I HAVE had reason to observe before, that various little matters,
apparently trifling in themselves, conspire to form the _whole_ of
pleasing, as, in a well finished portrait, a variety of colours combine
to compleat the piece. It not being necessary to dwell much upon them, I
shall content myself, with just mentioning them as they occur.
1. TO do the honors of a table gracefully, is one of the outlines of a
well-bred man; and to carve well, is an article, little as it may seem,
that is useful twice every day, and the doing of which ill, is not only
troublesome to one’s self, but renders us disagreeable and ridiculous to
others. We are always in pain for a man, who instead of cutting up a
fowl genteely, is hacking for half an hour across the bone, greasing
himself, and bespattering the company with the sauce. Use, with a little
attention, is all that is requisite to acquit yourself well in this
particular.
2. TO be well received, you must, also, pay some attention to your
behaviour at table, where it is exceedingly rude to scratch any part of
your body, to spit, or blow your nose, if you can possibly avoid it, to
eat greedily, to lean your elbows on the table, to pick your teeth
before the dishes are removed, or to leave the table before grace is
said.
3. DRINKING of healths is now growing out of fashion, and is very
unpolite in good company. Custom had once made it universal, but the
improved manners of the age now render it vulgar. What can be more rude
or ridiculous than to interrupt persons at their meals, with an
unnecessary compliment? Abstain then from this silly custom, where you
find it out of use; and use it only at those tables where it continues
general.
4. “A POLITE” manner of refusing to comply with the solicitations of a
company, is also very necessary to be learnt; for, a young man, who
seems to have no will of his own, but does every thing that is asked of
him, may be a very good natured fellow, but he is a very silly one. If
you are invited to drink at any man’s house, more than you think is
wholesome, you may say, ‘you wish you could, but that so little makes
you both drunk and sick, that you should only be bad company by doing
it; of course beg to be excused.’ If desired to play at cards deeper
than you would, refuse it ludicrously; tell them, ‘if you were sure to
lose, you might possibly sit down; but that, as fortune may be
favourable, you dread the thought of having too much money, ever since
you found what an incumbrance it was to poor Harlequin, and therefore
you are resolved never to put yourself in the way of winning more than
such or such a sum a day.’ This light way of declining invitations, to
vice and folly, is more becoming a young man than philosophical or
sententious refusals, which would only be laughed at.
5. NOW I am on the subject of cards, I must not omit mentioning the
necessity of playing them well and genteely, if you would be thought to
have kept good company. I would by no means recommend playing of cards
as a part of your study, lest you should grow too fond of it, and the
consequences prove bad. It were better not to know a diamond from a
club, than to become a gambler; but as custom has introduced innocent
card-playing at most friendly meetings, it marks the gentleman to handle
them genteely, and play them well; and as I hope you will play only for
small sums, should you lose your money, pray lose it with temper; or
win, receive your winnings without either elation or greediness.
6. TO write well and correct, and in a pleasing stile, is another part
of polite education. Every man who has the use of his eyes and his right
hand, can write whatever hand he pleases. Nothing is so illiberal as a
school-boy’s scrawl. I would not have you learn a stiff formal
hand-writing, like that of a schoolmaster, but a genteel, legible and
liberal hand, and to be able to write quick. As to the correctness and
elegancy of your writing, attention to grammar does the one, and to the
best authors, the other. Epistolary correspondence should not be carried
on in a studied or affected style, but the language should flow from the
pen, as naturally and as easily as it would from the mouth. In short, a
letter should be penned in the same style, as you would talk to your
friend, if he were present.
7. IF writing well shews the gentleman, much more so does spelling well.
It is essentially necessary for a gentleman, or a man of letters; one
false spelling may fix a ridicule on him for the remainder of his life.
Words in books are generally well spelled, according to the orthography
of the age; reading therefore, with attention, will teach every one to
spell right. It sometimes happens that words are spelled differently by
different authors; but if you spell them upon the authority of one, in
estimation of the public, you will escape ridicule. Where there is but
one way of spelling a word, by your spelling it wrong, you will be sure
to be laughed at. For a _woman_ of a tolerable education would laugh at
and despise her lover, if he wrote to her, and the words were ill
spelled. Be particularly attentive then to your spelling.
8. THERE is nothing that a young man, at his first appearance in life,
ought more to dread, than having any ridicule fixed on him. In the
estimation even of the most rational men, it will lessen him, but ruin
him with all the rest. Many have been undone by a ridiculous nick-name.
The causes of nick-names among well-bred men, are generally the little
defects in manner, air, or address. To have the appellation of ill-bred,
awkward, muttering, left-legged, or any other, tacked always to your
name, would injure you more than you are aware of. Avoid then these
little defects (and they are easily avoided) and you need never fear a
nick-name.
9. SOME young men are apt to think, that they cannot be complete
gentlemen, without becoming men of pleasure; and the rake they often
mistake for the man of pleasure. A rake is made up of the meanest and
most disgraceful vices. They all combine to degrade his character, and
ruin his health and fortune. A man of pleasure will refine upon the
enjoyments of the age, attend them with decency, and partake of them
becomingly. Indeed, he is too often less scrupulous than he should be,
and frequently has cause to repent it. A man of pleasure, at best, is
but a dissipated being, and what the rational part of mankind must
abhor; I mention it, however, lest in taking up the man of pleasure, you
should fall into the rake; for of two evils, always chuse the least. A
dissolute, flagitious footman may make as good a rake as a man of the
first quality. Few men can be men of pleasure; every man may be a rake.
There is a certain dignity that should be preserved in all our
pleasures: In love, a man may lose his heart, without losing his nose;
at table, a man may have a distinguishing palate, without being a
glutton; he may love wine, without being a drunkard; he may game,
without being a gambler; and so on. Every virtue has its kindred vice,
and every pleasure its neighbouring disgrace. Temperance and moderation
mark the gentleman; but excess the blackguard. Attend carefully, then,
to the line that divides them; and remember, stop rather a yard short,
than step an inch beyond it. Weigh the present enjoyment of your
pleasures against the necessary consequences of them, and I will leave
you to your own determination.
10. A GENTLEMAN has ever some regard also to the _choice_ of his
amusements; if at cards, he will not be seen at cribbage, all-fours, or
put; or, in sports of exercise, at skittles, foot-ball, leap-frog,
cricket, driving of coaches, &c. but will preserve a propriety in every
part of his conduct; knowing that any imitation of the manners of the
mob, will unavoidably stamp him with vulgarity. There is another
amusement too, which I cannot help calling illiberal, that is, playing
upon any musical instrument. Music is commonly reckoned one of the
liberal arts, and undoubtedly is so; but to be piping or fiddling at a
concert is degrading to a man of fashion. If you love music, hear it;
pay fiddlers to play to you, but never fiddle yourself. It makes a
gentleman appear frivolous and contemptible, leads him frequently into
bad company, and wastes that time which might otherwise be well
employed.
11. SECRECY is another characteristic of good-breeding. Be careful never
to tell in one company what you see or hear in another; much less to
divert the present company at the expense of the last. Things apparently
indifferent may, when often repeated and told abroad, have much more
serious consequences than imagined. In conversation, there is generally
a tacit reliance, that what is said will not be repeated; and a man,
though not enjoined to secrecy, will be excluded company, if found to be
a tatler; besides, he will draw himself into a thousand scrapes, and
every one will be afraid to speak before him.
12. PULLING out your watch in company unasked, either at home or abroad,
is a mark of ill-breeding; if at home, it appears as if you were tired
of your company, and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours
dragged heavily, and wished to be gone yourself. If you want to know the
time, withdraw; besides, as the taking what is called French leave was
introduced, that on one person’s leaving the company the rest might not
be disturbed, looking at your watch does what that piece of politeness
was designed to prevent; it is a kind of dictating to all present, and
telling them it is time, or almost time to break up.
13. AMONG other things, let me caution you against ever being in a
hurry; a man of sense may be in haste, but he is never in a hurry;
convinced that hurry is the surest way to make him do what he undertakes
ill. To be in a hurry is a proof that the business we embark in is too
great for us; of course it is the mark of little minds, that are puzzled
and perplexed, when they should be cool and deliberate; they want to do
every thing at once, and therefore do nothing. Be steady, then, in all
your engagements; look round you, before you begin; and remember that
you had better do half of them well, and leave the rest undone, than to
do the whole indifferently.
14. FROM a kind of false modesty, most young men are apt to consider
familiarity as unbecoming. Forwardness I allow is so; but there is a
decent familiarity that is necessary in the course of life. Mere formal
visits, upon formal invitations, are not the thing; they create no
connexion, nor will they prove of service to you; it is the careless and
easy ingress and egress, at all hours, that secures an acquaintance to
our interest; and this is acquired by a respectful familiarity entered
into, without forfeiting your consequence.
15. IN acquiring new acquaintance, be careful not to neglect your old,
for a slight of this kind is seldom forgiven. If you cannot be with your
former acquaintance, so often as you used to be, while you had no
others, take care not to give them cause to think you neglect them; call
upon them frequently, though you cannot stay long with them; tell them
you are sorry to leave them so soon, and nothing should take you away
but certain engagements which good manners oblige you to attend to; for
it will be your interest to make all the friends you can, and as few
enemies as possible. By friends, I would not be understood to mean
confidential ones; but persons who speak of you respectfully, and who,
consistent with their own interest, would wish to be of service to you,
and would rather do you good than harm.
16. ANOTHER thing I must recommend to you, as characteristic of a polite
education, and of having kept good company, is a graceful manner of
conferring favours. The most obliging things may be done so awkwardly as
to offend, while the most disagreeable things may be done so agreeably
as to please.
17. A FEW more articles and then I have done; the first is on the
subject of vanity. It is the common failing of youth, and as such ought
to be carefully guarded against. The vanity I mean, is that which, if
given way to, stamps a man a coxcomb, a character he will find a
difficulty to get rid of, perhaps as long as he lives. Now this vanity
shews itself in a variety of shapes; one man shall pride himself in
taking the lead in all conversations, and peremptorily deciding upon
every subject; another, desirous of appearing successful among the
women, shall insinuate the encouragement he has met with, the conquests
he makes, and perhaps boasts of favours he never received; if he speaks
truth, he is ungenerous; if false, he is a villain; but whether true or
false, he defeats his own purposes, overthrows the reputation he wishes
to erect, and draws upon himself contempt in the room of respect. Some
men are vain enough to think they acquire consequence by alliance, or by
an acquaintance with persons of distinguished character or abilities;
hence they are eternally talking of their grand-father, Lord such-a-one;
their kinsman, Sir William such-a-one; or their intimate friend, Dr.
such-a-one, with whom perhaps, they are scarcely acquainted. If they are
ever found out (and that they are sure to be one time or another) they
become ridiculous and contemptible; but even admitting what they say to
be true, what then? A man’s intrinsic merit does not rise from an
ennobled alliance, or a reputable acquaintance. A rich man never
borrows. When angling for praise, modesty is the surest bait. If we
would wish to shine in any particular character, we must never affect
that character. An affectation of courage will make a man pass for a
bully; an affectation of wit, for a coxcomb; and an affectation of
sense, for a fool. Not that I would recommend bashfulness or timidity:
No; I would have every one know his own value, yet not discover that he
knows it, but leave his merit to be found out by others.
18. ANOTHER thing worth your attention is, if in company with an
inferior, not to let him feel his inferiority; if he discovers it
himself, without your endeavours, the fault is not yours, and he will
not blame you; but if you take pains to mortify him, or to make him feel
himself inferior to you in abilities, fortune, or rank, it is an insult
that will not readily be forgiven. In point of abilities, it would be
unjust, as they are out of his power; in point of rank or fortune, it is
ill-natured and ill-bred. This rule is never more necessary than at
table, where there cannot be a greater insult than to help an inferior
to a part he dislikes, or a part that may be worse than ordinary, and to
take the best to yourself. If you at any time invite an inferior to your
table, you put him, during the time he is there, upon an equality with
you; and it is an act of the highest rudeness to treat him in any
respect, slightingly. I would rather double my attention to such a
person, and treat him with additional respect, lest he should even
suppose himself neglected. There cannot be a greater savageness, or
cruelty, or any thing more degrading to a man of fashion than to put
upon or take unbecoming liberties with him, whose modesty, humility, or
respect, will not suffer him to retaliate. True politeness consists in
making every body happy about you; and as to mortify is to render
unhappy, it can be nothing but the worst of breeding. Make it a rule,
rather to flatter a person’s vanity than otherwise; make him, if
possible, more in love with himself, and you will be certain to gain his
esteem; never tell him any thing he may not like to hear, nor say things
that will put him out of countenance, but let it be your study on all
occasions to please; this will be making friends instead of enemies, and
be a mean of serving yourself in the end.
19. NEVER be witty, at the expense of any one present, nor gratify that
idle inclination which is too strong in most young men, I mean laughing
at, or ridiculing the weaknesses or infirmities of others, by way of
diverting the company, or displaying your own superiority. Most people
have their weaknesses, their peculiar likings and aversions. Some cannot
bear the sight of a cat; others the smell of cheese, and so on; were you
to laugh at these men for their antipathies, or by design or inattention
to bring them in their way, you could not insult them more. You may
possibly thus gain the laugh on your side, for the present, but it will
make the person, perhaps, at whose expense you are merry, your enemy
forever after; and even those who laugh with you, will on a little
reflection, fear you and probably despise you; whereas, to procure what
_one_ likes, and to remove what the _other_ hates, would shew them that
they were the objects of your attention, and possibly make them more
your friends than much greater services would have done. If you have
wit, use it to please but not to hurt. You may shine, but take care not
to scorch. In short, never seem to see the faults of others. Though
among the mass of men there are, doubtless, numbers of fools and knaves,
yet were we to tell every one we meet with, that we know them to be so,
we should be in perpetual war. I would detest the knave and pity the
fool, wherever I found him, but I would let neither of them know
unnecessarily that I did so; as I would not be industrious to make
myself enemies. As one must please others then, in order to be pleased
one’s self, consider what is agreeable to you, must be agreeable to
them, and conduct yourself accordingly.
20. WHISPERING in company is another act of ill-breeding: It seems to
insinuate either that the persons who we would not wish should hear, are
unworthy of our confidence, or it may lead them to suppose we are
speaking improperly of them; on both accounts, therefore, abstain from
it.
21. SO pulling out one letter after another and reading them in company,
or cutting and paring one’s nails, is unpolite and rude. It seems to
say, we are weary of the conversation, and are in want of some amusement
to pass away the time.
22. HUMMING a tune to ourselves, drumming with our fingers on the table,
making a noise with our feet, and such like, are all breaches of good
manners, and indications of our contempt for the persons present;
therefore they should not be indulged.
23. WALKING fast in the streets is a mark of vulgarity, implying hurry
of business; it may appear well in a mechanic or tradesman, but suits
ill with the character of a gentleman, or a man of fashion.
24. STARING at any person you meet full in the face, is an act also of
ill-breeding; it looks as if you saw something wonderful in his
appearance, and is therefore a tacit reprehension.
25. EATING quick, or very slow at meals, is characteristic of the
vulgar; the first infers poverty, that you have not had a good meal for
some time; the last, if abroad, that you dislike your entertainment; if
at home, that you are rude enough to set before your friends what you
cannot eat yourself. So again, eating your soup with your nose in the
plate is vulgar; it has the appearance of being used to hard work, and
of course an unsteady hand. If it be necessary then to avoid this, it is
much more so that of smelling your meat.
26. SMELLING to the meat while on the fork, before you put it in your
mouth. I have seen many an ill-bred fellow do this, and have been so
angry, that I could have kicked him from the table. If you dislike what
you have upon your plate, leave it; but on no account, by smelling to,
or examining it, charge your friend with putting unwholesome provisions
before you.
27. SPITTING on the carpet is a nasty practice, and shocking, in a man
of liberal education. Were this to become general, it would be as
necessary to change the carpets as the table-cloths; besides, it will
lead our acquaintance to suppose, that we have not been used to genteel
furniture; for this reason alone, if for no other, by all means avoid
it.
28. KEEP yourself free likewise from odd tricks or habits, such as
thrusting out your tongue continually, snapping your fingers, rubbing
your hands, sighing aloud, an affected shivering of your whole body,
gaping with a noise like a country-fellow that has been sleeping in a
hay-loft, or indeed with any noise, and many others, which I have
noticed before; these are imitations of the manners of the mob, and are
degrading to a gentleman.
A VERY little attention will get the better of all these ill-bred
habits, and be assured, you will find your account in it.