners, and can do naething as they
ocht."
=Seeking, not Help, but Information--and Getting It=
The landlord of the hotel at the foot of Ben Nevis tells a story of an
Englishman stumbling into a bog between the mountain and the inn, and
sinking up to his armpits. In danger of his life he called out to a tall
Highlander who was passing by, "How can I get out of this?" to which the
Scotchman replied, "I dinna think ye can," and coolly walked on.
=Compulsory Education and a Father's Remedy=
One of the members of a Scottish School Board was recently discussing
the question of compulsory education with a worthy elector, who
addressed him as follows: "An' that's gospel, is't, that ye're gaun to
eddicatt my bairns whuther I will or no?"
The member proceeded to explain.
"Weel, I'll just tell ye. Ye say they're to be eddicatt; I say they're
no' an' they sanna. I'll droon them first!"
="No Lord's Day!"=
In a certain district in the Highlands, the bell-man one day made the
following proclamation: "O yes, O yes, and O yes; and that's three
times! You'll all pe tak' notice, that there will pe no Lord's day here
next Sabbath, pecause the laird's wife wants the kirk to dry her clothes
in!"
=Dead Shot=
An ironmonger who kept a shop in the High Street of Edinburgh, and sold
gunpowder and shot, when asked by any ignorant person in what respect
"patent" shot--a new article at that time--surpassed the old kind, "Oh,
sir," he would answer, "it shoots deader."
=Quid Pro Quo=
An old Scottish beggar, with bonnet in hand, appealed to a clergyman for
"a bit of charity." The minister put a piece of silver into his hand.
"Thank ye, sir; oh, thank ye! I'll gie ye an afternoon's hearing for
this ane o' these days."
=The Scottish Credit System=
An intimation hung in a warehouse in Glasgow was to this effect: "No
credit given here, except to those who pay money down."
=Scotch "Paddy"=
"Noo, my gude bairns," said a schoolmaster to his class "there's just
another instance o' the uncertainty o' human life; ane o' your ane
schulemates--a fine wee bit lassie--went to her bed hale and weel at
night and rose a corpse in the morning."
=The Importance of Quantity in Scholarship=
Charles Erskine was, at the age of twenty, a teacher of Latin in
Edinburgh University. On one occasion, after his elevation to the bench,
a young lawyer in arguing a case before him used a false Latin quantity,
whereupon his lordship said, with a good-natured smile, "Are you sure,
sir, you are correct in your _quantity_ there?"
The young counsel nettled at the query, retorted petulantly, "My lord, I
never was a schoolmaster."
"No," answered the judge, "nor, I think, a scholar either."
=Capital Punishment=
Andrew Leslie, an old Scotchman, always rode a donkey to his work and
tethered him, while he labored, on the road, or wherever else he might
be. It was suggested to him by a neighboring gentleman that he was
suspected of putting him in to feed in the fields at other people's
expense.
"Eh, laird, I could never be tempted to do that, for my cuddy winna eat
anything but nettles and thistles."
One day, however, the same gentleman was riding along the road when he
saw Andrew Leslie at work, and his donkey up to his knees in one of his
own clover fields feeding luxuriously.
"Hollo! Andrew," said he, "I thought you told me your cuddy would eat
nothing but nettles and thistles."
"Ay," was the reply, "but he misbehaved the day; he nearly kicked me
ower his head, sae I put him in there just to punish him!"
="Plucked!"=
Scotch parish schoolmasters are, on their appointment, examined as to
their literary qualifications. One of the fraternity being called by his
examiner to translate Horace's ode beginning, "Exegi monumentum ære
perennius," commenced as follows: "Exegi monumentum--I have eaten a
mountain."
"Ah," said one of the examiners, "ye needna proceed any further; for
after eatin' sic a dinner, this parish wad be a puir mouthfu' t' ye. Ye
maun try some wider sphere."
=An Instance of Scott's Pleasantry=
Sir Walter Scott was never wanting in something pleasant to say, even on
the most trivial occasions. Calling one day at Huntly Burn, soon after
the settlement of his friend in that house, and observing a fine
honeysuckle in full blossom over the door, he congratulated Miss
Ferguson on its appearance. She remarked that it was the kind called
trumpet honeysuckle, from the form of the flower. "Weel," said Scott,
"ye'll never come out o' your ain door without a flourish o' trumpets."
=Turning His Father's Weakness to Account=
Many good stories are told of old Dr. Lawson, a Presbyterian minister in
Scotland, who was so absent-minded that he sometimes was quite
insensible of the world around him. One of his sons, who afterwards
became a highly esteemed Christian minister, was a very tricky boy,
perhaps mischievous in his tricks.
Near the manse lived an old woman, of crabbed temper, and rather ungodly
in her mode of living. She and the boy had quarreled, and the result was
that he took a quiet opportunity to kill one of her hens. She went
immediately to Dr. Lawson and charged his son with the deed. She was
believed; and, as it was not denied, punishment was inflicted. He was
ordered to abide in the house; and to make the sentence more severe his
father took him into the _study_, and commanded him to sit there with
him.
The son was restless, and frequently eyed the door. At last he saw his
father drowned in thought, and quietly slipped out. He went directly to
the old woman's and killed another hen, returning immediately and taking
his place in the library, his father having never missed him.
The old woman speedily made her appearance, and charged the slaughter
again upon him.
Dr. Lawson, however, waxed angry--declared her to be a false accuser, as
the boy had been closeted with him all the time--adding: "Besides, this
convinces me that you had just as little ground for your last
accusation; I therefore acquit him of both, and he may go out now."
The woman went off in high dudgeon, and the prisoner in high glee.
=Curious Idea of the Evidence for Truth=
Jean M'Gown had been telling a story to some friends who seemed inclined
to doubt the truth thereof, when Jean, turning round quite indignantly,
said, "It mon be true, for father read it out o' a _bound book_!"
=Dry Weather, and Its Effects on the Ocean=
The family of Mr. Torrance were about leaving the town of Strathaven,
for America. Tibby Torrance, an old maiden sister of Mr. Torrance's was
to accompany them.
Before they left, some of the neighbors were talking to Tibby of the
dangers of the "great deep," when she suddenly exclaimed, "Aweel, aweel,
it's been a gay dry summer, and I think the sea'll no' be very deep!"
=Laughing in the Pulpit--With Explanation=
A Scotch Presbyterian minister stopped one morning, in the middle of his
discourse, laughing out loud and long. After a while he composed his
face, and finished the service without any explanation of his
extraordinary conduct.
The elders, who had often been annoyed with his peculiarities, thought
this a fit occasion to remonstrate with him. They did so during the noon
intermission, and insisted upon the propriety of his making an
explanation in the afternoon. To this he readily assented; and after the
people were again assembled, and while he was standing, book in hand,
ready to begin the service, he said:
"Brethren, I laughed in midst of the service this mornin', and the gude
eldership came and talked wi' me aboot it, and I towld them I would make
an apology to you at once, and that I am now aboot to do. As I was
preaching to you this mornin', I saw the deil come in that door wi' a
long parchment in his hand, as long as my arm; and as he came up that
side he tuk down the names of all that were asleep, an' then he went
down the ither side, and got only twa seats down, and by that time the
parchment was full. The deil looked along down the aisle, and saw a
whole row of sleepers, and no room for their names; so he stretched it
till it tore; and he laughed, and I couldn't help it but laugh, too--and
that's my apology. Sing the Fiftieth Psalm."
=A Good Judge of Accent=
A Canadian bishop, well known for his broad Scotch accent as well as his
belief that it was not perceptible, was called upon by a brother Scot
one day, whom he had not seen for several years. Among other questions
asked of him by the bishop was, "How long have you been in Canada?"
"About sax years," was the reply.
"Hoot, mon," says the bishop, "why hae ye na lost your accent, like
mysel'?"
="Haudin' His Stick"=
On my first visit to Edinburgh, having heard a great deal of the
oratorical powers of some of the members of the General Assembly, I was
anxious to hear and judge for myself. I accordingly paid an early visit
to it. Seated next me I saw an elderly, hard-featured, sober-looking
man, leaning with both hands on a stick and eyeing the stick with great
earnestness, scarcely even moving his eyes to right or left.
My attention was soon directed to the speaker above me, who had opened
the discourse of the day. The fervidness of his eloquence, his great
command of language, and the strangeness of his manner excited my
attention in an unusual degree. I wished to know who he was, and applied
to my neighbor, the sober-looking, hard-featured man.
"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is speaking now?"
The man turned on me a defiant and contemptuous look for my ignorance,
and answered, looking reverently at the cane on which his hands were
imposed: "Sir, that's the great Docther Chawmers, and I'm haudin' his
stick!" [16]
=Indiscriminate Humor=
The late Archibald Constable, the well-known Edinburgh publisher, was
somewhat remarkable in his day for the caustic severity of his speech,
which, however, was only a thin covering to a most amiable, if somewhat
overbearing, disposition.
On one occasion a partner of the London publishing house of Longman,
Hurst, Rees, Orme & Brown was dining with Mr. C----, at his country seat
near the beautiful village of Lasswade. Looking out of the window, the
Londoner remarked, "What a pretty lake, and what beautiful swans!"
"Lake, mon, and swans!--it's nae a lake, it's only a pond; and they're
naething but geese. You'll maybe noteece that they are just five of
them; and Baldy, that ne'er-do-weel bairn there, caws them Longman,
Hurst, Rees, Orme and Brown!"
Sir Walter Scott, in telling the story, was wont to add: "That skit cost
the 'crafty' many a guinea, for the cockney was deeply offended, as well
he might be, not knowing the innocent intent with which his Scotch
friend made such speeches."
=Scotch Undergraduates and Funerals=
The reported determination of a Scottish professor not to allow the
students of his class more than one funeral in each family this session
sounds like a grim joke; but it is fair to note that this gentleman, who
has presumptively some experience of the ways of undergraduates, was
lately reported to have come to the conclusion that the very high rate
of mortality of late among the relatives of members of his class has
been "artificially produced." Dark reminders of the hero of "Ruddigore,"
who was bound by the decrees of fate to commit one crime a day, have
been heard in connection with this mysterious reference; but the
_University Correspondent_ has thrown a little light on the subject. The
suggestion is that the northern undergraduate--not unlike his English
brother--when he is feeling a little bored by his surroundings at the
university, has a habit of producing a sad telegram informing him of the
demise of a maiden aunt or second-cousin who never existed. [17]
=Honest Johnny M'Cree=
In one of his speeches Sheridan says: I remember a story told respecting
Mr. Garrick, who was once applied to by an eccentric Scotchman to
introduce a work of his on the stage. This Scotchman was such a
good-humored fellow, that he was called "honest Johnny M'Cree."
Johnny wrote four acts of a tragedy which he showed to Mr. Garrick, who
dissuaded him from finishing it, telling him that his talent did not lie
that way; so Johnny abandoned the tragedy, and set about writing a
comedy. When this was finished he showed it to Mr. Garrick, who found it
to be still more exceptionable than the tragedy, and of course could not
be persuaded to bring it forward on the stage.
This surprised poor Johnny, and he remonstrated. "Nay, now, David," said
Johnny, "did you not tell me that my talents did not lie in tragedy?"
"Yes," said Garrick, "but I did not tell you that they lay in comedy."
"Then," exclaimed Johnny, "gin they dinna lie there, where the deil
dittha lie, mon?"
=Heaven Before it was Wanted=
A Scotch newspaper relates that a beggar wife, on receiving a gratuity
from the Rev. John Skinner, of Langside, author of "Tullochgorum," said
to him by way of thanks, "Oh, sir, I houp that ye and a' your family
will be in heaven the nicht."
"Well," said Skinner, "I am very much obliged to you; only you need not
have just been so particular as to the time."
=Curious Delusion Concerning Light=
A hard-headed Scotchman, a first-rate sailor and navigator, he, like
many other people, had his craze, which consisted in looking down with
lofty contempt upon such deluded mortals as supposed that light was
derived from the sun! Yet he gazed on that luminary day after day as he
took its meridian altitude and was obliged to temper his vision with the
usual piece of dark-colored glass.
"How," I asked him, "do you account for light if it is not derived from
the sun?"
"Weel," he said, "it comes from the eer; but you will be knowing all
about it some day."
He was of a taciturn nature, but of the few remarks which he did make
the usual one was, "Weel, and so yer think that light comes from the
sun, do yer? Weel! ha, ha!" and he would turn away with a contemptuous
chuckle. [18]
=Less Sense than a Sheep=
Lord Cockburn, the proprietor of Bonally, was sitting on a hillside with
a shepherd; and observing the sheep reposing in the coolest situation he
observed to him, "John, if I were a sheep, I would lie on the other side
of the hill." The shepherd answered, "Ay, my lord, but if ye had been a
sheep, ye would hae mair sense."
=Consoled by a Relative's Lameness=
For authenticity of one remark made by the Rev. Walter Dunlop I can
readily vouch. Some time previous to the death of his wife Mr. Dunlop
had quarreled with that lady's brother--a gentleman who had the
misfortune to lose a leg, and propelled himself by means of a stick
substitute.
When engaged with two of the deacons of his church, considering the
names of those to whom "bids" to the funeral should be sent, one
observed, "Mr. Dunlop, ye maun send ane to Mr. ----" naming the
obnoxious relative.
"Ou, ay," returned the minister, striving that his sense of duty should
overcome his reluctance to the proposal. "Ye can send _him_ ane." Then
immediately added, with much gravity, and in a tone that told the vast
relief which the reflection afforded, "He'll no be able to come up the
stairs." [4]
=Curious Sentence=
Some years ago the celebrated Edward Irving had been lecturing at
Dumfries, and a man who passed as a wag in that locality had been to
hear him.
He met Watty Dunlop the following day, who said, "Weel, Willie, man, an'
what do ye think of Mr. Irving?"
"Oh," said Willie contemptuously, "the man's crack't."
Dunlop patted him on the shoulder, with a quiet remark, "Willie, ye'll
aften see a light peeping through a crack!" [7]
=Too Canny to Admit Anything Particular=
An elder of the parish kirk of Montrose was suspected of illegal
practices, and the magistrates being loth to prosecute him, privately
requested the minister to warn the man that his evil doings were known,
and that if he did not desist he would be punished and disgraced. The
minister accordingly paid the elder a visit, but could extort neither
confession nor promise of amendment from the delinquent.
"Well, Sandy," said the minister, as he rose to retire from his
fruitless mission, "you seem to think your sins cannot be proved before
an earthly tribunal, but you may be assured that they will all come out
in the day of judgment."
"Verra true, sir," replied the elder, calmly. "An' it is to be hoped for
the credit of the kirk that neither yours nor mine come oot afore then."
=Mortifying Unanimity=
I said, to one who picked me up,
Just slipping from a rock,
"I'm not much good at climbing, eh?"
"No, sirr, ye arrrn't," quoth Jock.
I showed him then a sketch I'd made,
Of rough hill-side and lock;
"I'm not an artist, mind," I said;
"No, sirr, ye arrrn't," quoth Jock.
A poem, next, I read aloud--
One of my num'rous stock;
"I'm no great poet," I remarked;
"No, sirr, ye arrrn't," said Jock.
Alas! I fear I well deserved
(Although it proved a shock),
In answer to each modest sham,
That plain retort from Jock.
=A Consoling "If"=
Bannockburn is always the set-off to Flodden in popular estimation, and
without it Flodden would be a sore subject.