_His Aunt and the maid joyn together, and by a blinde wager make him to
be laughed and hooted at by the boyes; he is soundly revenged on them
both for the same._
Never was Prentice more subject to a Master then my Aunt was to my
Uncle, after the discovery of her leachery; his desires were commands,
and those commands laws which were by her put in speedy execution, if he
bid her go, she would run; doe that, it was no sooner said then done,
but the greatest miracle of all was, that if she were never so busy in
talking, yet if he said but _peace_, she would suddenly hold her tounge,
which before used to be in perpetual motion, and was as hard to be
stopped as a stream when it hath overflowne its banks, or the sails of a
mill when the wind blows in its greatest violence, so that a serene sky
seemed to have succeeded that storm that all things were pacified, and
that my Uncle had contentedly put his horns in his pocket.
But though she carried fair weather in her countenance, she had storms
of revenge in her heart towards me; for she did more than conjecture
that it was I which had caused her all this mischief; and therefore
since she durst not vend her spleen upon me her self, she used the help
of her Maid, who brought the same to pass after this manner.
One evening (my uncle being abroad) whilest she, the maid and I were
sitting alone by the fire, after some other discourse, the maid profer’d
to lay a wager with me that I could not blindfolded with my tongue lick
forth a six pence from betwixt her breasts, this I thought so easy a
thing to do, that I willingly laid a shilling with her on the same, and
presently accorded for to be blinded: which whilest she was doing, my
Aunt (as it was before agreed) stepped forth of doors, and called in a
Boy who was to act their design, as also some of the neighbours to be
spectators of this my folly. Now in stead of the Maids brest, the Boyes
Hose were put down, and his naked breech exposed to be the object for me
to lick, which I greedily persued: but presently hearing a gigling, and
senting a ranck smell, I soon desisted, as being very apprehensive what
the matter was. But when I was unblinded, and beholding my shame before
my eyes, I hung down my head and look't like a dog that had stole a
pudding, much blaming my credulity, and bitterly cursing the great cause
of that their jollity.
For a long time after I could not walk the streets, I was so laughed and
hooted at by the Boyes, my Aunt and the Maid having spread the same
abroad in every place, flesh and blood could not endure this, to see my
enemies triumph in my shame, so that nothing now ran in my mind but
revenge, the very thought of mischief was more sweet unto me than
Muscadine and Eggs, and soon I thought upon a way for to do it. One of
our neighbours who beared a little love to my Aunt, as she did to me, or
loyalty to my Uncle, having a burning glass, I imparted my project unto
him, who applauding my invention, willingly lent me the same; thus
fitted with an instrument, I soon found out an opportunity to work my
revenge. My Aunt being extreamly proud, used to wear Lawn Ruffs of a
great value. One Sun-shiney day, sitting in the Shop a sowing with her
back towards me, I took the burning-glass, and by attracting the
Sun-beams set her Ruffs on a flame about her neck, which made her to
shreik and bellow most hiddeously; whereupon I started up, and as if
affrighted snatched up a payl of dirty water away from the Maid
wherewith she was washing the Kitchin, and poured the same on my Aunts
head; this though it made her to look like a Bawd that was newly
alighted from the Cart wherein she had ridden for the sin of leachery,
did she take as a great courtesie at my hands, having thereby
extinguisht the fire wherein otherwise she might (she said) have
perisht; not in the least judging it was I that did it, but imputing it
as a just Judgment upon her for her intollerable pride, and vowing
thereafter to be more humble in her carriage, and loving unto me.
Now though I thought I had plenary satisfaction for my abuse, of my
Aunt, yet I resolved that the maid should in no case go scotfree, but
that her disgrace should be equal to mine; Being thus resolved, I
procur’d some Emmets Eggs by the help of a Countryman; the nature of
which are, that being taken, in broth posset, ale, or the like, they
will set the parties on farting, as if they would break their very
twatling strings therewith. The very next day after I had gotten them,
my Uncle had invited some Guests to dinner, wherefore I resolved to put
my resolution in execution then. That morning the maid to strengthen her
the better to go through her work, had provided her self a Caudle, she
being of the same nature that most women are of, to know very well what
is good for themselves, no sooner was her back turned, but I conveyed
the Eggs into the same, which she very freely drank off, but presently
her Belly began to wamble, and her back-side proclaimed aloud that she
was very much troubled with winde; such loud reports she gave, and so
fast they came one after another, that the good wife in the Tale _of the
Fryer and the Boy_, was a meer nothing to her. I could not forbear
laughing if I should have been hang’d to hear how fast she trumpt it
about, which gave her occasion to mistrust that I had done something
unto her; but when she went to rail at me, her tongue could not be heard
for the exceeding noise that she made with her Tail. By this time my
Aunt was come down off her Chamber, but hearing how the Maid talkt to
her at both ends, she could not forbear laughing neither, which vexed
the Maid worse than before. My Uncle hearing the great noise that was
made, came also to see what was the matter, but _Jane_ (for so was the
Maids name) was so ashamed that she could not speak one word for
blushing, only that her Tail proclaimed that she had a very great Civil
War within her belly: poor _Jane_ did all she could to hold it in but it
would not do, but out it flew with such impetuosity, that my uncle could
less forbear then we, but laughed as if he would have split himself.
This treble noise of laughter made _Jane_ to think that we had all
conspired against her, wherefore she got into her Chamber, and
notwithstanding dinner was to dress, yet locking the door, all the
Rhetorick that could be used to her, could not prevail with her to quit
her Chamber all that day.
Next morning (her body being now in a quiet temper) she appeared out of
her den, but who should then have seen her looks might plainly perceive
how anger and shame strove which should have most predominancy in her;
at first her Clack began to go, but my Aunt pacifying her, she fell to
her work as she was accustomed. Now over night I had so devulg’d it
amongst the Boyes, that when that forenoon she was sent to market, she
had not been far out of doors but she had a hundred boyes at her heels,
farting with their mouths, and making such loud hoots and hollows, that
she was forced to return back again, where inclosing her self within her
Chamber till night, she packt up her cloaths and in the dusk of the
Evening departed away, whither I never saw her afterwards.
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