HAVING now given you full and sufficient instructions for making you
well received in the best companies; nothing remains but that I lay
before you some few rules for your conduct in such company. Many things
on this subject I have mentioned before, but some few matters remain to
be mentioned now.
1. TALK, then, frequently but not long together, lest you tire the
persons you are speaking to; for few persons talk so well upon a
subject, as to keep up the attention of their hearers for any length of
time.
2. AVOID telling stories in company, unless they are very short indeed,
and very applicable to the subject you are upon; in this case relate
them in as few words as possible, without the least digression, and with
some apology; as that you hate the telling of stories, but the shortness
of it induced you. And, if your story has any wit in it, be particularly
careful not to laugh at it yourself. Nothing is more tiresome and
disagreeable than a long tedious narrative; it betrays a gossiping
disposition, and great want of imagination; and nothing is more
ridiculous than to express an approbation of your own story, by a laugh.
3. IN relating any thing, keep clear of repetitions, or very hackneyed
expressions, such as, _says he_, or _says she_. Some people will use
these so often, as to take off the hearer’s attention from the story;
as, in an organ out of tune, one pipe shall perhaps sound the whole time
we are playing, and confuse the piece, so as not to be understood.
4. DIGRESSIONS, likewise, should be guarded against. A story is always
more agreeable without them. Of this kind are, ‘_the gentleman I am
telling you of, is the son of Sir Thomas,—who lives in Harley street;
you must know him—his brother had a horse that won the sweep stakes at
the last Newmarket meeting—Zounds! if you don’t know him you know
nothing._’ Or, ‘_He was an upright tall old gentleman, who wore his own
long hair: don’t you recollect him?_’ All this is unnecessary; is very
tiresome and provoking, and would be an excuse for a man’s behaviour, if
he was to leave us in the midst of our narrative.
5. SOME people have a trick of holding the persons they are speaking to
by the button, or the hand, in order to be heard out; conscious, I
suppose, that their tale is tiresome. Pray, never do this; if the person
you speak to is not as willing to hear your story, as you are to tell
it, you had much better break off in the middle; for if you tire them
once, they will be afraid to listen to you a second time.
6. OTHERS have a way of punching the person they are talking to, in the
side, and at the end of every sentence, asking him some such questions
as the following: ‘Wasn’t I right in that?’—‘You know, I told you
so?’—‘What’s your opinion?’ and the like; or perhaps they will be
thrusting him, or jogging him with their elbow. For mercy’s sake, never
give way to this; it will make your company dreaded.
7. LONG talkers are frequently apt to single out some unfortunate man
present, generally the most silent one of the company, or probably him
who sits next to him. To this man, in a kind of half-whisper they will
run on for half an hour together. Nothing can be more ill-bred. But if
one of these unmerciful talkers should attack you, if you wish to oblige
him, I would recommend the hearing him with patience: Seem to do so at
least, for you could not hurt him more than to leave him in the middle
of his story, or discover any impatience in the course of it.
8. INCESSANT talkers are very disagreeable companions. Nothing can be
more rude than to engross the conversation to yourself, or to take the
words as it were, out of another man’s mouth. Every man in company has
an equal claim to bear his part in the conversation, and to deprive him
of it, is not only unjust, but a tacit declaration that he cannot speak
so well upon the subject as yourself; you will therefore take it up:
And, what can be more rude? I would as soon forgive a man that should
stop my mouth when I was gaping, as take my words from me while I was
speaking them. Now, if this be unpardonable, it cannot be less so
9. TO help out or forestal the slow speaker, as if you alone were rich
in expressions, and he were poor. You may take it for granted, every one
is vain enough to think he can talk well, though he may modestly deny
it; helping a person therefore out in his expressions, is a correction
that will stamp the corrector with impudence and ill manners.
10. THOSE who contradict others upon all occasions, and make every
assertion a matter of dispute, betray by this behaviour an
unacquaintance with good-breeding. He therefore who wishes to appear
amiable, with those he converses with, will be cautious of such
expressions as these, ‘That can’t be true, Sir.’ ‘The affair is as I
say.’ ‘That must be false, Sir.’ ‘If what you say is true, &c.’ You may
as well tell a man he lies at once, as thus indirectly impeach his
veracity. It is equally as rude to be proving every trifling assertion
with a bet or a wager. ‘I’ll bet you fifty of it, and so on.’ Make it
then a constant rule, in matters of no great importance, complaisantly
to submit your opinion to that of others; for a victory of this kind
often costs a man the loss of a friend.
11. GIVING advice unasked, is another piece of rudeness; it is, in
effect, declaring ourselves wiser than those to whom we give it;
reproaching them with ignorance and inexperience. It is a freedom that
ought not to be taken with any common acquaintance, and yet there are
those, who will be offended, if their advice is not taken. ‘Such-a-one,’
say they, ‘is above being advised.’ ‘He scorns to listen to my advice;’
as if it were not a mark of greater arrogance to expect every one to
submit to their opinion, than for a man sometimes to follow his own.
12. THERE is nothing so unpardonably rude as a seeming inattention to
the person who is speaking to you; though you may meet with it in
others, by all means, avoid it yourself. Some ill-bred people, while
others are speaking to them, will, instead of looking at, or attending
to them, perhaps fix their eyes on the ceiling, or some picture in the
room, look out of a window, play with a dog, their watch chain, or their
cane, or probably pick their nails or their noses. Nothing betrays a
more trifling mind than this; nor can any thing be a greater affront to
the person speaking; it being a tacit declaration, that what he is
saying is not worth your attention. Consider with yourself how you would
like such treatment, and, I am persuaded you will never shew it to
others.
13. SURLINESS or moroseness is incompatible also with politeness. Such
as, should any one say ‘he was desired to present Mr. Such-a-one’s
respects to you,’ to reply, ‘What the devil have I to do with his
respects?’ ‘My Lord enquired after you lately, and asked how you did,’
to answer, ‘If he wishes to know, let him come and feel my pulse;’ and
the like. A good deal of this often is affected; but whether affected or
natural, it is always offensive. A man of this stamp will occasionally
be laughed at, as an oddity; but in the end will be despised.
14. I SHOULD suppose it unnecessary to advise you to adapt your
conversation to the company you are in. You would not surely start the
same subject, and discourse of it in the same manner with the old and
with the young, with an officer, a clergyman, a philosopher, and a
woman. No; your good sense will undoubtedly teach you to be serious with
the serious, gay with the gay, and to trifle with the triflers.
15. THERE are certain expressions which are exceedingly rude, and yet
there are people of liberal education that sometimes use them; as ‘You
don’t understand me, Sir,’ ‘It is not so.’ ‘You mistake.’ ‘You know
nothing of the matter, &c.’ Is it not better to say? ‘I believe, I do
not express myself so as to be understood.’ ‘Let us consider it again,
whether we take it right or not.’ It is much more polite and amiable to
make some excuse for another, even in cases where he might justly be
blamed, and to represent the mistake as common to both, rather than
charge him with insensibility or incomprehension.
16. IF anyone should have promised you any thing, and not have fulfilled
that promise, it would be very unpolite to tell him, he has forfeited
his word; or if the same person should have disappointed you, upon any
occasion, would it not be better to say, ‘You were probably so much
engaged, that you forgot my affair;’ or, ‘Perhaps it slipped your
memory;’ rather than, ‘You thought no more about it,’ or ‘you pay very
little regard to your word.’ For, expressions of this kind leave a sting
behind them. They are a kind of provocation and affront, and very often
bring on lasting quarrels.
17. BE careful not to appear dark and mysterious, lest you should be
thought suspicious; than which there cannot be a more unamiable
character. If you appear mysterious and reserved, others will be truly
so with you; and in this case there is an end to improvement, for you
will gather no information. Be reserved, but never seem so.
18. THERE is a fault extremely common with some people, which I would
have _you_ to avoid. When their opinion is asked, upon any subject, they
will give it with so apparent a diffidence and timidity, that one
cannot, without the utmost pain, listen to them; especially if they are
known to be men of universal knowledge. ‘Your Lordship will pardon me,’
says one of this stamp, ‘if I should not be able to speak to the case in
hand, so well as it might be wished.’—‘I’ll venture to speak of this
matter to the best of my poor abilities and dulness of apprehension.’—‘I
fear I shall expose myself, but in obedience to your Lordship’s
commands’—and while they are making these apologies, they interrupt the
business and tire the company.
19. ALWAYS look people in the face, when you speak to them, otherwise
you will be thought conscious of some guilt, besides, you lose the
opportunity of reading their countenances, from which you will much
better learn the impression your discourse makes upon them than you can
possibly do from their words; for words are at the will of every one,
but the countenance is frequently involuntary.
20. IF in speaking to a person, you are not heard, and should be desired
to repeat what you said, do not raise your voice in the repetition, lest
you should be thought angry, on being obliged to repeat what you said
before; it was probably owing to the hearer’s inattention.
21. ONE word only, as to swearing. Those who addict themselves to it,
and interlard their discourse with oaths, can never be considered as
gentlemen; they are generally people of low education, and are unwelcome
in what is called good company. It is a vice that has no temptation to
plead, but is, in every respect, as vulgar as it is wicked.
22. NEVER accustom yourself to scandal, nor listen to it; for though it
may gratify the malevolence of some people, nine times out of ten, it is
attended with great disadvantages. The very persons you tell it to,
will, on reflection, entertain a mean opinion of you, and it will often
bring you into very disagreeable situations. And as there would be no
evil speakers, if there were no evil hearers, it is in scandal as in
robbery; the receiver is as bad as the thief. Besides, it will lead
people to shun your company, supposing that you will speak ill of them
to the next acquaintance you meet.
23. MIMICKRY, the favourite amusement of little minds, has been ever the
contempt of great ones. Never give way to it yourself, nor ever
encourage it in others; it is the most illiberal of all buffoonery; it
is an insult on the person you mimick; and insults, I have often told
you, are seldom forgiven.
24. CAREFULLY avoid talking either of your own or other people’s
domestic concerns. By doing the one, you will be thought vain; by
entering into the other, you will be considered as officious. Talking of
yourself is an impertinence to the company; your affairs are nothing to
them; besides they cannot be kept too secret. And as to the affairs of
others, what are they to you? In talking of matters that no way concern
you, you are liable to commit blunders, and should you touch any one in
a sore part, you may possibly lose his esteem. Let your conversation,
then, in mixed companies, always be general.
25. JOKES, bon-mots, or the little pleasantries of one company, will not
often bear to be told in another; they are frequently local, and take
their rise from certain circumstances, a second company may not be
acquainted with; these circumstances, and of course your story, may be
misunderstood, or want explaining; and if after you have prefaced it
with,—‘I will tell you a good thing;’—the sting should not be
immediately perceived, you will appear exceedingly ridiculous, and wish
you had not told it. Never then without caution repeat in one place,
what you hear in another.
26. IN most debates, take up the favourable side of the question;
however, let me caution you against being clamorous, that is, never
maintain an argument with heat, though you know yourself right; but
offer your sentiments modestly and coolly, and if this does not prevail,
give it up, and try to change the subject by saying something to this
effect—‘I find we shall hardly convince one another, neither is there
any necessity to attempt it; so let us talk of something else.’
27. NOT that I would have you give up your opinion always; no, assert
your own sentiments, and oppose those of others, when wrong; but let
your manner and voice be gentle and engaging, and yet no ways affected.
If you contradict, do it with, ‘I may be wrong, I won’t be positive, but
I really think—I should rather suppose—If I may be permitted to say,’
and close your dispute with good humour, to shew that you are neither
displeased yourself nor meant to displease the person you dispute with.
28. ACQUAINT yourself with the character and situations of the company
you go into, before you give a loose to your tongue; for, should you
enlarge on some virtue, which any one present may notoriously want; or
should you condemn some vice, which any of the company may be
particularly addicted to, they will be apt to think your reflections
pointed and personal, and you will be sure to give offence. This
consideration will naturally lead you, not to suppose things said in
general, to be leveled at you.
29. LOW-BRED people, when they happen occasionally to be in good
company, imagine themselves to be the subject of every separate
conversation. If any part of the company whisper, it is about them; if
they laugh, it is at them; and if any thing is said which they do not
comprehend, they immediately suppose it is meant of them. This mistake
is admirably ridiculed in one of our celebrated comedies, ‘I am sure,’
says Scrub, ‘they were talking of me, for they laughed consumedly.’ Now,
a well-bred person never thinks himself disesteemed by the company, or
laughed at, unless their reflections are so gross, that he cannot be
supposed to mistake them, and his honour obliges him to resent it in a
proper manner; however, be assured, gentlemen never laugh at, or
ridicule one another, unless they are in joke, or on a footing of the
greatest intimacy. If such a thing should happen once in an age, from
some pert coxcomb, or some flippant woman, it is better to seem not to
know it, than to make the least reply.
30. IT is a piece of politeness not to interrupt a person in a story,
whether you have heard it before or not. Nay, if a well-bred man is
asked whether he has heard it; he will answer no, and let the person go
on, though he knows it already. Some are fond of telling a story,
because they think they tell it well, others pride themselves in being
the first teller of it, and others are pleased at being thought
entrusted with it. Now, all these persons you would disappoint by
answering yes. And, as I have told you before, as the greatest proof of
politeness is to make every body happy about you, I would never deprive
a person of any secret satisfaction of this sort, in which I could
gratify him by a minute’s attention.
31. BE not ashamed of asking questions, if such questions lead to
information; always accompany them with some excuse, and you never will
be reckoned impertinent. But abrupt questions, without some apology, by
all means avoid, as they imply design. There is a way of fishing for
facts, which, if done judiciously, will answer every purpose, such as,
taking things you wish to know for granted; this will perhaps lead some
officious person to set you right. So again, by saying, you have heard
so and so, and sometimes seeming to know more than you do, you will
often get at information, which you would lose by direct questions, as
these would put people on their guard, and frequently defeat the very
end you aim at.
32. MAKE it a rule never to reflect on any body of people, for,
reflections of this nature create many enemies. There are good and bad
of all professions; lawyers, soldiers, parsons, or citizens. They are
all men, subject to the same passions, differing only in their manner,
according to the way they have been bred up in. For this reason, it is
unjust, as well as indiscreet, to attack them as a CORPS collectively.
Many a young man has thought himself extremely clever in abusing the
clergy. What are the clergy more than other men? Can you suppose a black
gown can make any alteration in his nature? Fie, fie; think seriously,
and I am convinced you will never do it.
33. BUT above all, let no example, no fashion, no witticism, no foolish
desire of rising above what knaves call prejudices, tempt you to excuse,
extenuate or ridicule the least breach of morality; but upon every
occasion, shew the greatest abhorrence of such proceedings, and hold
virtue and religion in the highest veneration.
34. IT is a great piece of ill-manners to interrupt any one while
speaking, by speaking yourself, or calling off the attention of the
company to any foreign matter. But this every child knows.
35. THE last thing I shall mention is that of concealing your learning,
except on particular occasions. Reserve this for learned men, and let
them rather extort it from you, than you be too willing to display it.
Hence you will be thought modest, and to have more knowledge than you
really have. Never seem wise or more learned than the company you are
in. He who affects to shew his learning, will be frequently questioned;
and if found superficial, will be sneered at; if otherwise, he will be
deemed a pedant. Real merit will always shew itself, and nothing can
lessen it in the opinion of the world, but a man’s exhibiting it
himself.
FOR God’s sake, revolve all these things seriously in your mind, before
you go abroad into life. Recollect the observations you have yourself
occasionally made upon men and things, compare them with my
instructions, and act wisely, and consequently, as they shall teach you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A
FATHER’S LEGACY
TO
HIS DAUGHTERS.