THERE is a certain dignity of manners, without which the very best
characters will not be valued.
ROMPING, loud and frequent laughing, punning, joking, mimickry, waggery,
and too great and indiscriminate familiarity, will render any one
contemptible, in spite of all his knowledge or his merit. These may
constitute a merry fellow, but a merry fellow was never yet respectable.
Indiscriminate familiarity, will either offend your superiors, or make
you pass for their dependant, or toad-eater, and it will put your
inferiors on a degree of equality with you, that may be troublesome.
A JOKE, if it carries a sting along with it, is no longer a joke but an
affront; and even if it has no sting, unless its witticism is delicate
and facetious, instead of giving pleasure, it will disgust; or, if the
company _should_ laugh, they will probably laugh at the jester rather
than the jest.
PUNNING is a mere playing upon words, and far from being a mark of
sense: Thus, were we to say, such a dress is _commodious_, one of these
wags would answer _odious_; or, that, whatever it has been, it is now be
_commodious_. Others will give us an answer different from what we
should expect, without either wit, or the least beauty of thought; as,
‘_Where’s my Lord?_’—‘_In his clothes, unless he is in bed._’—‘_How does
this wine taste?_’—‘_A little moist, I think._’—‘_How is this to be
eaten?_’—‘_With your mouth_;’ and so on, all which (you will readily
apprehend) are low and vulgar. If your witticisms are not instantly
approved by the laugh of the company, for heaven’s sake, don’t attempt
to be witty for the future; for you may take it for granted, the defect
is in yourself, and not in your hearers.
AS to a mimick or a wag, he is little else than a buffoon, who will
distort his mouth and his eyes to make people laugh. Be assured, no one
person ever demeaned himself to please the rest, unless he wished to be
thought the Merry-Andrew of the company, and whether this character is
respectable, I will leave you to judge.
IF a man’s company is coveted on any other account than his knowledge,
his good sense, or his manners, he is seldom respected by those who
invite him, but made use of only to entertain. ‘Let’s have such-a-one,
for he sings a good song, or he is always joking or laughing;’ or ‘Let’s
send for such-a-one, for he is a good bottle companion;’ these are
degrading distinctions, that preclude all respect and esteem. Whoever is
had (as the phrase is) for the sake of any qualification singly, is
merely that thing he is had for, is never considered in any other light,
and, of course, never properly respected, let his intrinsic merits be
what they will.
YOU may possibly suppose this dignity of manners to border upon pride;
but it differs as much from pride, as true courage from blustering.
TO flatter a person right or wrong, is abject flattery, and to consent
readily to do every thing proposed by a company, be it silly or
criminal, is full as degrading, as to dispute warmly upon every subject,
and to contradict upon all occasions. To preserve dignity, we should
modestly assert our own sentiments, though we politely acquiesce in
those of others.
SO again, to support dignity of character, we should neither be
frivolously curious about trifles, nor be laboriously intent upon little
objects that deserve not a moment’s attention; for this implies an
incapacity in matters of greater importance.
A GREAT deal likewise depends upon our air, address and expressions; an
awkward address and vulgar expressions infer either a low turn of mind,
or low education.
INSOLENT contempt, or low envy, is incompatible also with dignity of
manners. Low-bred persons, fortunately lifted in the world in fine
clothes and fine equipages, will insolently look down on all those who
cannot afford to make as good an appearance, and they openly envy those
who perhaps make a better. They also dread the being slighted; of
course, are suspicious and captious; are uneasy themselves, and make
every body else so about them.
A CERTAIN degree of outward seriousness in looks and actions gives
dignity, while a constant smirk upon the face (that insipid silly smile,
which fools have when they would be civil) and whiffling motions, are
strong marks of futility.
BUT above all a dignity of character is to be acquired best by a certain
firmness in all our actions. A mean, timid and passive complaisance,
lets a man down more than he is aware of; but still his firmness and
resolution should not extend to brutality, but be accompanied with a
peculiar and engaging softness, or mildness.
IF you discover any hastiness in your temper, and find it apt to break
out into rough and unguarded expressions, watch it narrowly, and
endeavour to curb it; but let no complaisance, no weak desire of
pleasing, no wheedling, urge you to do that which discretion forbids;
but persist and persevere in all that is right. In your connexions and
friendships, you will find this rule of use to you. Invite and preserve
attachments by your firmness; but labour to keep clear of enemies by a
mildness of behaviour. Disarm those enemies you may unfortunately have
(and few are without them) by a gentleness of manner, but make them feel
the steadiness of your just resentment! For there is a wide difference
between bearing malice and a determined self-defence; the one is
imperious, but the other is prudent and justifiable.
IN directing your servants, or any person you have a right to command;
if you deliver your orders mildly, and in that engaging manner which
every gentleman should study to do, you would be cheerfully, and
consequently, well obeyed; but if tyrannically, you would be very
unwillingly served, if served at all. A cool, steady determination
should shew that you will be obeyed, but a gentleness in the manner of
enforcing that obedience should make your service a cheerful one. Thus
will you be loved without being despised, and feared without being
hated.
I HOPE I need not mention vices. A man who has patiently been kicked out
of company, may have as good a pretence to courage, as one rendered
infamous by his vices, may to dignity of any kind; however, of such
consequence are appearances, that an outward decency and an affected
dignity of manners will even keep such a man the longer from sinking. If
therefore you should unfortunately have no intrinsic merit of your own,
keep up, if possible, the appearance of it; and the world will possibly
give you credit for the rest. A versatility of manners is as necessary
in social life, as a versatility of parts in political. This is no way
blamable, if not used with an ill design. We must, like the cameleon,
often put on the hue of persons we wish to be well with; and it surely
can never be blamable, to endeavour to gain the good will or affection
of any one, if when obtained, we do not mean to abuse it.