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[Illustration: portrait]
SCOTCH WIT AND HUMOR
Classified Under Appropriate Subject
Headings, with, in Many Cases, a
Reference to a Table of Authors
Philadelphia
George W. Jacobs & Co.
103-105 S. Fifteenth Street
Copyright, 1898, by
George W. Jacobs & Co.
Preface
_Scotch Wit and Humor_ is a fairly representative collection of the type
of wit and humor which is at home north of the Tweed--and almost
everywhere else--for are not Scotchmen to be found everywhere? To say
that wit and humor is not a native of Scotch human nature is to share
the responsibility for an inaccuracy the author of which must have been
as unobservant as those who repeat it. It is quite true that the humor
is not always or generally on the surface--what treasure is?--and it may
be true, too, that the thrifty habits of our northern friends, combined
with the earnestness produced by their religious history, have brought
to the surface the seriousness--amounting sometimes almost to
heaviness--which is their most apparent characteristic. But under the
surface will be found a rich vein of generosity, and a fund of humor,
which soon cure a stranger--if he has eyes to see and is capable of
appreciation--of the common error of supposing that Scotchmen are either
stingy or stupid.
True, there may be the absence of the brilliancy which characterizes
much of the English wit and humor, and of the inexpressible quality
which is contained in Hibernian fun; but for point of neatness one may
look far before discovering anything to surpass the shrewdness and
playfulness to be found in the Scotch race. In fact, if Scotland had no
wit and humor she would have been incapable of furnishing a man who
employed such methods in construction as were introduced by the engineer
of the Forth Bridge.
W. H. HOWE.
Contents
Page
A Badly Arranged Prayer 108
A Beadle Magnifying his Office 26
A Board-School Examiner Floored 143
A Bookseller's Knowledge of Books 181
"A Call to a Wider Sphere" 99
A Canny Witness 112
A Case in which Comparisons were Odious 76
A Castle Stor(e)y 119
A Churl Congratulated 165
A Clever "Turn" 161
A Comfortable Preacher 111
A Compensation Balance 180
A Compliment by Return 68
A Conditional Promise 87
A Consistent Seceder 159
A Consoling "If" 43
A Critic on His Own Criticism 124
"A Cross-examiner Answered" 13
A Crushing Argument against MS Sermons 176
A Curiously Unfortunate Coincidence in Psalm Singing 164
A Cute Gaoler 212
A Cute Way of Getting an Old Account 88
A Definition of Baptism 129
A Definition of "Fou" 59
A Descendant of the Stuarts 105
A Descriptive Hymn 195
A Different Thing Entirely 67
A Discerning Fool 199
A Drunkard's Thoughts 125
A Dry Preacher 120
A False Deal 125
A Family Likeness 30
A Fruitful Field 176
A Good Judge of Accent 38
A Grammatical Beggar 120
A "Grand" Piano 147
A "Grave" Hint 173
A Harmless Joke 106
A Highland Chief and His Doctor 170
A Highland Servant Girl and the Kitchen Bell 97
A Highland Outburst of Gratitude and an Inburst of Hurricane 66
A Highlander on Bagpipes 56
A Keen Reproof 134
A "Kippered" Divine 105
A Law of Nature 199
A Leader's Description of His Followers 190
A Lecture on Baldness--Curious Results 46
A Lesson in Manners 202
A Lesson to the Marquis of Lorne 15
A Lofty "Style" 126
A Lunatic's Advice to Money-Lenders 129
A Magnanimous Cobbler 202
A Marriage not made in Heaven 210
A Matter-of-fact Death Scene 172
A Minor Major 88
A Misdeal 103
A Miserly Professor 46
A Modern Dumb Devil (D.D.) 164
A Mother's Confidence in Her Son 113
A Nest-egg Noo 14
A New and Original Scene in "Othello" 178
A New Application of "The Argument from Design" 174
A New Explanation of an Extra Charge 94
A New Story Book--at the Time 150
A Night in a Coal Cellar 211
A Paradox 200
A Patient Lady 140
A Piper's Opinion of a Lord--and Himself 163
A Poacher's Prayer 205
A Poem for the Future 108
A Poetical Question and Answer 121
A Poor Place for a Cadger 149
A Powerful Preacher 79
A Practical View of Matrimony 207
A Preacher with His Back Towards Heaven 175
A Process of Exhaustion 167
A Ready Student 73
"A Reduction on a Series" 151
A Reproof Cleverly Diverted 32
A Restful Preacher 139
A Sad Drinking Bout 209
A Sad Loss 201
A Satisfactory Explanation 119
A Saving Clause 156
A Scathing Scottish Preacher in Finsbury Park 155
A Scotch Curtain Lecture on Profit and Pain 59
A Scotch Fair Proclamation of Olden Days 153
A Scotch Matrimonial Jubilee 125
A Scotch "Native" 98
A Scotch "Squire" 33
A Scotch "Supply" 109
A Scotch Version of the Lives of Esau and Jacob 62
A Scotch View of Shakespeare 58
A Sensible Lass 200
A Sensible Servant 202
A Serious Dog--and for a Serious Reason 161
A Sexton's Criticism 183
A Shrewd Reply 83
"A Sign of Grace," 103
A Spiritual Barometer 174
A Stranger in the Court of Session 198
A Successful Tradesman 61
A Sympathetic Hearer 87
A Teetotal Preacher Asks for "A Glass"--and Gets It 107
A Test of Literary Appreciation 207
A Thoughtless Wish 167
A Thrifty Proposal 123
A Typical Quarrel 71
A Variety Entertainment 194
A Vigorous Translation 195
A Whole-witted Sermon from a Half-witted Preacher 135
A Widow's Promise 117
A Wife's Protection 100
A "Wigging" 204
Absence of Humor--Illustrated 146
Absent in Mind, and Body too 208
Acts of Parliament "Exhausted" 173
Advice on Nursing 124
Advice to an M.P. 68
"After you, Leddies" 207
"'Alice' Brown, the Jaud" 56
An Affectionate Aunt 199
An Angry Preacher 111
An Author and His Printer 134
An Earl's Pride and Parsimony 127
An Economical Preacher's Bad Memory 92
An Epitaph to Order 194
An "Exceptional Prayer" 118
An Extra Shilling to Avoid a Calamity 206
An Idiot's Views of Insanity 113
An Instance of Scott's Pleasantry 36
An Observant Husband 29
An Open Question 102
An Out-of-the-way Reproof 119
"Another Opportunity" 211
Appearing "in Three Pieces" 73
"As Guid Deid as Leevin" 58
At the End of His Tether 123
Bad Arithmeticians Often Good Bookkeeper 131
"Before the Provost" 195
Beginning Life where he ought to have Ended, and Vice Versa 86
Better than a Countess 114
"Bock Again!"--A Prompt Answer 104
Bolder than Charles the Bold 137
Born Too Late 175
Both Short 193
Broader Than He Was Long 205
"Brothers" in Law 29
"Bulls" in Scotland 29
Canny Dogs 68
Capital Punishment 35
"Capital Punishment"--Modified 90
Caring for Their Minister 19
Catechising 201
Church Economy 60
Church Popularity 197
Choosing a Minister 77
Compensation 84
Compulsory Education and a Father's Remedy 34
Concentrated Caution 173
"Consecrated" Ground 75
Consoled by a Relative's Lameness 41
Curious Delusion Concerning Light 41
Curious Idea of the Evidence for Truth 37
Curious Misunderstanding 131
Curious Pulpit Notice 141
Curious Sentence 42, 68
Curious Use of a Word 91
Dead Shot 34
Deathbed Humor 172
Definition of Metaphysics 131
Degrees of Capacity 95
Denominational Graves 196
Depression--Delight--Despair 126
"Discretion--the Better Part of Valor" 51
Disqualified to be a Country Preacher 122
Distributing His Praises with Discernment 22
Disturbed Devotions 110
Domestics in By-gone Days 102
Double Meanings 17
Drawing an Inference 182
Drinking by Candle-light 121
Driving the Deevil Oot 70
Droll Solemnity 93
Drunken Wit 117
Dry Weather, and Its Effect on the Ocean 37
Earning His Dismissal 57
"Eating Among the Brutes" 110
"Effectual Calling" 142
Either Too Fast or Too Slow 97
English versus Scotch Sheep's Heads 33
Entrance Free, and "Everything Found" 161
Escaping Punishment 196
"Every Man to His Own Trade" 73
Extraordinary Absence of Mind 104
"Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady" 63
Faring Alike 102
Fetching His "Character" 96
Finding Work for His Class, While He Dined 91
Fool Finding 75
Forcing a Judge to Obey the Law 132
"Fou--Aince" 181
Fowls and Ducks! 84
From Different Points of View 74
From Pugilism to Pulpit 158
"Gathering Up the Fragments" 169
Ginger Ale 87
Giving Them the Length of His Tongue 166
Going to Ramoth Gilead 182
Going to the Doctor's and "Taking" Something 76
Good Enough to Give Away 120
Good "for Nothing"--Not the Goodness Worth Having 78
"Grace" With No Meat After 142
Gratifying Industry! 203
Grim Humor 122
Ham and Cheese 150
Happy Escape from an Angry Mob 43
"Haste" and "Leisure" 111
"Haudin' His Stick" 38
"Having the Advantage" 166
"Hearers Only--Not Doers" 88
Heaven Before it Was Wanted 41
Helping Business 48
Highland Happiness 18
Highland Simplicity 85
Highland Warldliness 200
His Own, with "Interest" 193
His Word and His Bond Equally Binding 131
Holding a Candle to the Sun 124
Honest Johnny M'Cree 40
How Greyhounds are Produced 203
How to Exterminate Old Thieves 86
How to Treat a Surplus 89
Husband! Husband! Cease Your Strife! 154
Hume Canonized 160
Inconsistencies of "God's People" 151
Indiscriminate Humor 39
Ingenious Remedy for Ignorance 200
"Invisible and Incomprehensible" 96
It Takes Two to Fight 190
It's a Gran' Nicht 55
"Kaming" Her Ain Head 171
Keeping His Threat--at His Own Expense 145
"Knowledge--It Shall Vanish Away" 106
Knox and Claverhouse 153
Landseer's Deadly Influence 89
Laughing in the Pulpit--With Explanation 37
"Law" Set Aside by "Gospel" 106
Leaving the Lawyers a Margin 129
Less Sense Than a Sheep 41
Lessons in Theology 15
"Lichts Oot!" 107
Light Through a Crack 14
Lights and Livers 193
Living With His Uncle 165
Looking After Himself 193
Looking Before Leaping 107
Lord Clancarty and the Roman Catholic Chaplain 113
Lord Cockburn Confounded 201
Lord Mansfield and a Scotch Barrister on Pronunciation 114
Losing His Senses 51
Lost Dogs 80
"Lost Labor" 149
"Making Hay While the Sun Shines" 112
Mallet, Plane, and Sermon--All Wooden 23
Marriages which are Made in Heaven--How Revealed 115
"Married!"--not "Living" 79
Matrimony a Cure for Blindness 93
Matter More than Manner 90
Maunderings by a Scotchman 184
Meanness versus Crustiness 192
Mending Matters 95
Mental Aberration 70
Minding His Business 79
Modern Improvements 152
More Polite than Some Smokers 100
More Witty Than True 136
Mortal Humor 176
Mortifying Unanimity 43
Motive for Church Going 142
Multum in Parvo 62
National Thrift Exemplified 94
Nearer the Bottom than the Top 175
New Style of Riding in a Funeral Procession 145
New Use for a "Cosy" 95
"No Better than Pharaoh" 143
"No Compliments" 202
No End to His Wit 129
"No Lord's Day!" 34
"No Road This Way!" 159
No Wonder! 27
Not all Profit 89
Not at Home 101
Not "in Chains" 163
Not Necessarily Out of His Depth 98
Not One of "The Establishment" 143
Not Qualified to Baptize 213
Not Quite an Ass 212
Not Surprised 210
Not Up to Sample 116
Not Used to It 141
"Nothing," and How to See It 133
Objecting to Long Sermons 161
Objecting to "Regeneration" 30
Objecting to Scotch "Tarmes" 140
Official Consolation and Callousness 139
"Old Bags" 107
"Old Clo'" 197
One "Always Right," the Other "Never Wrong" 14
One Scotchman Outwitted by Another 214
One Side of Scotch Humor 82
"Oo"--with Variations 116
Ornithology 207
Paris and Peebles Contrasted 57
Passing Remarks 197
Patriotism and Economy 154
Peter Peebles' Prejudice 33
Pie, or Patience? 89
"Plain Scotch" 19
Plain Speaking 93
Playing at Ghosts 157
Pleasant Prospect Beyond the Grave 138
"Plucked!" 36
Popularity Tested by the Collection 118
Practical Piety 172
Practical Thrift 75
"Prayer, with Thanksgiving" 206
Praying for Wind 109
Pretending to Make a Will 133
Prince Albert and the Ship's Cook 77
Prison Piety 61
Prof Aytoun's Courtship 209
Prophesying 130
Providing a Mouthful for the Cow 149
Pulpit Aids 76
Pulpit Eloquence 183
Pulpit Familiarity 165
Pulpit Foolery 138
"Purpose," not "Performance," Heaven's Standard 147
Putting off a Duel and Avoiding a Quarrel 206
Quaint Old Edinburgh Ministers 215
Qualifications for a Chief 26
Question and Answer 127
Quid pro Quo 34
Radically Rude 168
Reasons For and Against Organs in Kirk 31
"Reflections" 28
Refusing Information 85
Relieving His Wife's Anxiety 168
Religious Loneliness 61
Remarkable Presence of Mind 86
Remembering Each Other 115
Reproving a Miser 83
"Rippets" and Humility 170
Rival Anatomists in Edinburgh University 49
Rivalry in Prayer 179
Robbing on Credit 75, 127
Rustic Notion of the Resurrection 128
Sabbath Breaking 85
Sabbath Zeal 123
"Saddling the Ass" 102
Salmon or Sermon 104
Sandy's Reply to the Sheriff 120
Sandy Wood's Proposal of Marriage 49
Satisfactory Security 114
Scoring a Point 13
Scotch Caution versus Suretiship 105
Scotch "Fashion" 18
Scotch Ingenuity 137
Scotch Literalness 98
Scotch "Paddy" 35
Scotch Provincialism 100
Scotch Undergraduates and Funerals 39
Scotchmen Everywhere 180
Scottish Negativeness 96
Scottish Patriotism 147
Scottish Vision and Cockney Chaff 197
Scripture Examination 87
Sectarian Resemblances 166
Seeking, Not Help, but Information--and Getting It 34
Sending Him to Sleep 152
Shakespeare--Nowhere! 159
Sharpening His Teeth 92
Sheridan's Pauses 208
"Short Commons" 137
Short Measure 57
Significant Advice 204
Silencing English Insolence 48
Simplicity of a Collier's Wife 108
Sleepy Churchgoers 170
Speaking Figuratively 112
Speaking from "Notes" 74
Speeding the Parting Guest 192
Spiking an Old Gun 156
Spinning It Out 100
Splendid Use for Bagpipes 171
Square-Headed 84
Strange Reason for Not Increasing a Minister's Stipend 183
Strangers--"Unawares"--Not Always Angels 28
Stratagem of a Scotch Pedlar 80
Steeple or People? 159
Stretching It 69
Sunday Drinking 181
Sunday Shaving and Milking 70
Sunday Thoughts on Recreation 167
"Surely the Net is Spread in Vain in the Sight of Any Bird" 64
Taking a Light Supper 128
"Terms--'Cash Down'" 132
"The" and "The Other" 197
The Best Crap 210
The Best Time to Quarrel 146
The Book Worms 148
The Chieftain and the Cabby 88
The End Justifying the Means 45
The Fall of Adam and Its Consequences 85
The Fly-fisher and the Highland Lassie 101
The Force of Habit 204
The Highlander and the Angels 82
The Horse that Kept His Promise 146
The Importance of Quantity in Scholarship 35
The Journeyman Dog 60
The Kirk of Lamington 149
The Man at the Wheel 156
The Mercy of Providence 59
The "Minister's Man" 177
The Parson and His "Thirdly" 136
The Philosophy of Battle and Victory 154
The Prophet's Chamber 160
The Queen's Daughters--or "Appearances were Against Them" 116
The "Sawbeth" at a Country Inn 180
The Scotch Mason and the Angel 135
The Speech of a Cannibal 162
The Scottish Credit System 35
The Selkirk Grace 151
The Shape of the Earth 178
The Shoemaker and Small Feet 137
The Same with a Difference 139
"The Spigot's Oot" 193
The "Tables" of "the Law" 110
The Value of a Laugh in Sickness 92
"The Weaker Vessel" 79
"There Maun Be Some Faut" 172
"Things which Accompany Salvation" 192
"Though Lost to Sight--to Memory Dear" 153
Three Sisters All One Age 19
Tired of Standing 61
"To Memory 'Dear'" 78
Too Canny to Admit Anything Particular 42
Too Much Light--and Too Little 31
Touching Each Other's Limitations 165
True (perhaps) of Other Places than Dundee 133
Trying One Grave First 90
Trying to Shift the Job 94
Turning His Father's Weakness to Account 36
"Two Blacks Don't Make a White" 158
Two Good Memories 83
Two Methods of Getting a Dog Out of Church 174
Two Questions on the Fall of Man 162
Two Views of a Divine Call 58
Two Ways of Mending Ways 160
Unanswerable 75
"Uncertainty of Life," from Two Good Points of View 148
"Unco' Modest" 30
Unusual for a Scotchman 134
"Ursa Major" 207
Using Their Senses 24
Vanity Scathingly Reproved 203
"Verra Weel Pitched" 118
Virtuous Necessity 27
Was He a Liberal or a Tory? 123
Walloping Judas 56
Watty Dunlop's Sympathy for Orphans 18
Wersh Parritch and Wersh Kisses 198
"What's the Lawin', Lass?" 190
When Asses may not be Parsons 62
Why Israel made a Golden Calf 92
Why Janet Slept During Her Pastor's Sermon 99
Why Not? 133
Why Saul Threw a Javelin at David 182
Why the Bishops Disliked the Bible 139
Will any Gentleman Oblige "a Lady"? 150
Winning the Race Instead of the Battle 207
Wiser than Solomon 152
"Wishes Never Filled the Bag" 141
Wit and Humor Under Difficulties 198
LIST OF KNOWN WORKS AND AUTHORITIES QUOTED
(_Indicated in the Text by a Corresponding Number_)
1 _Life and Labor_ (Smiles)
2 (Robert Burns)
3 (Pall Mall Gazette)
4 (Dr. Chas. Stewart)
5 (Norman Macleod)
6 (Dr. Begg)
7 (Dean Ramsay)
8 _National Fun_ (Maurice Davies)
9 _Anecdotes of the Clergy_ (Jacob Larwood)
10 (William Arnott)
11 (Moncure D. Conway)
12 _Rab and His Friends_ (Rev. John Brown)
13 _Memoir of R. Chambers_ (William Chambers)
14 _Memorials_ (Lord Cockburn)
15 (Dr. Guthrie)
16 (Anonymous)
17 (Daily News)
18 _Turkey in Europe_ (Colonel J. Baker)
19 _All the Year Round_ (Charles Dickens)
20 _Red Gauntlet_ (Sir Walter Scott)
21 (Chambers' Journal)
22 (Dr. Hanna)
23 (Sir W. Scott)
24 (James Hogg)
25 (Rev. D. Hogg)
26 (J. Smith)
Scotch Wit and Humor
=Scoring a Point=
A young Englishman was at a party mostly composed of Scotchmen, and
though he made several attempts to crack a joke, he failed to evoke a
single smile from the countenances of his companions. He became angry,
and exclaimed petulantly: "Why, it would take a gimlet to put a joke
into the heads of you Scotchmen."
"Ay," replied one of them; "but the gimlet wud need tae be mair pointed
than thae jokes."
=A Cross-Examiner Answered=
Mr. A. Scott writes from Paris: More than twenty years ago the Rev. Dr.
Arnott, of Glasgow, delivered a lecture to the Young Men's Christian
Association, Exeter Hall, upon "The earth framed and fitted as a
habitation for man." When he came to the subject of "water" he told the
audience that to give himself a rest he would tell them an anecdote.
Briefly, it was this: John Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldon) was being
examined before a Committee of the House of Lords. In using the word
water, he pronounced it in his native Doric as "watter." The noble lord,
the chairman, had the rudeness to interpose with the remark, "In
England, Mr. Clerk, we spell water with one 't.'" Mr. Clerk was for a
moment taken aback, but his native wit reasserted itself and he
rejoined, "There may na be twa 't's' in watter, my lord, but there are
twa 'n's' in manners." The droll way in which the doctor told the story
put the audience into fits of laughter, renewed over and over again, so
that the genial old lecturer obtained the rest he desired. [3]
=One "Always Right," the Other "Never Wrong"=
A worthy old Ayrshire farmer had the portraits of himself and his wife
painted. When that of her husband, in an elegant frame, was hung over
the fireplace, the gudewife remarked in a sly manner: "I think, gudeman,
noo that ye've gotten your picture hung up there, we should just put in
below't, for a motto, like, 'Aye richt!'"
"Deed may ye, my woman," replied her husband in an equally pawkie tone;
"and when ye got yours hung up ower the sofa there, we'll just put up
anither motto on't, and say, 'Never wrang!'"
="A Nest Egg Noo!"=
An old maid, who kept house in a thriving weaving village, was much
pestered by the young knights of the shuttle constantly entrapping her
serving-women into the willing noose of matrimony. This, for various
reasons, was not to be tolerated. She accordingly hired a woman
sufficiently ripe in years, and of a complexion that the weather would
not spoil. On going with her, the first day after the term, to "make her
markets," they were met by a group of strapping young weavers, who were
anxious to get a peep at the "leddy's new lass."
One of them, looking more eagerly into the face of the favored handmaid
than the rest, and then at her mistress, could not help involuntarily
exclaiming, "Hech, mistress, ye've gotten a nest egg noo!"
=Light Through a Crack=
Some years ago the celebrated Edward Irving had been lecturing at
Dumfries, and a man who passed as a wag in that locality had been to
hear him.
He met Watty Dunlop the following day, who said, "Weel, Willie, man, an'
what do ye think of Mr. Irving?"
"Oh," said Willie, contemptuously, "the man's crack't."
Dunlop patted him on the shoulder, with a quiet remark, "Willie, ye'Il
aften see a light peeping through a crack!" [7]
=A Lesson to the Marquis of Lorne=
The youthful Maccallum More, who is now allied to the Royal Family of
Great Britain, was some years ago driving four-in-hand in a rather
narrow pass on his father's estate. He was accompanied by one or two
friends--jolly young sprigs of nobility--who appeared, under the
influence of a very warm day and in the prospect of a good dinner, to be
wonderfully hilarious.
In this mood the party came upon a cart laden with turnips, alongside
which the farmer, or his man, trudged with the most perfect
self-complacency, and who, despite frequent calls, would not make the
slightest effort to enable the approaching equipage to pass, which it
could not possibly do until the cart had been drawn close up to the near
side of the road. With a pardonable assumption of authority, the marquis
interrogated the carter: "Do you know who I am, sir?" The man readily
admitted his ignorance.
"Well," replied the young patrician, preparing himself for an effective
_dénouement_, "I'm the Duke of Argyll's eldest son!"
"Deed," quoth the imperturbable man of turnips, "an' I dinna care gin ye
were the deevil's son; keep ye're ain side o' the road, an' I'll keep
mine."
It is creditable to the good sense of the marquis, so far from seeking
to resist this impertinent rejoinder, he turned to one of his friends,
and remarked that the carter was evidently "a very clever fellow."
=Lessons in Theology=
The answer of an old woman under examination by the minister, to the
question from the Shorter Catechism, "What are the _decrees_ of God?"
could not have been surpassed by the General Assembly of the Kirk, or
even the Synod of Dart, "Indeed, sir, He kens that best Himsell."
* * * * *
An answer analogous to the above, though not so pungent, was given by a
catechumen of the late Dr. Johnston of Leith. She answered his own
question, patting him on the shoulder: "Deed, just tell it yersell,
bonny doctor (he was a very handsome man); naebody can tell it better."
* * * * *
A contributor (A. Halliday) to _All the Year Round_, in 1865, writes as
follows:
When I go north of Aberdeen, I prefer to travel by third class. Your
first-class Scotchman is a very solemn person, very reserved, very much
occupied in maintaining his dignity, and while saying little, appearing
to claim to think the more. The people whom you meet in the third-class
carriages, on the other hand, are extremely free. There is no reserve
about them whatever; they begin to talk the moment they enter the
carriage, about the crops, the latest news, anything that may occur to
them. And they are full of humor and jocularity.
My fellow-passengers on one journey were small farmers, artisans,
clerks, and fishermen. They discussed everything, politics, literature,
religion, agriculture, and even scientific matters in a light and airy
spirit of banter and fun. An old fellow, whose hands claimed long
acquaintance with the plow, gave a whimsical description of the parting
of the Atlantic telegraph cable, which set the whole carriage in a roar.
"Have you ony shares in it, Sandy?" said one.
"Na, na," said Sandy. "I've left off speculation since my wife took to
wearing crinolines; I canna afford it noo."
"Fat d'ye think of the rinderpest, Sandy?"
"Weel, I'm thinking that if my coo tak's it, Tibbie an' me winna ha'
muckle milk to our tay."
The knotty question of predestination came up and could not be settled.
When the train stopped at the next station, Sandy said: "Bide a wee,
there's a doctor o' deveenity in one o' the first-class carriages. I'll
gang and ask him fat he thinks aboot it." And out Sandy got to consult
the doctor. We could hear him parleying with the eminent divine over the
carriage door, and presently he came running back, just as the train
was starting, and was bundled in, neck and crop, by the guard.
"Weel, Sandy," said his oppugner on the predestination question, "did
the doctor o' deveenity gie you his opinion?"
"Ay, did he."
"An' fat did he say aboot it?"
"Weel, he just said he dinna ken an' he dinna care."
The notion of a D.D. neither kenning nor caring about the highly
important doctrine of predestination, so tickled the fancy of the
company that they went into fits of laughter. [38]
=Double Meanings=
A well-known idiot, named Jamie Frazer, belonging to the parish of
Lunan, in Forfarshire, quite surprised people sometimes by his replies.
The congregation of his parish had for some time distressed the minister
by their habit of sleeping in church. He had often endeavored to impress
them with a sense of the impropriety of such conduct, and one day when
Jamie was sitting in the front gallery wide awake, when many were
slumbering round him, the clergyman endeavored to awaken the attention
of his hearers by stating the fact, saying: "You see even Jamie Frazer,
the idiot, does not fall asleep as so many of you are doing." Jamie not
liking, perhaps, to be designated, coolly replied, "An' I hadna been an
idiot I wad ha' been sleepin', too." [7]
* * * * *
Another imbecile of Peebles had been sitting in church for some time
listening to a vigorous declamation from the pulpit against deceit and
falsehood. He was observed to turn red and grow uneasy, until at last,
as if wincing under the supposed attack upon himself personally, he
roared out: "Indeed, meenister, there's mair leears in Peebles than me."
[7]
* * * * *
A minister, who had been all day visiting, called on an old dame, well
known for her kindness of heart and hospitality, and begged the favor
of a cup of tea. This was heartily accorded, and the old woman bustled
about, getting out the best china and whatever rural delicacies were at
hand to honor her unexpected guest. As the minister sat watching these
preparations, his eye fell on four or five cats devouring cold porridge
under the table.
"Dear me! what a number of cats," he observed. "Do they all belong to
you, Mrs. Black?"
"No, sir," replied his hostess innocently; "but as I often say, a' the
hungry brutes i' the country side come to me seekin' a meal o' meat."
The minister was rather at a loss for a reply.
=Scotch "Fashion"=
The following story, told in the "Scotch Reminiscences" of Dean Ramsay,
is not without its point at the present day: "On a certain occasion a
new pair of inexpressibles had been made for the laird; they were so
tight that, after waxing hot and red in the attempt to try them on, he
_let out_ rather savagely at the tailor, who calmly assured him, 'It's
the fashion--it's the fashion.'
"'Eh, ye haveril, is it the fashion for them _no' to go on_?'" [7]
=Wattie Dunlop's Sympathy for Orphans=
Many anecdotes of pithy and facetious replies are recorded of a minister
of the South, usually distinguished as "Our Wattie Dunlop." On one
occasion two irreverent young fellows determined, as they said, to
"taigle" (confound) the minister. Coming up to him in the High Street of
Dumfries, they accosted him with much solemnity: "Maister Dunlop, hae ye
heard the news?" "What news?" "Oh, the deil's dead." "Is he?" said Mr.
Dunlop, "then I maun pray for twa faitherless bairns." [7]
=Highland Happiness=
Sir Walter Scott, in one of his novels, gives expression to the height
of a Highlander's happiness: Twenty-four bagpipes assembled together in
a small room, all playing at the same time different tunes. [23]
=Plain Scotch=
Mr. John Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldon), in pleading before the House of
Lords one day, happened to say in his broadest Scotch accent: "In plain
English, ma lords."
Upon which a noble lord jocosely remarked: "In plain Scotch, you mean,
Mr. Clerk."
The prompt advocate instantly rejoined: "Nae matter! in plain common
sense, ma lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll ken."
=Caring for Their Minister=
A minister was called in to see a man who was very ill. After finishing
his visit, as he was leaving the house, he said to the man's wife: "My
good woman, do you not go to any church at all?"
"Oh yes, sir; we gang to the Barony Kirk."
"Then why in the world did you send for me? Why didn't you send for Dr.
Macleod?"
"Na, na, sir, 'deed no; we wadna risk him. Do ye no ken it's a dangerous
case of typhus?"
=Three Sisters All One Age=
A Highland census taker contributed the following story to _Chambers'_:
I had a bad job with the Miss M'Farlanes. They are three maiden
ladies--sisters. It seems the one would not trust the other to see the
census paper filled up; so they agreed to bring it to me to fill in.
"Would you kindly fill in this census paper for us?" said Miss
M'Farlane. "My sisters will look over and give you their particulars by
and by."
Now, Miss M'Farlane is a very nice lady; though Mrs. Cameron tells me
she has been calling very often at the manse since the minister lost his
wife. Be that as it may, I said to her that I would be happy to fill up
the paper; and asked her in the meantime to give me her own particulars.
When it came to the age column, she played with her boot on the carpet,
and drew the black ribbons of her silk bag through her fingers, and
whispered: "You can say four-and-thirty, Mr. M'Lauchlin." "All right,
ma'am," says I; for I knew she was four-and-thirty at any rate. Then
Miss Susan came over--that's the second sister--really a handsome young
creature, with fine ringlets and curls, though she is a little
tender-eyed, and wears spectacles.
Well, when we came to the age column, Miss Susan played with one of her
ringlets, and looked in my face sweetly, and said: "Mr. M'Lauchlin, what
did Miss M'Farlane say? My sister, you know, is considerably older than
I am--there was a brother between us."
"Quite so, my dear Miss Susan," said I; "but you see the bargain was
that each was to state her own age."
"Well," said Miss Susan, still playing with her ringlets, "you can
say--age, thirty-four years, Mr. M'Lauchlin."
In a little while the youngest sister came in.
"Miss M'Farlane," said she, "sent me over for the census paper."
"O, no, my dear," says I; "I cannot part with the paper."
"Well, then," said she, "just enter my name, too, Mr. M'Lauchlin."
"Quite so. But tell me, Miss Robina, why did Miss M'Farlane not fill up
the paper herself?"--for Miss Robina and I were always on very
confidential terms.
"Oh," she replied, "there was a dispute over _particulars_; and Miss
M'Farlane would not let my other sister see how old she had said she
was; and Miss Susan refused to state her age to Miss M'Farlane; and so,
to end the quarrel, we agreed to ask you to be so kind as to fill in the
paper."
"Yes, yes, Miss Robina," said I; "that's quite satisfactory; and so,
I'll fill in your name now, if you please."
"Yes," she uttered, with a sigh. When we came to the age column--"Is it
absolutely necessary," said she, "to fill in the age? Don't you think it
is a most impertinent question to ask, Mr. M'Lauchlin?"
"Tuts, it may be so to some folk; but to a sweet young creature like
you, it cannot matter a button." "Well," said Miss Robina--"but now,
Mr. M'Lauchlin, I'm to tell you a great secret"; and she blushed as she
slowly continued: "The minister comes sometimes to see us."
"I _have_ noticed him rather more attentive in his visitations in your
quarter of late, than usual, Miss Robina."
"Very well, Mr. M'Lauchlin; but you must not tease me just now. You know
Miss M'Farlane is of opinion that he is in love with her; while Miss
Susan thinks her taste for literature and her knowledge of geology,
especially her pamphlet on the Old Red Sandstone and its fossils as
confirming the old Mosaic record, are all matters of great interest to
Mr. Frazer, and she fancies that he comes so frequently for the
privilege of conversing with her. But," exclaimed Miss Robina, with a
look of triumph, "look at that!" and she held in her hand a beautiful
gold ring. "I have got that from the minister this very day!"
I congratulated her. She had been a favorite pupil of mine, and I was
rather pleased with what happened. "But what," I asked her, "has all
this to do with the census?"
"Oh, just this," continued Miss Robina, "I had no reason to conceal my
age, as Mr. Frazer knows it exactly, since he baptized me. He was a
young creature then, only three-and-twenty; so that's just the
difference between us."
"Nothing at all, Miss Robina," said I; "nothing at all; not worth
mentioning."
"In this changeful and passing world," said Miss Robina,
"three-and-twenty years are not much after all, Mr. M'Lauchlin!"
"Much!" said I. "Tuts, my dear, it's nothing--just, indeed, what should
be."
"I was just thirty-four last birthday, Mr. M'Lauchlin," said Miss
Robina; "and the minister said the last time he called that no young
lady should take the cares and responsibilities of a household upon
herself till she was--well, eight-and-twenty; and he added that
thirty-four was late enough."
"The minister, my dear, is a man of sense."
So thus were the Miss M'Farlanes' census schedules filled up; and if
ever some one in search of the curiosities of the census should come
across it, he may think it strange enough, for he will find that the
three sisters M'Farlane are all ae year's bairns!
=Distributing His Praises with Discernment=
Will Stout was a bachelor and parish beadle, residing with his old
mother who lived to the age of nearly a hundred years. In mature life he
was urged by some friends to take a wife. He was very cautious, however,
in regard to matrimony, and declined the advice, excusing himself on the
ground "that there are many things you can say to your mither you
couldna say to a fremit (strange) woman."
While beadle, he had seen four or five different ministers in the
parish, and had buried two or three of them. And although his feelings
became somewhat blunted regarding the sacredness of graves in general,
yet he took a somewhat tender care of the spot where the ministers lay.
After his extended experience, he was asked to give his deliberate
judgment as to which of them he had liked best. His answer was guarded;
he said he did not know, as they were all good men. But being further
pressed and asked if he had no preference, after a little thought he
again admitted that they were all "guid men, guid men; but Mr.
Mathieson's claes fitted me best."
One of the new incumbents, knowing Will's interest in the clothes,
thought that at an early stage he would gain his favor by presenting him
with a coat. To make him conscious of the kindly service he was doing,
the minister informed him that it was almost new. Will took the garment,
examined it with a critical eye, and having thoroughly satisfied
himself, pronounced it "a guid coat," but pawkily added: "When Mr. Watt,
the old minister, gied me a coat, he gied me breeks as weel."
The new minister, who was fortunately gifted with a sense of humor,
could not do less than complete Will's rig-out from top to toe, and so
established himself as a permanent favorite with the beadle.
=Mallet, Plane and Sermon--All Wooden=
In olden times, the serviceable beadle was armed with a small wooden
"nob" or mallet, with which he was quietly commissioned to "tap" gently
but firmly the heads of careless sleepers in church during the sermon.
An instance to hand is very amusing.
In the old town of Kilbarchan, which is celebrated in Scottish poetry as
the birthplace of Habbie Simpson, the piper and verse maker of the
clachan, once lived and preached a reverend original, whose pulpit
ministrations were of the old-fashioned, hodden-gray type, being humdrum
and innocent of all spirit-rousing eloquence and force. Like many of his
clerical brethren, he was greatly annoyed every Sunday at the sight of
several of his parishioners sleeping throughout the sermon. He was
especially angry with Johnny Plane, the village joiner, who dropped off
to sleep every Sunday afternoon simultaneously with the formal delivery
of the text. Johnny had been "touched" by the old beadle's mallet on
several occasions, but only in a gentle though persuasive manner. At
last, one day the minister, provoked beyond endurance at the sight of
the joiner soundly sleeping, lost his temper.
"Johnny Plane!" cried the reverend gentleman, stopping his discourse and
eyeing the culprit severely, "are ye really sleeping already, and me no'
half through the first head?"
The joiner, easy man, was quite oblivious to things celestial and
mundane, and noticed not the rebuke.
"Andra," resumed the minister, addressing the beadle, and relapsing into
informal Doric, "gang round to the wast loft (west gallery) and rap up
Johnny Plane. Gie the lazy loon a guid stiff rap on the heid--he
deserves 't."
Round and up to the "wast loft" the old-fashioned beadle goes, and
reaching the somnolent parishioner, he rather smartly "raps" him on his
bald head. Instantly, there was on the part of Johnny a sudden start-up,
and between him and the worthy beadle a hot, underbreath bandying of
words.
Silence restored, the reverend gentleman proceeded with his sermon as
if nothing unusual had occurred. After sermon, Andra met the minister in
the vestry, who at once made inquiry as to the "words" he had had with
Johnny in the gallery. But the beadle was reticent and uncommunicative
on the matter, and would not be questioned at the reception the joiner
had given his salutary summons.
"Well, Andra," at length said the reverend gentleman, "I'll tell ye
what, we must not be beaten in this matter; if the loon sleeps next
Sunday during sermon, just you gang up and rap him back to reason. It's
a knock wi' some _force_ in't the chiel wants, mind that, and spare
not."
"Deed no, sir" was the beadle's canny reply. "I'll no' disturb him,
sleepin' or waukin', for some time to come. He threatens to knock
pew-Bibles and hymn-books oot o' me, if I again daur to 'rap' him atween
this and Martinmas. If Johnny's to be kept frae sleepin', minister, ye
maun _just pit the force into yer sermon_."
=Using Their Senses=
The following story is told by one of the officers engaged in taking a
census: One afternoon, I called up at Whinny Knowes, to get their
schedule; and Mrs. Cameron invited me to stay to tea, telling me what a
day they had had at "Whins" with the census paper.
"'First of all,' said she, 'the master there'--pointing to her
husband--'said seriously that every one must tell their ages, whether
they were married or not, and whether they intended to be married, and
the age and occupation of their sweethearts--in fact, that every
particular was to be mentioned. Now, Mr. M'Lauchlin, our two servant
lasses are real nice girls; but save me! what a fluster this census
paper has put them in. Janet has been ten years with us, and is a most
superior woman, with good sense; but at this time she is the most
distressed of the two. After family worship last night, she said she
would like a word o' the master himsel'.'
"'All right,' says John, with a slight twinkle in his eye.
"'When they were by themselves, Janet stood with her Bible in her hand,
and her eyes fixed on the point of her shoe. 'Sir,' said she, 'I was
three-an'-thirty last birthday, though my neighbor Mary thinks I'm only
eight-an'-twenty. And as for Alexander'--this was the miller, Janet's
reputed sweetheart--'he's never asked my age exactly; and so, if it's
all the same, I would like you just to keep your thumb upon that. And
then, as to whether he's to marry me or not, that depends on whether the
factor gives him another lease of the mill. He says he'll take me at
Martinmas coming if he gets the lease; but at the farthest, next
Martinmas, whether or no.'
"'Janet,' said my husband, 'you have stated the matter fairly; there is
nothing more required.'
"And John, there," continued Mrs. Cameron, "has made good use of Janet's
census return. This very forenoon Lady Menzies called to see us, as she
often does. Said John to her ladyship, says he: 'He's a very good
fellow, Alexander Christie, the miller--a superior man. I'm sorry we are
like to lose him for a neighbor.'
"'I never heard of that,' said her ladyship. 'He is a steady, honest
man, and a good miller, I believe. I should be sorry to lose him on the
estate. What is the cause of this?'
"'Oh,' replied my husband, 'it seems the factor is not very willing to
have a new lease of the mill without one being built. Your ladyship,'
added John, 'can see what Alexander is after.'
"'Oh, yes, I understand,' said she, laughing. 'I will try and keep the
miller'; and off she set without another word. Down the burnside she
goes, and meets Alexander, with a bag of corn on his back, at the
mill-door. When he had set it down, and was wiping the perspiration off
his brow with the back of his hand, Lady Menzies said: 'You are busy
to-day, miller.'
"'Yes, my lady,' said he; 'this is a busy time.'
"'I wonder,' said her ladyship, coming to the point at once, 'that a
fine young fellow like you does not settle down now and take a wife, and
let me have the pleasure of seeing you as a tenant always with us.'
"'You wouldn't, my lady,' said the miller, 'have me bring a bird before
I had a cage to put it in. The factor grudges to build me a house;
therefore, I fear I must remove.'
"'Well, Christie,' said her ladyship with great glee, 'you'll look out
for the bird, and leave it to me to find the cage.'
"'It's a bargain, my lady,' said Alexander. 'My father and my
grandfather were millers here for many a long year before me; and to
tell the truth, I was reluctant to leave the old place.'
"In the course of the forenoon, the miller made an errand up the burn to
the 'Whins,' for some empty bags; and as we had already got an inkling
of what had passed between him and Lady Menzies, I sent Janet to the
barn to help him look them out. When Janet returned, I saw she was a
little flurried, and looked as if there was something she wished to say.
In a little while--'Ma'am,' says she to me, 'I'm no' to stop after
Martinmas.'
"'No, Janet?' says I. 'I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure I've no fault to
find with you, and you have been a long time with us.'
"'I'm not going far away,' said Janet, with some pride; 'the bairns will
aye get a handful of groats when they come to see us!'
"So you see, Mr. M'Lauchlin, what a change this census paper of yours
has brought about."
"Ay, ay, good wife," said Whinny Knowes, laughing; "Although you have
lost a good servant, you must admit that I've managed to keep the
miller."
=Qualifications for a Chief=
When Glengarry claimed the chieftainship of the Macdonald clan, the
generally acknowledged chief wrote to him as follows: "My dear
Glengarry: As soon as you can prove yourself my chief I shall be ready
to acknowledge you. In the meantime, I am, _Yours_, Macdonald."
=A Beadle Magnifying His Office=
The story of Watty Tinlin, the half-crazy beadle of Hawick parish,
illustrates the license which was, on certain occasions, supposed to be
due to his office. One day Wat got so tired of listening to the long
sermon of a strange minister, that he went outside the church, and
wandering in the direction of the river Teviot, saw the worshipers from
the adjoining parish of Wilton crossing the bridge on their way home.
Returning to the church and finding the preacher still thundering away,
he shouted out, to the astonishment and relief of the exhausted
congregation: "Say, amen, sir; say amen! Wulton's kirk's comin ower
Teviot Brig!"
=No Wonder!=
The Lord Provost of a certain well-known city in the north had a
daughter married to a gentleman of the name of Baird; and speaking of
names of several friends, he happened to remark: "My grandmother was a
Huisband, and my mother a Man," these having been the maiden names of
the ladies.
"Why, in that case," said the celebrated Dr. Gregory, who happened to be
present, "we may the less wonder at your daughter having got a Baird."
=Virtuous Necessity=
Robbie Fairgrieve was sexton as well as kirk-beadle in a Roxburghshire
parish, and despite the solemn duties attaching to his vocation, was on
the whole a genial man, about equally fond of a joke and a good dram. In
fact, Robbie was affected with a chronic "spark in his throat" which was
ill to quench, and was, indeed, never fairly extinguished during the
fifty years he officiated as kirk-beadle and sexton. One day, the
minister of the parish met Robbie coming home from a visit to Jedburgh
fair much sooner than was expected, he (Robbie) having found the fair
painfully _dry_, in the sense of an unprecedented absence of friendly
drams. Curious to know the cause of the beadle's quick return, the
minister inquired as to the reason of such correct conduct, since most
of his fellow-parishioners would likely stay out the fair.
"Oh, sir," said Robbie, "huz yins (us ones) wha are 'sponsible
kirk-officers" (alluding to the minister and himself), "should aye
strive to be guid ensamples to the riff-raff o' the flock."
=Strangers--"Unawares"--Not always Angels=
Dr. Ferguson's first residence in Peebleshire was at Neidpath Castle,
which was then just about to fall into its present half-ruinous state.
On settling there, he told his family that it was his desire that any
respectable people in the neighborhood who called should be received
with the utmost civility, so that they might remain on pleasant terms
with all around. Ere many days had elapsed, a neatly-dressed,
gentleman-like little man was shown into Dr. Ferguson's own room, and
entered easily into miscellaneous conversation. The bell for their early
family-dinner ringing at the time, the courteous professor invited his
visitor to join the family in the dining-room, which he readily
consented to do. The family, remembering their father's injunction, of
course received the unknown with all possible distinction, and a very
lively conversation ensued. Dr. Ferguson, however, expressed his concern
to see that his guest was eating very little--indeed, only making an
appearance of eating--and he confessed his regret that he had so little
variety of fare to offer him.
"Oh, doctor," said the stranger, "never mind me: the fact is, on
_killing days_ I scarcely ever have any appetite."
Not small was the surprise, but much greater the amusement of the
family, on discovering that he of the stingy appetite was Robert Smith,
the Peebles butcher, and that the object of his visit was merely to
bespeak Dr. Ferguson's custom!
="Reflections"=
A young preacher was holding forth to a country congregation, with
rather more show than substance; after discussing certain heads in his
way, he informed his audience that he would conclude with a few
reflections.
An old man, who seemed not greatly gratified, gave a significant shrug
of his shoulders, and said in a low tone of voice, "Ye needna fash.
There'll be plenty o' reflections I'se warn ye, though ye dinna mak' ony
yersel'."
=An Observant Husband=
Willie Turnbull and his wife used to sup their evening meal of brose out
of one "cog," but the gudewife generally took care to place the lump of
butter at one side of the dish, which she carefully turned to her own
side of the table. One night, however, Mrs. Turnbull inadvertently
turned the "fat side" from her, and did not discover her error till she
was about to dip in her spoon. She could not, without exposing her
selfishness, actually turn the bowl round before her husband, but the
butter she must have, and in order to obtain it she resorted to
artifice.
"Willie," said she, as if seized with a sudden inspiration, "isn't this
a queer world? I'm tell't that it just turns round and round about, as I
micht take this bowl and turn it round this way," and she prepared to
suit the action to the word.
Willie, however, saw this at a glance, and promptly stopped the
practical illustration, saying, "Ay, ay, Maggie, the world's queer
enough, but you just let it stand still e'enow, and the brose bowl,
too!"
="Bulls" in Scotland=
Two operatives in one of the Border towns were heard disputing about a
new cemetery, beside the elegant railing of which they were standing.
One of them, evidently disliking the continental fashion in which it was
being laid out, said in disgust, "I'd rather dee than be buried in sic a
place!"
"Weel, it's the verra reverse wi' me," said the other, "for I'll be
buried naewhere else if I'm spared."
="Brothers" in Law=