_His robbing of Orchards, how he was cachett by a Night-spell; the
extremity their family was brought unto, and how to relieve it, he
robbed a Grocer._
My mind being thus fully fixt to follow thieving, I began my trade in
robbing of Orchards, returning home with laden thighs, the trophies, and
spoils of Cherry-trees, Pear-trees, and Plum-trees. My mother instead of
correcting me for what I had done, encouraged me to proceed on as I had
begun; for indeed hunger had pinched us sorely ever since my brothers
death, my fathers credit being so eclipsed thereby, that until people
saw he would mend his life, scarce any one would employ him to mend
their shoes. One Orchard I especially haunted it being stor’d with most
gallant fruit, whose very looks me thought did cry, _Come eat me_: but
so often I frequented the same, especially one tree of more choice fruit
than all the rest, that the owner of the Orchard (being a rich miserable
chuff, and one who knew on which side his bread was butter’d) began to
mistrust the same, and therefore that his apples might not depart away
without first taking leave of him, he resolved for the future to prevent
the same, and having some little skill in negromancy, against my next
coming he inchanted his Orchard with a Night-spel.
This he placed at the four corners of his Orchard, in the hour of
_Mars_, and is of such force being rightly applyed, that who ever comes
within the bounds thereof, must be forced to stay there till Sun-rising.
Now I that knew not any thing of what was done, according to my
accustomed course, having the dark night for my coverture, boldly
enter’d the Orchard, with winged haste ascended upon one of the trees,
where having filled a bag with Apples which my mother had furnished me
withal for that purpose, I thought to depart away as formerly I had
done, but the case was quite alter’d from what was before; for I found
my self in such a Labyrinth that the best clue of my invention could not
winde me out; Here did I wander about with my bag on my shoulders
(having not the power in the least to lay it down) till such time as
_Aurora_ begun to usher in the day, when the old chuff enter’d the
Orchard to see what fish his net had caught, resolving with severity to
punish the _Caitifs_ that had stoln away his goods, but in stead of a
Gudgeon finding but a sprat, beholding my Childish years, he could not
imagine me to be the Author of so much wrong as he had received; and
thereupon altering his resolution of breaking arms and leggs as he first
intended, he stepped back to his house & fetched from thence a great
burchin rod, the instrument wherewith he intended to chastise me withal,
with much silence he approached unto me; (for a words speaking would
dissolve the charm) and having with some strugling untrust my Breeches,
laying me over his knee, he began to exercise the office of a Pedagogue
upon me; now I having for some space of time before eaten nothing but
green fruit, had gotten a terrible looseness, which with the fright that
I was in, and the smart that I felt, wrought such effects in my belly,
that opening my posteriors, I discharged a whole volley of excrements in
his face. This action of mine made him at once to shut his eyes, open
his mouth, and unloose his hands, so that the charm being broken, and my
body at liberty, I quickly conveyed my self out of the Orchard, leaving
the old catterpillar in a very stinking condition, not to be remedied
without the benefit of that cleansing element of water.
Warned by this disaster, I was very fearful to enter into any more
Orchards, and indeed had I met no Remora in my proceedings, yet this
trade would soon have failed, for not long after the Apples were all
transplated out of the Orchard into the Cellar, and winter began to
hasten on apace. And now hunger which will not be treated withal without
bread, began to reign Lord and King in our family; the Chandler would
let us have no more cheese for chalk, nor peny loaves for round O’s, we
had made a black poast white already with our score, and his belief
would extend no further to trust us for any more: nay the very
Ale-house-keeper (to whom we were such constant customers) was now grown
such a Nullifidian, that he would not believe us for small-beer,
wherefore we were forced to make a vertue of necessity, and to prevent
starving, our houshold goods marched away one after another; the first
thing that we sold was the Cup-board as the most unnecessary thing in
all the house, having no victuals to put therein; soon after followed
the Table as an appendix to it, for seeing the Table will hold no
victuals thereon for us to eat, we in revenge thereof did eat up the
Table; That (with some joynt-stools belonging to it) being devoured and
gone, our stomacks were so hot that it soon melted away the pewter
dishes; for we considered with our selves that good meat might be eaten
out of wooden platters; then followed the napkins and table-cloaths, for
we were not so much cloyed with fat meat but that a little linnen would
serve to wipe the greace off of our fingers; in fine this pinching
hunger was the _Habeas corpus_ that removed all our goods out of the
House unto the Brokers, and now our dwelling place corresponded with our
bellies, being alike both empty.
In this comfortless condition we remained for the space of three days,
having neither money nor any thing to make money of; being thus sadly
necessitated, my father and I set our witts upon the Tenter-hooks which
way to recruit our decayed estate, many inventions we had for that
purpose, and present necessity urged us to make a speedy use of one of
them, which not long after we brought to pass in this manner.
It being then winter time, the Evenings long and dark, we bought a Link
for three pence, the remainder of our whole estate; with this about ten
of the clock in the night we marched out, resolving to fasten on the
fairest opportunity that should present its self to our sight; many
streets we traversed, but found not any thing that might answer either
our intent or expectation. Coming at last to _Basing-lane_, and casting
our wandring eyes into a Shop, we there espyed a Grocer telling of money
on a Counter, being lighted only by a single candle; this made for our
purpose, whereupon my father planting himself, I boldly entered the
Shop, desiring him to give me leave to light my Link; which being
granted, I with the same soon popt out his Candle, snatching up a
handful of mony, ran out of the doors with the same as fast as I could;
the Grocer hasted after me amain, in the mean time my father stept into
the shop, and took away the remainder of the mony. My nimbleness had
soon out stripped the Grocer, who returned back, and found that the
Devil might dance upon his Counter, for there was never a cross to keep
him from it. About an hour after we met together at home, where having
counted our purchase, we found it amounted to seven pounds eighteen
shillings and six pence. So long as this mony lasted, the pot, the spit,
and pitcher was never idle; but what was thus got over the Devils back
was soon spent under his belly, and in a short time we were reduced to
as great want as we were in before.
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