_Some abuses of Chyrurgions; the knavery of Tapsters, Hostlers and
Chamberlains, with a brief character of a drunken Host._
Having now attained to about twelve years of age, my uncle began to
instruct me somewhat in his art of Chyrurgery, intending when I had
attained some small perfection therein, to send me to Sea, although my
minde never stood that way, resolving not to be mue’d up in a wooden
Cage, where there was but some few inches distance continually betwixt
me and death. In this small tract of time that I was thus employed with
my Uncle, I found out much cuningness in his art whereby to gain money,
for if it were but a prickt finger, he would make a great matter of it,
and tell you what danger you had been in if you had staid but a minute
longer; instancing how such a one his Patient _by only cutting of a
Corn, and drawing blood, it turned to a Gangreen, which by bad handling
of unskilful Chyrurgions growing worse and worse, they were at last
inforced to send for him, who in a few days made him perfectly sound,
that otherwise_ (had he not come to him) _must inevitably have perisht_.
Now because monyed Customers were something rare, when they did come we
made both their bodies and purses smart for it; lengthening out the
healing of their wounds, the better to wire-draw their purses. Indeed we
were not so much beholding to the Wars, as we were to the Stews, unless
sometimes a Tavern quarrel brought us a Patient; but then what a brave
incitement we had to make him part with his mony, telling him he might
recover that and ten times more of his Adversary, that we would be
witness for him, and that if he had not met with a skilful Chyrurgion,
it would have cost him his life; when as perhaps it was but a little
scratch, his block-head being too hard for to receive any deep wound.
One story of a Patient I shall relate, not so much to show the rarity of
his cure, but the malice of a woman which occasioned his hurt.
The fellow by his profession was a Plaisterer, who had a most damnable
scold to his wife, that used to fetch him from the Ale-house with a
Horse-pox; one night coming home three quarters drunk, she acted the
part of _Zantippe_, and make the House to ring with her scolding; this
musick was so untunable in her husbands ears, that getting a Cudgel in
his hands, he fell to be labouring her as Sea-men do stock-fish, until
he made her to ask him forgiveness, and promise him never to scold so
again: Having thus as he thought got an absolute conquest over her
tongue, he went quietly to Bed, where he slept soundly, whilest she lay
awake studying of mischief. In the morning before he wak't she examind
his pockets for mony, the common tricks of a great many women; but found
nothing in them save only some lath-nails; these did she take and set
upright all about the Chamber, which done she gets a pail of water in
her hands, and calling aloud, commands him to rise, which he refused to
do, she throws the pail of water upon the Bed; this so vext him that
starting suddenly up, he went to run after her, when his naked feet
lighting upon the lath nails, he was forced to slacken his pace, being
so mortified with them, that for three quarters of a year afterwards he
lay under my Uncle’s hands.
But to return where I left. I had not been long at the Trade, when my
Uncle one day walking down to _Wapping_, provided me of a master to go
to Sea, which (as I told you before) I was fully resolved against, and
therefore very peremptorily I told him that I would not go, which so
incensed him that he vow’d that I should not stay any longer in his
house; I was the less troubled at his words because the day before I had
heard of a Tapster in an Inn not far off that wanted a Boy; thither
therefore went I and profferd my service unto him, which he as readily
accepted, and the same night was I entertained into the House, he having
heard the cause of my departure from my Uncle, for which he rather
blamed him than me.
Now was I in my Kingdom having store of company, and my fill of strong
drink, which two things I dearly loved. I applied my self to my calling
very diligently, and soon learned to cry _Anon, anon Sir_, and _By and
by_, with as much alacrity as the best Tapsters Boy in Christendom. My
Master taught me how to nick the Canns, and froth the Jugs, and with the
crotched chalk to score up two flaggons for one, and I quickly found the
way, when Company was drinking to take away flaggons before they were
half empty, and full tobacco-pipes amongst the foul ones. When Company
first came in, I always observ’d to bring them of the best liquor, but
when they were half drunk, then that which run on Tilt, or the drappings
of the tap should serve their turn; if they found fault, I would take it
away to change it, but nevertheless they should be sure to pay for it,
as if they had drunk it.
One thing I observed of my master, that if the Reckoning once came to
above three shillings, he would be sure to bring in six pence or eight
pence more than it was; then when the Company were going away he would
say, _Nay stay, Gentlemen, & take my half dozen Cans before you go_,
which most commonly produced another reckoning, the Gentlemen not
knowing how to retaliate his kindness without doing so, by this means
getting their mony, with thanks to boot. If Gentlemen brought tobacco of
their own, we would say it stunk were it never so good, and feigning a
Cough as if half stifel’d, cry out, _Who is it that takes of this
stinking stuff? this is enough to suffocate the Devil_. Which would make
some Gentlemen to throw away their pipes and say, _Pox on this Grocer he
hath cheated me damnably, come give us three pipes of your tobacco_,
which when they have had they would commend for superexcellent, although
perhaps twelve pence in the pound worse than his own, by which may be
proved that tobacco is nothing else but a meer fancy.
I seeing my master cozen Gentlemen so frequently, thought with my self
that I might cozen them also, or at least-wise cozen my master, who so
often cozened others, being warranted thereto by that of the Poet.
_Cozen the Cozener, commonly they be
Profain, let their own snare their ruine be._
And therefore when he was out of the way, to the reckoning I would add a
groat, six pence, eight pence, or twelve pence, according as it was in
bigness, which yet I would also score up, lest if he came in the way
before it was paid, and should tell the score; I might be mistrusted;
but if I received the mony before he came, then the over-plus went into
my own pocket, which could not be discovered when the chalk was wiped
out.
In Summer, when people drank in Canns, if my Master were in company (as
oft-times he was invited by Guests to drink with them) we had a Can with
a false bottom that held not above a quarter of a pint, which in the
delivery of them I always so ordered as that Can came to his hands,
which he would drink off leisurely, and then turning the bottom upwards,
it past undiscerned, saving thereby much beer in a day, keeping himself
sober to drink in other companies.
In Winter for morning-draughts we furnished our Guests with _Gravesend_
toasts, which is bread toasted over night, our plenty of Guests not
permitting us to do it in the morning; if we put any of them into drink
before our Guests (as sometimes we were forced to do) we would be sure
to warm the beer or ale before-hand, and in putting in the toast cry
siz, although it were as cold as a stone.
But my Master and I were not all the cozeners that belonged to the Inn,
the Hostler claimed as great a share in that mistery as we. His chief
cunning consisted in tallowing Horse-teeth that they should eat no hay;
or when a Gentleman gave his Horse oats, no sooner was his back turn’d,
but he would steal them half away, telling the Gentleman, _his Horse
must needs travel well he was so quick at his meat_. If a Gentleman’s
saddle were any thing torn he would be sure to make it so bad that he
could not ride any further with it without mending, as also to spoyle
the shoes on the Horses feet, that he must be forced to have new ones,
for which he had pensions from the Smith and the Sadler.
Nor must I here forget the Chamberlain, who deserved to be rancked with
the foremost for Roguery; he was a sly thief, and used to cheat Guests
with foul sheets, pretending them to be clean, when as they had been
lain in three or four times; and then a little water strowed on them,
and foulded up and prest, made them seem as if new washt. He was a very
diligent observer of Gentlemens Cloakbags, whether they had good silver
linings in them or no, which if he found to be ponderous, his next care
was to inquire what Country-men they were, which way they travelled, and
the like, which having found, he gave intelligence accordingly to a Gang
of Highway men, with whom he was in continual pay.
These were the Servants that belonged to this Inn, such a parcel of
Canary-birds as well deserved to look through a Hempen Casement at the
three corner’d tenement in the high-way betwixt _London_ and
_Paddington_. Were not those Guests well blest think ye, which hapned in
such a place where none but knaves, thieves, and cheaters were their
attendants? Now you cannot but imagine that the Master of such Servants
was well worthy of his place, I shall therefore only give you a brief
character of the Host himself, and so proceed on in my discourse.
He seemed by his bulk to be of the race of the old Gyants, and though
his belly were not so big as the tun at _Heidleburg_, yet a flaggon of
beer therein seemed no more than a man in _Pauls_. He commanded with as
much imperiousness as if he were the great _Cham_ of _Tartaria_, and had
an excellent faculty to strut along the streets with the top of his
staff bobbing against his lips, he could call the young wenches whores
with a great grace; and when he took tobacco, his mouth vented smoak
like the funnel of a Chimney. He much blamed the English for affecting
to drink wine, preferring beer and ale before all forraign liquors
whatsoever. To show his loving nature he would drink with all companies,
and would toss off a _Cann_ with celerity and dexterity. He would not be
jealous though he saw another man kissing his wife, knowing such her
familiarity to be the greatest Load-stone that attracted Guests to his
house, in summe, his forenoons work was to scoope in beer by the Quart,
and the most part of the afternoon to spend in sleeping.
In this house I wasted away my time nigh three quarters of a year, but
then a sad accident befel my Master, which left me again to shift for my
self; he had belike been dabling in private with _Prudence_, one of the
maids belonging to the house, I know not what the business was, but she
looked so bigly on him that he could not endure her sight, and therefore
to avoid it, he privately put off his Cellar to another, and having
received his money, marched off _incognito_, leaving me to the wide
world; for this new Tapster having a boy of his own, dismissed me to
shift for my self.
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