The Cabinet being assembled in September, 1862, to consider the first
draft of the Emancipation Act, those not yet familiar with the
chairman's habit to supply a whet before the main dish, were startled
that he should preface the business by reading the New York
paper--_Vanity Fair_--continuing the series of "Artemus Ward's" tour
with his show. This paper was the "High-handed Outrage at Utica." He
laughed his fill over it, while the grave signiors frowned and yet
struggled to keep their countenances.
If they had more experience, they would have heard him read "Josh
Billings," particularly "On the Mule," from the New York _Weekly_
columns. It was as "good as a play," the stenographers said, to see the
President dart a glance over his spectacle-rims at some demure
counselor whose molelike machinations were more than suspected, and
with mock solemnity declaim:
"'I hev known a mewl to be good for six months jest ter git a chance to
kick his owner!'" In allusion to those remarkable feats of arms
and--legs--Early's or Stuart's raids and Jackson's forced rapid
marches, almost at horse-speed, when the men carried no rations, but
ate corn-ears taken from the shucks and roasted them "at their pipes,"
the droll ruler would bring in that "mewl" again:
"'If you want to find a mewl in a lot, you must turn him into the one
next to it.'"
Only the rebel "fly-by-nights" were more like the Irishman's
flea--"when you put your hand on him, he was not there!"
* * * * *
"MATCHING" STORIES.
The President looking in at the telegraph-room in the White House,
happened to find Major Eckert in. He saw he was counting greenbacks. So
he said jokingly:
"I believe you never come to business now but to handle money!"
The officer pleaded that it was a mere coincidence, and instanced a
story in point:
"A certain tailor in Mansfield, Ohio, was very stylish in dress and
airy in manner. Passing a storekeeper's door one day, the latter puffed
himself up and emitted a long blow, expressive of the inflation to
oozing-point of the conceited tailor, who indignantly turned and said:
'I will teach you to blow when I am passing!' to which the storekeeper
replied: 'And I'll teach you not to pass when I am blowing!'"
"Very good!" returned the hearer. "That is very like a story _I_ heard
of a man driving about the country in an open buggy, caught at night by
a pouring rain. Passing a farmhouse, a man, apparently struggling with
the effects of whisky, thrust his head out of a window, and shouted
loudly:
"'Hello!'
"The traveler stopped for all of his hurry for shelter and asked what
was wanted.
"'Nothing of you!' was the blunt reply.
"'Well, what in the infernals are you shouting 'Hello' for when people
are passing?' angrily asked the traveler.
"'Well, what in the infernals are you passing for when people are
shouting hello?'"